Uh-huh. Have ’em ready to go in ten. Minutes.
Bob and David cast a withering look at the gleeful Dino.
EXT. BRANSON
Bob and David walk through the streets of Branson, passing numerous sinkholes that are surrounded by police tape and blinking metal barriers.
BOB
Man, how am I going to tell my parents I was fired from a show they didn’t believe I was in!
David is getting emotional, we can tell by his snuffling.
BOB (CONT’D)
Uh oh…
David’s tearful snuffling builds.
BOB (CONT’D)
Don’t cry, David. Don’t… it’s embarrassing…
David can’t help himself. He starts bawling and he sounds JUST LIKE A BABY! Overdubbed with a real baby’s cry.
BOB (CONT’D)
Sh… David… come here… come on…
Bob takes David aside, away from any onlookers to help him get it together.
BOB (CONT’D)
David, stop. Come on… is this about getting fired?
David nods.
BOB (CONT’D)
David, we’re not done, okay? I mean, remember the coattail theory?
David does not.
BOB (CONT’D)
Well, it’s this, when a performer goes into show business they are wearing a very small coat. It has no tails. It’s like a light windbreaker. But as they get more famous that coat grows warmer and begins to grow tails, like a sea-fish. Well, we’re a team, and that means we have three coats—yours, mine, and the team coat. If you get more famous than I do, then I pull on your tails to yank myself up, if I get more famous than you, then you clamber up my tail, and if we both get famous we chop that tail off and fuck everyone else. Okay?
David nods, feeling all better. They begin walking.
BOB (CONT’D)
Great. Look around you. What do you see?
We see what David sees: a bleak country town, mostly boarded up, with a lot of sinkholes. Although they look as if maybe they were dug into the earth.
DAVID
A bunch of holes full of nothing!
BOB
Those aren’t holes, David! They’re opportunities for success! Who knows? You could fall into one of those holes and come out on top of the world!
DAVID
In China?
BOB
No, in America. Success can come from anywhere at any time.
DAVID
I guess… as long as there’s a TV camera nearby.
BOB
That’s the spirit. Come on, I’ll buy you a beer slushy.
David smiles and the two walk on down the street bustling with performers and tourists.
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
RON and JANE are looking out the window.
JANE
What could Mr. Hartnut be planning?
RON
The man’s a genius. He does his best thinking in that suit.
They are looking down at the Atrium outdoor area where someone is walking around in a big powder-blue suit, like a team mascot wears.
EXT. ATRIUM - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Hartnut in the PIT PAT MASCOT COSTUME is pacing, brooding, and occasionally scratching his furry big head. We continue to hear Ron and Jane’s conversation.
RON (V.O.)
He says he can get away from everything in there. No noise, no distractions.
JANE (V.O.)
And people like him when he’s wearing it. Strangers wave to him.
A STRANGER in the quad area, eating lunch, looks up at the big blue mascot and waves awkwardly. Pit Pat waves back.
RON (V.O.)
God, it must stink in there.
EXT. BAR
A local bar in Branson. The sign says, “Rick’s Bar—Bringing Actors and Drinks Together for over Ten Years.”
INT. RICK’S BAR
There are a BUNCH OF ACTOR TYPES drinking. Some of them wear funny patriotic outfits, some look like famous historical figures.
JOSEPH CATALANANO is a mustached, pompous actor in Eleanor Roosevelt drag.
TRILL is an impossibly upbeat, swishy fellow of indeterminate age, with freckles and a quiff, wearing a varsity jersey. DRAKE is a fat, slovenly fellow who looks sort of like an Osmond brother.
OVERTON, the friendly bartender, takes note as Bob and David enter.
OVERTON
Hey everybody, it’s Bob and David.
Everybody in the bar responds with hearty hellos—
BOB AND DAVID
Hey. Hey Stu, Pete, Jenny. Hi, Trill.
OVERTON
What’s up, guys? It’s only six o’clock. Don’t you have seven more shows tonight?
BOB
No.
DAVID
Yeah, we quit.
People nod… they’re used to this.
BOB
What about you, Trill?
TRILL
(pompous)
Oh, I quit my show, too. From now on I’m just going to direct major feature films.
BOB
Sure, why not? Mr. Catalanano, did you quit, too?
Mr. Catalanano sadly nods.
BOB (CONT’D)
What about your one man show about “Eleanor Roosevelt”?
JOSEPH
(actorly, overly grand)
Yes, the role was beginning to overtake me, so I, too, as well, and also, vacated my employ.
Bob and David doubt his story.
BOB
Drake, aren’t you performing One Bad Apple your solo tribute to the Osmond family tonight?
DRAKE
No, I was replaced.
DAVID
That’s impossible! Who looks more like an Osmond than you?!
We see DRAKE up close, he looks like an Osmond who melted.
DRAKE
Apparently a mechanical bear does.
Bob and David shake their heads.
DRAKE (CONT’D)
They said no one would know the difference.
BOB
We were replaced by mechanical bears, too.
TRILL
Me three.
JOSEPH
Myself, as well, also, too.
Overton leans over the bar, speaking assuredly. People share skeptical looks during his speech.
OVERTON
It’s all a part of the plan, gentlemen. “Operation Dwindlestick.” First you replace the actors with mechanical bears, then you replace the audience with mechanical bears, then you replace the mechanical bears with mechanical apes because what the hell do mechanical bears know!
BOB
So then you just have a bunch of mechanical bears performing for mechanical apes?
OVERTON
(scoffs)
Do the math. Eat the worm.
This is making a lot of sense to the assembled dopes.
DAVID
What’s the endgame? Who does it benefit?
OVERTON
It’s all a sideshow, don’t you see? A distraction from the real swindle. What do you think those holes outside are about? You see any dirt piles by those holes? The president’s going to live underground within two years. They got a water-powered car and plans to build a golf course on the moon.
The assembled audience of dim-bulbs is still with him, but he takes it a step too far—
OVERTON (CONT’D)
Oh, and the biggest scam of them all?… Porn stars use fake names.
The mob reacts with shock and skepticism, shaking heads, rolling eyes. Bob expresses their shared thought—
BOB
You’re nuts.
OVERTON
Yeah, I’m nuts. Big Brother is laughin’, boys and girls, and you’re getting your news from Jay Leno.
BOB
Well, Jay’s funny.
DAVID
Yeah… so… we’re laughing, too.
BOB
So everyone’s laughing. That’s good, rig
ht?
Overton shakes his head and walks away.
JOSEPH
Say, has anyone heard if that talent agent stopped by? I think he was in my show… I heard someone coughing.
DRAKE
That was me. My doctor said I’m allergic to dust… and female impersonators.
MUSIC: Foreboding score plays under next two scenes
DISS. TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Hartnut (still in the Pit-Pat costume) stands at the head of the conference table, JANE and RON and OTHER EXECS are gathered around, quietly awaiting some order.
Hartnut dramatically removes the Pit-Pat mascot head, revealing his own face. He has been sweating and his hair is matted and greasy. A housefly buzzes out from under the mascot head. Ron and Jane share a queasy look.
RON
What is it, Mr. Hartnut?
HARTNUT
Rocket fuel.
JANE
What about rocket fuel, sir?
HARTNUT
We need some.
RON
How much?
HARTNUT
TWENTY-EIGHT STORIES’ WORTH.
Ron and Jane look to each other, confused, OFF THIS WE
DISS. TO:
INT. BRANSON CHAIN HOTEL - “THE YE’OLD BESTE TOWNE INNE HOTEL”
LINDA, CHANCE’S ASSISTANT is checking them in. CHANCE looks on with contempt at a FAT TOURIST KID standing nearby sloppily eating a churro.
DISS. TO:
EXT. BAR
Everyone is saying good-bye, dispersing. Bob and David are last.
BOB
Bye, Mr. Catalanano. Bye, Trill.
TRILL
Bye, Bob and David. Remember, tomorrow’s another day…
DAVID
Thanks, T.
Bob and David hesitate, this is a make-or-break moment.
BOB
Well, this is it, I guess.
DAVID
The tip-top of the mip-mop?
BOB
No, the end. Of us.
DAVID
Why?
BOB
Well, we got fired. I mean, I figure you want to go pursue your dreams of becoming a junkie and having a reality show about you.
DAVID
Yeah, I guess. And you’ll probably join that cult and have that reality show about you.
BOB
Yeah. Hey…
David stops, Bob stares at him.
DAVID
What?
Emotionally—
BOB
Good luck with your reality show.
DAVID
Thanks. And Bob…
BOB
What?
(beat)
What do you want to tell me? You can say it, you can say anything…
DAVID
It’s just, well… Good luck.
BOB
With what?
DAVID
Your reality show.
BOB
Oh, thanks. Thanks, David. That means a lot coming from you.
They resume their walk and David immediately falls into a hole, but Bob doesn’t see this… he just keeps walking and talking…
BOB (CONT’D)
Seeing as how you’ll have a reality show, too, and we might be up against each other someday, same time slot and all… that’s really big of you, David.
(beat)
David?
Bob looks around, no David…
BOB (CONT’D)
David?
Suddenly Bob hears David’s baby cry. He walks back, until he finds the hole David fell in and hears the baby cry coming out of it.
BOB (CONT’D)
David?
DAVID (V.O.)
Down here!
BOB
I… hey… I’ll get help.
DAVID
’K. I’ll just sit here, quietly.
Bob runs for help, but suddenly stops. His mind is suddenly reeling… on fire with an idea!
BOB
Uh… wait, no… don’t do that. Cry, David. Cry like a baby. Cry like the biggest baby you ever were in your life! I got an idea!
David starts baby-bawling.
BOB (CONT’D)
(to himself)
This is gonna make that Lindbergh baby look like an idiot!
CUT TO:
A LOCAL NEWS SHOW OPENING MONTAGE - THAT NIGHT
MUSIC: Local TV news theme
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You’re watching Channel Three local news. Here’s Carl Trundle with the day’s events…
CARL is a typical middle-aged local news guy. Straight delivery…
CARL
Good evening. Our top stories: Fudge Season officially begins tomorrow night at sundown. We’ll have a full report later, but first, the story that has captivated our town today; the little baby girl trapped in a hole and the courageous young man who reported it to an emergency operator this evening. On the scene is our own Lisa Dunnandan. Lisa?
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLE - NIGHT
The area is lit with emergency lighting. PEOPLE and EMERGENCY WORKERS are gathered.
LISA
Carl, rescue crews are trying desperately to free the little girl who you can hear crying down in the hole. Listen…
She holds the microphone out, we hear what sounds like a very young child or even a baby, crying.
LISA (CONT’D)
It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. Thank God for the young man whose quick thinking may save her, Mr. Bob Ofenklerp.
Bob is wrapped in a blanket, shivering, and sipping hot cocoa. The small crowd listens respectfully when he talks.
BOB
Hi, good to be here. How’s everybody doin’?
LISA
Bob, what did you think when you heard the sound of this baby crying?
BOB
I knew that this was a true tragedy that should be televised. This is very hard for me. Please ask me another question.
LISA
Now we have a recording of the phone call you made only minutes ago. Let’s listen to that now…
SUPER LOWER THIRD: SUBTITLES OF THE PHONE CALL AND A PICTURE OF A TELEPHONE.
SUPER: “HERO’S PHONE CALL”
OPERATOR (V.O.)
9-1-1, my name is Shawntel, I’ll be your emergency representative. Anything you need today, just ask for Shawntel.
BOB (V.O.)
Oh my God, terrible trouble.
OPERATOR (V.O.)
Well, you called the right place, sir. We’ve been helping people for over thirty years. R U in trouble? 9-1-1 is on the double.
BOB (V.O.)
Listen, sir.
OPERATOR (V.O.)
Please, call me Shawntel.
BOB (V.O.)
Uh, all right Shawntel. It sounds like a baby is trapped in a hole. You’ve got to get a TV crew here as soon as possible. Oh my God.
OPERATOR (V.O.)
Well, I will see what I can do for you. Are you in the market for some speakers?
Lose subtitles and photos, full on Lisa and Bob at the scene.
LISA
Bob, some people are calling you a hero for what you’ve done. What do you say?
BOB
I’d like to say that I’m no hero, I’m just an American…
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP ON A TV IN A HOTEL ROOM
As Bob makes his patriotic speech on the TV, we slowly reveal that Chance and LINDA, his assistant, are in this hotel room, fucking.
BOB (ON TV) (CONT’D)
(referring to the crowd assembled around him)
Just like you, and you, and all of you watching on TV.
Linda notices Bob on TV, she stops riding chance.
LINDA
Wait, Chance, you should see this…
Chance looks at the TV. They both grow intrig
ued by Bob’s speech.
BOB
Frankly, I’m just a regular fellow. I can’t stop caring, and I can’t stop trying, and I can’t stop leading. It’s simple; I can’t stop being an American. Hooray for America!
The crowd around Bob cheers, pats him on the back.
CROWD
Hurray!
Chance grins and pushes Linda aside. Chance runs over to the window. This is literally happening just below his room.
CHANCE
I think I found my pickle-lilly. Sugar bush, get Hartnut on the phone. Tell him I done did done it.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESCUE SITE - CONTINUOUS
Behind Bob and the Reporter there is a hubbub from the emergency crew.
WORKERS (O.S.)
We got her!
The CROWD falls silent, anxiously awaiting the appearance of the baby girl. Workers crank a crane. The crying grows louder.
LISA
(sotto)
We’re about to get our first glimpse of the precious baby girl who has been trapped for God knows how long…
It’s not a baby. It’s David, covered in muddy muck, wearing shorts that look a bit like diapers *(Needs to be in shorts in earlier scenes). He is lifted into view.
EXT. HOLE
When David realizes he’s out of the hole, his crying turns into soft coos.