Suits me to start falling
I’ve always loved reading tragedies
I just didn’t think you’d be
In one of these sad stories.
WE’RE NOT BEGGARS
I told you not to love so much
I hope you did not listen
It’s better that you do it all out
Than hand out scraps
To people who truly need it.
RESUSCITATE
You keep coming back to him
To convince yourself that
You still feel,
You still hurt,
Your heart still works.
But that’s not love,
Don’t hang on to that.
NOTICE OF EVICTION
You need to move out
Pick up your stuff,
Dust the corners of my heart.
You need to move out
Sweep the floor,
Take your writings off the wall.
You need to move out
Clear out the space,
Leave absolutely no trace.
You need to move out
So my quiescent heart
Learns to love again.
The Hurt
MEMENTO
Throughout the years we’ve kept:
Tickets to concerts
Stubs from movies
Prize toys from cereal boxes
Notes scribbled
Books swapped
CDs burned
I don’t know what we were thinking.
Now that we’re apart
I have all of your stuff.
I asked you, should I return it?
You said, hold on to it.
Then added,
It’s a reason for us to see each other again.
The last time we talked
We mentioned these mementos—
Things that were not ours but in our possession.
I lost your book, you said.
I have your favorite movie, I claimed.
Keep it, you concluded.
Somehow keeping it
Wasn’t as comforting
As holding on to it
So we can see each other again.
When did we become such a bad idea?
THE MENTOR
Teach me how to forget
Like how you taught me your name
These words, what they meant
And which one you liked best.
Teach me how to forget
Like how you taught me to say
Good morning, good night,
Every damn day of our lives.
Teach me how to forget
Like how you taught me your secrets
Silly jokes, careful confessions
Anecdotes and one-liners.
Teach me how to forget
Like how you taught me to believe
How easy it was to disappear
Over
And
Over
Until I can no longer remember
The last time you were there.
IN HINDSIGHT
Darkness is a friend
We’ve been long acquainted
It was nice knowing your light
But I couldn’t be mended.
Sadness is a cloak
I wear around my shoulders
You let the sun soak
On my skin to recover.
But the dark, it remains
And you were slowly fading
You bring the sun,
But it keeps on setting.
THE PENSIEVE
I would like to see me in your memory
Maybe then I’d understand
How we turned out to be
From the very best
To this colossal mess
PLEA
You can’t help
Those who don’t want to be helped
That’s what you said,
I heard it.
I can’t help
How I felt
This is how I bled
You didn’t see it.
I liked you so much that I even dated your friends.
MEMORY
Did you ever talk about me
The way I talked about you?
With a smile or a sigh
Never a frown or a curse.
I bleed your impressions
Your every laugh and musing,
Your stories and dreams.
ROOT
It’s funny how
The thought of you makes me mad
When all along I thought
You’re the one person I’d exclude from that.
That was the problem:
I rooted for you.
And you?
You were just being you.
I expected you to spare me
Of any hurt,
Of any lie,
Thinking I deserved it.
Sometimes
I think this hate
Is not because you hurt me
Or because you lied.
You proved me wrong
And that stings more
Than all of the things
You’ve done combined.
How many times do I have to break my heart before I get it right?
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY,
PLEASE ACT ACCORDINGLY
I hope I never see you again
(But if I do)
Let’s not speak of this,
Let it be our little secret.
But if I do
(Because I will)
I hope I get to tell you,
Hello
And mean it when I say,
Goodbye.
DRUNK DIALING GHOSTS
I never drink
But when I do,
Sometimes I call you.
It would have been shitty
Except the phone never rings.
I never drink
But when I do,
I keep forgetting
That you never again told me
How to reach you.
I guess I’m just gonna live with you living inside my head.
MYSTERY SOLVED
I think you loved me
And I loved you
But we never really did
At the same time.
CAUTION
I tell myself,
Stop stepping on broken glass
But it’s too late for that.
You can’t break what’s already been torn apart.
ANALOGY
You gave me a box of paint
I never used it
Much like
You came to me with so much
And I refused it.
P.S. I still have the box. I wrote your name on it, in case someone dared to take it from me.
FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE
I kept your clothes
In case you’re wondering
They’re in a box labeled yours
Mixed with the things we’ve been missing
The Last
Should I be
Thankful
Or
Regretful
That my only idea
Of love
Is
You?
FOREIGN BEDS
Late night
In strange places
And foreign beds
I find myself thinking of you
Where you are
How you’ve been
Who you’re with that very second
I don’t ask
For these are simple questions
Only asked by people who matter
Your family,
Your friends,
Your lover.
No longer
Never will be
Me.
BOTH FEET ON SHORE
You’re not coming back, are you?
I got used to having you drop by
Every once in a while
That I’ve convinced myself
That you were coming home
As if you belong with me,
Not out on the sea.
ECHOES
Your words
Stuck to my skin
Painted all over
Tattooed well under
Your words
Stuck to my head
Played back like a record
I wish I could tell you
All I didn’t say then
I wish I could give you
Answers you were searching
I wish you were here,
I wish you were still near.
Your words
Faint as a whisper
Stick to me, still
Cause it’s all I have left
Of what we have and what could have been.
STILL
My favorite part of waking up at night
Is realizing that you’re holding me
That somehow, our subconscious
Found a way to keep us linked:
Arms around my waist
Thighs interlaced
Foreheads leaning in
Our breaths colliding
It’s so quiet,
So calm,
So tranquil,
That I drift off with a grin.
I wake up at night sometimes
Still
Sometimes from a bad dream
Sometimes for no reason at all
Then I feel sorry
For you’re no longer there
To wrap me in your arms
And kiss the nightmares away.
THE WORLD IS OUR SOUVENIR
The world remembers
What we try to forget
It’s in the embers
Of the things we left
It’s in the concrete,
The streets we used to tread
In the halls we used to meet
When we had hours to spend
It’s in the book you carried home
In this umbrella we shared
It’s in the stars you wished on
In your skin, your palms,
Your fingers: playing with my hair
It’s in your unmade bed
The wrinkle, the weight
It’s in the distance to the door I traveled
In the silence, partings unsaid.
LESSON
I’m tired of missing you
So I made a point to forget you
But it gets exhausting
Once you learn:
Forgetting is just another form of remembering.
CROOKED
I always felt like
Begging for your forgiveness
For the things I was afraid of
For the things you couldn’t fix
But I realized
I never owed you anything
I never needed your approval
I just needed to forgive myself
I found myself, bent:
Never quite broken,
Never quite lost,
Never quite yours.
I just want to stop wasting the time I’ve been wasting on you.
THE LAST STRAND
I don’t even know you
I mean
I used to
But you’ve become this nameless face.
You tried my patience
Tugged on the rope,
Yanked and pulled
Until you reached the point.
I don’t even know you.
I mean,
I really used to.
Sometimes I still wish I do
But I can only take so much
And you had the last strand.
You can’t hurt me anymore.
Not that you should try.
Not that I should let you.
FULL CIRCLE
I told you once,
Maybe someday I’ll write about you.
You asked me not to,
Said you wouldn’t read it.
You came to me
A few days ago
Told me you’d read my work,
Come back to me with what you thought.
Days passed and you never did
And I get it:
I lied;
You didn’t.
AURORA
You can keep ignoring me
But I will not live in the shadows
I am here,
I am light.
I am the tale you refused to tell.
I will not be silent.
ACCEPTANCE
I caught a glimpse of you
And I thought, I love you
Still—after all the years of
I’m over you
Maybe loving you
Will never go away
But it’s over
I know, I know, I know
It is neither here
Nor there
It is a peaceful middle
And I am okay.
EPILOGUE
Despite everything
I still thank the universe
For blessing me with you
As my first
If I could love you this much
For this long
—And on my first try—
Then surely,
I could love someone else more
Far better,
Far longer.
P.S.
Think of it as cruel
Think of it as hateful
None of this is true
Believe it or not at all
This started out for you
Only it ended for me
So with finality:
This is the last time I’ll ever write about you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dawn Lanuza writes contemporary romance and young adult fiction. This is her first poetry collection. She has two first loves—music and writing—and is lucky enough to surround herself with them. She works for music by day and writes meet-cutes and snappy comebacks by night.
She currently lives with her adopted cream toy poodle.
Contact her at:
www.dawnlanuza.com
dawn.lanuza@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/AuthorDawnLanuza
Twitter: @dawnlanuza
with love & gratitude to:
#romanceclass, for the support you’ve given to this one.
Layla Tanjutco
Mina V. Esguerra
Samantha Sotto
Reginald Lapid
Lulu Dumlao
Jay E. Tria
Mau Patajo
Patty Rice and the rest of the team at Andrews McMeel Publishing, for taking a chance on a girl who lives halfway around the world.
Maan and Ilia, for being on this journey with me.
My family: my mom, my sister, my brother, and my niece. My dog.
Wonderful friends, fellow poets, authors, and lyricists— you are the real inspiration.
Lastly, for you,
for choosing this book.
index
6 A.M.
ACCEPTANCE
ANALOGY
AND NOW I’M RUINED
ARE YOU OKAY?
AURORA
BOTH FEET ON SHORE
BOTTOM LINE
CAUTION
CONFESSION
CONSISTENCY
CONSPIRACY THEORY
CROOKED
DECOY
DRUNK DIALING GHOSTS
ECHOES
FOREIGN BEDS
FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE
FULL CIRCLE
GRIM, NOT A FAIRY TALE
HABITS
HEAD COUNT
HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, KID
“He was good for you.”
HH
How many times do I have to break my heart before I get it right?
I guess I’m just gonna live with you living inside my head.
I just want to stop wasting the time I’ve been wasting on you.
I liked you so much that I even dated your friends.
I meant to keep you
IN A NUTSHELL
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, PLEASE ACT ACCORDINGLY
IN HINDSIGHT
LESSON
LIKE A GREEK TRAGEDY
MEMENTO
MEMORY
METAMORPHOSIS
MIGRATORY BIRDS
MODERN VAMPIRES
MYSTERY SOLVED
NO APOLOGIES
NORTHERN STAR
NOTICE OF EVICTION
OTHER MEANS OF COMMUNICATION
OUR SONG
PEACE TALKS
PLEA
RATIONALE
REASONS FOR REJECTION
REFLECTION
RESOLVE
RESUSCITATE
REVOLVING DOOR