and she was telling us about a gay club
that plays hip-hop, R and B, dancehall,
and Afrobeat. Kim said it’s basically a black
gay club. She’s going tonight and I
said Sienna and I would go along. Kim’s driving
back to London. Do you wanna come?
It will be me, you, Sienna, and Kim.”
“Please come, Mike!” says Sienna,
in the background.
“Since when have you been making plans
with Sienna?” I ask Lennie.
“Since you went AWOL,” Lennie replies.
He’s right, I’ve not been a good friend lately.
I’ve been self-absorbed.
“Can I invite someone else?” I ask.
“Hold on,” says Lennie,
and the phone goes silent,
then, “Yeah, Kim says there’s space
for one more in the car.”
“They’re in London already,” I reply.
“Remember I told you about my friend Daisy?”
“Daisy? Oh, yeah. She has a girlfriend, right?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a shame, she sounded like
my cousin’s type.”
I hear Sienna and another girl, who must be Kim,
laughing.
“I’ll text you Kim’s address and Daisy can
meet us there at . . .” Lennie pauses.
“Nine,” says Kim.
“Nine,” repeats Lennie. “Come to mine ASAP.”
MICHAEL: I’m in London tonight!
DAISY: Yaaaay!!!! Will you be at your mum’s?
MICHAEL: No. I’m going to a club with friends from uni. Wanna come?
DAISY: Which club? Where is it?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. We’re meeting at 9 at someone’s flat. I’ll send you the address
DAISY: But what kind of club? What music?
MICHAEL: Black gay. R & B hip-hop
DAISY: You know I can’t dance to that!
MICHAEL: Just come! It will be fun!
DAISY: Will you protect me from the lesbians?
MICHAEL:
In the queue for the club, it’s me,
Daisy, Sienna, Lennie, and Lennie’s cousin
Kim. We had pre-drinks at Kim’s flat
and everyone is getting on.
Looking down the queue, I realize
I’m a bit too smartly dressed for this place.
I’m wearing the pink shirt, black trousers,
and black shoes that Mum bought me.
Daisy is wearing a sequin rainbow dress.
Kim, who is softly spoken and petite,
is wearing an oversized black tracksuit
and fitted cap, and looks like a teenage boy.
Sienna asked her earlier if she’s a trans man,
to which she replied, “Nah, I’m a soft butch.”
Sienna is wearing her green dress
and Lennie is wearing his green tracksuit.
We get into the club and there’s a lot
of people dressed like Kim. But
there are also people of all shapes and sizes
in tight, figure-hugging dresses
and short shorts with crop tops
showing off flat stomachs, abs,
and bouncing bellies. It’s beautiful!
Most of the people are black. Everyone
is dancing. It’s not a song I recognize but
I feel the beat and nod my head to it.
“Let’s get a round of drinks,” says Lennie.
“Good idea,” replies Sienna. “To the bar!”
And we all move toward it together,
all except for Kim, who has disappeared.
I’m looking into the crowd for her when
I see him. But I must be imagining this.
Wishful thinking. It couldn’t possibly be.
“Daisy, Daisy, look over there! You see
that person doing the headstand? Over
there? Behind them there’s a person
with green hair. To the left of them. See?”
“No! It can’t be!” says Daisy, gripping my
arm, as we stare into our recent past together.
“It looks like him, doesn’t it?” I say. And
for a second I think he’s looking back in our
direction.
“Yeah,” says Daisy, “but even if it is, you
can’t assume he’s gay just because
he’s here. He could just be here with
friends.” She points at Lennie and Sienna
kissing by the bar.
We’re both watching him intently.
“Did he get hotter?” asks Daisy.
“No,” I reply. “He looks exactly the same.
Maybe you’re just less racist now?”
“Oh my god, Michael, you’re such
a bitch. What’s happened to you at uni?”
I don’t know how to begin answering that.
I continue watching as he says something
to the person with green hair,
then disappears in the crowd.
I wouldn’t have believed this.
“Mikey, here’s your drink,” says Lennie,
handing me what I assume must be a rum
and Coke, carrying on from what we were
drinking at Kim’s flat. “Who are you two
checking out?”
“He’s gone. We thought we saw a guy
we both went to school with. But I can’t see
him now.”
My face must be showing all my emotion
because Lennie asks, “Why don’t you go
look for him? Where did you last see him?”
I think of school and him
waving at me from the soccer cage.
“It’s too packed in here to find anyone.
We’ve already lost your cousin.”
Lennie laughs. “Kim’s not lost, she’s
in there, exactly where she wants
to be, trust me. She’s a ladies’ man.
The stories she’s told me. She’s a player.
A real heartbreaker.”
I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Excuse me,”
he says, close to my ear, and I turn to him.
“Michael? You’ve cut your hair, but I recognized
you from all the way over there.”
Kieran is wearing a tight black top and I
can see the outline of his pecs and the top
of his abs. His jeans are black and tight,
his shoes are black boots, maybe suede.
“Kieran, yeah, hi. Remember Daisy?”
I’m nervous, I don’t know what to say to him.
“Yeah, of course, you were always together.”
He opens his arms and hugs Daisy
and I’m jealous that she got to hug him first.
I blurt out without thinking, “Can I get a hug?”
He smiles. “I’ve got a better idea—
how about a dance?” He winks.
“Why not give this brother a chance?”
I hand Daisy my rum and Coke
and take Kieran’s hand.
He leads me to the dance floor.
Beyoncé’s “Sweet Dreams” is playing now.
Dancing with Kieran is better than a dream.
He puts his hands on my waist
and pulls me toward him.
He bends both his legs to bring his groin
in line with mine
and we sway side to side,
finding a mutual rhythm.
His right hand leaves my waist
and then it’s stroking the side of my face.
I lean my head into his hand.
I once saw him knock someone out
with this hand. He lifts my chin
and he leans in and kisses me,
so s
oftly, no tongues. Just a peck.
Then he leans back and smiles.
Puts his right hand on my waist again.
Kieran from school.
Kieran who I watched playing soccer
in PE and at lunchtime.
Kieran who was kind to me,
always so kind. Was this the reason why?
Does it matter now?
“Kieran!” comes a voice from behind me.
“Kieran!” comes the voice again. Now
I see who it belongs to: the girl with green hair.
“Kieran, your sister is outside throwing up.
I’m ordering a taxi now.” Clicking her fingers
on the word “now.”
His hands drop from my waist.
“Oh! Shit!” says Kieran. “All right, I’m coming.
Just gimme a minute.”
“Okay, you have literally one minute.” And
she stands there with her arms crossed.
“Why don’t you give me your number?”
I say, handing Kieran my phone. I can feel
the Death Stare of Miss Green Hair.
“Yeah. Cool,” says Kieran as he types
his number into my phone. He hands it back.
Miss Green Hair claps her hands together
once on the word “Wonderful!” as sarcastic
as she can be. “Now, let’s go, Kieran.”
She pulls him through the crowd. And I’m just
thinking: Miss Green Hair is so fierce!
I look to where my friends are by the bar.
None of them are looking in my direction.
So I head the opposite way to the toilet.
I lock myself in a cubicle and write a poem
in my phone.
I Wanna Be Fierce
I’ve been friendly.
I’ve been frightened.
I’ve been fake.
But I’ve never been fierce.
I’ve been frustrated.
I’ve been forgotten.
I’ve been forgiving.
But I’ve never been fierce.
I wanna be fabulous.
I wanna be flamboyant.
I wanna flaunt what I’ve got.
I want to be fierce.
I go back to the group.
“I’m gonna go,” I say to whoever is listening.
Lennie looks at me sympathetically.
“Mikey, what happened with that guy?”
“It was nice,” I say, “but he had to go.
And I’m not feeling this place anymore.”
Sienna says, “Well, we were just talking
about heading back to Kim’s.”
As soon as we get in the taxi, I fall asleep
on Sienna’s shoulder.
“Not all angels have white wings,”
says The Black Flamingo in my dream.
I am also a black flamingo
in this dream. The two of us are
standing on the pebbles
of Brighton Beach. The sea foam
laps at our webbed feet.
Seagulls circle above.
“Who are you?”
I ask, taking one, two steps closer.
“Michael Brown,”
says The Black Flamingo, unmoved.
“Michael Angeli,”
I reply, spreading my wings.
“Mikey,”
says The Black Flamingo,
spreading his to match mine.
“Michalis,” I squawk.
“Mike,” he squawks back.
We peck at each other,
locking beaks once, twice.
The seagulls are laughing.
We back away slowly and fold
our wings.
I wake up.
Shit!
I’m meant to be on campus this morning
handing out flyers. It’s Drag Soc’s show tonight.
I leap up off the sofa, step over Lennie
and Sienna on the floor. Pat myself down:
Where’s my phone?
Step back over the sleeping couple
and search between the sofa cushions.
Found it!
I run out of the door, to the Tube,
to get to London Victoria station
and on a train back to Brighton.
KATY: Do you still need help this morning?
KATY: Rise and shine!
KATY: On my way to help with your makeup
KATY: I’m outside
KATY: Where are you?
KATY: I’ve gone back to mine to get ready
KATY: See you at Library Square?
KATY: Are you okay?
KATY: Are you still coming today?
KATY: Let me know that you’re all right
KATY: Mzz B is asking me where you are
KATY: ??
MICHAEL: Katy! Tell everyone I’m so sorry!
KATY: What happened?
MICHAEL: I went to London last night
But I’m on my way back now
I won’t be in drag but I’ll give out flyers
KATY: OK. I’ll tell Mzz B you’re on your way
MICHAEL:
MICHAEL: You awake? I’m on the train to uni
DAISY: Yeah. You okay? How was Kim’s?
MICHAEL: I fell asleep in the taxi
Then I woke up there this morning
DAISY: We were all drunk
MICHAEL: Was Kieran really there?
DAISY: Yeah! Don’t you remember?
MICHAEL: Kind of. But remind me?
DAISY: You danced. You kissed!!!!!
MICHAEL: You saw?
DAISY: Yeah! It was so cute!
MICHAEL: Do you think I should text him?
DAISY: Obviously
MICHAEL: What should I say?
DAISY: Just say, “Hey, it’s Michael”
MICHAEL:
MICHAEL: Hey, it’s Michael
The whole of Drag Soc is meant to be
in costume in front of the library.
Everyone is but me. I’m two hours late.
Mzz B is more than disappointed when
they see me.
“Save your excuses. Just hand these out,”
they say, pushing the pile of flyers
into my chest. They shake their head
and turn away.
They go to the portable sound system
and pick up the microphone. “Tonight,
Drag Soc presents Glitter Ball, the most
fabulous show you will ever experience.
These amazing drag kings and queens
will entertain and educate you in a way
that the books in this library could never do.”
Katy says,
“Don’t worry, I understand how intimidating
doing drag for the first time in public can be.”
I tell Katy,
“Honestly, I was gonna do it
but I had the craziest night.
I met a guy who I
had the biggest crush on in school
but I never thought was gay.
He loved soccer and fighting
and, well, that was it, really.
I never thought he’d be into me.”
Katy says,
“Did I ever tell you about how much
of a controversy it was when David Beckham
wore a sarong, a skirt essentially, in 1998?”
I look at Katy, confused.
“I wasn’t born then, neither were you.”
I look at her: England soccer uniform,
fake stubble, hair in cornrows;
she really does look like the photos
I saw online of nineties David Beckham.
I think of Kieran.
Is he gonna message back?
I think of Justin Fashanu,
the first openly gay
professional soccer player.
I think of how my sister
could wear my clothes
and play with my toys,
and it doesn’t seem fair.
MICHAEL: Hey, it’s Michael
Mzz B comes over and says,
“There’s always next term,
if you don’t feel ready for tonight.”
“I am ready!” I exclaim.
Mzz B looks me up and down
and raises an eyebrow.
“I mean, I’m not ready right now
but I will be tonight.”
I see Simon and Mia
enter Library Square;
they don’t notice me
at first and I’m relieved.
But I’m with a group
of drag performers
in their full costumes.
They see them
and me, the plain-clothed accomplice.
Mia is friendly in a way
that makes it clear she knows
what happened
between Jack and me.
Simon holds out his hand
for a handshake.
I place a flyer in his palm.
Mia says, taking the flyer
from Simon, “OMG, yes!
I love drag!”
Simon plays it cool.
“Sure, we’ll all come along.”
He says, “Jack’s here
for the weekend.”
I look behind them
and then behind me,
expecting to see
Jack.
“Relax,” says Simon.
“He’s still asleep on my sofa.”
My palms feel sweaty,
I grip the flyers tighter, so as not to drop them.
I pause to compose myself.
“Sure. Feel free to bring him,
if you like.”
MICHAEL: Hey, it’s Michael
KIERAN: Hey, Michael! You good?
I see Lennie and Sienna
enter Library Square,
they are hand in hand.
They come straight over to me.
“Well, look who it is,” says Sienna.
“I don’t see anyone,” says Lennie.
“Oh, you’re right. I thought I saw Mike
but he must have disappeared again.”
I roll my eyes. I think they rehearsed this.
“I’m sorry, guys. I had to get back here.
You were asleep.”
“You could’ve texted,” says Lennie. “Kim
was calling you my rude friend who didn’t say
goodbye or thank you.”
“Really?!” I feel mortified. “Will you call Kim