With that, Bob’s Dad clutches his heart and immediately collapses to the floor… The Plant Manager looks at the chocolate watch and checks the dad’s pulse.
PLANT MANAGER
He’s dead.
(to Bob)
You start next week.
The Plant Manager takes a bite of the chocolate watch. Bob is sad.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MODERN SCIENCE LAB
This is the Walsh Institute. A sign in the foreground reads:
“The Walsh Institute. Where the present and the future meet. And make love.”
DR. WALSH (V.O.)
Gentlemen, ma’am, welcome to the Walsh Institute.
CUT TO:
INT. MODERN SCIENCE LAB
Mr. Hartnut, Chet, Todd, Ron, and Jane are being led by DR. WALSH, a scientist, through some labs. The first is typical, with a SCIENTIST looking through a microscope.
DR. WALSH
As you can see, in this lab we’re doing biospectral viral research, developing colorful new diseases… now step this way.
In the next lab, a SCIENTIST oversees FIVE SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD LABORERS who sit on the floor, toiling away.
DR. WALSH (CONT’D)
We’re nearing the edge of the cutting edge of sneaker technology. If you’ll step through here…
They enter another lab where a PATIENT is having his face operated on by TWO DOCTORS in surgical scrubs. A HUMAN FACE floats in a jar next to him.
DR. WALSH (CONT’D)
This is nothing, just doing a routine face switching. But in here…
Dr. Walsh flashes a security badge to an ARMED GUARD who opens a “Top Security” door. The group enters a pristine lab. On one wall is a curtain.
DR. WALSH (CONT’D)
… is what Mr. Hartnut has been dreaming of for years. Prepare to be amazed.
Dr. Walsh opens the curtain, revealing a glass display area. In the display a small four-dimensional globe floats in the air about eye level. The globe looks like a mini-Earth, with green and blue areas. But it’s somehow a bit different. Amazed reactions from the EXECUTIVES.
DR. WALSH (CONT’D)
What you see before you is a miniature planet. It has its own atmosphere. It supports life… And it was built in this laboratory.
CLOSE on HARTNUT’S face reflected in the glass.
MR. HARTNUT
Gentlemen, Glen Meadow Estates will be the first, private, planned, gated planet. One-third the size of Earth.
CHET
What’s it made of?
DR. WALSH
The infrastructure is a metal gridwork, but the primary material, the bulk of it, is dirt.
ROD
Dirt? From where?
Dr. Walsh uses a diagram.
DR. WALSH
Earth. Pure Earth dirt. Or simply, “earth.” We’ve been stockpiling for some time, digging holes and hollowing in a wide circle. Everything remains fine on the surface. It’s a process called “undermining.”
The Execs react with amazement, awe, some concern; this is a big deal.
DR. WALSH (CONT’D)
It weakens the earth’s crust, but it’s for a good cause.
RON
Holy frack.
HARTNUT
Glen Meadow Estates will have a controlled climate, private security, a 3,019-hole golf course, the real Lake Tahoe, the real Eiffel Tower, real Niagara Falls, all within thirty miles of each other. All the best, for those who can afford it.
JANE
(realizing)
A better world for better people.
Everyone is in awe. A BEAT, then… Mr. Hartnut accidentally cuts a small fart.
MR. HARTNUT
I’m sorry, I’m just very proud.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLE - ANYWHERE
A large industrial tube is sucking up dirt out of a small hole. We hear a whistle.
FOREMAN
Okay, that’s all we’re getting out of this one. Haul her out!
We hear the familiar “beeps” of a truck backing up. It is loaded with dirt and pulls away from the hole. On its side is a Globo-Chem logo. Another crew swoops in behind the truck and puts up security tape and metal barriers like we saw in Branson.
CUT TO:
EXT. L.A. WHITE HOUSE POOL
David and COREY FELDMAN sip Bloody Marys poolside. David wears a terry-cloth robe, Corey has his trademark sunglasses and black fedora.
DAVID
So Corey, you got a part for the prez in Car Wash Academy II?
COREY
Oh, bro, I got you hooked up.
DAVID
All right.
COREY
Hey, you talkin’ to “the Feldman,” beeyatch.
A BUTLER enters with papers.
BUTLER
The morning papers, sir.
Corey takes The Hollywood Reporter, David takes Dramalogue. The cover has a picture of David on it, with the headline, “The Prez’s Improv Background.”
DAVID
Got to keep up on the news.
BUTLER
And sir? Here are your scripts for tomorrow’s press conference. I’ve had the big words spelled out phonetically.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHITTY MALL
Establishing.
INT. SHITTY MALL - BATHROOM
Sounds of shoppers and muzak. Bob is dressed to perform in the Pit Pat mascot costume. He looks in the mirror, adjusts the head. It’s “showtime.” He walks out the door.
SHITTY MALL FOOD COURT
SFX: Cheesy music
Bob as Pit Pat, dances around on a raised platform in the center of the MALL. No one pays attention. A sign by the stage reads: “A visit from Sergeant Manners from 1:00 to 2:00 - 2:00 to 3:00 Pit Pat - 3:00 to 4:00 The Button Doctor.”
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
Todd, Jane, and Ron are working. A bank of TV monitors has the news on it. Jane draws everyone’s attention to a news report.
JANE
Hey, shhh. Everybody, you should see this.
A female ANCHORETTE, SUSAN, reads the news. She sits at a National News Desk. The graphic in the upper third reads: “More Cave-Ins.”
SUSAN
Good evening. A poverty leak in India threatens millions, and in the Midwest more unexplained cave-ins leave thirty-two people homeless. Here with that story is Pompeyo Duarte.
CUT TO:
TV NEWS REPORT
EXT. BY A COLLAPSED HOME IN A HOLE
A very ethnic-looking reporter, POMPEYO (DAVID), speaks. He does not speak English very well and struggles with the language throughout.
POMPEYO
Yes, okay, I stand at a hole which… fall open. Eh, eh, two o’clock in afternoon. Many people hurt, surprised, frightened. You see emergency people working can you.
ANGLE ON: Emergency crew helping distraught people.
POMPEYO (CONT’D)
It very tragic, sad, sad. Susan?
SUSAN
Pompeyo?
POMPEYO
Yes?
SUSAN
These mysterious collapses seem to be occurring with greater frequency, with the causes still unknown. Do you have any idea what might have caused this particular one?
POMPEYO
Yes, yes, yes, okay, yes.
BEAT.
SUSAN
Yes, you do?
POMPEYO
Yes, there has been others.
SUSAN
Right, but what might be the source?
POMPEYO
I’m sorry… sauce…
SUSAN
Oh.
(to camera)
It seems like we’re having technical difficulties with our audio, we’ll rejoin Pompeyo…
POMPEYO
No! No technical difficulties. I hear you fine. But this word, this “sauce,” saorse, I don’t know…
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
The Execs watching this report on TV
are concerned.
INT. WHITE HOUSE
Yet another party in progress. David, in a loose jogging suit and sunglasses, sits with giddy PORN STARS and PAULY SHORE.
DAVID
Hey, you douches want any more sushi?
They all do. FOUR CHINESE DIPLOMATS enter, accompanied by a Chinese INTERPRETER.
INTERPRETER
Mr. President, The Trade Leader of China wish to offer their respects.
DAVID
It’s all good.
INTERPRETER
This is Minister Chong Li Quang…
DAVID
Cool, cool… Ah so, Mr. Chong. This is Tisha St. Rue, Selena Lacroix, Beef Thomson, Brittany Lee, Jaqui Oasis, and Pauly Shore.
QUANG
(Chinese)
INTERPRETER
Minister Quang says, “You will see, Chinese prisoners will make superior golf equipment.”
David just stares at him, then David and the Porn Stars and Pauly Shore all laugh—
DAVID
That shit’s hilarious. Talk like that again!
An AIDE runs up to David, handing him a script.
AIDE
Mr. President, sir. There’s been an emergency, you have to go on television and read this.
CUT TO:
INT. OVAL OFFICE
It is lit for a broadcast. Someone is applying the finishing touches to David’s makeup.
FLOOR DIRECTOR (O.S.)
On in… 5… 4… 3… 2…
DAVID
My fellow Americans, hi. It’s me David, I’m the president. It is with the deepest of hearts that I regretfully inform you that at 6:14 Eastern Standard Time, the state of Indiana collapsed and caved in, causing untold injuries, fatalities, and horrific loss of property. Firstly, I would like to reassure the citizens of the United States that the Indiana Pacers, the Colts, and all professional and collegiate sports teams will continue to play their schedules. We don’t know the cause of this tragedy, but the FBI and the CIA are doing things. I can’t go into it because…
David nods in an off-camera direction, suggesting that there’s somebody in the room that he can’t talk in front of.
DAVID (CONT’D)
But rest assured, American Pride Goodie Bags are being flown in, and will be distributed. Thank you, may God continue to bless America, and now, more TV.
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
Scientist Walsh is holding some soil in his hand, pours it into a container. The EXECUTIVES burst in.
TODD
Dr. Walsh, these cave-ins are getting worse.
JANE
Can’t we put something in the holes, to fill it in?
DR. WALSH
Yes, yes. The best thing I can devise is this foam. It hardens, and can support as much weight as dirt.
TODD
Oh. Great.
They seem relieved. Then…
RON
Why don’t we just build our new planet out of that foam?
DR. WALSH
Well, it’s poisonous.
No reaction.
RON
Also it costs more than dirt.
ALL
Ahhhh.
BEAT.
RON
What’s the main ingredient?
DR. WALSH
Poison foam.
Execs nod. We PAN across the room and out the window. Hartnut is in the courtyard again, wearing the Pit Pat outfit, thinking.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
Earth is floating beautifully in the distance. The Space Shuttle enters the picture and slows to a halt. We hear the conversation of the shuttle crew.
SHUTTLE CAPTAIN (V.O.)
Shuttle Two in position.
COMMAND CENTER (V.O.)
Unload cargo.
Shuttle doors open and a large, somewhat loose, pile of dirt floats out.
Camera pans as the dirt drifts over to “land” amongst other dirt that is collecting, somehow, on a gigantic metal frame floating in space, being welded as we speak by lots of floating astronaut welders.
EXT. OBSERVATORY
SUPER GRAPHIC: “FjslKrank Observatory, Finland”
INT. OBSERVATORY
TWO serious FINNISH SCIENTISTS take turns peering through the telescope and exchange excited Finnish reactions… which are SUBTITLED.
FINNISH SCIENTIST #1
Jogel! Come quick! This is freakin’ my ass out!
FINNISH SCIENTIST #2
Aye Carumba!
INT. SENATE FLOOR
We see the Senate floor filled with Congressmen. A MALE and FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR are blue-screened over the scene.
MALE ANCHOR
Good evening. Tonight is the first State of the Union address of President David’s first term.
FEMALE ANCHOR
A tumultuous first one hundred days.
MALE ANCHOR
Yes. One filled with controversial new ideas: moving the White House, selling public lands, three new holidays, including Fox News Day.
FEMALE ANCHOR
He’s been busy. And he promises some surprises tonight.
MALE ANCHOR
FEMALE ANCHOR
I believe he’s about to enter.
Audio of Senate chamber.
The lights go out and are replaced by swinging spotlights.
SFX: Space Age Sounds.
The Announcer’s Voice changes to that of a BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER.
BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, your President of the United States, David!
MUSIC: Gary Glitter’s “Rock n’ Roll Pt. 2” plays in the room
David enters, high-fiving reluctant SENATORS all the way up the aisle. David arrives at the podium.
MUSIC: Changes to ethereal magic special music
David begins setting up a Chinese box.
DAVID
(shouting over the music)
Ladies and gentlemen. Citizens! For years the mysteries of the Orient have been precious and few. One such mystery is the mystery of the vanishing peacock. Known for its amazing plumes, it’s almost impossibly beautiful.
David opens a side of the box and reveals a beautiful PEACOCK.
MUSIC: Sting
DAVID (CONT’D)
But as amazing as a peacock may be to see, they are even more amazing to see… disappear.
In a flurry of motion, David shuts the box, drapes a cloth over it, taps it, and the box collapses. David pulls the cloth up, revealing nothing!
MUSIC: Crescendoes
There is silence from the congressmen. The lights return to normal. David, unfazed by the lack of reaction, begins his speech.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Thanks, I’ve been really getting into magic. All right, all right. Wha’s up, D.C.?
David holds for a response that doesn’t come.
DAVID (CONT’D)
All right, psyched to be here. For my next trick I need a volunteer. Is there a pretty senator from Colorado in the hizzouse? Come on, what do ya say? Dianne?
Congressman are humfering and fumfering, not sounding pleased.
CONGRESSMEN
Boo!
DAVID
Come on, who’s brave? Let’s get some encouragement going for a volunteer.
The boos become louder as more people join in.
DAVID (CONT’D)
(pointing)
You sir, you look like a sport, huh?
ANGLE ON: OLD, STODGY POLITICIAN CUPS HIS HANDS AND YELLS OUT.
POLITICIAN
You suck!
The boos become deafening. People are yelling out all kinds of nasty things. David reacts over announcers.
MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)
Wow, I’ve never seen this.
FEMALE ANCHOR (O.S.)
They’re really tu
rning on him.
DAVID
(making the “pouty” fish face, as he is about to start crying)
What’s going on? I thought you liked me? You guys are being real jerks.
MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)
The President is really getting emotional.
David starts to walk offstage. Pens and cups are thrown at him. His walk quickly turns into a run.
FEMALE ANCHOR (O.S.)
And is he… yes, he is running away.
MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)
I’ve never seen Congress make a president cry before.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE - NEXT DAY
The party is over. David sits at his table, but the room is empty. Just Corey Feldman and TWO PORN STARS, with TWO ROCK GUYS passed out. David is distraught.
DAVID
Where is everybody? I should never have made that dumb speech.
COREY
Hey man, you were great.
PORN STAR
Yeah.
DAVID
You think so?
Corey and the Porn Star agree.
PORN STAR
People who heard the speech on the radio were completely fooled by that magic trick.
DAVID
That’s cool. You guys are my real friends…