Swamp Happens
The Swamp Bottom Collection
K.A. Ware
Cora Kenborn
Copyright © 2020 by K.A. Ware and Cora Kenborn
Cover design by Bite Me Graphic Design
Editing by KC Fernandez
Formatting by Twisted Pen Publishing
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
The following story contains mature themes, strong language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.
This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchase for your use only, then please return to your e-book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in the work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.
Created with Vellum
For our Swamp Bitches.
Thank you for your support and enthusiasm for this perfectly dysfunctional family.
#LongLiveKJBC
Playlist
Author’s Note
The Swamp Happens playlist is primarily compiled of songs mentioned in the collection by the characters. We agree the selection is very…interesting, but then again, so are the Dubois sisters. By the way, you can blame Addie for all the Taylor Swift songs. She’s a huge fan. We recommend listening to the Swamp Happens playlist as you read.
Price Tag - Jessie J, B.o.B
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Cry - Faith Hill
Coming Home - Avenged Sevenfold
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift
I’m Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado
Womanizer - Britney Spears
Ghost - Ella Henderson
Kick The Dust Up - Luke Bryan
Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max
Shake It Off - Taylor Swift
Cowboy Casanova - Carrie Underwood
So What - P!nk
Gorilla - Bruno Mars
Lose You To Love Me - Selena Gomez
Dancing Queen - ABBA
High - Whethan, Dua Lipa
The Wild One - Suzi Quatro
Issues - Julia Michaels
Mean - Taylor Swift
Love So Soft - Kelly Clarkson
Blinding Lights - The Weekend
All By Myself - Céline Dion
Sorry - Justin Bieber
Whole Lotta Trouble - Stevie Nicks
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
Just Give Me a Reason - P!nk, Nate Ruess
Jesus Take The Wheel - Carrie Underwood
With Arms Wide Open - Creed
Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar
Party In The U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus
Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry
Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
Ex’s and Oh’s - Elle King
Booty Hopscotch - Kstylis
TiK ToK - Kesha
Pony - Ginuwine
Criminal - Fiona Apple
This Is How We Roll - Florida Georgia Line, Luke Bryan
Truly, Madly, Deeply - Savage Garden
The Luckiest - Ben Folds
F**kin’ Perfect - P!nk
Jealous - Nick Jonas
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyoncé
Love Story - Taylor Swift
I Hope You Dance - Lee Ann Womack
Full Circle - Aerosmith
Contents
Introduction
FRONT PORCHES & FUNERALS
1. There Are Bats In The Bayou
2. Glances and Other Stolen Things
3. A Date With The Colonel
4. A Proper Homecoming
5. Resting Bitch Face
6. Deconditioned Responses
7. Roadside Assistance
8. Second Chances For Third Wheels
9. Highway To Hurricanes
VOODOO & VODKA
10. Project Stickectomy
11. Roodoo Doll
12. Saved By The Pope
13. Special Delivery
14. Natural Progression
15. Righting Wrongs
16. A Change in Latitude
17. Old Friends
18. Fine Isn’t Fine
19. Babs In The Box
20. You Got Served
HOOK-UPS & HANG-UPS
21. Wake-Up Call
22. Picture Perfect
23. Wildflowers
24. Duck Number Twenty-Seven
25. Backyard Revelations
26. Pick A Lane, Addie
27. A Dubois Love Orgy
28. Liquid Courage
29. Shooting Stars
30. A Surprise Proposal
BLUE LINES & BOATMEN
31. Meet The Popes
32. Purely Textual
33. The Demise of Addie-Light
34. My Kind of Perfect
35. A Formal Inquisition
36. Switzerland
37. Deep Waters
38. A Patrol and Summons
39. A New Alliance
40. An Alternate Universe
41. Flags On The Moon
42. Killer Swamp Bees
43. Last Straws
PINK LINES & PANIC
44. Dirty Little Secrets
45. Verbal Bitch Slap
46. Giddy-Up
47. Confessions
48. Cracked Nipples
49. A New Routine
50. Intimate Gestures
51. Hello, Gummy Bear
52. Three Brides and a Baby
53. Hand On The Bible
54. Potty Pong
55. The Escape Clause
DIVORCE & DENIAL
56. DEFCON-1
57. Frequent Flier
58. Vegas, Baby
59. A Friend In Need
60. Tag, You’re It
61. Heads Or Tails
62. Ex’s and Oh’s
63. The Mile High Club
64. Pillow Talk
65. Pep Talks
66. All Aboard The Party Train
67. A Kink With Cuffs
WARRANTS & ONESIES
68. Designated Drivers
69. Jail Break
70. Face The Music
71. Accidental Confessions
72. Truly, Madly, Deeply
73. Here Comes The Bride
74. An Official Escort
75. Happy Birthday
76. Mr. and Mrs. Pope
77. Boob Fruit Blues
78. Party Crasher
79. Mary Krismas
80. Peace on Earth
81. Yes
82. Back To Basics
Epilogue
&
nbsp; Acknowledgments
About K.A Ware
About Cora Kenborn
Follow K.A Ware Online
Follow Cora Kenborn Online
Also by K.A. Ware
Also By Cora Kenborn
SWAMP HAPPENS
The Swamp Bottom Collection
Adelaide
I always prided myself on being the responsible one. The perfect princess. The voice of reason in what was usually my sister’s chaos.
That was before I threw it all away for the parish bad boy. After he threw me away, I raised a middle finger to the bayou and didn’t look back.
Years later, I married prince charming and have everything I’ve ever wanted—until the silver spoon is ripped away, and my prince turns out to be just another cheating jackass.
Forced out of my self-imposed exile, I have no choice but to crawl back to the one place I turned my back on.
Savannah
Trouble always found me. I figured you only lived once, so carpe diem. Besides, my sister worried enough for both of us.
That was before I before I stole a van, became a felon, and seduced my arresting officer.
I’m a mess, and all I have to show for my life is a string of loser ex-boyfriends and a warrant. I used to dream of seeing the world. Now I dig in the cushions for loose change.
Cutting my losses, I hit the road. Facing my past won’t be easy, but sooner or later, I guess swamp happens.
Introduction
The Swamp Bottom Novella Series
Dear Reader,
Welcome to our Swamp Family!
The Swamp Bottom Novella Series originally published as seven individual novellas in 2017. We think it was 2017. Honestly, both of us have kind of blocked that year out so we’ll get back to you on that.
Anyway, the series kicked off February 19th with the release of Front Porches and Funerals. Every six to eight weeks (and six to eight bottles of wine) a new novella was released, recapping the end of the previous book, telling a new story, and ending with a small tease into the next installment.
And by small tease, we mean an OMG cliffhanger. We know how much y’all love those. <insert evil grin here>
For years, fans of the Swamp Bottom Series have been asking for a compilation of all seven novellas. We heard your requests and offer you this collection, re-edited, re-covered, and re-formatted.
While Swamp Bottom can now be read as one complete book, we wanted to pay homage to the novellas that created the lovable and dysfunctional Dubois family. That’s why we still broke the chapters up by original book and included the original (albeit slightly updated) blurbs.
Babs would’ve wanted it that way.
Now, grab a drink, sit back, and get ready to travel back to that rickety front porch where it all began.
Ya Ya!
K.A. and Cora
FRONT PORCHES & FUNERALS
Book One #swamphappens
Adelaide and Savannah couldn't wait to leave the bayou. While one of them dreamed of plantation life and country clubs, the other just hoped for a new adventure.
However, the Dubois sisters soon realize the grass isn’t always greener beyond the bayou, and when a death in the family calls them home, they have no choice but to belly crawl back to the town they both turned their backs on.
They say you can’t go home again.
But when you’re broke, down on your luck, and wanted in two states, it’s the only place left.
The good thing about hitting swamp bottom?
There's only one way to go.
1
There Are Bats In The Bayou
Adelaide
Shreveport, Louisiana
The maximum sentence for first degree murder in the state of Louisiana was either the death penalty or life imprisonment without the opportunity for parole.
Trust me, I’d done the research.
Standing over the refreshment table in the parlor of Sugarbirch Plantation, I pondered the consequences of both while listening to the incessant chatter of the Caddo Parish Ladies’ Auxiliary Club.
“I swear, Ashley, I almost fainted when I realized they’d discontinued my china pattern.”
Left eye twitch.
“Hush your mouth!” Ashley fanned her face as if Courtney just announced she had two weeks to live.
Right eye twitch.
Courtney shook her head and eyed the room. “When I asked to see the manager, the sales girl acted like she didn’t know me.” She threw her head back and laughed. “As if everyone in Caddo Parish doesn’t know the Carrington family.” She stopped to take a sip of her lemonade as I glanced longingly at the locked liquor cabinet.
If only.
I allowed myself the occasional glass of wine with dinner, but today, I’d gladly slug moonshine right out of a canning jar just to get through lunch with Shreveport’s elite.
Ashley widened her perfectly lined eyes and leaned in for more gossip. “What did you say?”
“Honey, what could I say?” Courtney continued, dabbing her cotillion-pink painted lips. “The poor girl was so backwoods, when she talked, sticks fell out.”
First degree murder is the killing of a human being.
Maybe there was a loophole in Louisiana legislature? Technically those bitches weren’t human beings. Maybe a jury would be sympathetic and give me a medal instead of the chair for slipping rat poison into their sweet tea?
There couldn’t be a law against murdering the prophesied antichrist, right?
Redirecting her attention, a smile curled Courtney’s mouth. “Adelaide, I love the remodeling you’ve done.” She licked her lips and stared into the hallway with the look of a starved wildebeest. “The detail work is just so…exquisite.”
I moved behind her and gripped the silver serving tray with both hands to keep from beating her with it. Forcing a smile, I shoved it under her sculptured nose. “Petit four?”
Or maybe you’d prefer my husband’s dick?
She wrinkled her nose. Or tried to, at least. Who knew with Courtney. After the last round under the knife, it looked like the blunt end of a pencil eraser. “Ugh, I can’t eat those. I’m on a diet.” She nodded toward the hallway again. “We all can’t be as fit and trim as Roland.”
The way she drew out the R in his name made me want to cram every petit four, five, eight, and twelve down her throat until she choked. However, as appealing as homicide sounded, I’d last all of ten minutes behind bars before having a stroke. Plus, I’d never been in trouble in my life. My best bet was to keep them focused and Courtney away from Roland long enough to finish the meeting.
Grabbing a notepad, I settled on a wingback chair, and smoothed my A-lined yellow dress with one hand while tapping a pen against my thigh with the other. “On the agenda, we have the annual golf tournament. We need to pick this year’s charity to receive the proceeds.” I had one in mind already and bit my tongue, waiting for the right time to slip it in the conversation.
“We could always re-sod the yacht club,” Ashley offered, examining her nails with a bored face. “It’s embarrassing to walk across spray painted peasant grass to get to the docks.”
My head throbbed. These women weren’t my friends. They weren’t even my enemies. They were nothing. I didn’t care about them, and they didn’t care about me. I wouldn’t even serve on the stupid committee if Roland didn’t harp on the fact that a Bordeaux female had sat on the executive board for generations.
Lucky me.
Plus, my options included either diving into charity work or spending every day aerobicizing my ass and making small talk with the gardener.
His name was Gerald.
He was forty-nine and had three kids and one grandchild. He loved NASCAR, cheeseburgers, and the monthly Victoria’s Secret catalog. Way more than I knew about the man I’d been married to for ten years.
“I was thinking more like supporting the Boys and Girls Club in Highland.”
The room went silent as every threaded brow rai
sed and waxed chin tilted my way in pity.
Courtney’s lip curled up. “Oh, Adelaide, bless your heart.”
I may not have been born in Shreveport, but I had Cajun blood and was no idiot. Bless your heart meant fuck you in Southern.
Life without parole started to sound pretty tempting.
“What’s wrong with the Boys and Girls Club in Highland?” Rarely did I push issues, but kids were important to me. Not that I’d ever have any of my own.