I snap out of my haze when a chair falls over on the stage. I look up and see Lori standing, panic in her eyes.
“Miss, if you leave now you’ll be disqualified,” Shawn Michael says as she hops down from the stage and runs toward the bathrooms.
I stand up and sit back down. I don’t know what to do. “Do you think I should see if she needs anything?” I ask, a slight quiver lacing my words.
“Let’s head over there.” Harrison stands, and begins walking toward the bathrooms. I spring to my feet, closing the distance behind him. “If she doesn’t come out in a few minutes, you should go in and check on her.”
We stand against the cold stone of the bathroom that has immersed us in shadow, and I can feel my teeth beginning to chatter. I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or the fear of the situation. We’ve been waiting an eternity. Or minutes, I’m not sure which. Lori pushes open the door, and I release a pent-up breath, relief flooding me. It’s short lived as her eyes fill with dread again, and she retreats back into the bathroom.
“You go.”
“I’m going,” we say simultaneously.
My hands tremble as I place my palm on the door.
“I’m right out here if you need me,” Harrison encourages.
I give a quick nod and step into the bathroom.
When my eyes adjust to the new light, I see all of the stall doors are open except the one at the very end. Violent retching fills the space, and I step tentatively toward it. “Lori, let me in. I want to try to help.”
“Why are they doing this?” she questions through the door.
It throws me off. I’m not sure how to answer.
“What do you mean?”
“The experiments? Why are they doing this to me?” she cries, her voice full of anguish. “I just want the experiments to stop.” Her hair pools out beneath the door as she lies on the floor.
My heart begins to race. The fear in her words consumes me. I push back through the bathroom door, my eyes connecting with Harrison’s. “She needs help. Have someone call an ambulance.” I don’t wait for a response. Turning, I rush back inside.
I can see her cheek resting on the cool blue tile floor. “Lori,” I whisper, getting down on my knees. If I can’t get her to open the door, I’m going to have to try to squeeze under. “Lori!” I shout. My loud voice pierces the eerie silence, echoing back toward me. Chills erupt across my skin. I hope someone comes quickly. I don’t know how to get a hold of her family.
A long sigh escapes me as she begins to stir on the other side of the door. “Lori, can you hear me?”
“You should go,” she whispers, “before they get you.”
“I-want-to…I do, but…I want to take you with me. I want to stop the experiments. But in order to do that…I need you to open the door.” I hold my breath, eyes squeezed tight, and wish with all of my might for her to open the door.
A scream bubbles out of me when the door bursts open, and I’m suddenly sitting on the floor amongst a crowd of legs and wheels. I scamper to get up, and feel relieved when my eyes lock on Harrison’s. The concern I see there is surely mirrored in my own.
“Come on.” He holds his hand out to me and I grab it like the lifeline it is. “Let’s get out of the way.”
We stand in silence outside the bathroom. My heart’s racing, and I can’t get the shaking to stop. I don’t know what was happening to her. But I know that it was because of diabetes. I don’t even realize I’m crying until I feel a drop land on my hand.
“Hey, shh…” Harrison wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in warmth. “It’s all right, it’s going to be okay,” he whispers, as we watch the stretcher being pushed from the bathroom.
11
Girl Talk
“He told me I was beautiful,” I sigh, eyes closed as Jayden brushes my hair.
“Who?” Her hand pauses mid-stroke.
“Harrison.”
“Harry told you you’re beautiful?” she asks, the note of disbelief making me feel dejected.
I open my eyes and stare at her in the mirror. A million different things travel through her mind as we speak without words. Finally, the silence is broken as she begins to brush again.
“Well, he’s right. You are beautiful—inside and out.”
“He’s going to take me up to the hospital to see Lori. She can finally have visitors.” I change the subject—talking about myself makes me uneasy. It’s been three days since Lori was taken to the hospital. I’m still not sure what happened. Bernard said she’d been in DKA and her kidneys had nearly shut down. Truth is, I don’t really know what any of that means or why it happens.
“That’s why I’m doing your hair.” Jay pauses, taking the small section of hair that she’s pulled together on the side of my head and twisting it tightly. She slides a bobby pin back inside, effectively hiding it in the twist. She quickly does this five more times, making little twist-rolls across the front of my hair. The back is wild, the curls free.
“I wondered. I was wracking my brain trying to remember if you’d ever asked me to do it before. I couldn’t come up with one time when it was your idea—not mine.”
“It’s getting too long in the front.” I wiggle my eyebrows, trying unsuccessfully to loosen my hair. It’s so tight. “You’re my best defense against curl chaos.”
When my hair is down and in its natural state, the curls fall into my face. No matter how many times I brush them to the side or tuck them behind my ear, they spring free and half blind me. The best I can do is a slide barrette on the side, but I feel like it makes me look like a little girl. The last thing I want is Harrison seeing me as a little girl. I put up with the torture for the sake of beauty.
“What time is he coming?” she asks, glancing in the direction of her house. Even though there isn’t a window to look out, I know she’s wondering if there’s anyone home. Her mom’s a drunk and gone more than she’s there. When she does come home, most of the time she’s not alone. I’m not sure what’s worse. We rarely talk about it. Jayden’s funny that way—as sugar sweet as she appears on the outside, you’d never imagine her life is in a constant state of disarray.
“Soon.”
I see the slight slump of her shoulders and scramble to fix it.
“Do you want to come? Harrison said he wasn’t going into Lori’s room with me—something about giving her privacy. I’m sure he’d like the company while he waits.”
Her blue eyes lighten in the mirror as she glances up into it. “Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, I do have a few presents I need to wrap, so I don’t have to come if you’d rather I didn’t,” she says softly, waiting with bated breath.
“Of course, I don’t mind. Just gives me an excuse to sit beside Harrison in his truck.” I giggle, knowing all talk of Harrison secretly drives her crazy. She would never tell me it does, but I’m perceptive—I see it in her body language every time we talk about him. I think she thinks I’m going to end up hurt, no matter what the outcome is, and maybe she’s right, but isn’t that what love is all about?
“Should you check your sugar before we go?”
I let out a long sigh. I have moments when I don’t have to think about diabetes, but they never last long and are grabbed away without warning—all the time.
“Yeah.” I get up from the stool and make my way toward the kitchen, pausing when I hear voices in the living room.
Jayden’s hand rests on my shoulder as she comes up behind me. “What are we doing?” she whispers.
Finger to my lips, I turn so she can see. I want to be able to hear this—the tone in their voices unlike any I’ve ever heard from them before. Something must be wrong.
I creep toward the end of the hall, hoping the shadows are enough to keep me hidden. Jayden’s breath is warm on my cheek as she squishes close to listen.
Harrison’s back is toward us, his body blocking most of Jesse. Jesse’s hands are balled in tight fists at his side, and the part of his face I can see looks
red, angry.
“You can say what you want, Ford, but I can tell you have a thing for my sister.” Jesse steps closer, causing Harrison to take a quick step back. “She’s got enough shit going on right now; she doesn’t need you messing with her.”
Harrison lets out a harsh laugh, and I hold my breath, my heart pounding so loudly in my ears, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hear his response.
“Fuck you.”
I step back further into the hallway, those words the last thing I expected to hear.
“I’ve known her nearly half my life; what I’m doing is being her friend. She needs someone to be here for her. To be strong for her. Seems to me, you and your mom are both hiding from her, taking on extra shifts… She practically lives alone.”
The ringing in my ears doesn’t hide the truth in his words. They’re hiding, avoiding me, all of this. I know they need to work, but they need to be here too. Jayden’s arm comes around my shoulder, and she squeezes me tightly.
“When you’re not at school, you’re with Tori or working. When was the last time you had a conversation with her that lasted more than five minutes?” Harrison’s tone softens, his words imploring. “It doesn’t matter how I feel about her. I know she’s just a kid.”
I stand statue-still, his words so faint I’m not sure I heard them right. When he turns and his eyes lock on mine, heat floods my face. Jayden squeezes my hand, stilling. She had been jumping up and down beside me. My heart’s racing and her jarring stop is suddenly too much—it’s all too much.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
“I need to check my sugar,” I say, averting my eyes from everyone, everything, as I rush through the living room into the kitchen.
I pull the drawer open, quickly, my hands shaking. I snap open the case on the monitor, the movements starting to feel second nature after the last month. I’m sure in another few, I’ll be able to do it with my eyes closed. I push the button, turning it on, pop open the strips, and pull one out, waiting for the little arrow to tell me to insert the strip. The tremor in my hands is so intense, I can’t get the strip into the little slot at the bottom of the machine. I laugh at the irony of this happening seconds after my previous thought. Jayden grabs the strip from my hand, putting it in for me.
“Just breathe for a minute. I’ve got this for you,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows as she grabs the poker. Pulling back the end to cock the needle, she holds out her hand for mine. “I’ve been watching.” She beckons for my hand as I hold back. “Come on.”
I reluctantly give it to her. I would have rather done it myself. She pushes the end of the poker up against my finger, pressing the button on its side to release the needle. I flinch as it pierces my skin, never sure if it’s the pain that causes me to jump, or the sound.
I pull my hand from hers and place a drop of blood onto the tiny dot at the center of the strip. The boys come into the room behind me. The tension they bring with them makes the air feel heavy and dark.
The screen flashes, 45.
“Whoa, that’s low,” Jayden says. “Go, sit, I’ll get you something.”
The concern I see in her eyes is too much for me. A wall of emotion bubbles up from inside, and I’m helpless to stop it as the tears spill over. I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts. I know we were going somewhere, but I can’t remember where.
“We’re going to be late,” I say, my eyes connecting with Harrison’s as he crouches in front of me. He’s not scared. He’s always so calm.
“There’s plenty of time. First, we need to take care of you.” He rubs his thumb across my cheek, wiping away a tear. He takes the glass of orange juice Jayden is holding and hands it to me. I put it to my lips and take big gulps, finishing the glass quickly. I imagine the orange juice rushing in to save the day, and I let out a laugh. Harrison doesn’t ask why, just smiles, squeezing the top of my arm before he stands back up.
“Where were we going? I can’t remember.” My cheeks flush.
Jayden sets a plate of crackers with peanut butter smeared on top beside me. She has the biggest fake grin, her bright blue eyes brimming with tears. “We’re going up to the hospital to see your friend, but not until you have a snack.” Her voice shakes.
Jesse steps from his spot beside the wall. “Maybe you should just stay home.”
The idea makes me angry. I won’t change my plans because of this, even if I couldn’t remember what they were moments before. “Why? Why should I just stay home? Because this just happened? News flash, Jesse, this has been happening every single day for the past few weeks.” I pull a deep breath, trying to reign in my anger. It’s not his fault. “I’m not going to stop living my life because diabetes is happening to me. I won’t. I’ll feel fine as soon as I finish my snack,” I finish, picking up a cracker. That last part’s a lie. I won’t feel fine—I’ll feel worn out, tired—but I’ll push on anyway. I won’t stop living my life. I refuse to.
“What do you mean it’s been happening every day for weeks? Jesus, Brice, did you tell Mom?” Jesse says.
The anger in his voice surprises me, makes me drop my cracker. It lands peanut butter side down on my pants. Of course.
“Lay off, Jesse,” Harrison growls, the cuffs of his flannel not quite hiding his clenched fists.
“Fuck you, Ford. I don’t know why you think my little sister’s life is any of your business, but you’re wrong,” Jesse answers, his tone colder than I’ve ever heard before. It’s hard to believe he’s talking to his best friend. I hate this more than anything. I don’t want them fighting, especially over me.
“Relax, Jess, of course I told Mom. I have an appointment next week. It’s the soonest they could get me in because of Christmas. Which is in two days if you’ve forgotten, so I suggest you two kiss and make up.” I giggle, trying to make light of the situation. He meets my gaze, shaking his head.
I finish my crackers in silence. The room is still, devoid of sound except the crackers crunching as I place them, one by one, into my mouth. By the time I finish the plate, my thoughts are clearing, thank goodness. I don’t like losing control of my mind. That’s the scariest thing of all.
“I’m sorry, Little Bit.” He lets out a sigh, anxiously popping his knuckles. “I’m just worried about you—constantly. It’s driving me crazy, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.” Jesse pulls me up from my chair, hugging me tightly.
I want to accept his apology, but not without a reminder first. “Don’t you think you’re apologizing to the wrong person?” I pull back so I can gauge his response. “Don’t get me wrong, you were an ass to me, too, but Harrison is the one you should be apologizing to.”
He takes my face in his hands, looking at me for a long moment. “I love you, sis.” He leans down, placing a kiss on my forehead. Then he turns, leaving the room without another word.
DKA Madness
Part of me wants to fill the silence, but mostly I’m glad no one’s speaking. Enough has been said today already. Maybe what we need is total silence for the rest of the day. I don’t know how to do that, though. My thoughts could never be quiet. Sometimes they’re so loud, I forget I’m the only one who can hear them. I’m the worst at giving half-sentences and expecting the person I’m speaking with to know the other half of the conversation.
As we pull into the hospital parking lot, a sigh escapes me. That was the longest ten minutes ever.
“Are you all right?”
I jump, his voice shattering my thoughts. He drops his hand from the steering wheel and gives my knee a little squeeze.
“Don’t worry about Jesse. He’ll get over it.”
“I hope so.”
“Me, too,” Jayden says, her voice sounding far away.
I’m sure she’s been swimming in thoughts of her own during the drive. I know without a doubt I’m going to hear all about it as soon as we’re alone.
“Do you know what room she’s in?” Harrison puts the truck in park, pulling the key fro
m the ignition.
I’m not sure about this. What if she doesn’t want company?
“316. Bernard said they moved her from the critical care unit this morning.”
I wish Bernard had come with us. Going into her room by myself is scary. I’m hardly more than a stranger to her. I’m not sure why it felt like such a good idea before, but now I want nothing more than to turn around and run back to the truck. I find the beads on my wrist. Spinning them, I take a deep breath. Calm down.
“That’s good. She must be doing better.” Jayden smiles. Looping her arm through mine, we head toward the entrance. I’m glad she’s here, propelling me forward.
“Same floor you were on,” Harrison remarks as he steps inside. “That’s good. There was a nice waiting area up there.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come in with me?” I ask, my fingers crossed inside my coat sleeve.
“She probably doesn’t even remember me, Rice. I’m not going in there.”
Relax, I tell myself, stepping onto the elevator. It’s weird being back at the hospital again. I hadn’t been here in years, and now I’ve been twice in just as many months. I hope this isn’t a trend. Hospitals make me itch—there’s too much feeling floating in the air. I watch Harrison as the elevator begins to ascend. His hair could use a cut, the dark locks curling at the edges. His eyes meet mine. I smile, but it feels like plastic on my face—fake.
“Lori,” I say, awkwardly, my face to the crack in the door. I’m not sure if I should go in or not. Maybe she’s not even in there; maybe they’ve sent her home.
“Yes?”
“It’s Brice. I wanted to come see how you’re doing.” I look at the floor, holding my breath. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
“Come in.”
That was easy. I push open the door and see Lori lying in the bed closest to it. The second bed is unoccupied. She looks so much younger than when I first met her—the dark circles are gone. She looks refreshed. “Wow, you look great.”
She laughs. “I guess almost dying will do that for you.” Her tone is laced with irony.