him, you know.
“Yeah, I know. So did I,
once.”
Conner
Feeling Pumped Tonight
All of us are. Conquering
the gorge was exhilarating.
For me, it was necessary.
Proving I could forge across
without flinching means just
about everything at the moment.
Tonight, I really believe
I can make it without meds.
After a delicious meal of pot
roast mush, we break into little
groups. Justin and Sean go off
to talk about life, post-Challenge.
Raven joins Dahlia and Lori’s
conversation about safe sex,
and if there’s any such thing
(other than masturbation).
Interesting, I guess, but not
the right group for me. For
once on this trip, I don’t want
to spend the night sitting alone.
Which leaves Tony and Vanessa.
“Mind if I sit with you two?”
Thought you’d never ask, says Tony.
You’ve been kind of antisocial.
Vanessa chides, Leave him
alone or he’ll go away!
“I guess I have been sulky.
I’m prone to that, you know.”
If we didn’t know it before,
we sure do now. Tony smiles.
Anyway, we were just discussing
your poor cure for acrophobia.
It Takes a Minute
To catch his drift. “Oh, you mean
heaving me over the side?
It was a much better option
than leaving me hanging there.”
Probably right, agrees Tony.
Think how nasty you would have
been by the time we headed
back. Bet you’d really stink.
“In case you haven’t noticed,
I don’t smell very damn good
right now.” The whole truth, and
nothing but. Oh frigging well.
I think y ou smell like roses,
Tony jokes. Decomposing
roses, that is, like a perfumed
bathroom at an old folks’ home.
G-ross! Vanessa wrinkles up
her nose. And anyway, just how
would you know how that smells?
You ever been in one of those?
Not exactly. Tony grows serious.
But I’ve spent time with someone
fading toward death—held his
hand, inhaled the scent of living
flesh as it rots away. An old
folks’ home must smell the same,
and no air freshener could
disguise that odor. It chokes
you, gags you, but you have
to pretend that you’re doing
just fine, not trembling with
fear because the end is close.
You can feel death hovering,
waiting for his very last
breath, his final shudder;
anticipating taking him away.
He’s Talking About Phillip
Vanessa and I remain silent
until Tony stops talking,
quiets completely. A sudden
chill massages my spine. Ghosts?
Ghosts, spirits, or just unfocused
me, suddenly I want to know
more about Phillip—what,
exactly, he meant to Tony.
“I’m sorry you lost Phillip,”
I try. “Tell me more about
him. Were the two of you
in love?” Tony wants to cry.
But he doesn’t. I loved
Phillip, yes, and he loved
me. But we weren’t in love,
not the way you might guess.
We met in the park. He was
out for a walk and I was
panhandling strangers, bumming
change, h oping for a score,
even if that meant offering up
my body. Phillip rescued me,
took me home, took me in, but
never tried to have sex with me.
He treated me like a son—
his own son wouldn’t talk to
his old gay dad—and I let him
be the father I’d never known.
Phillip had AIDS and didn’t want
to die alone. You might think
that’s selfish, but he gave the world
to me and I will always
cherish him.
Tony
No Sex with Phillip
Is that what Conner
about Vanessa? Did she
wonder about that too?
Probably, and I guess
it might have been
a fair assumption,
considering everyone
(except maybe Vanessa)
thinks I’m totally gay.
“So are you surprised that
I didn’t sleep with Phillip?”
Conner is slow to answer,
but Vanessa speaks
right up. Not really.
I guess the thought
might have crossed my
mind, but it didn’t matter.
I admire your friendship
with Phillip. I never had
a friend that I cared so
much about. Not, at least,
until I met you. I wish
I could have met him.
“I wish you could have
too. He would have
loved you, almost as
much as I do.” At this
moment, my love for her
is almost overwhelming.
Finally Conner says,
pointedly, I’m confused.
Are you gay? Bi? In
between? Do you want to
have sex with Vanessa
or just be her friend?
I Have to Admit
I’m pretty confused
myself. I look at
Conner, remember
the attraction I felt
the first time I saw
him. Where did that
come from, if I’m
not gay, or at least
bi? I did ask Dr. Starr
once if molestation
could cause homosexual
feelings later in life.
Some studies suggest
a certain correlation,
she said, but there is no
scientific proof to
support that. Truth is,
we really don’t know
exactly what influences
sexual preference.
Environment? Genetics?
Perhaps a combination
of the two? Does it
really even matter?
Only when you’re as
messed up as me,
I guess. Meanwhile,
both Conner and
Vanessa are staring,
waiting for an answer.
“Do I need a label? I
told you once I’ve
never had the chance
to be with a girl, so
how will I know for sure
until I get that chance?”
I Don’t Know What I Am
But suddenly, certainly,
I want the chance to find
out. And suddenly, certainly,
I need to know, “Do I
need a label, Vanessa?
Is it important to you?”
She moves even closer,
so close, we’re attached.
If it were, would I be
here, next to you? I love
you for the person I’ve
discovered under your skin.
I don’t feel cold anymore.
Not outside, not
inside. That space,
frozen and dead for as
long as I can remember,
has thawed, come alive.
Another part of me comes
alive, and it strikes me
that I might not know
what to do with it, if
Vanessa—or any girl—
offers me the chance.
I’ve never “given,” only
been forced to “take.”
I’ve never had sex,
gift-wrapped with love.
“What’s it like?” I ask.
“Making love to someone?”
Vanessa takes my hand.
I thought I knew, once
or twice before, but now
I see there was no love
at all between us. I won’t
know until I make love
to you.
Did I Just Say That?
With Conner there?
Conner, who not so very
long ago I thought I wanted
to hook up with?
Instead, I find myself
head over heels in love with—
and desperately wanting
to make love to—“no labels” Tony.
My palms break out
in a nervous sweat and I
whisper, “You don’t have
a razor blade on you, do you?”
You don’t mean that,
do you? Tony almost pleads.
Vanessa, you’ve stopped
the cutting, haven’t you?
Please tell me you’ve stopped.
“No worries. I was only
kidding.” But I realize
that isn’t the truth.
For the last three or four
years, I’ve dealt with every
nervous moment in my
life by slipping away to
a quiet place and opening
my skin. It’s been a ritual,
and for some insane reason,
I want to go there now.
Tony seems to intuit
my thoughts. You sure
you were only kidding?
Because if you want
to cut because of me, I’ll
step out of your life so fast!
“If you do that,” I say,
meaning every word to follow,
“I’ll never stop cutting,
lithium or no lithium.
Only love can make me quit.”
Do I Really Mean That?
Only time will tell,
I suppose. Anyway, who
knows what will happen
between Tony and me?
For now, I’ll make myself
satisfied to sit beside him,
believing he really loves me.
I glance over at Conner,
handsome, self-assured
Conner, who tonight looks
like a lost little boy.
“Hey. You okay?”
He smiles a sad, strange
smile. Yeah, I’m fine.
Just thinking about love
and the strange places
you sometimes find it—
or at least think you do.
You mean like with Emily?
Tony asks. Who was she,
anyway? And what happened
between the two of you?
Conner hesitates, then
launches a lurid tale
of loving his English
teacher and the inevitable
consequences of being
in love with an older woman.
What about you and Dr. B?
queries Tony. The two of you
looked pretty tight. Was there
any love there, or just lust?
No love, plenty of lust,
at least as far as I was
concerned. I thought for a while
she might feel the same way.
But nothing sexual happened
between Heather and me.
How Did Tony
Pick up on that? I swear,
I never noticed a thing
between Conner and Dr.
Boston—or should I call
her Heather? Holy moley!
I wonder if Conner’s attraction
to older women is why
he cooled so completely
toward me. Not much
I could do about that.
Anyway, I don’t think
he’s “relationship”
material, and I’m really
not in the market for
another one-sided fling.
Still, I’m curious. “So
have you ever fallen
in love with someone
your own age?”
Conner looks me directly
in the eye. One or two,
he says. But I’m poison.
As the old saying goes,
“sometimes loving someone
means letting them go.”
Bullshit! says Tony.
His grip on my hand
tightens, and I sense
impatience in my ever-
patient best friend,
Love means holding on to
someone just as hard as
you can because if you
don’t, one blink and
they might disappear
forever.
Conner
What Tony Doesn’t Get
Is that love and I are like
water and oil. Put the two
together, blend well, and you
get Quaker State quicksand.
The truth is, I don’t have a real
clue what love is—how to
find it, how to give it. Once
upon a time I thought I knew.
But all I really understood
was sex. Sex and love, I’ve
discovered, are not the same
thing. Life is so complex!
Sex. Love. Athletics. Academics.
My belief in all of those things
is completely shaken. I consider
controlled substance relief,
think better of it. I’m so tired,
I know I’ll sleep tonight, wake
up feeling energized, ready to
go ahead, conquer the Challenge,
get out of this place, move ahead
with some sort of a life. Right?
My head is all jumbled. I feel
spent. Dizzy. Nauseous. Numb.
Hey, Con, says Tony. Do you
feel okay? Your face is white
as milk. His goofy grin does
not conceal his concern.
Which irritates me somehow.
Guess I’ll change the subject.
“So what deep, dark secret did
you not break down and confess?”
Secrets
Yeah, I’ve still got one or two
that none of the good doctors
managed to pry out. “What’s the
worst thing you’ve ever done?”
Vanessa’s eyes glaze, like
she’s slipped into a trance.
She considers something,
shakes her head, tight-lipped.
Finally, she settles on this:
I killed someone. I didn’t know
him, but I loved him. She shivers,
chilled from the inside out.
I don’t understand. “How
can you love someone you
don’t even know?” And please,
please, Vanessa, tell me who.
She thinks a minute, then admits,
I should have known better
than to get pregnant, but I
thought maybe it would bring
the father and me closer. When
I told Trevor, he said to get
an abortion. He wouldn’t help
pay for it, wouldn’t even hold
my hand while I waited
to do
that god-awful thing. I went
alone, except for the baby
inside me. It may sound odd,
but I did love that little blob.
Still, I made it die. And when
I think too hard about it, my
insides hurt. Trying not to cry,
Vanessa trembles, and Tony
wraps her with his arms. Go ahead
and cry, right here. She lets her
face collapse against his chest.
I Never Expected
Such total, painful honesty.
Can I be as forthright? I’ve
never told this story to
anyone, not even Dr. B.
“I killed someone too. She
was our au pair, and her name
was Leona. …” I know I should
stop there, but somehow I can’t.
“I was twelve when she first
came to my bed. She taught me
all I ever needed to know,
fed my hunger for touch,
my need for love. Leona was
my night, my day. I thought
I’d go crazy if she was out
of my sight for more than a few
hours. When I found out she
had another boyfriend—a real,
grown-up boyfriend—I threatened
to tell my mother everything.
Please don’t tell, she begged. I’ll
never find another position.
Like I was going to let her go.
I made up my mind to tell
her boyfriend instead. He caused
an intense scene in our kitchen.
As Leona stormed off, she said,
One day you’ll have the sense
to know what you’ve done. She
sped away, and into a brick wall.