Feel slut-shamed by those magazines
and old ladies. Fix hair.
[Meet cute]
Hot neighbour knocks on the door, asks to be let in
while I try to force a hookup to leave.
If she just embraced her sluttiness
there’d be a threesome during the end credits.
Vodka pours into the morning and droops
shame as low as his balls.
[Dialogue]
“If you ever want to hook up you can call me.”
“No one likes doggy style.”
[Character development]
I was growing out my bangs.
I’m always growing out my bangs.
Bangs are a lesson in patience,
an important personal test.
[Dialogue]
“Now, thanks to that finger-smelling fuck,
I’m at 20.”
If a magazine tells you that having sex
with 20 men makes you a monster, burn that magazine.
[Character development]
20 guys is theoretically too many
to have fucked to be marriage material.
If this was a film about gay men
20 would be the virgin’s number.
I used to feel hot when I met people I used to date.
Now I just hide behind a cake.
[Musical montage]
“Animal”
by Neon Trees.
Fact: Neon Trees headlined
the NYLON and Starbucks Frappuccino Music Tour.
Drinking wine and researching ex-boyfriends online
while listening to the kind of music sold at Starbucks is actually advisable.
[Dialogue]
“Do you know how exhausting it was to breathe fresh air?”
“The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?”
[Costume]
Why would you wear a pantsuit?
That’s the beauty of a pantsuit.
That pantsuit was sexy because it was hard
to tell what was going on underneath the pantsuit.
[Dance interlude]
A bad cover
of “Three Times a Lady.”
[Character development]
Just the tip still counts.
Just the tip doesn’t count.
No one likes doggy style.
[Big dramatic fight]
Listen, shrivelled vagina, your days are over.
Your little art project can wait, my penis comes first.
Leave in the middle of your sister’s wedding
because you have terrible priorities.
[Final speech to proclaim love]
Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, asshole.
[End credits]
“Neon Lights” by Natasha Bedingfield.
Ana Faris and Ari Graynor
deserved a better movie.
She’s All That
1
You were a nerd with glasses,
but no one noticed you,
nor bet they could turn you
into the most popular person in school.
You just went on
wearing your glasses,
reading books,
eating tuna sandwiches.
2
The truth is,
if any of this shit happened to you
in real life,
you’d call the cops.
50 First Dates
You sang me a song
but I forgot.
You took me to the aquarium.
I forgot.
Took me on a boat.
Forgot.
I keep watching The Sixth Sense,
over and over again, waiting for the twist.
Every morning I wake up on a boat
next to a man
who tells me I love him
on a VHS
but I can’t remember.
Now the ocean surrounds me
and I never trusted
the open water.
Line, Please
This is possibly the most adorable creature I’ve ever been in contact with, and if she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox … I would be crazy enough to turn my life upside down and marry her.
I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
If you find somebody you can love, you can’t let that get away.
You said you couldn’t be with someone who didn’t believe in you. Well I believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me. I love you &helip; always.
To some people, love doesn’t exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.
After all &helip; I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.
Shut up, just shut up.
You had me at “hello.”
Unrequited Love
a found Wikipedia poem
Classical times – early eighteenth century: General disease caused by unrequited love.
Early eighteenth – beginning nineteenth century: Practice of excess physical love (akin to nymphomania or satyriasis).
6 References
Condition can be found in the work of Hippocrates, Erasistratus, Plutarch, and Galen[citation needed]. In the psychiatric literature it has been variously called erotic paranoia and erotic self-referent delusions until the common usage of the terms “erotomania” and “de Clérambault’s syndrome.”
The term “erotomania” is often confused with “obsessive love,” obsession with unrequited love, or hypersexuality.
3 History[edit]
The core symptom of the disorder is that the sufferer holds an unshakable belief that another person is secretly in love with him or her. In some cases, the sufferer may believe several people at once are “secret admirers.” The sufferer may also experience other types of delusions concurrently with erotomania, such as delusions of reference, wherein the perceived admirer secretly communicates his or her love by subtle methods such as body posture, arrangement of household objects, and other seemingly innocuous acts (or, if the person is a public figure, through clues in the media).
Early nineteenth century – beginning twentieth century: Unrequited love as a form of mental disease.
Erotomania is especially in patients with schizophrenia, delusional disorder, or bipolar mania.[1] Any denial of affection by the object of this delusional love is dismissed
by the patient as a ploy to conceal the forbidden love from
the rest of the world.[2]
The assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan by John
Hinckley Jr. was reported to have been driven by an
erotomanic fixation on Jodie Foster.[3]
Late night TV entertainer David Letterman and former
astronaut Story Musgrave were both stalked by Margaret
Mary Ray.[4][5]
In one case, erotomania was reported in a patient who
had undergone surgery for a ruptured cerebral aneurysm.[2]
History [hide]
Delusional belief of “being loved by someone else.”
Unrequited Love 2
Even More Unrequited
a found Wikipedia poem erasure
Classical times – love
Early eighteenth – physical love
(nymphomania or satyriasis)
6 References
d’amour
erotic/a
Prominent examples
love
love
hypersexuality
love
3 History
core unshakable belief
love
secret admirers
love
body posture, arrangement of household objects, and other seemingly innocuous acts
(or, if the person is a public figure, through clues in the media)
Early nineteenth century – love
love
admirer
aff
ection
special glances, signals, telepathy, or messages through the media
letters, phone calls, gifts, and visits
affection
love is a ploy to conceal the forbidden love from the rest of the world.[2]
5 Notes
fixation.[3]
cerebral aneurysm.[2]
4 See also
Early twentieth century – present: being loved by someone
[hide]
Morning Wood
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Your morning wood wakes up before you do,
tells you to start the day, pisses all
over the bathroom linoleum floor.
Your morning wood cooks
breakfast for one, then rides his bike
to work, checks in, checks out.
Your morning wood mutters when
women ask you questions about
television sets, mumbles answers.
Your morning wood surrounds itself
with plastic men, whose strengths
are mystical, but clear cells contain them.
Your morning wood reminds you
that shame is hermetically
sealed in a box overlooking your bed.
Your friends take vigil around your
morning wood, every night. Pour
drinks down throats as an amen.
Some Like It Hot
But some are very wary of heat, fear
feeling confused by some woman like her,
some blonde, some singer, someone with really
great comedic timing. Some like it flat.
Some men are way too concerned with being
mistaken for a woman, even if
it’s on purpose. Some like it insulting.
Some savour the way a saxophone tastes,
compare playing an instrument to
licking pussy. Some men don’t use euphemisms.
Some man dressed in demure women’s clothing
sails away with a man, wig in hand. Some
woman ends up with the “fuzzy end of
the lollipop.” Some sigh. Nobody’s perfect.
Romantic Opposites-Attract Comedies
Your preferences created this row.
for Netflix
He’s a carnivore and she’s a vegetarian: Meat Cute?
He’s a vampire and you’re a young girl: Sometimes Love Bites.
She’s an executive and he’s a plumber: Plumb Love II.
They met online, but he doesn’t even own a computer: will their binary codes match up? XOX010
He’s an ex-dinosaur and she’s a figment of his imagination: T. R-ex.
He’s Jennifer Aniston and she’s Brad Pitt: The Love Pitt.
They met on a cruise and he didn’t tell her he was just a crew member: Lietanic.
He’s a Republican known for his huge penis and she’s a Democrat who runs a farm: Donkey Lover.
He’s a DJ and she’s deaf: I Only Hear You.
He’s a baseball player and she’s a reporter: What Is Glove?
They meet at the ocean’s edge: There’s No Place Like Foam.
Screwball Mix ’N’ Match
BEGINNING
An upper-crust private eye
A dotty spinster
A hapless scientist
An unstoppable heiress
A runaway socialite
A brash sportswriter
A headstrong political columnist
A love-struck teenager
A crooked foursome
MIDDLE
is invited to spend the weekend at the estate of a munitions mogul
helps lonely old gents by poisoning and then burying them in the cellar
whose dog steals his prize dinosaur bone, and her pet leopard is mistaken for a zoo escapee
is about to get hitched to a dull insurance agent – that’s if her ex-husband, a ruthless newspaper publisher, doesn’t succeed in winning her back
in a string of zany misadventures that lead them to realize they’re madly if reluctantly in love
prepares to marry, but her ex and a tabloid reporter have other ideas as they converge on her home for a fateful visit
accidentally witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, then get out of town the only way they know how: dressed as women
trade barbs in print, then meet, fall in love, and walk down the aisle together
sneaks into the apartment of playboy artist
commits the heist of the century
END
But things heat up on the road when they meet a curvy blonde who plays the ukulele then balancing work and marriage turns out to be a problem and he agrees to date her until her infatuation subsides and soon he’s spouting teen slang and she is affecting an air of sophistication and is about to get away with it all until the London Police arrest one of them, but can the three on the lam persuade their comrade’s lawyer to reveal the stolen loot’s location?
Sex Scene
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
An hour or so after MAN and WOMAN have consumed watery-looking wine.
Dark. So dark. Subtle lighting symbolizes hidden lust. No one sees. Moans uttered. WOMAN’s mouth was previously spouting off on loneliness. MAN’s mouth was chewing rib-eye.
MAN enters. Or does he? This is rated PG-13. It’s so dark. Heavy breathing. It’s a joke. WOMAN flips a light switch. DOG sits panting heavily. MAN and WOMAN wear artfully rumpled clothing. They smell of fraud and regret.
MAN
You make me want to make love
like a better man.
WOMAN
Make the bed. It’s filthy.
Fade out. Because it’s not time yet. This is a misstep. The real sex scene will happen later in a trailer on a lot with crew smoking nearby.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – DAY
Yes. Day. Too light. Too sunshiny for anyone to have a hard-on.
It’s days after they’ve discovered their friends have been talking to each other about them.
WOMAN
I don’t feel beautiful and/or sexy for
a variety of reasons that are both personal
and systemic
societal issues.
MAN
I am going to make mistakes
that will make
my penis look appealing.
CUT TO:
EXT. MEN’S UNDERPANTS – NIGHT
This is months after a searing misunderstanding between MAN and WOMAN drove them to opposite corners of the office.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOMAN’S BRA – NIGHT
One second after the shot of the underpants.
CUT TO:
INT. MAN’S MOUTH – NIGHT
A few seconds after the bra is discreetly removed.
INT. VAGINA - NO TIME MARKER
No one is allowed to film inside here.
CUT TO:
INT. – NIGHT? SOMETIME LATER IN THE PITCH BLACK
EXT. – TWO PAIRS OF GLISTENING LIPS
INT. – UNIDENTIFIED CROOK IN THE BODY
EXT. – DUVET TOO EXPENSIVE FOR CHARACTER TO AFFORD
INT. – BRAIN – UNSURE OF TIME, CONFUSED
EXT.
INT.
EXT.
MAN
. . .
WOMAN
. . .
Fade out. Out of pity. Nothing to see here.
Sex Scene (revision)
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
An hour or so after MAN and MAN have consumed watery-looking wine.
Bright, under the fluorescents.
MAN weaves hand through hair, makes it worse, messes the comb’s work.
MAN
I’m not clean.
MAN
I know.
Camera blurs until the only thing in focus is the television screen.
CUT TO:
A FRUIT BOWL.
Claymation of the banana peeling itself.
MAN
I’m really into symbolism.
MAN
They based my character on the dad from ______________.
CUT TO:
EXT. MEN’S UNDERPANTS
CUT TO:
EXT. MEN’S UNDERPANTS
CUT TO:
EXT. MEN’S UNDERPANTS
CUT TO:
JOCKSTRAP.
No one is allowed to film inside here.
CUT TO:
INT. – PITCH BLACK
EXT. – PITCH BLACK
INT. – ARMPIT HAIR
EXT. – MEN’S UNDERPANTS
INT. – PITCH BLACK
EXT.
INT.
EXT.
MAN
(quotes something from Mean Girls)
MAN
I miss Lindsay Lohan.
Fade out. Out of pity.
Your Boobs
must be covered up
must have retractable nipples
must be dealt with in post
must not be seen by teens
must wear a bra during all sex scenes
must be held up by a slightly out-of-date bra
must pretend to find comfort
must appear happy
should bounce around just enough to make them appear happy
should be alluded to
should be invisible
may be used as a comic element
may be used as a sex prop
may give a man a black eye for comedic effect
are abusive
are offensive
are the cause of MPAA ratings restrictions
are changing into fatty monsters
are twisting dicks into fleshy pretzels
are taking down whole cities
are crushing men
are destructive
are great orators capable of compelling other breasts to join their cause with powerful speeches, commanding hand gestures, and threats of genocide
will increase and decrease in size at will
will increase and decrease in aggression at will
will ruin the world
will cause the end of civilization
Asshole
this is a compliment in the world of romantic comedies because if you’re interesting you must also be full of something: could be yourself, could be alcohol, could be a particular feeling like rage or despair or regret and you’re almost certainly full of that hilarious bitterness that affects people who blame all of their problems on some person who wronged them, a woman who wanted a hug or a coffee or a declaration louder than a sigh, or a man who couldn’t quite keep quiet even when the point was not to talk about himself or to talk at all, just full, and full of excuses for why things didn’t turn out, why they were dumped unceremoniously, why they are a GOOD GUY, a GOOD GIRL, just human sphincters holding back so much shit.