KEN
My wife tells me the exact same thing!
TODD
My wife does… too…
They realize how strange this is…
HUTCH
David, whatever you’re saying, it’s just paranoia, man.
DAVID
Oh yeah? Ask yourselves, have you ever had sex with your wives? Ever?
No answer… They look at each other, at the ground…
DAVID (CONT’D)
Have you? Have you…
CUT TO:
EXT. STEPS OF CITY HALL
CLOSE ON: David, loudly ranting—
DAVID (O.C.)
(shouting)
Have any of you ever had sex with your wives? Huh?
DOLLY BACK to reveal David on city hall steps speaking to a small mob of HUSBANDS.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Because it’s a lie, gentlemen! You’re not special! You’re not different from all the other guys in town! You’re being played for suckers!
VOICE IN THE CROWD
Not me!
DAVID
Oh, yeah, answer my question: Have you ever had sex with your wife?!
A couple Husbands raise their hands.
DAVID (CONT’D)
And lap dances don’t count!
All hands go down, except for TODD.
TODD
Um, what if you come in your pants?
DAVID
No!
Todd’s hand goes down.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Ask yourself, have you ever heard of a town with a cover charge?! Jim, haven’t you ever noticed, you have the same wife as Tony. Different wig. Have you ever had your two wives together? No! They’re stringing us along, guys!
Jimmy B. and two GOONS watch from across the street.
JIMMY B.
What the hell is going on?
They take in David for a beat.
DAVID
It’s a lie, gentlemen! A lie! This whole town is a lie!
One of the Goons reaches inside his coat for a gun, but Jimmy stops him, “be cool.”
DAVID (CONT’D)
Listen, we can leave here, find real wives to marry, who would have sex with us!
MONTY
Would they be hot?
DAVID
No, not like these wives, no. But they’d love you, for real, and they’d be pretty… on the inside!
David is losing them…
DAVID (CONT’D)
And it wouldn’t just be about your money! It’d be about who you are as a person!
HUTCH
Wait a second, go back, they’re not as hot?
DEAN
They wouldn’t wear just underwear all the time?
DAVID
No, of course not! They wouldn’t wear underwear all the time! But they’d love you…
KEN
(JIMMY KIMMEL)
Would they dance for us while we watched football?
DAVID
(really angry)
NO!! These would be real, independent women, with their own ideas, and identities, and ambitions!
A long pause, the Husbands mutter amongst themselves.
MONTY
I’m gonna stay here.
DEAN
Yeah, me too.
ANGLE ON: Jimmy B. and Goons, smiling. They nod to each other and head off.
ANGLE ON: David, dumbfounded.
DAVID
What?
The Husbands wander off, chattering…
HUSBANDS CHATTER
It’s okay! / I kinda figured it out a while ago. / Me, too! / I’m cool with it.
David is left on the steps, alone, as the crowd disperses. CRANE SHOT rises as David falls to his knees.
DAVID
(screaming)
Noooooooo!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT, SIDEWALK SEATING
ANGLE ON: A JAMES CAMERON GUY at a table with STUDIO GUY in a sharp suit.
CAMERON
“Nooooooo!”
STUDIO GUY
Great, hero on his knees, all alone. Sounds like you’ve got an ending. Now, let’s hear about the beginning.
CAMERON
Okay, that’s all I’ve got on that one… an ending.
STUDIO GUY
Mm. All right, well, you’re the master. Everyone at the studio is so happy with your work. I mean, your last movie was truly a titanic success, we just think you’re the king of the world, and we want whatever you got next.
CAMERON
I got nothin’.
STUDIO GUY
Fine, we’re in.
A beat. Their food arrives.
STUDIO GUY (CONT’D)
Seriously, though, maybe we can brainstorm, you know, while we eat.
Cameron nods.
ANGLE ON: Bob and David being seated behind James Cameron as they are handed menus.
BOB
Wow, this place is nice.
DAVID
Oh, Bob, this is the hot place to eat-and-be-seen-eating in La-La-Land.
BOB
Wow, look at all these stupid showbiz assholes.
A glimpse of various Hollywood shmoozer couples. Don Simpson/Jennifer Garner pair. Courtney Love/Gay hairdresser, etc.
DAVID
Yeah, it’s pretty cool, huh?
BOB
Yeah.
Bob takes out a pen to write on a napkin.
BOB (CONT’D)
Okay, so… what’s our concept?
DAVID
Huh?
BOB
For our movie. The lady said we had to get a concept for the film, remember?
DAVID
(distractedly reading menu)
A twenty-dollar hot dog?
ANGLE ON: David’s menu, one item: “Le Hot Dog… 20 dollars”
ANGLE ON: Bob, mulling David’s statement.
BOB
Hm. A movie about a twenty-dollar hot dog? Okay, okay, that’d be like “In a world turned upside down, where hot dogs are twenty dollars…”
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy slurping soup, a thoughtful look on his face.
CAMERON
I think I’ve got something. For the new movie. Just came to me.
STUDIO GUY
I’m listening.
CAMERON
Upside-down world. If the world turned upside down.
STUDIO GUY
The whole world? That would be inside-out, then, right?
CAMERON
(dismayed)
Oh. Yeah. Never mind.
ANGLE ON: Bob and David.
BOB
“… one man fights for the last hot dog!”
David looks up from his menu.
DAVID
What?
BOB
I was riffing on your hot dog idea.
DAVID
No, no, they have a hot dog, on the menu, for twenty dollars. A New York–style hot dog.
BOB
Oh. New York–style? Cool.
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.
CAMERON
Okay… okay… got a cool idea. What if it’s just New York? Upside-down New York!
STUDIO GUY
Huh?
CAMERON
Yeah, yeah… some kind of gravitational flux causes the city to flip, and people are fighting for… CEILING SPACE!
STUDIO GUY
It’s great. That’s a great title.
The Studio Guy excitedly takes notes.
CAMERON
Better one: New York, York New!
STUDIO GUY
Now we got two!
ANGLE ON: Bob and David, ordering from the waiter…
BOB
… and I’ll take the ten-dollar oatmeal bucket.
Waiter takes their menus.
Dude, let’s totally do an underground movie, with real street cred, ’cause all these big bombs
just make me mad, man.
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.
CAMERON
Okay… how about this, a madman is dropping bombs, big bombs, on the streets, and people have to go underground to save themselves…?
STUDIO GUY
Yeah, yeah…
ANGLE ON: Bob and David eating massive hot dogs. Bob talks through a mouthful of food.
BOB
… so, you know, I told you about my favorite shirt, right?
DAVID
That ancient blue thing?
BOB
Yeah. I lost a button on it, and I’m like so pissed. If I don’t find that button it’s over, the end of the world, for that shirt.
DAVID
Damn.
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.
CAMERON
Yeah… yeah, so they have to find this ancient button, and press it, to reverse gravity, or it’s the end of the world.
STUDIO GUY
Great! This is great stuff!
ANGLE ON: David and Bob finishing their hot dogs.
DAVID
Yeah… so last night the Angels game was on, also the Devils were playing, so it was like the ultimate battle with my roommate for the remote control.
BOB
That dick? He acts like he’s the last guy on earth.
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.
CAMERON
… and so then, our hero, “Dick”… the last man on earth, has to battle Angels… and Devils in a remote—
ANGLE ON: Bob and David.
BOB
Too bad you can’t change the setting on your remote to “stun.”
David laughs at this lame joke.
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.
CAMERON
… a remote… set-ting.
ANGLE ON: Bob and David have finished their hot dogs/oatmeal buckets.
DAVID
Great oatmeal. How much is this gonna cost?
ANGLE ON: Studio Guy.
STUDIO GUY
Wait a second, what’s the price tag on this thing?
ANGLE ON: Bob, slurping the last bit of oatmeal.
BOB
Let’s see that bill.
Bob looks at it…
BOB (CONT’D)
Ninety-one dollars?
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy.
CAMERON
I don’t know, upside-down New York… 91 million?
STUDIO GUY
(taken aback)
Ahhh… I don’t know. It’s a bit pricey.
ANGLE ON: Bob Guy feels bad about the bill.
BOB
I don’t know…
DAVID
No, man, you’re holding it upside down.
Bob flips it over and is pleasantly surprised.
BOB
Got it—
ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy.
CAMERON
I got it! Turn the camera upside down. Shoot it in New York.
STUDIO GUY
That we can do!
ANGLE ON: Bob, looking at the bill right side up now.
BOB
That’s much better.
DAVID
Cool. You pay, I gotta go take a dump.
BOB
That’s great to hear. I’ll spread the word!
ANGLE ON: Studio Guy to Cameron, excitedly—
STUDIO GUY
Great. I can’t wait to tell the world about your next piece of shit… oops!
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.
Bob and David walking down the street.
BOB
Well, we still need a concept for our movie.
DAVID
Yeah.
BOB
Okay, so, like what are your favorite films? Name a few.
DAVID
It’s hard to say… I’ve still never seen a movie.
BOB
Well, there’s our problem right there. We should see a movie.
A WOMAN approaches with a clipboard that reads “Free movie tickets.”
WOMAN
Free movie tickets! Would you like to see a screening of a new movie?
DAVID
Check it out. Our prayers are answered.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE - CONTINUOUS
Bob and David enter the screening and find seats in the back. An energetic, overly cheerful TESTER gets everyone’s attention at the front of the theatre.
TESTER
Okay, everybody in? Come down to the front.
Bob and David remain in the back.
TESTER (CONT’D)
We’re going to show you some scenes from a new film, a work in progress. Then we’ll have a free-form discussion. And afterwards, there is free pizza, as promised. Just to make sure, you’re all boys between the ages of thirteen and eighteen, right?
They are all teenage boys, wearing rock T-shirts, looking like slobs and a little awkward.
TESTER (CONT’D)
Great, we really think you’ll enjoy this, because it’s a movie about stock car racing.
ANGLE ON: The boys are excited, a few high fives.
TESTER (CONT’D)
Its working title is Raging Racers.
Theatre goes dark as we see on the screen:
Title: “Clips from ‘Raging Racers’ ” (NOTE: THIS FILM IS A PARODY/HOMAGE TO BAZ LUHRMANN, LIKE MOULIN ROUGE, SO PICTURE IT THAT WAY, SATURATED COLORS, OVERBLOWN EVERYTHING.)
EXT. TRAILER PARK
Wide shot of nastiest, rusted-out trailer home. A beater car is parked in front, we can faintly see a phantom of a number on the hood of the beater, like it’s been raced in a demolition derby. A scraggly dog bellows sadly.
SFX: In a circle in the corner of the screen, a greasy looking PIT CREW CHIEF addresses us.
PIT CREW CHIEF
This here’s the story of Danni Maqueef, the greatest car racer the South has ever seen.
Intense POST-EFFECT push-in through trailer-home window…
INT. TRAILER HOME
A cluttered, threadbare home. DANNI, a six-year old girl with pigtails, each tied with ribbons, one blue, one pink, kneels on the gross shag carpeting playing with Matchbox cars.
SFX: Real racetrack sounds.
PIT CREW CHIEF
There’s Danni, right now she’s just a kid. That’s right, she. It’s Danni with an “I.” Uh-oh, here comes her father, the widower “Stumpy” Haskins.
SWISH PAN to the door violently swinging open. Quick push in on “STUMPY.” He is drunk, has stump legs (Dorf on Golf), with garish Moulin Rouge–style makeup, and waves a bottle of Mad Dog.
STUMPY
(yelling) Danni! Where the hell’s the who what for?
The DOG on the bottle of wine comes to life and barks.
MAD DOG
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Stumpy barks back at it, scaring it.
STUMPY
Graarrff!!
(sees Danni playing with cars)
Goddammit. Put those cars away! You’re a girl! You should be doing girl things!
Danni breaks into tears.
DANNI
If girls can’t race, then I don’t wanna be a girl!
Animated question marks appear over Stumpy’s head accompanied by bubbly sounds.
STUMPY
What are you saying?
DANNI
I’m gonna cut my hair!
She runs down the hall. HANDHELD CAMERA runs backward with her, into the bathroom, and the door slams shut before Stumpy can get a foot in it.
INT. BATHROOM
Danni looks in the mirror where a racing card of Giles “Studs” Manly Sr. comes to life and tells her…
STUDS MANLEY
Follow your dreams!
She picks up a pair of scissors and cuts off her pigtails. Stumpy bangs on the door.
STUMPY (O.C.)
Don’t you cut your pigtails, young lady!
His head burs
ts through and the camera swirls up and into his sputtering mouth.
STUMPY (CONT’D) (O.C.)
You’ll never be a racing person or fall in loooooooove!
She tosses her pigtails into the toilet and flushes. The toilet flush handle ignites the sound of…
SFX: A Drag Racer Engine…
As the colorful pigtails swirl around in the water, they transform into…
EXT. RACETRACK, OVERHEAD SHOT
A bright BLUE RACE CAR and a BRIGHT YELLOW CAR zipping around the track.
Graphic: “TWENTY YEARS LATER”
Camera ZOOMS down (post-effect) into frontage of dusty racetrack… according to the weatherbeaten sign (with colorful balloon-letters) it’s the “Camptown Racetrack (5 Miles Long)”
As the camera dollies past happy workers in colorful jumpsuits, a song begins…
All colors are oversaturated. Shooting is filled with Dutch angles, quick cuts, maniacal laughter, and other Moulin Rouge b.s.
PIT CREW DANCERS
(herky jerky melody)
Camptown racers sing this song,
Doo Dah, Doo Dah.
Camptown racetrack five miles long
Oh the doo dah day.