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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, to the people who saved my life and to whom I owe this book’s existence. My dearest friend and husband, who fed me every two hours, traded back rubs for bites of food, came in every morning with a smile even when all seemed hopeless, and who got me to the other side. Thank you forever—I love you, I love you, I love you! My unnamed hero and donor, I think of you daily. This book is for you and those you left behind. Professor John O’Grady, the House MD of the King’s College Liver Department, and his amazing team for their unflinching support. Dr. Agarwal for the smiles and wit! Dr. C. J. Tibbs, for really caring; I hope you know how much you gave me. My talented surgeon and the rest of the King’s surgical team, and to the nurses on Todd Ward—you are angels on this earth, I really hope you know that (but I’ll keep sending chocolates as a reminder!). Without all of you, this book wouldn’t be here. I humbly thank you for giving me my life. To every organ donor out there in the world: Thank you too!
Thank you, endlessly, to my mother, who gave me so much when she forced me to read to her (even through my wailing protestations!). For always believing it would happen and that I had something worth sharing. You are my favorite person in the world and always my biggest cheerleader. You make my world bright and put up with my insanities. I love you, and I’m proud you’re my best friend. You rock the socks off everyone!
To Polly Nolan and Sarah Davies, agents extraordinaire and superwomen, and to the rest of the Greenhouse staff, my deepest thanks for believing in this book and championing it across the oceans. I adore you, I really, really do!
To my editors, Alvina Ling and Jenny Glencross, a huge, massive thank-you for your sage advice and wisdom and for your faith, right from the get-go. For seeing things I couldn’t, and allowing me to bring out the best (and the worst) in Kaitlyn, Carly, Naida, Ari, and the rest of the Dead House gang; for helping me to see the beautiful tragedy of my ending. Jenny—we are twin Harry Potter souls! Alvina—your found-footage Hachette diaries still bring me the greatest joy! To Fiona Kennedy, for your enthusiasm and class. To Nina Douglas, for always providing awesome shenanigans, and to the whole Orion/Indigo team for such an amazing pitch document, which I have framed because it is so beautiful and magnificent! Thank you all for truly understanding The Dead House.
Huge thank-you also to the Little, Brown Books for Young Readers and Orion/Indigo teams and designers. I love you guys so much for bringing so much awesome to young adult literature. Thank you!
To my critique partners and best writerly friends, the YA League—Isabel Sterling and David Purse. You loved The Dead House all the way, and because of that, you loved me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! PS: Scotland, baby! (Our bitchin’ swans will always haunt me!) Huge thanks also to Melissa See, who promised Dead House cake and cosplay.
To my first readers and friends: Patti Rossier, Lauren Charles, Ashley Hartzell, and Ley Saulnier. You are some of the most beautiful, insightful, brilliant people I have ever met, and I’m honored to know you. Ashley, you saved me, girl, and I love you.
To the YA Scream Queens—Courtney Alameda, Jenn Johansson, Lindsay Currie, Trisha Leaver, Hillary Monahan, Lauren Roy, Cat Scully, and Sarah Jude Bromley—for showing me that there is a place for me and my weird brain, and for bringing YA horror to ready and willing readers (including me!). You are queens of the highest order.
A gigantic thank-you to the illimitable Kat Ellis, for the cake, coffee, and chats. I cherish them more than I can say! To my agent sister, Jen Rose Bell, for your enthusiasm, support, and beautiful spirit—I am so glad Polly brought us together! To Neil Jackson, Sarwat Chadda, Tara Kemsley, and Lia Keyes—thank you for the writing retreats! Here’s to so many more.
To my friends, who keep me grounded and happy: my twin and forever chop, Stacey Poulton; my beautiful and kind Mandip Kaur; my Mrs. Moose, Yurena Diaz; the wonderful and cherished Kimia Ahmadi; the lovely Colleen Mulhall; and my personal Viking, James Lidgey-Hutt. To anyone I haven’t mentioned, forgive a frazzled writer—but I love you, I do!
A big thank-you to my beautiful model, Amy! You are a perfect Kaitlyn and just gorgeous!
And you. If you’re reading this book, thank you so much. Words can’t express the honor I feel, knowing that you went on this journey with Kaitlyn too. Thank you.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The Scottish Mala and Grúndi aspects of this book are fictional, inspired by a childhood of travel and exposure to various cultural, tribal, and religious beliefs. Additionally, the fictional “Fair Island” in the book shouldn’t be confused with Fair Isle, which is a very real, very beautiful island off the coast of Scotland and part of Shetland.
Dissociative identity disorder is a fascinating, complex, and controversial disorder on the dissociative spectrum. The human brain is a magnificent tool, capable of breaking into pieces the conscious part of a person’s mind in order to protect the self from the memory of trauma. In DID (previously known as multiple-personality disorder), this means that at least two distinct personalities exist in one person, with one, or several, of the personalities (the “alters”) holding the memory of trauma away from the core personality so that he or she can function. Kaitlyn Johnson, as described by her (very negligent) doctor, is one such alter. What makes her unique is that she comes out only after dark and that—according to her—she has always been around and isn’t an alter at all, but a natural second half to her “sister.”
Kaitlyn was born during a period of my life when I experienced inversion syndrome (this is when you are awake at night, rather than during the day). During those nights, I began to think about what kind of life someone who had only ever known such darkness would have. What she would be like. How she would behave, how she would (or wouldn’t) associate with other people. And, of course, if there was a dark half to the equation in Kaitlyn, there had to be a light half. From that came Carly, someone who had only ever known warmth, light, and the reality of daily life. How different these two would be!
What might it be like to have control of only half your day? Would you love or resent the person who got the rest of it? Would you communicate with that person? How? What would it feel like not to have control of your own body—or worse, to feel as though your body may not even be yours?
What would it feel like to be told you are a symptom or a disease?
And then came the thought: What happens when the other half of your life is suddenly taken away? And what if someone told you the reason was not psychological (integration), but spiritual (demonic)? How would that feel?
Especially when no one will believe you’re real.
I would like to make a special thank-you to the person in my family who suffers with DID. You are the most intriguing person I know. All of you.
And another special thank-you to the doctors who gave me back control of my body.
This book is for you.
PHOTO CREDITS
Title page
Burnt paper: © istockphoto/sx70; doodle stars: © istockphoto/beastfromeast; old book: © istockphoto/najin; wood background: © istockphoto/sorendls
Part openers throughout
burnt paper: © istockphoto/sx70; grungey background: © 2012 Designed Powerpoint Backgrounds; woman in front of window: © shutterstock/eldar nurkovic
Dr. Lansing Therapy Notes throughout
notepaper pad: © istockphoto/blackred
Naida Camera Footage throughout
blue TV noise geometrical mosaic background pattern Naida Camera Footage: © boordon/shutterstock; old and weathered grunge texture: © iulias/shutterstock; TV noise: © View Apart/Shutterstock; TV screen with static noise: © blackboard1965/shutterstock; TV screen with static noise by bad signal reception: © Vasileios Karafillidis/shutterstock
&
nbsp; Naida Camera Footage
Ch. 10 image #1 girl: © Kamenetskiy Konstantin/Shutterstock; Ch. 10 image #1: © Biol iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 10 image #2: © zeljkodan/Shutterstock; Ch. 14 photo of girl on left: © wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock; Ch. 14 photo of girl on right: © bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock; Ch. 18: © Netfalls-Remy Musser/Shutterstock; Ch. 18 hallway: © Willem Havenaar/Shutterstock; Ch. 18 wall: © GuidoVrola iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 22: © Kat Ellis; Ch. 22 clouds: © purestock/thinkstock; Ch. 26 house: © Tim Markley iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 26 pumpkin: © Lee-J iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 28: © Atomazul/Shutterstock; Ch. 30: © ra2studio/Shutterstock; Ch. 34: © GlebStock/Shutterstock; Ch. 35: © Ollyy/Shutterstock; Ch. 40: © Ollyy/Shutterstock; Ch. 43: © pryzmat/Shutterstock; Ch. 43 nurse: © Kenneth Man/Shutterstock; Ch. 43 background: © optimarc/Shutter stock; Ch. 55: © Jeff Cameron Collingwood/Shutterstock; Ch. 60: © Warren Goldswain iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 66 image #1 lightbulb: © Warren Goldswain iStock/thinkstock; Ch 66 image #1 wall: © GuidoVrola iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 66 image #2 floor: © NUMAX3D iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 66 image #2 mattress: © karammiri iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 69: © Maltaguy1/thinkstock; Ch. 71: © icsnaps/Shutterstock; Ch. 71 room: © photoneye/Shutterstock; Ch. 73 image #1: © Kat Ellis; Ch. 73 image #2 wall: © Valentin Agapov/Shutterstock; Ch. 73 image #2 face: © Valua Vitaly/Shutterstock; Ch. 74: © Author; Ch. 79: © Valua Vitaly/Shutterstock; Ch. 80 foggy street scene: © Francesco Cura Hemera/thinkstock; Ch. 80 image #3 jars: © AprylRED iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 81: © Dušan Kostić iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 82: © Nataly S /Shutterstock; Ch. 84: © Remigiusz_Szczerbak iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 86: © Veselovfotok/Shutterstock; Ch. 89 image #1: © Zastolskiy Victor/Shutterstock; Ch. 89 image #2 candles: © sbarabu iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 89 image #2 wall: © GuidoVrola iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 89 image #3 dresser: © MatthewJean-Louis iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 93: © ronstik iStock/thinkstock; Ch. 94: © Paul Schlemmer/Shutterstock; Ch. 96 doorway: © Gwoeii/Shutterstock; Ch. 96 guy: © Sigapo/Shutterstock; Ch. 100 arm: © Who is Danny/Shutterstock; Ch. 100 hand: © MAHATHIR MOHD YASIN/Shutterstock; Ch. 102: © View Apart/Shutterstock; Ch. 109: © TheRenderFish/Shuttershock; Ch. 110 image #1 burnt bed: © razerbird istock/thinkstock; Ch. 110 image #1 flames: © Kesu01/thinkstock; Ch. 110 image #2: © rob dobi/Shutterstock
Ch. 64 Special Bulletin
vintage paper: © istockphoto/Nic Taylor.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Prologue
PART I: THE SELF THAT ISN’T ME Chapter 1
Chapter 2: 155 days until the incident
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5: 153 days until the incident
Chapter 6: 149 days until the incident
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9: 144 days until the incident
Chapter 10
Chapter 11: 126 days after the incident
Chapter 12: 136 days until the incident
Chapter 13: 131 days until the incident
Chapter 14
Chapter 15: 127 days until the incident
Chapter 16
Chapter 17: 125 days until the incident
PART II: WE ARE ME Chapter 18
Chapter 19: 124 days until the incident
Chapter 20
Chapter 21: 131 days after the incident
Chapter 22: 119 days until the incident
Chapter 23: 116 days until the incident
Chapter 24
Chapter 25: 135 days after the incident
Chapter 26: 95 days until the incident
Chapter 27: 89 days until the incident
Chapter 28
Chapter 29: 93 days until the incident
Chapter 30: 93 days until the incident
Chapter 31
Chapter 32: 36 days until the incident
Chapter 33: 91 days until the incident
Chapter 34: 88 days until the incident
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38: 81 days until the incident
Chapter 39
Chapter 40: 79 days until the incident
Chapter 41
PART III: ME, NOT ME Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44: 71 days until the incident
Chapter 45
Chapter 46: 70 days until the incident
Chapter 47
Chapter 48: 69 days until the incident
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54: 55 days until the incident
Chapter 55
Chapter 56: 48 days until the incident
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63: 41 days until the incident
Chapter 64
PART IV: THE SELF THAT ISN’T YOU Chapter 65: 135 days after the incident
Chapter 66: 40 days until the incident
Chapter 67: 39 days until the incident
Chapter 68: 34 days until the incident
Chapter 69: 32 days until the incident
Chapter 70
Chapter 71: 31 days until the incident
Chapter 72: 30 days until the incident
Chapter 73: 29 days until the incident
Chapter 74: 28 days until the incident
Chapter 75
Chapter 76: 26 days until the incident
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80: 24 days until the incident
Chapter 81
Chapter 82: 23 days until the incident
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85: 16 days until the incident
Chapter 86: 15 days until the incident
Chapter 87: 14 days until the incident
Chapter 88: 23 days after the incident
Chapter 89: 9 days until the incident
PART V: WHO ARE… I? Chapter 90
Chapter 91: 8 days until the incident
Chapter 92: 7 days until the incident
Chapter 93: 6 days until the incident
Chapter 94
Chapter 95: 5 days until the incident
Chapter 96
Chapter 97: 4 days until the incident
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100: 3 days until the incident
Chapter 101: 42 hours before the incident
Chapter 102: 26 hours before the incident
Chapter 103
Chapter 104
Chapter 105
Chapter 106
Chapter 107: 3 hours before the incident
Chapter 108
Chapter 109
Chapter 110
Chapter 111
Chapter 112
Acknowledgments
Author’s Note
Photo Credits
Copyright
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 by Dawn Kurtagich
Cover art by Getty Images
Cover design by Jeff Miller, Faceout Studio
Cover © 2015 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First ebook edition: September 2015
ISBN 978-0-316-29866-7
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