IZZY
Afraida who?
HOWIE
Fisbo: For Sale By Owner. No middleman. I was trying to avoid the commission but we probably need one.
(Regarding sign-in sheet) This was a wash I think. (Looking over clipboard) I thought we had a bite with that family—the little girl. Nothing though. Maybe I priced it too high. Or they were just browsing maybe.
IZZY
(Eating) You freaked them out, Howie.
(Beat.)
HOWIE
No, I didn’t. What are you talking about?
IZZY
You should’ve cleaned out Danny’s room. Made it look like a guest room or something. An office, or whatever.
HOWIE
Why?
IZZY
Because everyone that went in there was like, “Oh, you have a son, how old is he?” Did you think people wouldn’t ask that?
HOWIE
I didn’t think about it. I just thought it’d be good for them to see there was a nice room for a kid.
IZZY
But common sense, Howie. You’ve got these robot sheets on the bed, the conversation’s gonna come up. And so everyone asks, and then you tell them, and then there’s this weirdness in the air.
HOWIE
Only two people asked. That’s all.
IZZY
Well you ooged them out. If you had a kid, would you wanna move into a house where a boy just died? People believe in that stuff, you know. House karma, or whatever you wanna call it.
HOWIE
Well they’re stupid then.
IZZY
Yeah, they are. But if you wanna sell your house you gotta take that into consideration. I can’t believe I’m giving you business advice.
HOWIE
Is that what this is?
IZZY
I’m just saying, sometimes you gotta sort out what is and isn’t appropriate to say to people.
HOWIE
It isn’t appropriate to talk about my son?
IZZY
Uh-uh, you’re not pulling me into that conversation. You wanna tell total strangers all about Danny and how he died, it’s none of my business. God knows it’s something you enjoy doing, so you go ahead. But don’t be surprised if nobody wants to buy your house.
(Finishes torte) Good god, Becca has gotta stop baking. I’m gynormous.
(We hear the dog barking out in the yard. Howie looks outside.)
Someone coming?
HOWIE
(Regarding Taz) No, he’s just mad he’s still tied up.
IZZY
(Looks at her watch, then) So, hey, let me ask you something ...
(Beat.)
HOWIE
All right.
IZZY
Why is Becca so mad at me? Is it just because I’m pregnant or ...
HOWIE
Becca’s not mad at you.
IZZY
Then why does she act so pissed at me sometimes?
HOWIE
I don’t know. You should ask her.
IZZY
I can’t.
HOWIE
Why not?
IZZY
Because that’ll only make her more pissed.
HOWIE
Yeah, probably, but—
IZZY
Is it because she blames me? A little bit maybe?
HOWIE
Oh my god, Izzy ...
IZZY
Because if I hadn’t called to bitch about Mom she wouldn’t have left Danny to run in to—
HOWIE
Ten months later and you’re asking me this?
IZZY
Well, I don’t know.
HOWIE
No, Izzy. No. Nobody blames you.
IZZY
Okay.
(Beat.)
So it’s just the baby then. The fact that I’m having a baby.
HOWIE
Honestly, I don’t think Becca’s mood has anything to do with you.
IZZY
She thinks I can’t do it. Right? I’m not cut out to be a good mother?
HOWIE
She doesn’t think that. You should really be having this conversation with her.
IZZY
I know I’ve been a fuck-up, but people get their shit together.
HOWIE
Of course they do.
IZZY
And maybe I’m not as organized as Becca, or homey, or whatever—
HOWIE
Nobody’s comparing you.
IZZY
Really? Because that’d be a first.
Everyone’s excited about the baby, Iz. But you gotta understand that there’s other stuff going on around here.
IZZY
I’m not talking about the other stuff. I’m talking about me being a capable person who can raise a child, and look after it and protect it. I resent the feeling I get from her, and you too sometimes, honestly, that I don’t deserve the baby. Or that I’m not mature enough, or smart enough or something, to take care of it. I mean, my god, if my mother could do it, how hard could it be?
(Beat.)
HOWIE
You’d be surprised.
IZZY
Hey, that’s not what I ... I just want to feel like you guys have some faith in me, because I’m up to it.
HOWIE
Great. I hope you are.
IZZY
Oh, you hope. Thanks, Howie.
HOWIE
I don’t know where you want this conversation to go. And I really don’t know why you’re having it with me.
(Glances at his watch) Aw fuck it. Nobody’s coming.
(Howie takes off his suit jacket. He tosses it onto the couch, then heads into the kitchen.)
IZZY
Are you mad?
HOWIE
No.
IZZY
You seem mad.
HOWIE
(From kitchen) I’m just getting a beer. You want one?
IZZY
No, I don’t want a beer. God.
(Howie gets himself a beer out of the fridge, then reenters from the kitchen.)
Can I ask you something else?
HOWIE
What do you got, a list? “Things to ask Howie when he’s cornered?”
IZZY
No. Not a list.
HOWIE
What is it?
IZZY
You’re not gonna like it.
HOWIE
Well then, even better.
IZZY
Do you know my friend Reema?
HOWIE
This is the question?
IZZY
No, this is the prologue. You know how some books have prologues?
HOWIE
I’m familiar with the concept.
IZZY
That’s Reema. You remember her?
HOWIE
Not really.
IZZY
I brought her to that barbecue like two years ago? Curly hair, kinda chubby.
HOWIE
Okay. I’ll take your word for it.
IZZY
Well, Reema works at Calderone’s. In New Rochelle. You know that restaurant?
(Beat.)
HOWIE
Yeah.
IZZY
Well Reema, even though you don’t remember her, remembers you pretty well from the barbecue, and she said she waited on you a couple weeks ago.
HOWIE
Did I stiff her on the tip? Because had I remembered her, obviously I would’ve—
IZZY
She said you were with a woman.
(Beat.)
HOWIE
I was with another parent from the support group. Two weeks ago, right? We grabbed a bite after the meeting. If Reema had identified herself, I would’ve introduced them.
IZZY
Her husband doesn’t attend the meetings?
HOWIE
Is this still part of the prologue?
IZZY
Why were you holding hands?
(Beat.)
Reema said you were holding hands.
HOWIE
And Reema’s what exactly, your spy?
IZZY
No, she’s a waitress. She was just at work. You were the one sneaking around.
HOWIE
Okay, now I am mad.
IZZY
I told you, you weren’t gonna like it.
HOWIE
That woman is a friend of mine whose daughter died of leukemia six months ago. Jesus, Izzy, what are you trying to—?
IZZY
I’m just asking a question. You don’t have to get defensive.
HOWIE
Just because I was holding a person’s hand doesn’t mean—
IZZY
I know you and Becca are having troubles—
HOWIE
What are you talking about?
IZZY
—but I’d like to think that if things got to a point where they were unsavable, that you’d be man enough to fish or cut bait—
HOWIE
Who said we were having troubles?
IZZY
—and not make things worse than they already are by fucking around behind Becca’s back.
HOWIE
You are way off base, Izzy!
IZZY
And I know there’s “other stuff going on around here” but that doesn’t excuse it.
HOWIE
This is so beyond ridiculous, I don’t even know how to respond to you.
IZZY
I don’t need you to respond. I just wanted to ask the question and say what I had to say. You can do whatever you want about it.
HOWIE
About what? I’m not having an affair!
IZZY
Okay.
HOWIE
I was comforting a friend!
IZZY
Great, I’m glad to hear that.
HOWIE
And I don’t know where this Reema person gets off making these offensive assumptions about me—
IZZY
She’ll be happy to hear it was a misunderstanding.
HOWIE
I mean, god, Izzy. And right after your shpiel about us not having faith in you. What do you think of me?
IZZY
I’m sorry, it’s my sister. I had to ask.
HOWIE
Well you’ve asked.
IZZY
Indeed I have.
HOWIE
Jesus.
(Beat.)
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I ever see this Reema again, I’m gonna tell her what I think of her talking shit about me.
IZZY
You should. She’ll like that. (Heads into the kitchen) I’m gonna get some juice.
HOWIE
And for the record, I hope I did stiff her on the tip.
IZZY
Yeah well, for the record, you did.
(Left alone, Howie is reeling, but trying not to show it. He drinks his beer.
After a couple beats, Becca and Nat come in through the front door carrying bags of groceries. They’re in the middle of an argument.)
NAT
Luckily she had read about it in the papers—
BECCA
Of course she did.
NAT
—so when I explained it, she realized who you were.
BECCA
You should’ve gotten her phone number. We could’ve had her over for cocktails.
HOWIE
Heyyy, they’re back.
NAT
I was just trying to help.
BECCA
Well I don’t need you chasing after me cleaning up my messes.
HOWIE
What happened?
BECCA
Or apologizing for me.
NAT
That’s not what I was doing.
HOWIE
IZZY
Did something happen?
You get my message about the olive loaf?
BECCA
No, I shut my phone off.
NAT
I had to do something, Becca.
IZZY
(To Becca) Why?
BECCA
(To Izzy) Because you kept calling me.
IZZY
NAT
But I wanted olive loaf.
If I didn’t say something, she would’ve had the cops there.
HOWIE
Cops where?
BECCA
She would not have called the cops.
NAT
You don’t know that.
IZZY
Someone was gonna call the cops?
HOWIE
What happened?!
BECCA
Nothing.
NAT
We had a little scene, that’s all.
(Regarding groceries) Lemme do this.
(Nat puts some of the groceries away. Becca moves to look over the sign-in sheet on the clipboard.)
BECCA
How’d we do here? Looks a little light, doesn’t it?
HOWIE
What kind of scene? What scene did you have?
BECCA
In the supermarket.
IZZY
You and Mom?
NAT
(From the kitchen) No, I was not involved.
BECCA
It’s so stupid.
HOWIE
What happened?
BECCA
This is why I hate shopping. Everything in there’s like: “Oh look, Froot Loops, Danny liked Froot Loops. Hey, string cheese. Danny hated string cheese.” Everything. Howie, you’ve got to do some of the food shopping. I’m sick of saying it.
NAT
(Comes back in) Becca got a little upset.
HOWIE
About what?
NAT
There was a boy there.
HOWIE
He reminded you of Danny?
BECCA
No. Maybe a little, but not really, no.
NAT
He had red hair.
BECCA
What happened was we were in the same aisle as this kid and he wanted these roll-ups, fruit roll-ups, and his mother was being a hard-ass about it, saying she wasn’t gonna buy them for him.
NAT
And it wasn’t because she couldn’t afford it, because you could tell she had money.
BECCA
But the kid was getting whiny about it. Which makes sense, because he’s five years old and he really wants these roll-ups, but the mother wouldn’t give in. In fact she starts ignoring him completely, just turns her face away and pretends he’s not there. Just goes about her shopping, like that’s gonna shut him up, or teach him a lesson or something. Case closed sort of thing. But that only gets him more upset. So that pissed me off for some reason.
HOWIE
What did?
BECCA
The way she was ignoring him, instead of trying to explain why he couldn’t have them.
NAT
So she walked over to her.
HOWIE
What? Why?
BECCA
I don’t know. I just did.
IZZY
What’d you say?
BECCA
I said, “It’s only three bucks, why don’t you just get him the fucking roll-ups?”
HOWIE
Oh, no ...
BECCA
And she looked a little miffed. But she smiled a little—I don’t know why—and explained to me that she didn’t want her son eating candy. And so I said it wasn’t actually candy, in fact fruit roll-ups are relatively healthy, and they’re made with real fruit, and why not give him a treat? And she told me to mind my own business, and then tried to move her cart around me, but ran over my foot by accident, so I smacked her.
(Beat.)
HOWIE
What?
BECCA
I smacked her.
NAT
She did. She smacked her. I couldn’t believe it. Real hard too.
HOWIE
Becca ...
BECCA
I know. It was awful, and then the boy started crying. I felt terrible, but she pissed me off.
IZZY
You hit that woman?
HOWIE
Izzy, don’t.
IZZY
I’m just saying. Glass houses.
BECCA
She was ignoring him.
NAT
She was ignoring him. It was pretty bitchy.
BECCA
I wanted to shake her: “Look at him. Don’t pretend he isn’t there!” But I didn’t say that. I just stood there, kinda startled, and she was kinda startled, and then Mom came over and told me to go out to the car, which I did not need her to do.
NAT
I just explained everything to her. That’s all I did. And she was mad at first, but I explained it, and she understood.
BECCA
No she didn’t.
NAT
After I talked with her, I’m saying.
BECCA
Still, she didn’t understand, Mom. I’m sure you just made it seem like I was a crazy person. Some unstable—
NAT
You did slap her, Becca.
BECCA