Dedication
To my mother--
Maa,
You pull me up and inspire me every single time I falter
To my readers,
I am not writing anything that hasn’t been said or written before. But I’m writing them in my words. I write just how I feel or observe events and moments in life. Every poem I write is raw and honest; without any ornamental words.
My only wish from this collection is that my words resonate with you and that you feel like these words have helped. I hope you find what you need in time.
All my love,
Deena
May, 2017
‘Just let go. Drift. Drift like a cloud in the sky. Drifting, into that special state, that state of peace. Don’t hang on to thoughts, don’t hang on to anything. Your mind is getting quieter and quieter. Bliss is taking over you.’
—Marlon Brando
Contents
Life
This is for us
All of you in this layogenic world
This monologue is for us
We feel too much
We love too much and too soon
We worry too much
We give too much
Unknowingly to the least deserving candidate
For all of us who are too good for this often cruel
Tedious journey called life
That goes on in tandem
I hope these words glue us
To the feeling that we are normal
That we are a treasure
For all of us,
In love with boketto
You know, just gazing into space
Without a thought in the world
And not feeling silly about it
This is for all of us for whom
Just existing is exhausting
Living every day and
And going through each day
For us for whom
Dealing with life is difficult
It is to show you that
There are more of you
And there are more of us
And we’re in this together
Bullets
Barrels of guns aren’t
The only ones that
Fire bullets
Bullet shrapnel
That sear through
Our mind
Words can do that too
Thoughtless hurtful
Words create in
Our hearts permanent wounds
Harsh words pierce into our soul
It forms a gaping hole in our heart
Mean words scar us
Like bullets, they disfigure us
We don’t stay the same
Negative words defeat us
Insensitive words take
Something away from
You who says it
It makes you less of a human
Kind words
You know how powerful
Words are, right?
Words that light us up
The kind words
Said with a smile
The encouraging phrases
Someone says to you
Those words make our hearts
Dance with happiness
Just one word
That’s all it takes to
Break us or
Build us
Meaningless Words
Why do we say things we don’t mean?
Why do we do the things we say we’d do?
Is this what it means to be the most evolved creature?
Does it make us the most civilized being on the planet?
So, that we trick people and manipulate situations?
Does this make us feel clever?
Does this make us feel superior to the ones we make a fool of?
Does this make us happy?
Evil
You’re toxic
And you don’t even know it
There’s an evil twin
Inside of you
It comes out
When you least expect
In front of the person
You don’t really mean
To hurt
This meanness
That’s in your words
The hatred
That’s in your eyes
You have a black
Heart growing
In that chest of yours
Beating silently
Behind the bright red
Heart that we all have
You say words
That would upset you
Them to you
You know all this
But you still want
Your words to
Hurt this person
Who loves you
As unconditionally
As she can
You are sorry
When the rage isn’t
Blinding your senses
And judgements anymore
But you’ve already
Left a scar that
Unkind words
Leave on your soul
Your ‘sorry’
Doesn’t fully
Heal that wound
It just numbs the pain
Judgemental
Form opinions
Develop thoughts
Grow ideas
Be a judge of your
Own character
Not someone else
Don’t criticize and
Embarrass someone
Talk to them
And discuss
Understand their
Point of views and
Make them see yours too
You don’t know how
They are feeling
You can’t see what
Your words are
Doing to them
Who gave you the right?
Just because she is kind doesn’t
Give you a chance to exploit her
Just because she truly cares for you
Doesn’t give you the right to
Play with her feelings
Just because she’s quiet
Doesn’t mean your actions or
Your words aren’t hurtful
Just because she trusts people easily
Doesn’t allow you to deceive her
Just because she listens to you
Doesn’t make her answerable
To your needs
Just because making someone
Happy pleases her
Doesn’t mean she
Is a doormat
Just because she
Cries easily doesn’t
Make her weak
Just because she
Agrees readily to
The things you say
Doesn’t give you the
Right to bully her
Just because she’s not
Fighting you now
Doesn’t mean she
Never would.
Growing Up
Remember the time when you were little
And felt grownups were annoying
And you wanted to grow up quickly so you wouldn’t
Need their help for everything anymore
Now, when you’re old enough
Do you feel the same?
Have you changed?
Do you think being a grownup is hard?
And you want to go back in time.
A quarter of your life has passed
And you still don’t feel like you’ve grown up
You still don’t feel like you’re an adult
You still have so much to learn
And so much to unlearn
Black clouds
The darkness
It ebbs and flows
Full moon hidden
Behind stormy black
Clouds of listlessness
Bouts of endless sadness
Blinding her from reality
And imagination
Making her forget
That these moments
Will pass
She feels helpless
She wants out
But doesn’t know
When or how
She doesn’t remember
To not listen to
Every single thought
That grows its limbs
Inside her head
She can’t see all
Those people who
Care for her
The feeling of not
Being able to bear
The only thought
That of simply vanishing
And not existing
Keeps bouncing back and forth
Just like a pendulum
Back and forth
Back and forth
Few minutes
The few minutes of euphoria
Feels like happiness
Is it really?
Or is it just an illusion?
A happy perception
That fools you
And everyone else too
Anxious mind
Heart fluttering
Ice cold hands
Can’t breathe
There’s not enough
Air in the room
Take control immediately
Talk to yourself
Stop panicking
Command your brain to relax
Take deep breaths
Breathe in
Breathe out
And repeat
Bottled Up
Tears choke me
Sometimes without a reason
Frustration kills me
The knife of pain slices through
My entire body
Fizzes here and sparks there
Feelings I can’t describe engulfs me
Without any warning
A blanket of sadness smothers me
Unscrewing the bottle cap
Of rushing emotions
Crying myself to sleep
Losing count of the sleepless night
When my blue heart was
Confused and puzzled.
Switch it off
She just wants to
Stop her mind
From forming
Thoughts
All kinds of them
It’s too dangerous
Just for a while
To switch off thinking
Unknown
Not knowing what’s
Going to happen
Makes me sick
I react physically
My sensations heighten
My pulse quickens
My breath comes
In short gasps
I feel nauseous
Sometimes my
Head spins
My vision gets blurry
I have to sit down somewhere
Uncertainty scares the hell
Out of me
I want someone to
Tell me what to do
I want you to tell
Me if I’m making
The right choices
I want to stop feeling
Terrified of the unknown
Rat race
Don’t let your heart
Be blinded with desperation
Don’t let your desires
Eat you up alive
Don’t be so consumed by
The rat race that
You stop being human
Nothing’s worth
Being this foolish
Starry eyed
You come from different parts of the world
You have stars in your eyes
In hopes of a better standard of living
Searching for a more secure career
Looking to earn a six figure salary
Expecting a comfortable life for your children
But it’s not always a dream come true
Sometimes it’s even more difficult than making
A mark in your homeland
You could have stayed back too
In a settled life
Sometimes you want to challenge yourself
Sometimes you want to leap out of your comfort zone
Whatever your reasons, know this much
Always keep your
Priorities in life straight
Analyze your decision with care
Give yourself chances to afford
The mistakes you make
Is it too much to ask?
Is it too much for us to understand each other?
Is it too much for you to look beyond my gender?
Is it hard for you to accept me regardless of my race and ethnicity?
Does it make you raise an eyebrow when you
See me dressed traditionally?
Will it be an uphill struggle for you to know my religious
Faith is different than yours?
Does it make you cringe
When I want to speak in my poetic mother tongue?
Will it make you shudder in horror if I want to eat a deshi meal with my hand?
Is it too much if I ask you to appreciate my culture when I already adapted to yours?
Tell me, am I asking too much of you?
*deshi-traditional
Forced separation
The incessant cries of the new born
Doesn’t let me sleep
The pain I feel
In its mother’s cry
Is equally distressing
The infant who’s born as
A result of a mechanical rape
If born a female, it’s destiny
Is the same as its mother
And if it’s a male, he’s
In for a gruesome fate
A few years into life
And then he’s slaughtered for meat
The mother, she always suffers the most
After giving birth, her milk is
Robbed from its rightful owner
Her milk becomes the sole property
Large business empires
The mother goes through
Continuous cycles of forced
Violations of her female parts
Until she is exhausted from giving birth
And then the old mother is taken to
The slaughterhouse too
All through the holy month,
Unassuming herds of cattle are
Bought to be sacrificed
Before the festive day, the night air is filled
With their shrill fearful cries,
Guessing their imminent end
On the day itself,
I avoid looking at religious men
Running around with blood
Splattered swords
Pools of blood on roads
The smell of innards and
Raw flesh haunts me
Days after it all ends
When I eat plants and leaves,
Seeds and grains
I’m not uprooting the whole plant
I know I’m
Replenishing them again
When you kill an animal, you
Are taking that life
And it’s gone forever
All Alone
Alone in the summer rain,
Alone when I shed teardrops in vain
Alone when I see roses showered in morning dews.
Alone as I see the evening sky lit golden pink
Alone as I seek the inner me.
Always wrong
For someone who’s so attuned to her feelings,
She manages to put her trust in the wrong people
People who don’t appreciat
e her worth
People who don’t match up to her morals
Or she can’t live up to their expectations
To her, it feels like a Them versus Her situation
She doesn’t know why she keeps on repeating her mistakes
Instead of learning from them
It’s a mystery
To her and
To them
Why don’t we build each other up?
We all are different
Our lives are not the same
But we are the same species
Our stories are similar
The struggles we go through
The sorrow we experience
Then why do we fight
Against each other
Why do we compete viscously?
Why are we hell bent on pulling down one another?
Why are we so focussed on picking out the flaws?
Why can’t we see the kindness in someone?
Why can’t we make ourselves speak
A few good words about someone
Even if they are grey and not angels?
Why are we so scared of helping our people?
Why are we so sarcastic of someone
Owning their genuinity?
Why do we rejoice when people suffer?
Why can’t our women stand up for each other?
Why can’t they stop being frenemies?
Why can’t we all be a little bit more human?
Or have we forgotten what being a human means?
To Hell with Patriarchy
My eyes are watching you
Watching me
Staring at me
Gawking at my body
Looking me up and down
Judging my clothes
Averting my eyes
Doesn’t help because