That was stupid.
NAT
“Hey, look at me! I’m a Kennedy! I can catch a ball while flying down a mountain on sticks!” Of course he died. Idiot. And I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but this was a grown man acting like a moron. The arrogance of these people.
HOWIE
The Greeks would call that hubris. “Arrogance in the face of ...” It might not technically be hubris actually.
NAT
If hubris means reckless, then that’s right.
HOWIE
No, it doesn’t mean reckless. It’s more about the gods.
NAT
That’s probably the right word then. They’re very Catholic, those Kennedys.
HOWIE
Now I’m curious, I’m gonna look it up. (Goes to find dictionary)
NAT
(Regarding wine bottle) Fill me up, wouldja Becca?
(Becca reluctantly refills her glass.)
Isn’t this nice? Sitting around talking politics? I never do this. It’s a nice change.
(Becca turns to pour Izzy some wine. Izzy puts her hand over the glass.)
IZZY
It’s juice. I’m drinking juice.
BECCA
Right, sorry.
IZZY
That’s the third time you’ve done that.
BECCA
I know, I’m sorry.
IZZY
Are you testing me, Becca?
BECCA
No, I’m not testing you. It’s just habit. I’m sorry.
HOWIE
(With dictionary) Here it is: “hubris, an insolent pride or presumption.”
NAT
That’s them all right. Insolent pride.
HOWIE
And number two is: “in Greek tragedy, arrogance toward the gods leading to nemesis.”
IZZY
It’s like coming to school when we visit you two.
HOWIE
Is that right?
BECCA
Izzy hated school.
IZZY
No, I didn’t. Don’t listen to her, Howie. I liked school. Just because I was lousy at it didn’t mean I hated it.
BECCA
Sounds like you and squash, Howie.
HOWIE
(To Izzy) She means the game, not the vegetable.
IZZY
I knew what she meant.
NAT
You know who was cursed? Rose Kennedy. A hundred and four years old. Living through all that death, one after another. She’s the one I feel sorry for.
(Beat.)
BECCA
Anyone want more cake?
HOWIE
None for me.
BECCA
We should do gifts then.
IZZY
Yay! Gifts!
NAT
I don’t know how I got on all that Kennedy stuff. What was I talking about before?
HOWIE
Aristotle Onassis.
NAT
Oh right, that makes sense. What was I saying about him?
IZZY
You were saying how he’d get really tipsy and never stop talking.
NAT
(Laughs) You bitch. I’m not tipsy. I’m sure I had a very interesting point to make.
(Becca hands a big present to Izzy.)
BECCA
This is from us.
IZZY
Wow. Thank you.
HOWIE
Happy birthday.
IZZY
It’s wrapped so nice. It’s a shame to rip it open.
NAT
Becca always makes such nice bows. I don’t have the patience. My fingers are too fat.
(Izzy unwraps a very tasteful bathroom set.)
Ohh, look at that.
BECCA
It’s more of a practical gift, but I thought you could use it.
HOWIE
It’s a bathroom set.
IZZY
I see. It’s nice.
NAT
Look at the colors. So pretty.
BECCA
The gift receipt’s inside if you want a different style.
NAT
Why would she want a different style? It’s beautiful. Isn’t it beautiful?
IZZY
Is this your way of telling me you don’t like my Three Stooges shower curtain?
BECCA
Of course not.
IZZY
Okay.
BECCA
This is for when you want a change, you’ll have it.
NAT
That Three Stooges thing is kinda goofy, honey.
IZZY
The word is kitschy, Mother.
NAT
Look up kitschy, wouldja Howie? See if it says crap?
BECCA
I didn’t know what to get you.
IZZY
This is great. Seriously, thank you.
BECCA
I like your shower curtain.
IZZY
I know, I was kidding.
NAT
And since you’re moving in with Auggie—
IZZY
That’s right. His bathroom needs a little froofing up. Thank you.
BECCA
You’re welcome.
IZZY
Thanks, Howie.
HOWIE
(Chuckles a little) Don’t thank me. Becca picked it out. (Off Becca’s look) What?
NAT
Okay, now me. (Hands Izzy an envelope)
IZZY
Oooh, an envelope. Smells like cash.
NAT
You wish. You think I’m gonna trust you with cash? It’s a gift certificate.
IZZY
(Opens it) To A Pea in the Pod!
NAT
They have very nice maternity clothes. Nothing schlubby.
IZZY
Thank you, Mommy. (Hugs her)
(Beat.)
BECCA
I thought we weren’t doing baby stuff.
NAT
Who said that?
BECCA
For the birthday. I thought we’d wait until the shower.
NAT
I’ll get her something else for the shower. What’s the difference?
BECCA
Nothing, I just would’ve gotten her something different had I known we were doing baby stuff.
HOWIE
That’s my fault. I told her to—
NAT
It’s not baby stuff, it’s mommy stuff. She’s gonna need clothes.
BECCA
I know, that’s why—
IZZY
This is perfect, Bec. I needed a bathroom set.
BECCA
I know you did, but you need baby stuff more.
HOWIE
So take it back. We can take it back.
IZZY
Don’t tell her that.
BECCA
No, he’s right. I should.
IZZY
Becca, please.
BECCA
I’ll get you a basket of Mustela lotions instead. They prevent stretch marks.
(Becca tries to take the bathroom set back. She and Izzy struggle over it for a beat.)
IZZY
Becca, let go. I like the bathroom set. You can get the lotions another time.
(Becca lets go, a little embarrassed.)
BECCA
Okay.
IZZY
Thank you.
NAT
It’s a nice set. I like the colors.
HOWIE
More juice, Izzy?
IZZY
No, I’m good.
(They sit in silence for a couple beats.)
NAT
So can anyone use those stretch-mark lotions, or just pregnant ladies?
HOWIE
Hey, how’s Taz.
NAT
He’s good. The vet says he needs to lose some weight though.
HOWIE
Really?
NAT
Yeah, he eats like a trooper.
HOWIE
What are you feeding him?
NAT
Just regular dog food. Whatever’s on sale.
HOWIE
Oh. Because I wrote down the name of what he usually eats on that printout I gave you. Do you still have that printout?
NAT
Yeah.
HOWIE
We were feeding him Science Diet. They have this special low-fat mix.
NAT
Oh that stuff’s so expensive though. He likes what I’ve been giving him.
HOWIE
Except it makes him fat.
BECCA
Howie—
NAT
He’s not fat. He’s just a little chubbier.
IZZY
I think the weight suits him.
NAT
Maybe he eats too much because he feels punished. That’s what I do.
(Beat.)
I think he misses you.
IZZY
Remember Pickles? Now she was fat. (To Howie) That was our dog growing up. She was this enormous ... I don’t even know what. (To Becca) What breed was Pickles?
BECCA
She was a mutt.
IZZY
No, I know, but she was mostly collie I think, with some German shepherd mixed in. Remember how fat she was?
HOWIE
Probably because of what you fed her.
IZZY
Well, yeah, probably.
NAT
Now I remember what it was. What I was gonna say about Aristotle Onassis.
IZZY
Mom, do you have to—?
NAT
It was about his son, the one who died in the plane crash.
BECCA
I’m gonna wrap up the cake for you. (She does)
NAT
I know—another rich kid in a plane crash—but this was my whole point. You should’ve stopped me from going off on that Kennedy tangent, because my point was about Onassis, and how when his son died, he was so distraught by the senselessness of it all, that he put up this big reward to anyone who could prove that someone had sabotaged the plane. Have you read this, Howie?
HOWIE
I’m not sure.
NAT
He just couldn’t accept that what had happened was an accident, so he offered all this money to anyone who could give him a reasonable explanation. He needed someone to blame.
BECCA
(To herself, while wrapping the cake) Aw, Jesus. Here we go.
NAT
He needed a reason for losing his son. But it didn’t come of course. And it killed him. The grief did. He only lasted a couple years after that. Because he never came to terms with it. There was nothing to give him comfort, and so he died. You see?
(Becca turns to face her.)
He would rather his son have been killed by some kind of secret assassination than by bad luck. It’s like the Kennedy curse, isn’t it? People want things to make sense.
BECCA
We don’t think Danny died because of a curse, Mom.
NAT
Of course not.
BECCA
Or because someone sabotaged us, or was out to get us. We know there’s no sensible explanation.
NAT
I know you do.
BECCA
Then why are you telling this story?
NAT
I’m just talking. I can’t talk?
BECCA
You never just talk. It sounds like you’re just talking but it’s always so much more, isn’t it.
NAT
I don’t even know what that means.
IZZY
Hey, here’s an idea, let’s change the subject.
BECCA
(To Howie) Didn’t I say no wine?
HOWIE
She brought it herself, what was I supposed to do?
NAT
What’d I say?
IZZY
Mom, you promised.
NAT
Promised what? It’s not my fault she missed my point.
BECCA
What point? That Aristotle Onassis died of grief because he couldn’t find someone to blame?
NAT
I’m not talking about blame, I’m talking about comfort.
BECCA
Ohhh, comfort. Well then.
IZZY
You guys, this is supposed to be my party.
NAT
Where are you getting it?
BECCA
Comfort?
NAT
Yes, if I may ask.
BECCA
I’m not.
NAT
Well.
BECCA
Well what?
NAT
Well I think you should.
BECCA
NAT
Don’t get flip, Becca. I’m just trying to talk to you.
IZZY
I’m gonna clean up, because I think we’re just about done here.
NAT
Howie says you won’t go to the support group.
(Beat.)
BECCA
Oh. Howie said.
HOWIE
She was asking how you were doing.
BECCA
Why didn’t you just say fine? You know she’s gonna run with whatever you give her.
NAT
I always thought talk was healthy. Isn’t that what all the books say, Howie?
BECCA
So this is what exactly, an intervention?
IZZY
If it is, then I’m really pissed.
HOWIE
It’s not an intervention.
NAT
We’re just having a discussion.
IZZY
You couldn’t wait until tomorrow? It had to happen on my birthday?
HOWIE
Izzy, please.
NAT
I remember when Arthur died, I found the support group very helpful.
BECCA
Well that’s you. It isn’t me. And Arthur isn’t Danny.
NAT
I’m not saying he is. I’m just saying it was helpful.
HOWIE
She doesn’t like the people.
BECCA
Howie—
HOWIE
What? You don’t. I was just explaining.
NAT
What’s wrong with the people? They’ve lost children, too. They understand what you’re going through.
BECCA
No they don’t. They understand what they’re going through.
NAT
Still, you must have things in common.
BECCA
You would think so, Mother, but actually we don’t. Other than that dead kid thing, of course.
NAT
It can’t hurt to give it another try, Becca.
BECCA
Actually, it can. You haven’t met that room full of God-freaks.
HOWIE
They’re not God-freaks.
BECCA
Most of them are, Howie. That’s all they talk about. God’s plan. “At least he’s in a better place.”
HOWIE
They’re not all like that.
BECCA
My favorite is: “God needed another angel.” What is that? He’s God! Why can’t he just make another angel? These people ...
NAT
Maybe God gives them comfort.
BECCA
Well it pisses me off. Trying to find some ridiculous meaning in—“Hey look, I stepped in shit, it must be part of God’s plan.”
NAT
Now you’re just being silly.
BECCA
I’m being silly.
NAT
Faith helps people cope. What’s wrong with that? I know when your brother died—
BECCA
Again with Arthu
r.
NAT
If I didn’t have God—
BECCA
See? That’s exactly why I don’t go: “If I didn’t have God.”
HOWIE
They’re not all like that. Kevin’s not. Gabby’s not like that.
NAT
It sounds like you’re jealous of their comfort.
BECCA
Yes, I am. Of course I am. How nice they all have something that makes them feel a little better. Like I don’t feel bad enough, I’ve gotta go and have that rubbed in my face?
HOWIE
Nobody’s rub—You’re not being fair.
NAT
I don’t know why you don’t believe in God anyway.
BECCA
(To Howie) You see? Now look where we’re going!
NAT
I brought you to church every Sunday. You used to believe in God.
BECCA
Well I don’t anymore.
NAT
Well you should. What if you’re wrong? What if there is a God?
BECCA
Then I would say he’s a sadistic prick.
IZZY NAT HOWIE
Whoa, hey now ... Becca, please. Aw, jeez ...