Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 Coffee
2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To
3 Film Festivals
4 Assists
5 Farmer’s Markets
6 Organic Food
7 Diversity
8 Barack Obama
9 Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside
10 Wes Anderson Movies
11 Asian Girls
12 Nonprofit Organizations
13 Tea
14 Having Black Friends
15 Yoga
16 Gifted Children
17 Hating Their Parents
18 Awareness
19 International Travel
20 Being an Expert on Your Culture
21 Writer’s Workshops
22 Having Two Last Names
23 Microbreweries
24 Wine
25 David Sedaris
26 Manhattan (and Now Brooklyn, Too!)
27 Marathons
28 Not Having a TV
29 ’80s Night
30 Wrigley Field
31 Snowboarding
32 Veganism/Vegetarianism
33 Marijuana
34 Architecture
35 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart / The Colbert Report
36 Brunch
37 Renovations
38 Arrested Development
39 Netflix
40 Apple Products
41 Indie Music
42 Sushi
43 Plays
44 Public Radio
45 Asian Fusion Food
46 The Sunday New York Times
47 Liberal Arts Degrees
48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
49 Vintage
50 Irony
51 Living by the Water
52 Sarah Silverman
53 Dogs
54 Kitchen Gadgets
55 Apologies
56 Lawyers
57 Documentaries
58 Japan
59 Natural Medicine
60 Toyota Prius
61 Bicycles
62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
63 Expensive Sandwiches
64 Recycling
65 Coed Sports
66 Divorce
67 Standing Still at Concerts
68 Michel Gondry
69 Mos Def
70 Difficult Breakups
71 Being the Only White Person Around
72 Study Abroad
73 Gentrification
74 Oscar Parties
75 Threatening to Move to Canada
76 Bottles of Water
77 Musical Comedy
78 Multilingual Children
79 Modern Furniture
80 The Idea of Soccer
81 Graduate School
82 Hating Corporations
83 Bad Memories of High School
84 T-shirts
85 The Wire
86 Shorts
87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
88 Having Gay Friends
89 St. Patrick’s Day
90 Dinner Parties
91 San Francisco
92 Music Piracy
93 Rugby
94 New Balance Shoes
95 Beards
96 Having Children in Their Late Thirties
97 Red Hair
98 Noam Chomsky
99 Non-Motorized Boating
100 The Boston Red Sox
101 Scarves
102 Cleanses
103 Self-Deprecating Humor
104 Integrity
105 Pretending to Be a Canadian When Traveling Abroad
106 The Criterion Collection
107 Natural Childbirth
108 High School English Teachers
109 Native Wisdom
110 Trying Too Hard
111 Portland, Oregon
112 Free Health Care
113 Che Guevara
114 The New Yorker
115 Non-American News Sources
116 Subtitles
117 Premium Juice
118 The ACLU
119 Plaid
120 Platonic Friendships
121 Reusable Shopping Bags
122 Acoustic Covers
123 Dave Chappelle
124 Tibet
125 Nintendo Wii
126 Conspiracies
127 The Simpsons
128 Avoiding Confrontation
129 DJs
130 Carbon Offsets
131 Following Their Dreams
132 Not Having Cash
133 Adopting Foreign Children
134 LEED Certification
135 Expensive Strollers
136 Singer-Songwriters
137 Eating Outside
138 Books
139 Music Festivals
140 Glasses
141 McSweeney’s
142 Hardwood Floors
143 Bakeries
144 Modern Art Museums
145 Cheese
146 Therapy
147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus
148 Dive Bars
149 Self-Importance
150 Rock Climbing
How White are You?
Acknowledgments
Photograph Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
To my mother, Jennifer,
who by nature of being born
in England granted me an ethnicity
1 Coffee
There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it’s true that Asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy a cup. But it is a certainty that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. It was obvious that they didn’t enjoy it, but they did it anyway, until they liked it—like cigarettes.
As white people begin to age, a genuine taste for coffee will emerge. During this time white people will also develop a self-proclaimed “addiction.” This leads to them saying things like “You do not want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It’s pretty much garbage all around.
It’s worth noting that where white people buy coffee is almost as important as the drink itself. For the most part, white people love Starbucks, although they will profess to hate how the chain is now a multinational corporation. This hatred is often sublimated by their relief at seeing one in an airport. The best place for white people to drink coffee is at a locally owned coffeeshop that offers many types of drinks, free Wi-Fi, and some sort of message board that is peppered with notices about rooms for rent and bands looking for bass players.
White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.
2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To
White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus. The most popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah, and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but that’s much rarer, since you have to make real sacrifices and actually go to a mosque.
For the most part, white people prefer religions that produce artifacts and furniture that fit into their home or wardrobe. They are also particularly drawn to religions that do not require a lot of commitment or donations.
When a white person tells you “I’m a Buddhist/Hindu/Kabbalahist,” the best thing to do is ask how they arrived at their religious decision. The st
ory will likely involve a trip to Thailand or a college class on religion.
3 Film Festivals
White people can’t get enough of film festivals, especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. This love can be due to a number of factors.
Fact #1: 90 percent of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.
Fact #2: White people like feeling smart without doing work—two hours in a theater is easier than ten hours with a book.
Fact #3: If white people aren’t going backpacking, they generally like to travel with a specific purpose.
Fact #4: 75 percent of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/ directors at some point.
Fact #5: White people hate stuff that is “mainstream”—so they go to film festivals, where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see. It’s a pretty sweet way to rebel.
Fact #6: It is required by white-person law that you publicly declare foreign cinema to be better than Hollywood movies, and on par with indie film.
Fact #7: White people earn credibility by being into films from strange countries: “Oh, you liked Sideways? Yeah, I didn’t see it, I’m really into Serbian film now. They had a great retrospective at the Vancouver Festival.”
4 Assists
When you say the word “assist,” the first thing you think about is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, it’s no secret.
In basketball, passing is kind of a must, so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapper—yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.
One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. But more important, it makes them feel good to help others.
When you are a captain at a pick-up basketball game and you want to take a lot of shots, it’s a good idea to pick a white guy.
5 Farmer’s Markets
White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.
White people like farmer’s markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies and small businesses; the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them by reading Fast Food Nation (and yes, every white person has read this book).
Some of the other reasons include: it’s outside (white people love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, it’s a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.
If you are looking for an activity you can share with your white friends, nothing will progress the relationship faster than a trip to a farmer’s market.
6 Organic Food
Because of the balance of global wealth and power, there is a general assumption that white people are pretty shrewd. And for the most part, history has proven this to be true. But white people have one great weakness: organic food.
Just as with farmer’s markets, white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and don’t use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness, which just uses it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.
White people don’t care about this. As long as they aren’t eating pesticides, they are pretty sure they can live forever. It’s almost guaranteed that if some Colombian drug lord can start offering “organic” cocaine, he’ll be the richest guy ever.
7 Diversity
White people love ethnic diversity, but only as it relates to restaurants.
Many white people from cities like Los Angeles, San Francisco, and New York will spend hours talking about how great it is that they can get sushi and tacos on the same street. But they will also send their kids to private school with other rich white kids so that they can avoid the “low test scores” that come with educational diversity. It’s important to note that white people do not like to be called out on this fact. It will make them feel even more guilty than they already do.
If you run an ethnic restaurant you can be guaranteed repeat business and huge tips if you act like your white customers are adventurous and cultured for eating food that isn’t sandwiches or pasta. In fact, even if you do not own a restaurant, it’s a good idea to congratulate white people for being adventurous eaters. It will make their year.
8 Barack Obama
White people like Barack Obama because they are afraid that if they don’t they will be considered racist.
9 Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside
As mentioned earlier, white people love to be outside. But not everyone knows that another thing they like to do is make people feel bad for wanting to watch sports on TV or play video games. While it would be easy to get angry at white people for this, remember it is hardwired in their heads that the greatest thing people can do in their free time is hike/walk/bike outdoors.
Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy your life and they will say, “Hey, let’s go for a hike in the park,” and most people will say, “Hey, thanks, but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond, “Don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away,” etc. If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.
And, much like most things with white people, they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying, “Boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice, and muesli.
10 Wes Anderson Movies
White people love Wes Anderson movies more than they love their kids. If a white guy takes a white girl to a Wes Anderson movie on their first date, and neither of them have seen it, they will immediately commence a relationship that is reflected in songs by Ryan Adams and Bright Eyes.
Wes Anderson movies have this way of being sort of funny and a little clever, so white people in the audience will laugh like crazy. Also, if they don’t get the joke and other white people start laughing, they’ll all join in. It’s pretty much the case that if one dude with glasses laughs, the entire theater will be in stitches within 15 seconds.
If you find yourself in a situation with a white person and an awkward silence falls over you, mention any of the movies below and you will have something to talk about, and they will like you. Here are some approved comments:
1. The Darjeeling Limited (2007): “Owen Wilson is just fantastic. It’s so great to see that he’s back.”
2. Hotel Chevalier (2007): “Can you believe Natalie Portman got kind of naked?”
3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004): “I know a lot of people said they didn’t like this film, but I thought it was fantastic.” (Note: It is acceptable to be critical of this movie.)
4. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): “This movie changed my life.”
5. Rushmore (1998): “This is when Bill Murray really changed in my eyes. He’s so fantastic in the movie, and Jason Schwartzman is a true star.”
6. Bottle Rocket (1996): “I saw this movie in 1994.”
Special Entry: It is always a good idea to say that you love Wes Anderson soundtracks.
11 Asian Girls
Ninety-five percent of white males have, at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors ha
ve contributed to this phenomenon, such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the nuclear bomb, and the Vietnam War. This exchange works both ways, as Asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for Asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history.) Asian girls often do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-English-speaking grandmothers a heart attack.
White men love Asian women so much that they will go to extremes like stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC (dubbed University of a Billion Chinese) or UCLA (University of CaucAsians Living among Asians). Another factor that draws white guys to Asian women is that white women are jealous of them.
Take, for instance, the fact that Asian women well into their thirties and forties retain teen or college-girl looks without the help of Botox, yoga, or a trendy diet. Asian women also avoid key white-women characteristics such as having a midlife crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children. When white guy and Asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing but often very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the Asian peoples in the population race, as the hybrids often act white rather than Asian.
12 Nonprofit Organizations
It is a known fact that white people make up 95 percent of nonprofit organizations. They can’t get enough of them.
They like working there for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it gives them a sense of self-importance. They can then tell their friends and parents that they are “helping” society, not just working to make money.