I conjure Leona, Emily.
Move my feet closer. Closer.
There’s Grandma One, Grandma
Two, and their spouses, waiting
for me. I see Dad. Cara. Mommy.
I screw up my courage, step over.
Tony
Raven Screams
Conner, no! Mary,
holy mother of God.
And then she runs.
Conner? What happened
to Conner? We follow
Raven to the cliffs edge.
One glance over the side
tells a simple story,
one I refuse to believe.
“Quick! Someone belay
me. I’ll go get him. Call
911. Maybe there’s still
time to save him. Will
somebody please help me?
I’ve got to get down to him!”
Raven just stands, two-way
in hand. Sean’s almost
up to him. But no one,
no one could survive
that fall. Within seconds,
her radio spits the expected news.
Guilt balloons inside me,
shoves me to my knees.
“Oh God, no. It’s not true!”
Gentle arms tuck me in.
Stop, Tony. He’s gone.
Vanessa’s tear-dampened
kisses cover my face.
Oh! can’t believe he’d
do such a horrible thing.
“I can. And I could have
prevented it. It’s all my
fault, Vanessa. I knew.”
I push her away, turn
my head to one side.
My vomit tastes like death.
Raven Calls for Rescue
Care Flight isn’t far
away, at least not as
the crow (or ’copter) flies.
But rather than wait,
we opt to climb down.
We have to go past Conner.
Part of me doesn’t want
to look. Most of me has
to. He’s splayed on a big
boulder. His spirit, or
whatever was inside,
is definitely somewhere
else. All that’s left is his
broken shell. His eyes
are open, as if he couldn’t
thing he saw. I wonder
what it was. Heaven?
He’s smiling, and one
hand is extended. Did
someone come for him,
take his hand, and walk him
across that border, into
the ultimate frontier?
Some churches say
suicide denies him
that comfort. But could
a true and loving God
turn His back on such
a tortured soul? Wouldn’t
the Ultimate Tribunal
consider extenuating
circumstances? Will
it consider them for me?
“Please, Father. Please,
Conner. Forgive me.”
The “Rescue”
Isn’t much of a rescue,
of course. They can
take their time, and
they do. We gather
at the base of the hill,
watch the crew’s efforts.
Another time, another
body, it might be
interesting, how they
lower a sled from the top,
gentle the remains into
a polyurethane bag, zip …
But those remains belong
to my friend. I haven’t
had many of those. Now
this one is gone. Forever.
I should cry, want to cry.
All I can do is feel ice cold.
Vanessa and I huddle
together, searching
for comfort in each
other’s touch. “Why
couldn’t he just talk
to me, Vanessa?”
He did talk to you, Tony.
I think you were the only
person he could talk to
at all. In the long run,
maybe that wasn’t enough.
But this wasn’t your fault.
“I knew he’d quit taking
his meds, knew how
depressed he seemed.
I never said a word.
And that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.”
Maybe even longer.
Vanessa
And in its wake, seven
people seem unable to move,
stunned into silent shock.
Finally Sean decides,
Let’s go back to camp.
Aspen Springs will send
transport, but it will take
a while to get here.
We walk slowly, trying
to absorb what has happened.
Everyone deals with the loss
in different, personalized ways.
Sean and Raven discuss
the possible fallout. I knew
he was struggling, Sean
says. But when I talked
to him, he seemed okay.
He said he was just tired.
Did I push him too hard?
Damn, what a waste!
Dahlia tells Lori, who agrees,
That boy was fine.
Justin just prays.
Tony holds on to my hand
like if he let go, I might dash
over a cliff too. I know he needs
me more than ever. The responsibility
is daunting, and I think about
a kiss from my steel lover,
knowing I have to find a way
to leave it far behind me.
Do you think Conner’s parents
know yet? asks Tony.
“I’m sure they must.”
Do you think they care?
The Question
Takes me by surprise.
“Of course they care.”
They have to, don’t they?
“Why would you ask
such a question?”
I was just thinking
about who would care
if I killed myself. I never
thought about anyone else
when I tried before.
Of course, I didn’t really
have anyone to think
about then. Ma was gone,
not that she would have
given a fraction of a damn.
Phillip was gone, and Pa
was just a memory.
He stops walking, pulls
me tight against his chest.
And I didn’t know you.
Would you care, really care?
I reach my arms up around
his neck, pull his face down,
“Yes, Tony. I would really care.
Losing you would kill
a part of me—the part
that has learned what
love really is.”
And what is that?
“You.” This time
when we kiss, I feel
it in the pit of my stomach,
I feel it in my heart.
And I realize love isn’t about sex.
It’s about connection.
Camp Feels Empty
While we wait for transportation
to carry us out of this place,
Tony and I take a walk.
It’s a perfect spring day
on a hill above the Black Rock
Desert. “This was an island
once, you know, when the playa
was underwater. Can you believe
all that desert was once a giant lake?”
Tony stares out at the ocean
of sage and bitterbrush.
It is hard to believe
that something that seems
so permanent was once
so different. Change.
I guess that really is one
thing you can count on….
He is quiet for several
minutes. Finally he says,
I just can’t figure out why.
I mean, I can understand
why someone like me
would think suicide was
the only way out. But
Conner had it all—he
was great looking,
smart, rich. He had
everything to live for.
So, why …
A breeze blows up,
touching my cheek
like a little child’s kiss.
It flutters a piece of paper,
lodged in the sage.
“Trash, out here? Must
belong to one of us.”
We move closer,
and when I reach
for it, I find …
… a perfect paper airplane.