Just as the survivors of the plane crash broke the rules that control society, so the public breaks rules every day. So long as you see it as a means of survival, then you will do it; you will break the speed limit while driving your car if you’re late for an appointment, and just as you are not perfect then it also applies to everyone else. Yet you want everyone else to be perfect and adhere to the rules. A speeding motorist doesn’t care about others, yet if anyone was to go speeding along the road they live on … see what I mean? There is not a person living who can say that they have never done or thought about doing something that breaks the rules of society.
The consequence of breaching these rules means someone wants retribution. In a modern society, the way to exact retribution is to have someone sit in judgment and/or mediate. Before the government came along and appointed judges it was up to the village elders or the tribal council to resolve such matters. Their decision was final – no appeals, no nothing.
In 1215, King John introduced the Magna Carta, paving the way as a sort of Bill of Rights for everyone. You had the right to remain silent, and it couldn’t be held against you, but now that right has been changed. Now, if you remain silent and don’t say anything that you later rely on in an open court, then it can harm your defence.
Courts were set up to dispense justice without fear or favour; equal rights for all. No matter who you were, there was a prison just for you. A nice warm dungeon, a homely little fortress beneath the ground or a nice big tower for the well-to-do. Whatever your station in life, there was some place exclusively to lock you up in. And if that wasn’t enough, then they could have you breaking up rocks or pushing a giant grinding wheel around all day long.
Prisons were never designed to assert a rehabilitative influence; this came about when prison reformists meddled and tinkered with the inner machinations of prison life. In order for reform to work, you need commitment from those involved. The system is failing miserably!
Tell me this – how can someone be diagnosed as being mentally ill just because they are a paedophile or sex attacker? What about speeding motorists, drink-drivers, litter louts, burglars and the like? Why is it that people working within the professions have a soft spot for convicted paedophiles and rapists? Suddenly, these academics are all experts in how to treat a convicted sex attacker, but what about the lowly burglar who has been reduced to the status of a convicted crook?
You don’t find many burglars in Broadmoor or Ashworth, I can tell you. The wards are full of sexual deviants, very few are like me. That is why prison cannot work; already, as a prisoner, you are discriminated against. You get out of prison and anyone can call you an ex-con, but dare to call someone a ‘Paki’ and you’re in for it. ‘Paki’ used to be the shortened word for anyone from Pakistan, but it became bastardised by academics and was turned into something derogatory.
It’s the same with the prison stigma; society has been brainwashed into thinking that ex-cons have a disease. The only difference between ex-cons and most of the population is that ex-cons have been caught and convicted! So why should they be discriminated against?
We’ve moved on from prisons being places of incarceration to being places of pain and suffering. In medieval times, such places could be handled by most who were thrown into them. A warm place to sleep and be shielded from the elements was often considered to be a sanctuary. You could even have your own servants at your beck and call as well as having your family stay with you. But look at prison now. You’ve got to be doing life just to qualify to have a budgie in your cell! Things have gone from bad to worse. Why shouldn’t a prisoner be allowed conjugal visits or have a family house within the confines of a prison wall? They allowed it in this country hundreds of years ago. The charter for Human Rights states that a man is allowed to found (start) a family … you cannot found a family from behind bars!
People are used to the home comforts of TV and video, dishwashers, mobile phones, video links, soft furnishings, Playstations, DVD players and the like. Take all of that away from them and sling them into a concrete cell and see how easy it is to break a man’s resolve.
Modern man is supposed to have found himself, found his femininity, as the namby-pamby brigade would have you believe. Should that be the case then you will understand how such an austere place as Strangeways Prison can cause such an extreme state of mental turmoil. Yet people are expected to get through it all and come out as reformed characters after guarding their arses for two or three years or having to suck dick to feed their addictions in order to earn a £5 bag of smack.
Prisons are awash with pretenders, full of what I call ‘charvas’ and wannabes! But when they are alone in their cells and they’ve just had a ‘Fuck off out of my life’ letter from their missus, well … that’s when you can see what prison does to a man.
I am for making prisons obsolete … easy for me to say, but I bet a lot of free people would say that, too. I know what a lot of others in the ‘hang ’em’ brigade would say, too – they say that you can’t have lethal criminals walking the streets and that society needs protecting from them. This is true, people do need protecting from all these mentally ill people, and why can’t they be regarded as mentally ill, I ask?
Perhaps not in my lifetime, but eventually, there will be fewer and fewer prisons with more and more centres for the therapeutic treatment of offenders. Offending, you see, is a state of mind … an illness. Prisons are no answer to what is needed but, in the meantime, we have to tolerate such places and, while we have to, we may as well make them into better places.
I hope that this book goes some way to helping reform how prisons are run and how they are set out and how they treat people. Oh, I forgot to say that the cure for paedophiles is to hang them up by their balls for an hour and then see if the re-offend. Rapists would have the same punishment and on a second conviction would have surgical removal of their tackle … without anaesthetic! And that is how it would go for all sexual attackers and the likes. They would be discriminated against in a positive way. And anyone who came out of the woodwork to save them would be equally as done against … who can befriend a paedophile … yuk!
By giving you an insight into prisons, I hope that you can prepare yourself for the day of your incarceration. Hey, it might never happen, but who knows what’s around the next corner? Shit, as they say, happens. You’ll be glad you read this book, you’ll be glad that Bronco showed you the way ahead.
As for you old lags out there, you know the score and you know what lies ahead. You’ve endured it and been through it, you all deserve a winner’s medal. Wear a T-shirt for me, will ya?
When you’re behind bars, you have no control over your food, clothing or any of the details of your life. You live within a framework of strict supervision and control, whether you are banged up in a prison cell or working as a day-release prisoner.
The control is not reliant on prison walls or cell bars – it is regulated by the powers invested into the custodians of that particular system.
The real meaning of a con’s punishment is that he or she is wholly subject to his or her custodians and can do only what they allow or direct. This is when you value the right citizens have to freedom from restraint, which is a precious right, and the loss of that right to freedom is a severe deprivation.
Just imagine you have been taken hostage and illegally held by your captors, and let’s assume you suffer a grave injury. The courts would award you a massive payout. And this is true even if your captor treated you very nicely.
But when an offender is held in legal custody, he or she suffers a grave punishment, however free from punitive conditions their treatment might be. What about the prisoner who hardly gets any letters or visits compared to his peers? Isn’t he being discriminated against? What about the prisoner who is forced to accept visits under what are called ‘closed’ conditions, in which he is placed behind a bulletproof screen and is not allowed even the minimum of human contact from his visitors? These are very
distressing circumstances, the prisoner being wholly cut off from his family, friends and all familiar life. Their crime also affects their family. Prison has been described as ‘a monastery of men unwilling to be monks.’
Prison does not just take a person’s liberty from them; it also punishes on an unremitting scale without fear or favour.
A WORD FROM CHARLIE ABOUT THE NEW PHOTOS IN THE BOOK
These photos truly are so rare and precious. The last time I had photos taken with my family was over fourteen years ago and I doubt that it will ever happen again. These are a one-off. I was not even allowed to see copies of these photos, let alone have them on my wall. Prison HQ decided that I am not allowed any photo of myself, even if it is with my family. I was refused permission to have a photo of my late, great dad and brother John because I was in the photo with them. How can they justify this? Paedophiles have photos of children on their walls, yet I can’t have a photo of me and my family. The system is corrupt …
GLOSSARY
No doubt, in the course of reading this book, you’ll find some slang words that aren’t in your everyday vocabulary and you’ll wonder what they mean, particularly as I’ve built up quite a following around the world, and I don’t want all my readers abroad to wonder what the hell I’m on about. It is a rough guide to prison terminology, which is sometimes used in the street but has probably originated from prison. Here’s an example of a judge being bamboozled by slang:
Prosecuting barrister: ‘M’lord, the defendant was masked up when he did the blag.’
Judge: ‘What is a “blag”?’
Prosecuting barrister: ‘A robbery, m’lord. The defendant had with him a sawn-off shooter.’
Judge: ‘Sorry to stop you again, but what is a “sawn-off shooter”?’ Prosecuting barrister: ‘A shotgun, m’lord. The defendant copped for being nicked.’
Judge: ‘What does that mean, “copped for being nicked”?’
Prosecuting barrister: ‘It means when he was caught, m’lord. The defendant’s previous form was a nine-stretch for robbery.’
Judge: ‘What does “stretch” mean?’
Prosecuting barrister: ‘It means time served, m’lord. I have the evidence here, m’lord … a blow-up doll.’
Judge: ‘Was that the deluxe blow-up doll, or the super silk lips deluxe blow-up doll?’
Well, perhaps it didn’t quite happen like that, but as I’ve asked for blow-up dolls when I’ve taken hostages in the past, I couldn’t resist it.
Arse-bandit/shirt-
lifter/cacky-stabber/backdoor
burglar Homosexual
Banged up/ Locked in your cell
behind the door Baron Prisoner dealing in illicit items and making profit from it
Beast/nonce Sex case
Bible Moth Prisoner who can’t leave religion alone
Big House Prison
Bird Serving a sentence
Blade Knife or cutting blade used in attack
Blag Robbery
Blagger Robber
Block/seg unit Prison within prison
Boss Friendly name given to prison officer
BoV Board of Visitors
Box Strongbox, impenetrable isolation cell
Brek Breakfast
Brown Heroin
Bruv Term used to express closeness to a fellow prisoner
Burglars Prison security team searching your cell
Burn Tobacco
Cabbaged Brain dead
Canister Head
Canteen Prison shop
Cat Category of prison (A, B, C or D)
CDM Cadbury’s Dairy Milk
Centre Main prison control room
Charva a person of limited intelligence who always wears sports labels, swears a lot and drinks too much
Chib Knife
Chivved up Stabbed or cut up by a chiv
Chokey Prison
Civvy Civilian worker/manufactured cigarette
Clink Prison, named after a prison called ‘Clink’
Con Convict
Cop for this Have some of this (usually said to person on receiving end of punishment beating)
Copped Caught
Crack/Craic/what’s the crack? The talk/What’s going on?
Crack on Hurry up
Crashed in Beat up
Cutting Relating to being slashed with a blade
Daddy Alpha male prisoner
Dear John/Jane A letter from your wife or girlfriend ending their relationship with you
Diamond Geezer A real good man
Dirty Protest Covering cell and yourself with your own excrement
Dis Disrespect
Div(vy) Stupid idiot
Doing time/bird Serving a prison sentence
Double up Two beds put into one cell that is designed for only one bed
Draw Cannabis or tobacco
Dropsy A gift from a soon-to-be-released prisoner
Duff The pudding part of a meal. ‘What’s for duff?’
Dump/Pony Having a crap
Frisk A bit of fun/body search
Gaff A place, such as a room or a house
Geezer A man
Ghosted Shipped out of a prison to another one very quickly
Grass Informant
Grey Bar Hotel Prison
Had it away Escaped
HMP Her Majesty’s Prison/Her Majesty’sPleasure; an indeterminate sentence for young prisoners
Hooch Home brew
Horsebox Prison transport of a secure nature
HQ Headquarters
HSPSCB High Security Psychiatric Services Commissioning Board
Jail bird Ex-Convict who returns to prison
Jam role Parole
JR Judicial Review
JR’d Judges Remand
Judas hole/flap Spy hole in cell door for checking on prisoners without opening the door
Judge in Chambers Hearing in judge’s chambers, sometimes resulting in bail being granted
KB’d Knocked back for, refused something
Lag Convict
Lemon Nasty
Lifer Convict serving life imprisonment
Liquid cosh Injection of lardactyl, etc.
Make one Escape
Meat wagon Secure prison transport
Monster Evil person/sex case
Mule Person secreting drugs about their person and smuggling them into prison
MUFTI Squad Prison officers trained to handle unruly prisoners or riots (Minimum Use of Force and Tactical Intervention)
Nash on Hurry up
Nicked Put on report for committing an offence against prison rules
Nonce Sex case
Nutted off Sectioned off under the Mental Health Act
‘Now then’ A form of greeting
Old lag Old convict
Old school From the past with higher morals
One off A convict suicide/what a screw says when one con leaves the wing
Ov Where you are from
Pad Prison cell
Pad mate Cell-sharing prisoner
Paddy wagon Secure prison transport
Patches/Stripes Patches of bright yellow on a prisoner’s clothing to signify he is a former escapee
Pegger Smoker
Peter Cell (outside of prison it meant a ‘safe’)
POA Prison Officers Association
Porridge Serving time in prison
Puff Cannabis
QE Going Queen’s Evidence against your coaccused at trial
Receptions New prisoners entering prison regime
Recess The place where the sluice is, usually showers, sink, toilets, etc.
Segregation Unit (Seg Unit) prison within prison to keep you away from other prisoners
Served up Cut with a blade or served up punishment from a fellow con
Screw Prison officer – the crank machine, a form of useless labour, was introduced in the middle of t
he last century to make prison life tougher for those prisoners sentenced to hard labour. Male prisoners had to turn the handle 14,400 times a day, forcing four large cups or ladles through sand inside a drum. The number of revolutions was registered on the dial. The warder could make the task harder by tightening a screw, hence the slang word for prison warder
Shit and a shave/shit and a brek A short prison sentence
Shit up/dirty protest The act of covering yourself and your cell in your own excrement in protest over something
SHSA Special Hospitals Service Authority
Skin Cigarette rolling paper
Skin up Make a cigarette
Sky Pilot Vicar/Priest, etc.
Silent protest Not speaking a word
Slopping out The action of emptying a cell pot out into the sluice (outdated)
Smack Heroin
Smack-heads Junkies addicted to heroin
Snout Tobacco
Sorted Something’s been accomplished
Spin/turnover Have your cell searched by prison security
SSU Special Secure Unit
Stitched up Not being given your full quota of something
Strip cells Cells in which you were naked
SVO Special Visiting Order
Sweet Happy
Tailor-made Any branded cigarette
The Ones Ground floor cells
The Twos Cells on the first floor landing
Toe-to-toe Fight each other with fists
Top (guy) man Good person
Topped himself/herself Suicide
Turnkey Prison officer
Two and a brek Means two days and a morning left until release, etc.
Twos up Share your cigarette with me
Unlock Cell door opening to let convict out
UFF Ulster Freedom Fighter
VO Visiting Order
Wing A block full of cells
Wrapped up Tied up or taken care of
YP Young Prisoners