Between the wars, T. S. Eliot wrote The Waste Land—because he’d come to the conclusion that everything he’d ever learned was a lie and everything in the world was a sham—and Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats because, hey . . . cats!
I may not be a lion, but I am a lion’s cub, and I have a lion’s heart.
—ELIZABETH I
A CODE OF CONDUCT FOR SERVANTS AND CATS
SIX DAYS A WEEK:
If it’s silver, polish it.
If it’s furniture, dust it.
If it’s cloth, launder it.
If it’s food, boil it.
ON YOUR DAY OFF:
If it’s a clothes hamper, sleep in it.
If it’s the soil of a large potted plant, poop in it.
Acknowledgments
There wouldn’t be a Downton Tabby without Lucy Ruth Cummins, HiFi3D Jonathan Dorfman & Szymon Weglarski, Cory Godbey, Martha Schwartz, and especially Trish Todd. No real cats were forced to wear clothes for this book, although some were observed for the drawings. Don’t put clothes on your cats. (He says like he’s your boss.)
About the Author
CHRIS KELLY writes for HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher. He won an Emmy for his work on Michael Moore’s TV Nation. He’s been an editor at Spy and National Lampoon, a staff writer for Late Show with David Letterman, head writer at Politically Incorrect, and a writer/producer on a half-dozen network situation comedies, some long-running and some that barely aired at all.
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2013 by Chris Kelly
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition December 2013
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Cover photo-illustration by HiFi3D (Jonathan Dorfman & Szymon Weglarski)
Interior pen-and-ink illustrations by Cory Godbey
Interior photo-illustrations by HiFi3D (Jonathan Dorfman & Szymon Weglarski)
ISBN 978-1-4767-6593-8
ISBN 978-1-4767-6594-5 (ebook)
Contents
Table Setting
Foreword
Introduction
Cats and Englishmen
Those Who Have Things Done for Them
The Cats of Downton Tabby
Those Who Do Things for Those Who Have Things Done for Them
1910
1912
How to Keep a Secret at Downton Tabby
1913
Love Signs
1914
1915
1915–1918
1919
How to Argue with Lord Grimalkin About His Most Deeply Held Beliefs
1922
1923
1924–1929
Acknowledgments
About the Author