When they saw me, they laughed.
And why wouldn’t they? I asked myself.
There I was, wearing a frizzy, curly rainbow wig, a big red squishy nose, polka-dot pants, and a striped shirt, raking Charlotte Barney’s yard in front of my friends and neighbors.
It might’ve been the worst day of my life—until I saw who was coming down the street carrying a huge Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bag. I didn’t believe my eyes, but I could name that tune in two notes: Freak Show.
It was Hannah. She walked slowly so that she didn’t trip over the flippers on her feet. She also wore a poodle skirt, Superman cape, cowgirl bandana, and sideways baseball cap.
She set the bag down on the sidewalk by the audience, picked up a rake, and came over to me.
“Abercrombie?” I asked, pointing at her outfit.
She nodded and raked. Charlotte and Misty died with laughter. I asked her, “Are you doing a good deed?”
“I decided the other day at practice, when Charlotte told me I should ditch you and Darbie as friends. She said you guys were holding me back from being totally cool and popular. I told her that I was trying to give her another chance to be a friend. But you were right, Kelly, she’s just mean,” Hannah said. “This?” She waved to her ridiculous outfit. “This is just an ordinary day hanging out with my BFF.”
When I looked up to transfer my leaf pile into a trash bag, I saw Tony holding a bag open for me. He had picked a tiara and lacy pink tutu from Hannah’s bag. He helped me direct my leaves into the trash bag, flashing a mega-white smile meant only for me to see.
I smiled back.
Frankie was behind him. He was raking in a tall, striped Cat-in-the-Hat hat and bowtie. Darbie rummaged through the shopping bag in a way that reminded me of the day we cleaned out my attic. She found a black biker jacket and tap shoes. Bud slipped on a pair of fairy wings. He gave a flowery visor to Joanne.
They all got up to help me rake, except for Mrs. Silvers, who wasn’t in any shape for yard work. But she did put on a colorful beanie hat with a propeller.
Even my mom came out of the house with a lampshade on her head, and Dad wore a paper bag with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth.
Suddenly, I realized we were all having fun.
Not Charlotte. She was still on the sidewalk with her arms crossed over her chest. When I first looked at her face, I thought she was angry. On a second look, I realized she was just sad.
Sam drove up in a new Sam’s iScream On-the-Go truck and gave us all free Swirleys-To-Go. He said, “Looks like everyone is having a good time.”
I said, “Just another day in Crazytown.”
Here are a few recipes from the Book—and from Kelly, too!
ROCKET LAUNCHING RAINBOW SUPER SWIRLEY
When you can’t make up your mind, enjoy
this three-layered concoction.
Layer 1: Strawberry ice cream blended with colorful Skittles.
Layer 2: Banana ice cream with ribbons of golden caramel.
Layer 3: Bright green pistachio ice cream
peppered with Nerds candies.
Top with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles.
BOWL ME OVER CHOCOLATE BROWNIE SUPER SWIRLEY
Only for those able to handle the richest
possible combination of chocolate.
Chocolate fudge ice cream blended with chunks of brownie,
nibblets of semi-sweet chocolate morsels, hot fudge sauce, and
chunks of homemade Amish fudge. Snickers optional.
Swirl to perfection and top with a brick of rich brownie.
BLACK AND WHITE SUPER SWIRLEY
Combines dark chocolate with creamy light vanilla.
Vanilla bean ice cream
Classic chocolate ice cream
Chocolate syrup
Blend until neither can be identified from the other.
Top with hot fudge.
GOLDEN BUTTERCUP CAKES
2 cups all-purpose flour
1½ cups sugar
2½ tsp baking powder
a pinch of salt
¾ cup butter or margarine (1½ sticks), softened
¾ cup whole milk
1½ tsp pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1. Preheat oven to 350°. Line 2½-inch muffin pan
with cupcake holders.
2. Mix dry ingredients until combined. Add wet ingredients
and beat just until blended and creamy.
PERFECT BUTTERCREAM FROSTING
1 pkg confectioners’ sugar (16 oz)
½ cup butter or margarine (1 stick), softened
1½ tsp pure vanilla extract
2 tbsp cream
With hand mixer, beat sugar, softened butter, vanilla,
and cream until blended. Increase speed until frosting is light and fluffy.
LOVE BUG JUICE
(For l’amor)
4 cups cranberry juice
Fistful of maraschino cherries, mashed
2 slices kiwi fruit
1 diced apple
Dash of shade-grown Mexican ginseng
Mix all ingredients in a pitcher with lots of ice
and sprinkle generously with ginseng.
KEEPS ’EM QUIET COBBLER
(Stopped the gallo from his early morning cockle—ip)
½ cup all-purpose flour
1 cup butter (2 sticks), softened
10 ripe apples, sliced
2 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp ground cloves
2 tbsp almond paste
1 cup sugar
½ tsp aged vetivert stems
With a hand mixer, thoroughly beat flour, sugar, and softened butter.
Set aside. In separate bowl, mix apple slices with cinnamon, cloves, almond paste,
and vetivert stems. Add the flour mixture and stir until well blended. Put into a
baking pan and bake uncovered at 350° for 45 minutes or until apples are tender.
HEXBERRY TARTA
(Embrujar—ip)
2 pints berries
2 tbsp lemon juice
¼ cup all-purpose flour
½ cup sugar
½ tsp cinnamon
2 tbsp almond extract
2 tbsp unsalted butter
¼ cup shaved hazelnuts
Dash of rue seed
2 egg whites, optional
premade pie crust
Mix all ingredients thoroughly and pour into pie crust.
If desired, brush the crust with egg whites. Bake at 350°
for 1 hour or until crust is brown and flakey.
FCS: FRESH CITRUS SQUEEZE
(For Causing Strife—ip)
Juice freshly squeezed from 3 oranges
1 tsp lemon juice
2 tbsp cherry juice
Mexican mint
Mix together and serve over ice.
CHILI COOK-OFF AWARD-WINNING CHILI
2 lbs lean ground beef
2 large green bell peppers, chopped
2 medium onions, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
4 tbsp minced garlic
2 fresh jalapeño chiles, chopped
1/3 cup chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes
¼ tsp red peppers
2 bay leaves
1 15-oz can tomato sauce
6 cups water or beef broth
2 15.5-oz cans kidney beans
Salt to taste
Sauté meat, peppers, onions, celery, and garlic in a pan.
Drain fat. Add everything except beans. Cover and simmer 1 hour, stirring
occasionally. Add beans and simmer another 15 minutes.
MRS. QUINN’S CHILI RECIPE
1 lb ground beef or stew meat, browned and drained
1 medium onion, diced
1 small green pepper, diced
1 small red pepper, diced
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can chilis
1 can black beans
1 small can tomato paste
1 can dark beer
4 tbsp ground chili powder
2 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp nutmeg
Brown beef, peppers, and onion. Drain off any grease.
Stir in the rest of the ingredients, adding the beans last. Bring to a boil and
reduce heat to low. Cover and cook on low for 1 hour.
THE MAMMOTH
3 1-oz shots of espresso
16 oz brewed dark roast coffee
6 oz steamed milk
Whisk together.
ALFRED NOBEL SCHOOL CAFETERIA MASHED POTATOES
100 lbs potatoes, peeled, boiled, drained, and cut up
10 cups butter, softened
80 oz cream cheese, softened
80 oz sour cream
Mix all of the above ingredients with an industrial mixer,
adding the butter and cream cheese in thirds.
Spoon and spread into 8½ x 13-inch glass dishes.
Bake until heated through.
TONY’S FAVORITE TIRAMISU
2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup plus 4 tbsp sugar
8 oz of mascarpone cheese
3 tbsp of crème de cocoa
1 cup strong coffee or espresso
20 ladyfingers or sponge cakes
1/8 cup of cocoa powder
serving dish
1. Whip 1 cup of the cream into stiff peaks, refrigerate while
completing the next steps. Add 2 tbsp of sugar, or to taste.
2. In a separate bowl, whip the mascarpone cheese,
½ cup sugar, and 2 tbsp of crème de cocoa. Set aside.
3. Dip the top sides of half of the lady fingers in the coffee
and place in the bottom of serving dish. You will need to
cover the bottom of the dish, so only use as many
ladyfingers as needed to do so.
4. Take refrigerated whipped cream and fold
into the cheese mixture.
5. Spread one third mixture over ladyfingers
and dust with cocoa powder.
6. Repeat steps 3 and 5, ending with the cheese mixture on top.
7. Take the reserved 1 cup of cream and 2 tbsp of sugar and whip
till soft peaks are formed. Spread mixture over top of cheese layer and garnish with cocoa powder.
8. Chill tiramisu for at least 2 hours before serving!
MRS. RUSAMANO’S CANNOLI
Shell:
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp sugar
½ tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp butter
2 tbsp cold water
2 tbsp vinegar
Filling:
2 lbs ricotta cheese
1 tbsp vanilla extract
1½ cup sugar
½ cup chopped nuts
½ cup chocolate chips
½ cup citron (optional)
Shell:
Blend first four ingredients and add butter. Blend with your
fingertips as you would a pie crust. Add cold water and vinegar.
This makes a hard dough. Chill 1 hour.
Roll dough out to ½-inch thickness
and cut into 4 x 5-inch rectangles.
Roll dough around tubes, 1 inch in diameter.
Fry at 360° until brown. Drain and cool.
Filling:
Beat ricotta, vanilla, and sugar until smooth,
then add nuts, chocolate chips, and citron. Chill. Fill crusts at both ends with filling.