NOODLESTOCK! - DOCUMENTARY SHOT ON HI-DEF VIDEO, HANDHELD
EXT. FIELD
Overhead HELICOPTER SHOT of people arriving for music festival from all directions. A stage is set up.
OREN BURG (V.O.)
… it’s gonna be huge. Big. Bigger than Woodstock. It’s gonna make Woodstock look like a backyard barbecue for midgets.
EXT. FIELD
VARIOUS MODERN HIPPY-FOLK arriving with their sleeping bags, coolers, hippy-sticks, and smiles.
SINGERS (O.S.)
Sugar in the haystack
feelin’ so fine
Got a bag full of feelin’s
and some cockleberry wine
Take a bowl of whiskey down to the
water. Put your honey in an ol’ sally
swing. Drop a bag of lemons in a
cornball pea patch.
Tell Old Man Hutch go and love
everything…
INT. PROMOTER’S OFFICE
GRAPHIC, lower third: “Three Months Earlier”
OREN BURG’S office, cluttered, rock posters cover the walls. Oren is a super-hyperactive Bill Graham–type promoter who alternates between smoking a cigarette, a cigar, a pipe, chews tobacco, takes bites of “cigarette pie,” and applies nicotine patches at random throughout his monologue.
OREN BURG
This is gonna be great, this is gonna be big, it’s gonna make Woodstock look like the US Festival. So big that no stadium can hold it. Maybe that’s an idea—get every stadium, join them together, make one big stadium.
FRANK, Oren’s buttoned-down accountant…
FRANK
Oren… that’s going to be usurious, flying stadiums out to…
OREN BURG
Yeah, you’re right. I’m just blue-skyin’. How much would Canada cost us?
FRANK
Uhhh… I don’t have the numbers.
OREN BURG
Yeah, yeah… okay, yeah… how ’bout the Grand Canyon? Get me the Grand Canyon!
(picks up phone)
Grand Canyon?
(improvises)
Frank rolls his eyes…
INT. OFFICE
Frank holds up a rough poster, filled with band names, etc.
OREN BURG
What’s this? What the hell is this?
FRANK
Well, Oren, I got the crew to pull an all-nighter, and we came up with a, well, just look at it…
The poster is written in Peter Max–style lettering. Oren reads it…
OREN
“Noodlestock”… One Farmer’s Field—three days of song… Thirty bands… “Reunited Phish,” “String Cheese Incident,” “Deep Banana Blackout,” “Flibberty Jibbets and Wood,” and headliners… “The Spaghetti Fish Accident” headlining…
Oren grins…
OREN BURG
I like it… it’s big… it’s me… Let’s go find a field.
EXT. RUNDOWN CRAFTSMAN HOUSE
CLOSE ON SIGNS: “Bless This Mess” and “Trespassing Encouraged”
INT. BAND HOUSE
Living room filled with ratty couches, beat-up Victorian furniture, swatches of velvet hanging from walls, Persian rugs. Instruments—bongos, guitars, sitars—and five band members (though you can only see one of them; the others blend in to the couches, etc.—like the girl in Snatch); FLOOD, GYPSY, WHEAT, BARTHOLOMEW, and AMBER. FLOOD holds out the rough poster Oren was looking at in the last scene—
GRAPHIC: Band member names appear as they speak.
FLOOD
I think Oren is on to something. What do you say, gentlemen? Everybody up for a fest?
Rising out of a couch comes… GYPSY.
GYPSY
Yeah, man, I love to noodle…
From inside a sleeping bag on an indoor hammock pops WHEAT.
WHEAT
Yeah… I’m there. All I need are my banana pills and my sleepin’ hat.
From a beanbag chair BARTHOLOMEW emerges.
BARTHOLOMEW
Count me in.
A bathroom door creaks open and AMBER, a super-hippy sitting on the toilet, announces—
AMBER
Hey, I made this thing into a bong.
She holds out some strange appliance rigged with duct tape.
WHEAT
That already was a bong.
AMBER
I guess I re-bonged it, then.
INT. THE FISH HOUSE - LATER
Everybody jams a song… improvised, maybe a drum circle!
EXT. FIELD
An Amish farmer stands by, slightly annoyed, as Oren stomps around his farm, pointing…
OREN BURG
What do you want for this field? What do you want? Batteries? Beard wax? What’ll he take, Frank?
FRANK
Well, Mr. Odlin said his field is not for rent.
OREN BURG
That’s bullshit! Everybody’s got a price! I can’t do deals out here in the sun, it’s killin’ me. Gimme your hat…
Oren grabs the farmer’s hat and puts it on, then storms off. Frank shrugs to the farmer…
INT. STRIP CLUB
Oren is hungrily watching strippers, masturbating offscreen, taking money from Frank to put in g-strings, and talking to the Amish farmer who doesn’t watch the girls or drink.
OREN BURG
This is more like it. This is where deals get made. I like you Gerd, you’re Amish. You got a real Amish-ey quality to you. And I respect your people. I was considerin’ being Amish. When I got out of college. When you’re a kid, you do crazy things. I ended up buyin’ fireworks. I see you, there but for the grace of God, y’know…
Oren looks down at the girl giving him head…
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
Sweetheart, don’t ignore the philberts.
He turns to the Amish Farmer.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
So, we got a deal?
EXT. FIELD
OVERHEAD SHOT - Helicopter
Trucks arriving, stage going up… fairly empty.
GRAPHIC: “Odlin’s Field, 2 Days Til Fest”
EXT. FIELD
WORKERS loading in stages, etc. A TRAILER OFFICE.
INT. TRAILER OFFICE
Oren, Frank, 2 EMPLOYEES, working in this makeshift office.
OREN BURG
(loud, angry)
Give me hard numbers here! I want hard numbers!
FRANK
Well, projections, including payback, out of pocket, merch, food/beverage… approximately five hundred grand.
No reaction from Oren.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Profit.
Still no reaction.
FRANK (CONT’D)
That’s net… after everything. All in—
OREN BURG
(breaks out in big laughs)
Hahaha… That’s funny.
Oren stands up and begins pacing around the conference table, very unnerving, intimidating.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
See I started working to make money. I’m weird that way. Big money. Look, we’re gonna cut costs here. My mom’s sick, she doesn’t have long, and I promised her a space shuttle. Now, I’m getting her that space shuttle!
FRANK
Okay… so…
OREN BURG
Okay, so, let’s make some cuts.
EXT. FIELD
Oren and Frank walk through the backstage area, around ROADIES setting up the stage.
OREN BURG
Two hundred porto-lets?! Two hundred?
FRANK
Well, what else? People can’t just… poop anywhere—
OREN BURG
It’s a fuckin’ farm, numbnuts! You’re supposed to shit on it! That’s where food comes from!
An ASSISTANT comes in with some papers for Oren.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
Bottled water? You know how much those water companies charge for packaging? No! Dig a fucking hole down to the water, pump it up, get a ladle, hook it
to the side of the well, and charge five bucks a scoop! Next.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. SAME, BACKSTAGE
FRANK
… the issue of power.
OREN BURG
The bands gets electricity, don’t worry about the audience—just give them a couple glowsticks. No! Fireflies! Fly in a bunch of fireflies!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TRAILER OFFICE
Oren is checking out the finished poster. Silence as the assembled Employees await his next screaming fit.
OREN BURG
Do we really need thirty bands?
No one knows how to respond to this…
FRANK
Oren… what? It’s a festival. It’s tomorrow, I mean…
OREN BURG
Right, right…
FRANK
You booked it, so…
OREN BURG
Yeah. Yeah, everything’s cool. Everybody go home now to your mommies, I gotta go hold up my end of some BJs.
The Employees exit quickly, happy to be out of here. Frank alone is left with a sneaking suspicion…
EXT. FARMERS FIELD - DAY
HIPPY CONCERTGOERS playing hacky-sack, setting up merchandise tables, laying blankets on the ground.
SUPER: First Day of Festival
INTERVIEW MONTAGE
We meet FIVE YOUNG COLLEGE-AGE GUYS (two wearing “Mt. Tisch University” shirts). They’re not full-on hippies, yet. But getting there. The leader, JAMES, speaks.
JAMES
This is our first fest! We drove twelve hours from Mt. Tisch.
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
But that’s only three hours away.
JAMES
We stopped to pick dingleberries.
OTHER GUY
(holding out juice)
To make juice!
Next we see ORTHUR and JEAN APPLE, middle-aged hippies
ORTHUR
We were at the original Woodstock, met there, had kids, and stayed.
JEAN
We brought apples and cheese to make wine to use as a marinade for our apple/cheese surprise.
Hold on Jean as she considers what she just said.
ORTHUR
Oh… wait…
Then, there’s a woman named CHICKEN—
CHICKEN
(frenetic energy)
I live in a chicken coop, there’s no running water or heat, and I stopped getting government checks three years ago because I broke my ankle doing yoga and I sued the United Nations and then Whoopi Goldberg sent me a letter. Here.
She holds a tattered letter.
Finally we find an older college-age couple, WAYNE and JANIE.
WAYNE
I’m a grad student, studying Middle Earth Poli-Sci. Just wrote a paper on Elves and Trolls, Who Rules the Forest, Spells vs. Incantations, etc. And I just need a break. I guess I kinda dragged her here.
JANIE
Oh it’s cool. I like this kind of music. It’s all about an experience, y’know.
SUPER-WIDE ANGLE SHOT
From high above, a CGI shot of the now-massive audience.
EXT. BACKSTAGE
Oren walks, passing ROADIES and HANGERS-ON. He grins, hits on every chick, grabs drinks and puffs of cigarettes from people’s hands and mouths, and takes his share. A nervous Frank follows.
OREN BURG
Look at this! All right! Give it to me, what are the numbers?
FRANK
We totally oversold.
OREN BURG
Good.
FRANK
We projected four hundred thousand, we’ve got one million, and they’re still showing up.
OREN BURG
Beautiful.
An ASSISTANT whispers to Frank.
FRANK
Oren, one thing, none of the bands are here yet. I mean, the show is supposed to start in half an hour.
OREN BURG
Yeah, no, I took care of it. Look up… here’s my boys now.
A helicopter lands, or has landed, and the BAND MEMBERS jump out and approach, shouting over the whipping blades.
WHEAT
(shouting)
Our helicopter is made entirely of hemp!
(beat)
So’s the pilot!
ANGLE ON: Pilot made of hemp.
CUT TO:
EXT. ONSTAGE
Oren speaks into a feedbacking mic.
OREN BURG
Okay… people, thank you for coming to Noodlestock!
SFX: Massive applause.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
We’re going to do things a little out of order here. Kicking off the festivities will be our headliner, so please welcome “The Spaghetti Fish Accident”!
SFX: Supermassive applause.
Oren leaves the stage.
WHEAT
Let’s jam!
The song starts. A meandering melody.
WHEAT (CONT’D)
Sugar in the haystack
feelin’ so fine
Got a bag full of feelin’s
and some cockleberry wine
Take a bowl of whiskey down to the
water. Put your honey in an ol’ sally
swing. Drop a bag of lemons in a
cornball pea patch.
Tell Old Man Hutch you’re gonna love
everything…
WIDE ANGLE: From the back of the crowd, we see hippy folk enjoying the first strains of this song… and for a moment, all is right with the world.
EXT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
FRANK
They’re the headliners. What’s going on?—They don’t open the show…
OREN BURG
They are the show. If they don’t open it, who will?
FRANK
One of the other twenty-nine bands! I mean, you…
(realizing)
You didn’t book anyone else, did you?
Oren smiles, looks back to the band.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Shit! Shit!
OREN BURG
Enjoy the show, buddy, just enjoy the show.
Oren resumes watching the show, ignoring Frank’s rant…
FRANK
Dammit! Oren! You flake! I can’t… You flakey, greedy… you know you’re going to have to pay somebody sometime!
OREN BURG
(scoffing)
Like who?
FRANK
Like the band! You gotta pay them!
OREN BURG
Yeah, but I’m charging them two hundred grand to use that carpet onstage, that’s twice what I’m paying them for the gig.
FRANK
Dammit. Well, what about publishing?
OREN BURG
Huh?
FRANK
Every time they play a song you have to pay publishing costs!
OREN BURG
Fuck! I didn’t think about that.
FRANK
Aha!
OREN BURG
Don’t you “aha!” me! Nobody “aha”s me!
Frank scoffs.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
You… all right, yeah… how ’bout this, then?
(calling to the band onstage)
Keep playin’!
Wheat is confused. Oren does the “stretch” gesture.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
Same song! Keep playin’ it! They love it!
Wheat nods, first to Oren, then the band, who kick back into the opening chords of the same song.
FRANK
What the hell?
OREN BURG
It’s a jam band, that’s what people want, anyway.
FRANK
(chuckling)
What? You’re gonna have them play one song… for three days?
OREN BURG
Sure. Just give ’em the ol’ stretch signal.
Frank is dumbfo
unded.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
People used to do it to Hitler all the time, why do you think he rambled so much?
Oren shouts over the music to the whole band.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
Same song! Keep playin’ the same song! They love it!
Bartholemew, the band member closest to Oren, leans in to get the lowdown.
OREN BURG (CONT’D)
People are gonna leave if you switch songs on ’em! They’re lovin’ it!
Bartholemew nods. Frank storms off. Oren laughs.
MONTAGE
Time Passage, as the band plays “Sugar in the Haystack” all afternoon and into the evening.
We see The CROWD grooving on it, dancing, taping, smiling.
CUT TO: Our older hippie couple, Orthur and Jean Apple, loving it.
Time passes and The CROWD is less active, some dozing, facing away from stage, playing hacky-sack.
Land on The five College Kids we met earlier.
COLLEGE KID 2
It’s just the same song, man.
JAMES
It’s all right. It’s all right.
COLLEGE KID 3
I like the song, but… I went to the bathroom and came out and it was like déjà vu. Like, how French people feel after they shit.
We meet up with Janie and Wayne. Wayne is loving it, Janie is growing bored, her eyes closing…