as I could have expected. Bet
the first primitives to develop
language enough to express
their feelings ended up spit-roasted.
Plan B. Caveman up and call, not
text, Hayden. She answers immediately,
as if expecting the communication.
She is. What did you say to my dad?
He told me I have to break up
with you to save my eternal soul.
“Already? It’s only been, like, sixty
seconds since your front door attacked
my face. And mostly what I did was ask
why he doesn’t like me, then I listed
all my best points. Including the fact
I’m not gay, by the way. That really
seemed to impress him.” Too far?
You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t, Matt.
Guess that means too far.
But How Far Is Too Far?
Have I crossed enough lines in the past
twenty-four hours to have thrown away
everything I struggled to build and maintain
with Hayden, despite the odds? “So, does
that mean you’re breaking up with me?”
If she is, I’m certain it has little to do
with any edict from her father. Oh,
Matt, I just don’t know. I still love
you so much, but it seems like you’ve
changed, and it makes me wonder why.
What? “You think I’ve changed? It isn’t
me who’s different, Hayden. It’s . . .” Stop.
Don’t do this now. “Please. Let’s talk face
to face. Where are you? I’ll come get you.”
Please don’t say no. Please don’t say no.
If she does, we’re totally through, and I’m
not ready for that. Apparently, she isn’t,
either. I’m at Joce’s. Give me an hour.
Fifty-Nine Minutes Later
I pull to the curb in front of Jocelyn’s house,
wait the extra sixty seconds so Hayden can’t say
I tried to rush her, then give two beeps. She’s out
the door immediately. She was ready for me, and
the rare winter sun burnishes the crown of her hair,
and I fall in love all over again. I can’t lose her.
I pop out of the cab, haul around to the far side
of the truck, and open the passenger door. The closer
she gets, the more I want to kiss her. But should
I do it here? Now? Will it embarrass her? Should
I wait, or will she freak out if I do? Jesus, when did
we, she and I, become such a complex puzzle?
When she reaches me, I have no clue if I’m
doing the right thing when I hold out my hand,
a simple request that she honors. I pull her
as close as we can get without actually touching,
plunge into the smoke of her eyes. “I love you.
Damn if I can figure out if that’s enough for you,
but it’s the absolute truth. I don’t want to say
too much, or too little. I don’t want you to feel
offended if I ask if I can kiss you, because I’m
not sure what you want anymore, and it’s scaring
the hell out of me, Hayden.” I can’t read a single
signal in the smoke, so I just ask, “Can I kiss you?”
I Hope She Answers
The way I know
she would
have a year ago,
or six months
ago, or even just
a few weeks
ago—with a tender
brush of her lips
against mine,
flint to fire the kiss
that could bring light
to the blackest corner
of the darkest room.
I search her eyes,
wait for that response,
or something close
to it. Instead, she says,
Not here.
I step back, offer to
help her up into the truck,
and as I do, notice
the black leather jacket
on the console between
the passenger seat and the driver’s.
No Way Around
The explanation that must come,
still I hurry to secure both doors,
start the engine, and take off down
the road, so I’ll at least have the chance
to give it. I keep asking what’s wrong
with everyone else, when maybe
the real question is what the hell’s up
with me? Was this some subconcious
stab at confession? Hayden picks up
the jacket, sniffs the signature perfume
permeating the leather. Alexa. Jocelyn
said she saw the two of you together
yesterday. Don’t tell me. You gave her
a ride home, and it got a little hot in here.
I was going to offer the ride home
excuse, minus the rest. But now I’d
better come closer to the truth, minus
any mention of getting hot. “Not exactly.
I’m sorry, but I needed someone to talk
to. About you. We talked about you.
I’m just trying to figure you out, Hayd.”
I Don’t See Hayden’s Temper Often
But it swells to bursting now.
Figure me out? With Alexa?
What does she know about me?
Why didn’t you talk to me instead?
I couldn’t have asked for a better
opening. “I’ve tried to talk to you,
Hayden, begged you to stop closing
yourself off from me. Alexa knows
what it’s like to lose you. I’m doing
everything in my power to make sure
she and I won’t have that in common.”
That quiets her for a second or two.
I keep driving away from town.
Away from her father, her friends,
her minister, out into the countryside.
She watches the landscape shimmer
beyond the window. Finally, a whisper
escapes her mouth. What did she say?
I have to stop and think about it.
Not sure I should bring up the part
about the reason Alexa and Hayden
are no longer friends, and that’s really
about all she said before . . . Better make
up something. “She said you hurt her.”
Hayden Sniffles
Is she crying? Oh man.
Not that. I hate it when she cries,
hate it more when I’m the reason.
I hurt Alexa? What about me?
She quit being my friend because
she was jealous you liked me better.
Slight distortion of the facts
there, girl. Not that I’d say so.
“That’s not exactly how she put it.”
Oh really? she hisses. Tell me
how, exactly, she did put it, then?
I pull off the main road, onto
a gravel logging track, but don’t
dare go far. The woods-shadowed
mud would swallow us whole.
I turn to Hayden, whose entire face
is puffy from tears. “Please don’t cry.”
I reach for her hand, afraid
she won’t give it, but she does,
and I kiss each finger, one by one,
on the very tip. “Alexa doesn’t matter.”
Pretty sure that’s not one hundred
percent true in the larger sense,
but in the context of this conversation,
it’s valid. “Look. Until a few weeks
ago, you and I were solid, or at least
that’s what I believed. Something
has changed, and it isn’t me.” I take
her other hand, kiss those fingers,
too. And it’s only the tiniest interior
voice whispering that I’d never have
to go to such lengths to prove my love
for Alexa. If I did love Alexa, that is.
I guess I have changed, she admits,
but not in a bad way. I’m growing
deeper in my relationship with the Lord,
is all. I love you, Matt, I do. But spiritual
love is more important than love born
of the flesh, and that’s what we have.
She’s Trading Me In
For Jesus. Can’t imagine whose
idea that was. “I thought all love
came from God. What happened
to that? Don’t tell me. Judah,
who’s given you a whole new
understanding of the scriptures.”
That’s right. Her eyes fill with
something very much resembling
adoration. But for the Lord, or for
his earthly messenger? Remember
the last argument you and I had,
about why you never tried—
“Of course I remember. To be
clear, however, my only problem
was about your ‘discussing’ my
probable homosexual predisposition
with your friends and pastor.”
I know, Matt. And when I told Judah
what happened he said to put myself
in your shoes, as Jesus would have
us do. And then he laid the blame
totally on me. He said I was at fault
for believing my worth was determined
by the artificial standards of man.
Insane
The man.
The message.
The way she believes every word.
The control that gives him.
But I don’t dare argue.
Mustn’t contradict.
I can’t fight him long distance,
even though I know those
artificial standards
he expects her to eschew
are his own.
He is a two-faced prick,
and the only way to expose
the one he so skillfully hides
is on his home turf.
“You’re not to blame
for anything, Hayden, except
wanting to feel valued. I try very
hard to do that for you, but obviously
sometimes I fail. Still, I’m glad
he’s making you look at things
through a wider lens. In fact, I’m impressed.
Do you have a youth group meeting
on Friday? I’d really like to come.”
Unconvinced
Doesn’t quite cover
her expression. Skeptical
isn’t strong enough, either.
She studies me, as if looking
for my own hidden face,
or the alien crawling beneath
my skin, seeking egress.
Why?
“Why do I want to go? Why not?”
Matt, you’ve never shown one
tiny bit of desire to go to church
with me, let alone youth group.
So, why? What do you want?
“Wow. What a cynic.
Okay, Hayden, I want
to see your Judah
in action; to try and wrap
my brain around the way
you feel about him;
to comprehend the power
of his message. I want
to understand.”
Not Exactly a Lie
Though I hope she misses
the nuanced meaning,
and she seems to.
I’ll ask Judah, okay?
“Okay, but it’s his job
to win me over, right?”
Go ahead, dude. Convert
me and I’ll shave my head
and relocate to Tibet.
Finally, a smile. I guess it is.
“So, we’re okay, then?”
Can’t believe I pulled it off.
“Is it okay for me to kiss you
now?” Please, please, please
don’t say no. “No one will
see but that bear over there.”
She jumps. But there’s no
bear. Matt! That was mean.
“Allow me to make it up to you.”
Unpredictably, she softens, lukewarm,
into my arms. Let the kissing begin.
This Kiss
Is a shallow winter
pool—watery,
much too cool.
It makes me shiver,
and not in a good way.
I try to dive deeper,
find the hot spring
I suspect lies hidden
somewhere
inside this girl I love.
I give it my best shot,
but she keeps reeling
me back
to the surface,
where the scent
of citrus-perfumed
leather
is overwhelming.
Sunday Morning
I wake earlier than usual,
no doubt due to the sunshine
flooding the eastern window.
A second sunny day in a row
demands a celebration. But first,
I text Hayden. DON’T FORGET
TO ASK JUDAH IF I’M WELCOME
ON FRIDAY. I PROMISE TO BE
THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
What I don’t promise is that
I won’t change my mind.
When I open my bedroom door,
breakfast aromas smack me
square in the nose. Mom’s still
the kitchen. Weirdly, he’s wide
awake and smiling around his eggs.
Enjoying the silver morning, too,
I guess, and some strange air
of nostalgia engulfs me. “I’m going
to the range today. Want to come
along?” Holy hell. Did I just invite
my dad to go shooting with me?
Holy Hell
Is what his body language
screams, too. And in the span
of about thirty seconds, his
expression segues from surprise
to pleasure to disappointment.
Seriously, thanks for asking, son.
But I’m afraid I’ve got plans.
The tone of his voice is odd.
Husky. And I understand
immediately that his plans
do not involve his buddies.
He’s doing something with her.
But next time, give me a little
warning. I’ve been meaning to
hang out with Jessie. The two
of us aren’t getting any younger.
And Luke will never grow older.
“So you know, I’d give my left nut
to spend one more day with my brother.
Next time you should come along.”
I Retreat
Before he can respond, exit the house
without turning around. When I start
the truck, I notice the leather jacket
on the backseat. Damn. I forgot to drop
it off. Oh well. Lex’s house is on the way,
so it will be a quick stop. I’m almost there
when I notice the little tremor of nerves.
What does she think of me? What does
she expect of me? And a bigger question—
what do I expect of her now? I glance down
at the speedometer, which holds steady
at thirty-eight in a fifty mph zone.
My subconscious, reminding me I really
don’t want this meeting, hope it won’t turn
into a confrontation, or even worse,
a tear-fest. I hate when women cry.
Only Fitting, Then
That Alexa answers the door,
puffed red eyes feeding the black
streams striping her cheeks.
Déjà vu to the nth degree.
“Uh. Hi? I came to retu—”
She pushes straight past the offered
jacket and rushes out the door,
not much differently than I just did
at my own home a short while ago.
I need to get out of here.
The words are tossed over her shoulder
as she hustles to my truck and jumps
up inside, like I’d invited her to do
exactly that. I can only watch, half
choking on a silent protest.
My head swivels toward a flick
of movement behind the window.
Déjà vu to the nth degree, except
the scowling face belongs to a woman.
She is Alexa, only twice her age.
Okay, What Now?
I retreat toward the truck, backward,
just in case the shrewish woman
decides to come after me. But I reach
my vehicle safely. Alexa stares out
the far window, not acknowledging
my presence. “Hey, lady. What’s up?”
Nothing. She doesn’t turn toward
me. Would you please just take
me somewhere? Anywhere but here.
Would it do any good to say no?
I submit to her request. “Parental
problems?” I steer in the general
direction of town, hoping she has
a destination other than “anywhere”
in mind. “They seem to be in the air.”
Mom found out I didn’t spend
the night with Lainie. Now, she’ll
probably suspect I spent it with you.
I’m over eighteen, and technically
able to sleep with whomever I please.
She hasn’t played Mama in too many
years to think she can step in and
start orchestrating my life now. She
actually believes she can ground me!
“Maybe she’s feeling neglectful.
Anyway, her plan for total Alexa
domination didn’t work out so well.”
She half laughs. As if. The worst
part was the names she called me.
Okay, it was probably the tequila