me with his elbow and
knocked me overboard as i
fell i screamed loudly poet overboard
but either the voice of one small
cockroach was not heard in the
december breeze or else
everybody was glad of it for all
i heard was a burst of
mocking laughter from the deck down down
down i went underneath the ship
itself i clung desperately for a few
minutes to the rapidly revolving screw
but was forced to let loose as it
did not seem to be intending to
come up for air when i was finally cast to
the surface and i admit i
was feeling sad i looked at
the sun and rapidly computed my
latitude and longitude but
there did not seem to be enough of
either to float on indefinitely
pretty soon i said with a sigh i shall be
wet through clean down to
the freckles on my soul and
then i shall sink a sodden albeit a
somewhat small mass and the vast and
charnel sea i said for i
was determined to be
literary to the last will
smack its briny lips above my
corse4 but just as all hope seemed
gone and i was about to open
my lips5 for the last drink i came
into contact with something round and
hard
floating on the waters immediately
before i had felt as lonely as the
first chapter of genesis now i
was cheered looking at the thing
on which i was floating i discovered it
to be
a new kind of mine with a gun cotton
fuse which can be lighted even under
water and at that moment
a sword fish swam up
and began to clash his beak
against the iron
container of the high explosive
until he struck a spark of fire
which fell upon the fuse which began to
burn slowly but steadily i
realized at once what the
plan was for at that instant i
saw the ship with the president6 aboard
rise over the horizon and
bear directly down upon me it was
a trained swordfish educated by
some treacherous and
unreconstructed german for this
very act all the ordinary
mines had been swept out of the
path of the ship by the
official mine sweepers7 but with
hellish ingenuity this new sort of
mine had been placed in the path of the
george washington and ignited by the
trained swordfish i
at once attacked the
burning fuse with my teeth but
eat as fast as i could i am after
all only one small cockroach and
in my excitement i was swallowing
all i ate i was soon
full of gun cotton and the fuse
had not been eaten half in two i
gave myself and the president and
mr creel up for
lost the fate of the world hung upon
one little insect and he was overloaded
already but i think quickly in
emergencies it suddenly
occurred to me that after all i
need not swallow all i bit off and
this brilliant idea saved the president the
world and democracy i attacked the
fuse again but this time i spit out
what i bit off and just as the
george washington struck the mine the
fuse which was still burning
and about to explode
fell into the water i
swarmed aboard the george washington
crawled into the wireless
man’s cabin and wrote what i
had done on his typewriter mr
creel was there this
story must not go out he said or
if it is sent back to
america dr grayson8 must have the
credit for the
action no said dr grayson i
will take no credit for any deed i
have not performed the credit is
nothing to me mr creel i wrote
on the typewriter all i
care for is the fact that i have
saved democracy mr creel was still
debating the matter but when the
wireless man went to dinner his
assistant began sending this despatch for
says he there is
DECEMBER 10
Freedom of the Seas
u s s george washington
december tenth passing the
azores there was a
conference on board the
ship yesterday about the
freedom of the seas1 but
i cant say that
i think very much was
accomplished at
least no one took
me into his confidence
later the subject
was taken up in
an informal way down
in the stoke hold bill
says one coal passer
to another whats all
this about the
freedom of the seas aint
the seas free
they are and then
again they aint says
bill explain yourself says
his friend when are
they and when not
now yous asking something
says bill
man and boy says his
friend i have followed
the sea for
15 years and never yet
seen any signs
they wasnt free except
where the germans done it
have you ever saw
any such signs yourself
bill well says
bill i have and then
again i havent
i dont get you says his
friend well says bill
some do and some
dont
DECEMBER 11
Two Old Men
Archy gets around a good deal, in one way or another. Just before he left for France he gave us a poem, and he claims that he actually was in the wine vault and heard and saw the things narrated therein. We publish the poem—one of Archy’s rare attempts at rhyme—without, however, guaranteeing its authenticity:
down in a wine vault underneath the city
two old men were sitting they were drinking booze
torn were their garments hair and beards were gritty
one had an overcoat but hardly any shoes
overhead the street cars through the streets were running
filled with happy people going home to christmas
in the adirondacks the hunters all were gunning
big ships were sailing down by the isthmus
in came a little tot for to kiss her granny
such a little totty she could scarcely tottle
saying kiss me grandpa kiss your little nanny
but the old man beaned her with a whiskey bottle
outside the snowflakes began for to flutter
far at sea the ships were sailing with the seamen
not another word did angel nanny utter
her grandsire chuckled and pledged the whiskey demon
up spake the second man he was worn and weary
tears washed his face which otherwise was pasty
she loved her parents who commuted on the erie
brother im afraid you struck a trifle hasty
she came to see you all her pretty duds on
bringing christmas posies from her mother’s garden
riding in the tunnel underneath the hudson
brother was it rum caused your heart to harden
up spake the first man here i sits a thinking
how the countrys drifting to a sad condition
here i sits a dreaming here i sits a drinking
here i sits a dreading dreading prohibition
when in comes nanny my little daughters daughter
me she has been begging ever since october
for to sign the pledge its ended now in slaughter
i never had the courage when she caught me sober
all around the world little tots are begging
grandpas and daddies for to quit their drinking
reformers eggs em on i am tired of egging
tired of being cowed cowering and slinking
i struck for freedom im a man of mettle
though i never would a done it had i not been drinking
from athabasca south to popocatapetl
we must strike for freedom quit our shrinking
said the second old man i beg your pardon
brother please forgive me my words were hasty
i get your viewpoint our hearts must harden
try this ale it is bitter brown and tasty
said the first old man hear me sobbing
poor little nanny shes gone to himmel
principle must conquer though hearts be throbbing
just curl your lip around this kimmel
down in a wine vault underneath the city
they sat drinking while the snow was falling
wicked old men with scarcely any pity
the moral of my tale is quite appalling
DECEMBER 13
Passing the Bock
brest france dec 131
by soulless telegraph to
the sun dial well
boss i just arrived and
i have a grand idea instead
of sticking to
hermione and fothy and the
peace conference i am
off for holland i am going
to interview
wilhelm hohenzollern i
shall also interview gott2
if wilhelm took
gott with him to the
am i wrong in castle3 where
he is stopping
they may be there together
quarrelling about who
started it passing the
bock4 used to be the
favorite german indoor
sport but passing the
buck has superseded it
DECEMBER 14
The Former Kaiser
am i wrong in castle
holland december fourteenth
well i arrived here
by aeroplane after a bad
night and have just seen the
former kaiser i
got into the castle this
morning with the blutwurst1
for the kaisers breakfast
well bill i said
what i want to know is
this did you start the war
or did you not and if
so why would you do it
over again and are
you sorry for it
what war are you
talking about says bill
has there been a war
do not try to stall me
says i try some of this
most excellent blutwurst says
bill so you say
there has been a
war do you
i deny it i deny
everything
there is a movement on
foot i understand
to make me responsible
for some alleged trouble or
other that is
supposed to have occurred
somewhere but i do not
intend to allow myself to
be trapped i know i have
enemies but the truth will
triumph helped by
our good german gott and my
shining sword i deny
everything i repeat
i looked at the man boss
and i said to
myself he is a dangerous
character still he is playing a
deep deep game i was
prepared to hear him deny the
responsibility for starting the
war but it is a deeper game than
that he is playing he is
trying to get it
across that from first to
last the war was kept a
secret from him come and see
me again soon he said as i
took my leave and let us talk some
more about this
strange notion of yours that
there has been a
war you interest me
deeply i have another
appointment with him
for tomorrow
DECEMBER 16
Abdication Underneath the Bough
am i wrong in castle
holland december the sixteenth
yesterday was sunday and
i did not see the
former kaiser but i
wrote out some verses for
him which go
this way
an abdication underneath the bough1
a lake of beer an apple cake and thou
beside me singing lieber augustine2
and exile bill were happiness enow
the erstwhile kaiser wrote and having writ
he went and tore up every word of it
hes trying now to pick up paper scraps
and eat them every little inky bit
i sent my soul through the invisible
some secret of the entente plans to spell
anon my soul returned to me and said
where do you go from here question mark
you go to hell full stop
DECEMBER 19
Who Pays for All This
am i wrong in castle
holland december nineteenth
the erswhile kaiser has a
typewriting machine that
speaks english and
crawling into the presence this
morning i clicked off this
question bill when are you
going to leave holland
bill seized the machine and wrote
i am not going to leave holland
i wrote bill you
said you were not going to
leave your throne either
bill wrote i did not leave my
throne it was taken away
during my absence
i wrote holland may be pulled
out from under you in the same way
bill wrote it is a
long time until lunch it seems to
me what are those cooks doing i
have had scarcely anything
to eat since breakfast
i wrote bill are you the
star boarder here or who pays for
all this bill wrote
such things are beneath my
consideration but i understand that the cheque will
be put into one bundle and
they will shake dice to see who
pays them at the peace
conference i wrote bill you
are hitting the pipe these days or
some thing bill wrote the interview is
closed i must get to work
on my autobiography the second
chapter will deal with a
secret invasion of germany by
belgium which i
forgave and hushed up simply because
i did not wish to go to war and
the third chapter tells again
how much i always loved
america and everything
american why archy i even eat
with american made teeth and last
christmas i used those
teeth on american food that
found its way to me somehow through
your wonderful
organization for feeding american
prisoners
DECEMBER 23
The Former Czar
by wireless to the
sun dial on the
road to paris well
boss i have left the
former kaiser flat he is
a dull sort of person who
thinks only of his food and
more than that i have made an
important discovery i am
on the way to paris in
the company of a
russian who conceals a
mild face beneath an
angry beard and who is no less
a person than stop a
moment now and get a long
breath for i do not
want to shock you
have you set yourself so that
you can bear the impact of my
news very well then i
will continue no
less a person than
nicholas romanoff the
former czar nicholas second of
russia1 i am
travelling incognito in
one of his pockets and he
is on the way to
paris to represent his
former empire at
the peace conference he
also is travelling incognito but
that is not his fault he
tells every one he sees that
he is czar nicholas and that
he is not dead
look at me he says
are there any bullet
holes in me
there are not the
story of my death at the
hands of the boksheviki is merely
a press agent yarn
but said an
english soldier whom
we met in the
outskirts of belgium
yesterday the fact that there
are no bullet holes in
you proves nothing
there are plenty of other
people with no bullet
holes in them
not russians said the czar
that shows how little you
know of the russian situation
we stopped today for
lunch at an american y m c a hut
and the czar was