he fell into a satisfied slumber.
It was all so natural, yet so completely
new, listening to the rhythm of his
breathing beneath my ear.
Only the beginning…
What that might mean was way too
frightening to consider. In my
limited realm of experience,
beginnings led to endings.
I ran my hand lightly over his body,
memorized muscle and bone.
He responded with a sigh.
I breathed him in.
He smelled of apples, horse, and well-earned
sweat, which I somehow found
attractive. He smelled real.
He was real. Wasn’t he?
If I awoke in the morning to find him
gone, would I think it was all a dream?
Or would I more likely believe
it was all a mistake?
I Awoke
To the colorless pall of early morning,
and a hint of dew on my bedroll.
It took a few seconds to realize where
I was and when I did, the night before
absolutely seemed like only a dream.
And yet, there was Ethan, beside me.
He rolled toward me, cracked one eye,
and said, Morning, m’lady. Sleep well?
I smiled. “I’m not exactly sure. Last night
seems a bit hazy.” (Where did I dig up “coy”?)
Ethan pretended hurt. Is that so?
Well, tell me, how much is clear?
“Let me see. I remember sitting by the fire,
ravenously consuming a cold supper…”
Okay, sounds like we were both in
the same general vicinity. What else?
“Something regarding coyotes…
and was there a discussion about God?”
God and extraterrestrial life. A deep
philosophical dialogue. After that?
“Hmm…I’m trying to remember, really
I am. Can you give me a little hint?”
With pleasure. Our second kiss, though shorter,
was every bit as memorable as the first.
Shorter Because Aunt J
Was already up and singing
a Garth Brooks ballad,
accompanied by the paw
of horses, an occasional
moo, and the good-natured
yip-yip of dogs.
She glanced our way, no
shock, no anger, then gave
a wink absent of “I told you so.”
Sorry to say breakfast is more
of dinner, only staler. But I’m
betting you two are hungry.
Hungry, why? Exactly
how much did she know?
Surely she hadn’t witnessed
the vivid scene the night
before! Had she seen us
sleeping head to shoulder?
Ethan excused himself
and wandered over behind
the deadfall. Aunt J took
the opportunity to observe,
Hope you got a little sleep.
It’s a decent ride home.
I scooted out of my
bedroll, drew closer to
the morning campfire. So
much I wanted to say, but
where to start? I settled
for, “Thanks, Aunt J.”
Her eyes, honest,
took hold of my own.
Nothing to thank me
for. Just keep on shining
that light. The rest will
take care of itself.
Without Cattle to Keep Track Of
The ride home
was more
relaxed.
Even Old Poncho
seemed more
at ease,
swaying his head
as he clomped along.
Ethan
kept his black close
by my side,
and I,
for the first time
in my life,
felt
like anything was
possible, everything
right.
For five hours,
in fact, I
felt
so fine I didn’t once
overanalyze the
perfect
emotion, budding
inside. The
one
I’d always feared
most.
Closing In on Home
Aunt J reined in Paprika.
Ethan, Pattyn has never really had a taste
of a good horse underneath her. Put her
on back and give her a dose, would you?
I climbed up behind him,
shaking slightly, both at the idea of what
was to come, and the idea of cinching
my arms tight around him.
The black didn’t much
care for the notion of double, but Ethan
was most definitely in control. The horse
tensed as Ethan said, Fasten your seat belt.
I did as instructed, wrapping myself
around him like duct tape. Aunt J took
charge of Poncho as Ethan urged Diego
forward. Two steps and we hit a dead gallop.
God, what a feeling! Beneath
a layer of denim, the gelding’s muscles
flexed and pulsed as we picked up speed.
I buried my face in Ethan’s shirt, closed my eyes.
I was flying, no less than an eagle.
I was belly to back with the most incredible
man in the world, a man who had kissed me
like I never expected to be kissed. Ever.
I was the luckiest girl in the world.
Deep in my brain, I heard Aunt J’s words.
True love finds you once, if you’re lucky.
Had true love come knocking at my door?
Back at the Ranch
Ethan clearly didn’t want to
leave right away, and Aunt J,
bless her heart, said,
I appreciate your help. Least I can
do is offer you a hot supper.
Shouldn’t take long.
Ethan and I walked the horses,
cooling them down before letting
them eat or drink.
We paced in a large circle,
side by side, letting our bodies
touch, loving the touch.
Ethan was warmth in the cooling
night, a lantern in drawing darkness.
Yet my high began to sink.
The events of the last two days had
left me breathless. I wanted more.
Did I expect too much?
Ethan had something on his mind.
I could almost hear the churn
of words inside his head.
My heart lifted into my throat.
Everything felt so right. Would he
tell me instead it was wrong?
As If Reading My Mind
Ethan stopped, took my hand.
Pattyn, hold on a second.
I’m not really sure what came over me…
No! Please no? Oh God, not
“had to happen sometime.”
My face must have crumbled.
No, no. I’m not saying I made
a mistake. It just happened so fast.
Falling for you, I mean.
Falling? In love? In lust? Where
else could you fall? Without answers,
I didn’t know what to say.
The first time I saw you—at the grocery
store that day—there was something
about you. Something sad, deep down sad…
How could I forget that day?
The day my father abandoned me.
The day I would forever thank him for.
But there was also a touch of
redemption.
I wondered how the two could coexist
in the same soul. I was so sad myself….
How could he have seen all that
in just one passing glance? On that
day I didn’t feel very redeemed.
I wanted to know you. When I saw you
with your Aunt Jeanette, I knew
I’d get my chance.
Ethan pulled me into his arms, kissed
my forehead. I looked up into
his eyes and found my answers.
I just want you to feel the same
way. If you want me to back off,
slow things down, I will.
I shook my head. “Don’t back
off, Ethan.” I reached up, put
my arms around his neck,
and this time I kissed him.
Journal Entry, June 19
I can’t sleep. Maybe I’ll
never sleep again. Does your
brain ever shut down, once
you fall in love?
Am I in love?
It sure feels like love.
Ethan is everything any girl
could ask for. And he promises
he wants me. Why me?
Shut up, Pattyn. Quit asking
that question. Why even
care why he wants you?
Isn’t it enough that he does?
I know guys lie.
Enjoy the game.
But I have to believe
Ethan is different.
Do his eyes lie?
His kisses?
When he kisses me, it’s
like being born again.
Born where love isn’t
just a word, but something
alive, throbbing with life.
That’s how I feel tonight.
Throbbing with life.
Did Mom and Dad ever
feel like this?
For each other?
I want to believe it.
But I can’t.
Ethan Started Stopping By
Every evening on his way home.
June was a hazy blur of days with Aunt J,
mostly spent in nervous anticipation
of evenings with Ethan.
Aunt J never said a disapproving
word, but after a week or so, she
did offer an obligatory warning.
You two seem to be getting
serious. I can’t expect you
to keep saying no. But I hope
you know how to be careful.
Up till then, I hadn’t had to say no.
Ethan treated me with nothing but
respect. But things had definitely heated up.
A time or two, cradled in his lap,
kissing until his desire became
obvious, I had almost wanted to.
But even though most of me
was a new, liberated Pattyn, traces
of the old, conservative Pattyn
lingered, hard to shake off.
The next-to-the-last thing I wanted
was a baby. The very last thing
I wanted was ever having to tell
my dad I was pregnant.
Thursday, June 29
Kicked off the extra-long
Fourth of July weekend.
It also happened to be
my seventeenth birthday.
I truly expected a card
from Mom and Dad.
Never arrived.
Never even got a call.
To be fair, Jackie sent
a card a few days late.
Said girls’ camp was
entertaining, especially
when they tried to freak
everyone out with scary
stories about Satan
dropping in overnight.
She said Mom was about
as big as a dairy cow,
’Lyssa had her first period,
Teddie had her first crush,
Davie got straight A’s,
Roberta lost her two front teeth,
Georgia still sucked her thumb,
and Dad was meaner than ever.
Everything pissed him off.
The window he had to pay
for, the ER bill he had
to pay for, tithing 10 percent
when everything was up
10 percent and he had a new baby
coming. Diapers were up 10 percent.
And Johnnie was up 20 percent.
I wanted to write her back,
tell her none of that mattered,
were people like Aunt J. And
Ethan. I wanted to tell
her everything about him.
But I knew any letter from me
would never get past my dad.
Back to My Birthday
What a celebration Aunt J planned!
We would drive into Cedar City, Utah,
(the nearest “big city”) for a shopping
spree. Later, Ethan would join us
for dinner and a movie. A movie!
Wal-Mart served as Cedar City’s
unofficial “mall.” And that was close
enough for me. Stuff. Tons
and tons of stuff. Just looking at
all that stuff made me kind of delirious.
Sure, I’d been to Wal-Mart before, but
never after weeks of feed stores
and mini-marts. Aunt J planned
on stocking the pantry, and I planned
on having a great time helping her.
We strolled along the clothing aisle,
commenting on summer fashions.
Aunt J insisted I model blouses
and shorts and jeans. Anything I
liked went into the shopping cart.
I couldn’t believe it. Store-bought
clothes were like gold in my house.
Owning Wally’s was as good
as owning Old Navy or even Macy’s.
And, hey, they carried Wranglers.
But there was more. Books. Music—
a small CD player and discs to go
in it. Pricey shampoo and sweet-smelling
lotion. Makeup. I tried
to protest, but Aunt J wouldn’t listen.
It makes me happy to see a smile
on your face. Besides, I’ve got money
growing mold in the bank. Might
as well spend a little before I die.
We Spent More Than a Little
I won’t confess exactly how much,
but I’d never before seen a register
ring up a total like that.
(Not even a week’s worth
shopping trip for a family of nine!)
On the way to dinner, I slithered into
a new pair of jeans—my very first.
Is there anything quite as wonderful
as developing a relationship
with brand-new jeans?
Above them went a crocheted shell,
soft turquoise in color. Even I had to admit
it looked great over the tan of my arms.
(Not to mention muscles, newly
defined by yard work.)
Above that went a light brush of coral blush
(Aunt J said the color went best with my skin tone)
and a stroke or two of soft black mascara.
Somehow I managed it with
only the tiniest smear.
And when I stepped down from the pickup,
I felt a year older. A decade wiser.
Prettier than I’d ever believed I could feel.
That’s how Ethan saw me when
he found us at the restaurant.
They Say the World Sees You
As you see yourself,
and that night I saw myself in a different way.
Pretty. Almost desirable.
Ethan’s eyes told me I was
both. And more.
He kissed me. In front
of the whole restaurant. Happy birthday, Pattyn.
We had so much fun
at dinner—authentic Mexican cuisine, the real deal.
Before that night, Taco Bell
had defined my total experience with Mexican food.
I let Aunt J order for me.
“Anything but tacos, please. I want to try something new.”
Steak fajitas arrived
at the table, sizzling and steaming in a cast-iron skillet.
I polished them off and just
as I finished up, our waitress plopped a sombrero on my head.
Another waitress joined her,
carrying three plates of flan. One had a candle in the middle.
They sang “Feliz Cumpleaños,”
the Mexican equivalent of “Happy Birthday,” and everyone clapped.
And as we left for the movie,
it crossed my mind that I didn’t really need a birthday card from home.
Aunt J Surprised Me Again
You two take in
the movie without
me. I’m tired and
it’s a long drive
home for these
achin’ bones.