But he forced himself to keep going up. He had to, he couldn’t give in, he had to stand up to the pressure. He couldn’t flee, he had to fight. He had to keep on fighting, always. “Alone we are none,” he had written. It was poetry. Life went on. The blood flowing through his veins forced him on, and if he insisted on going higher his legs would not refuse to carry him. So he kept climbing. A little unsteadily at first, but then determinedly, step after step.
Above the last step there was a hatch. He pushed it open and climbed up onto the highest platform. He felt a sense of victory. Victory over death. Now he was standing high above all the trees and houses. He felt like he could smell the spring in the gentle breeze caressing his head.
Not far away was the camp. From here he could see the holes that had been smashed in the white wall. Again he felt like a victor, so high up and looking out over the camp he was never meant to escape.
A little to the left lay Birkenau. It was enormous. Even from up here, where he had the whole world at his feet, where there seemed to be no limit to how far his gaze extended, Birkenau looked big. It had been big. A work of demonic magnitude had been carried out there. In that place more people had been killed than anywhere else in the world. It had been run according to an extermination system of incomparable perfection. But it hadn’t been absolutely perfect. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to stand here; he wouldn’t have been alive. Why was he alive? What gave him the right to live? In what way was he better than all those millions who had died?
Not sharing the fate of all those others felt like an unfathomable evil. But he thought of what the girl in No Pasarán had said: “I have to stay alive to tell all of this, to tell everyone about it, to convince people that it was true…”
His gaze wandered to the south. The still-snowy fields stretched out in the sharp light of early spring. But there in the south the horizon was not an infinity; he couldn’t see an immense distance. In that direction, his gaze came up against a barrier.
To the south his horizon was blocked by the Beskid Mountains and there was that vision again: “Friedel.” He gripped the railing, his fingers trying to dig into the wood, just as she had once gripped the mesh over the windows of Block 10. Then they had looked out over the distant fields together. Now they were separated. He was here and she was there, where the vision drew her, as if the silhouette on the horizon was not the outline of the mountains but the shape of her body.
The whole world was open to him now, but that was somewhere he would never go, somewhere that now was eternally unattainable. Once they had stood alongside each other and the longing in their hearts had carried them away to those mountains. Now she was gone, as out of reach as those faraway mountains had once been.
Now he was alone.
But not entirely. Because he still had her image before him. Inside him this vision would stay alive forever. He would draw strength from it for what had become his task in life. She would exist through him so that her life would not have been in vain, and her soul would live through him, even if her body was resting there in those hazy blue mountains.
Eddy de Wind with his mother, Henriette de Wind-Sanders. Eddy’s father, Louis de Wind, died when he was three years old. Partly because of that, Eddy and his mother developed a deep bond. The top photo was taken in 1916. The bottom photo was taken in 1918.
Eddy enjoyed student life during his studies. He was active on many fronts; he played in a jazz band and often went out in his sailboat. This photo is probably from circa 1939.
Before the war, Eddy used to sail a lot on the lakes and canals around The Hague. Full of melancholy, he writes about it when he is in Auschwitz. He longs for the time he was in his sailboat in the evening and listened to the passing cargo ships.
Eddy de Wind was a talented clarinetist and saxophonist. Before the war, he played in the student jazz band the Rythm Rascals. The band performed regularly.
In 1933, the fifty-year wedding anniversary of Eddy’s paternal grandparents was reason for a party. Eddy had just started studying medicine. It was not common in the family to go to university, and the family admired Eddy. He is in the middle at the back.
In May 1943, Eddy and Friedel got married in Westerbork. There are no family members in this wedding photo, but rather prominent residents, colleagues, and friends from Westerbork.
After the liberation, a mixed group of survivors from all over Europe remained in Auschwitz, with whom Eddy de Wind intensively spent a few months. The women in the photo came from former Yugoslavia. Eddy is in the background. The tension can be read from his face; it is just before he delivers a speech to members of the Red Army.
In the notebook where Eddy wrote his account of his experience in Auschwitz is also the text of a speech in which the Red Army is thanked for the liberation of Auschwitz. Eddy did not write this speech himself, but he can be seen here on February 23, 1945, declaiming it.
Eddy de Wind a year before his death, seated in his practice. (Credit: Jeroen van Amelrooy)
The text in the original notebook, as written by Eddy in Auschwitz, has been used word for word in this edition.
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Glossary
Achtung!: Attention!
Achtung, Lagerarzt!: Attention, the camp doctor!
Alles aufstehen!: Everyone, get up!
Alte Kamp-Insassen: Dutch-German term used at Westerbork for senior inmates
Alter Häftling: Senior prisoner, a prisoner who has been an inmate for a long time
Ältester: Literally, elder. A term used in combination with an area specification to indicate the senior or head prisoner in a camp, block, or room
Ambulanz: Outpatients
Appel vorbei: Roll call over
Arbeit macht frei: Work sets you free
Arbeit macht frei… Krematorium drei!: Work sets you free… Crematorium Three!
Arbeitslager: Labor camp
Arztvormelder, antreten!: Those presenting to the doctor, line up!
Aufgehen!: Broken or corrupted German: March!
Aufnahme: Admissions
Aufseherin: Female overseer
Bademeister: Washroom supervisor
Bauhof: Building yard
Bekleidungskammer: Warehouse for prisoner clothing
Berufsverbrecher: Professional criminal
Bewegung: Movement
Bewegung, Bewegung, los, Eile!: Movement, movement, go, hurry!
Block: Word used for the main buildings housing prisoners at Auschwitz and other German camps
Blockältester: Block senior, a prisoner in charge of a block
Blockführerstube: The guardhouse of the SS block overseer
Blockschonung: Block rest, permission to remain in barracks and rest, granted to those unfit to work but not sick enough for hospital
Blöd: Stupid
Blöde: The stupid ones
Blöde Holländer: Stupid Dutchman
Blöde Sauen: Stupid pigs (literally, sows)
Blödes Schwein: Stupid pig
Bunker: The Auschwitz camp jail in the cellar of Block 11
Canada: Nickname for the section of Auschwitz where the warehouses were located
Dalej!: Polish: Go on!
Davai, bystro!: Russian: Come on, faster!
DAW: Short for Deutsche Ausrüstungswerkstatte, the German Equipping Workshops
Der Zug ist schon da: The train has already come
Die Juden sind unser Unglück: The Jews are our misfortune
Distrikt Krakau: District of Krakow
Du Dreckhund: You filthy dog
Du Drecksau: You filthy pig
Du Idiot: You idiot
Effektenkammer: Warehouse for items taken from prisoners on their arrival
Eile: Hurry
Eintritt verboten: No entry
Ein vog
el: Literally, a bird, but here meaning a peculiarity or strange habit
Es lebe Polen!: Poland forever!
Faulgas: Marsh gas, also name of a Kommando working on a marsh gas plant
FKL: Short for Frauenkonzentrationslager, women’s concentration camp
Flying Column: Dutch: Vliegende Kolonne. In Westerbork a group of prisoners who had to carry out special tasks that needed to be done quickly
Frauenkonzentrationslager: Women’s concentration camp
Frech: Impudent or cheeky
Gespritzt: Injected
Häftling: Prisoner
Häftling 27903 mit 15 Häftlingen zur Strassenbau: Prisoner 27903 with fifteen prisoners for roadworks
Häftlingskrankenbau: Prisoners’ hospital
Häftlingsnummer: Prisoner number
Hals-Nasen-Ohrenarzt: Ear, nose, and throat doctor
Halt: Stop
Halt’s Maul: Shut up
Halte dich sauber: Keep clean
Hau ruck!: Pull!
Heilkräutertee: Herbal tea
Herrgott Sakrament, verflucht noch mal: God almighty, damn it
Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn, Herr Gott Sakrament, du verfluchter Idiot: For God’s sake, Christ Almighty, you cursed idiot
Hitler verrecke!: Death to Hitler!
Hygienisch-bakteriologischen Untersuchungsstelle der Waffen-SS und Polizei Südost: Hygienic-Bacteriological Research Center of the Waffen SS and Police, South East
Interne Abteilung: Internal Department
Judenblut spritzt vom Messer: Jewish blood is dripping from the knives
Kapo: A prisoner who oversaw other prisoners in work details
Kesselkommando: Kettle-carrying detail
Kolkhoz: A collective farm
Kommandantur: Camp commandant’s office
Kommando: A work detail or squad
Kommandoführer: SS overseer of a work detail
Krakauer Zeitung: A Krakow newspaper
Krankenbau: Hospital (in Auschwitz, the Krankenbau was spread out over several blocks)
KZ: Short for Konzentrationslager, concentration camp
Lager: Camp, also used as an administrative unit for subdivisions within a larger camp
Lagerältester: Camp senior, the camp’s head prisoner. As the term Lager—camp—was also used for subdivisions within Auschwitz and Birkenau, there was more than one Lagerältester
Lagerarzt: Camp doctor (an SS medical officer) As the term Lager—camp—was also used for subdivisions within Auschwitz and Birkenau, there was more than one Lagerarzt
Lagerfriseur: Camp barber
Lagerführer: SS officer in charge of the camp
Lagerstrasse: Camp street
Lagersuppe: Camp soup
Le professeur hollandais: French: The Dutch professor
Los!: Go!
Los, Schweinehunde!: German: Move it, you swine! (Literally, pig-dogs)
Mussulman: Muslim, camp slang for a prisoner in an extreme state of physical and mental exhaustion
Nebellager: Short for Nacht und Nebellager, camps where prisoners were held and executed in secret
No Pasarán: Spanish: They shall not pass, Republican rallying cry in the Spanish Civil War
Oberscharführer: SS rank: senior squad leader
Obersturmführer: SS rank: senior assault leader
Operationssaal: Operating theater
Oscha: Short for Oberscharführer, senior squad leader
Pfleger: Nurse, used to designate a general assistant’s job held by prisoners in the camp hospitals. Not all Pfleger had medical qualifications and most of their duties were non-medical
Pflegerstube: Nurses’ room
Prämienschein: Bonus token
Prominent (noun): A privileged prisoner
Rapportführer: SS officer in charge of roll calls
Rassenschande: Racial outrage, a violation of Nazi laws prohibiting sexual contact between “races”
Rein: Clean
Reinlichkeit ist der Weg zur Gesundheit: Cleanliness is the path to health
Reservepfleger: Reserve nurse: a prisoner who has been approved as a Pfleger but is waiting to be appointed to a block
Röntgenraum: X-ray room
Rotspanier: Spanish Reds, term for Germans who fought for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War
Rottenführer: SS rank: section leader
Sanitäter: Orderly
Sanitätslager der Waffen-SS: Waffen SS Medical Supply Center
Sauberkeit ist der halbe Weg zur Gesundheit: Cleanliness is halfway to health
Scharführer: SS rank: squad leader
Scheisse, Arzt: Shit, Doctor
Scheissmeister: Latrine supervisor
Schnell! Los! Tempo!: Quick! Go! Fast!
Schreibstube: Office
Schulungslager: Training camp
Schutzhäftling: Prisoner in protective custody
SDG: Short for Sanitätsdienstgrad, SS medical orderly
Selection: Camp term for the selection of prisoners for extermination
Sonderkommando: Special detail, prisoners who worked in the gas chambers and crematoria
SS-Krankenrevier: SS hospital
SS-Revier: Short for SS-Krankenrevier, SS hospital
SS Sonderdienst: A Nazi paramilitary formation in occupied Poland
SS-Standortverwaltung Süd-Ost: SS Local Administration South East
Standgericht: Military court
Standortarzt: Doctor for the SS garrison
Stehbunker: Standing bunker
Stój: Polish: Stop
Strafkommando: Punishment detail
Stubenältester: A prisoner in charge of a room
Sturmbannführer: SS rank: assault unit leader
Sturmmann: SS rank: storm trooper
Transport: The deportation or movement of a group of Jews or other prisoners
Très charmant: French: very charming
Übermensch: A superman, used here ironically to indicate a Nazi fantasy of the superior Aryan
Überstellung Strafkommando Birkenau: Transfer to the Birkenau punishment detail
Unterscharführer: SS rank: junior squad leader
V = Victoria: V = Victory
Vergesse nicht deine Seife: Don’t forget your soap
WA: Short for Dutch: Weerbaarheidsafdeling, the paramilitary wing of the NSB, the Dutch National Socialist party
Was ist hier los, ihr Dreckhuren!: What’s going on here, you filthy whores!
Wiener Blut: Viennese spirit
Wir fahren gegen Engeland: We are sailing against England
Zigeunerlager: Gypsy camp, part of Birkenau concentration camp
Zivilarbeiter: Civilian worker
Zum Befehl: At your command
Zwischen Nacht und Nebel: Literally, between night and fog
Afterword
by John Boyne, New York Times bestselling author of The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
With each newly published memoir, history book, or novel that details the crimes that took place across Europe during the Holocaust, our understanding of that period increases in direct correlation with our dismay at the brutality of our species. Some of the most important writers of the last seventy-five years have shared their experiences of the camps in print, but, to the best of our knowledge, Eddy de Wind’s Last Stop Auschwitz is the only book written from within a concentration camp itself. Because of this, it offers a unique insight into a tragedy that, more than any other event, defines the twentieth century and drapes it in infamy.
I’ve read many autobiographies centered around life and death within Auschwitz, Dachau, Treblinka, and the dozens of other death camps, and each time I’ve found myself astonished by how deeply the daily events of camp life emblazoned themselves on the minds of the survivors, scorched into their collective memories with as much indiscriminate savagery as the tattoos carved into their arms. From the naive perspective of historical distance, one imagines that those who left the camps with their lives would do all they cou
ld to forget what they had been through—but no, it seems that memory can prove the most unwelcome consequence of trauma and that testimony is its necessary antidote.
Eddy de Wind’s memoir represents a singular addition to the wealth of material that readers, historians, and scholars can access as they try to comprehend the incomprehensible. While images of Jews “standing stark-naked in the burning sun,” as barbers “with their blunt razors… tore out the hair more than shaving it off,” are familiar to students of the subject, there’s something visceral about reading the words from a man who both suffered these indignities and determined to write about them. One wonders how he felt transferring those recollections from mind to page, whether they served to relieve or relive those dark days.
De Wind’s descriptions of the people and experiences that populated Auschwitz—the prisoners, the guards, the fences, the food, the tattoos, the showers, and the slaughter—offer a rich insight into a man who was watchful while being watched and who, perhaps without even intending to, stored his memories away for the moment when the world would defeat the Nazis; their crimes would need to be exposed if they were to be prevented from happening again. The service he and so many other writers of this period have done for us is not quantifiable.
As with all memoirs of life in the camps, one turns the pages with a growing sense of disillusionment in mankind. It’s impossible for the reader not to question what he or she might have done if subjected to such tortures, or, indeed, if asked to take part in them. Descriptions of the corpse carriers jumping out of the way to keep their clothes clean as they threw the bodies of the dead into the back of a truck are among the many subtle and horrific insights that the author draws upon, along with “enormous stacks of tins: the urns of the Poles whose bodies had been burnt there,” and the sound of executions at seven o’clock at night: “First the order to fire, then a volley, then the bodies being dragged away. And it kept on going like that. And then the cries of the victims. A girl begging for mercy because she was still so young and so desperate to live.”