Mine, mine, mine
As I watch my best friend
Walk out
The door
Caught
I see them
Before I reach them
Asia and Kierra
Sitting on the tailgate
Of Asia’s truck
Kierra is smiling
Asia is talking
Her hands dancing
Drawing pictures in the air
To go with the story
She’s telling
I’m guessing they got done early
Opting to come out here
To sit in the parking lot sun
Rather than returning to the classes
They’d already been authorized
To miss
So how was it?
I ask
Trying to look like I have any idea
What the call was even about
Ignoring the way their conversation
Aborted
As soon as I approached
“It would have been awful if Asia hadn’t been there,” Kierra says.
“Yeah, right!” Asia rolls her eyes
tempers it with a smile
“No, really. I totally froze up,” Kierra says.
“At the beginning, but then you were fine.”
“Because you helped me through it.”
Kierra pushes off the tailgate with the palms of her hands
Tosses her bag over her shoulder
As her feet hit the ground
“I should get going, but thanks again, Asia.”
“You’re welcome. But seriously, stop thanking me.”
“Fine. See you, Rae,” she calls over her shoulder
As she darts away
Leaving me wondering
When she and I
Became nickname
Friendly
“So it looks like you made that call for nothing,” Asia says.
What call?
“Exactly.”
Asia slides off the tailgate
Walks around me
To the driver’s side door
Jingling her keys in her hand
“Let’s go.”
My left hand
Slides around
To my back
Fingers counting
Vertebrae
Ignoring the way
The earth slips
Beneath my feet
As another hole
Opens
Between me
And
My best
Friend
First One of the Year
“There’s my girl.”
I don’t have to be close enough to hear Dad
To know that’s what he’s saying
Forgetting that cowboys tip their hats
Instead of waving
Like he does now
Standing beside my uncle at the concession stand
With Blue tail-wag dancing around his legs
I toss Fancy’s saddle onto her back
Run the latigo through
Pull it snug
Wave back from the far side of the arena
My eyes swim
Seeing how proud Dad is
Knowing he’ll be here for it all
In the stands
With Alexi crawling all over him
My little cousins too
Running up and down the bleachers
Full of sugar and sun
Waiting through the bulls and the steers
To see me run
Because he’d never miss this
First rodeo of the year
I cup my hands to Fancy’s nostrils
She blows them warm
Limbers my fingers enough to untie her cotton lead from the trailer
Slide the bit in
Grab the saddle horn
Pull myself up and over
Into the saddle
This day
This life that maybe I don’t mind being born into
Waiting Game
Excitement starts to uncurl in my chest
Pushes my mouth into a smile
Runs through my legs
Happy energy that sends Fancy dancing around the trucks and trailers
Parked kitty-corner, crisscross, first-to-come, last-to-leave
Toward the arena where Cody, Asia, and Micah are waiting
Cody mounted up
Asia on the ground
Holding Scuba’s reins
As Micah pins Asia’s number to her back
Horses and the riders gathered at the gate
Where the talk starts to fly
This is what you do while you wait
Act like you don’t care
Sizing up the horses
Their riders
Pretend to stare at the tractor
That fills our noses with diesel
Raking and pulling the earth raw
Waiting
For the tractor to drag the arena smooth
Cody catches my elbow as I ride up
Pulls me over into a kiss
His red ball cap
Too lucky to take off
Switch out for a straw cowboy hat
Until just before his go
I lean back
Sit tight in my saddle
As he slides his hand down my arm
Over my elbow
Catches my hand
My eyes with that smile
That lets me know this game’s coming
Forever funny
A tender exchange turned tug-of-war
Our elbows lock
And we throw our weight into opposite stirrups
Arms stretched tight
Usually I can hold my own
But I whiplash toward Cody
Almost come off
He drops his hand
I laugh
He doesn’t
I should have stuck on
Been able to pull back
I know it
He felt it
Flinch
I wasn’t even thinking about the bruise
Didn’t even notice I had one
Until this morning
It was a shadow then
Darker now
Almost black
This bruise
The one Cody’s staring at
Asia’s seeing
Micah’s ignoring
“What did you do?” Cody asks.
I don’t know. I guess I banged my arm on something.
It sounds so stupid, but it’s true
I banged my wrist against the pantry door when I was going to feed Blue
But I didn’t hit it hard enough to get a bruise like this
I didn’t think I had
I get bruises a lot lately
Without even knowing
How
“Where are you going?” Cody calls after me as Fancy trots away.
I’ll be back.
My eyes fall to my right hand
Palm down on the saddle horn
To stare at the part I hope Cody didn’t see
The knuckle swollen and red
The half-moon bruise that shadows the back of my hand
The cuff of my coat slides down
It’s gone
Invisible
Quick quick quick
What I need is another sweatshirt
The one I forget to get after I see them
In the back of the brand-new Ford
All teal and chrome
Sitting side by side on the black plastic truck box
Sides warped wavy by heat and use
Just sitting
Staring out at the sky
Until Lacey sees me
Jumps over the side of the bed
Skip runs over
Full of giggles and smiles
Cowgirled up in her boots and vest
I lean off the saddle
Grab her hand in mine and pull her up—around—behind me
“My sister brought me. Just me and her,” Lacey says.
Tells me it’s all right if she goes
With me
We turn to leave
But I look
Wonder why Kierra isn’t cold
Sitting there without a coat
Proud girl gone
In the air that’s still sharp
Elbows on her knees
Forehead pressed into her hands
Eyes closed against the something
The everything
That isn’t there
Portend
The thing is
I need to get Fancy warmed up
Truly
I do
Because barrel racing
Comes right after
Team roping
So that’s what I’m doing
Long trotting her
Around the field
That stretches behind the pond
In back of the grandstand
Feeling the adrenaline
Pour through my veins
That always comes
Just before a run
Fancy is champing at the bit
Foam dripping from her lips
As we chase the shadow of a hawk
Across the grass
Laid flat
For haying
Perfect cover for the mouse
That somehow
The hawk can see
Dropping from the sky
Talons turned daggers
Skewering its midday meal
Without ever touching down
It feels like an omen
This bird
Diving toward the earth
But a portent of what?
That part
I don’t know
Fancy wants to move out
Transition from a trot
Into a lope
But I sit deep
Slow her to a walk
Still moving in the wrong direction
Away from the arena
Even though I can hear
Teams
Being called
First up
On deck
Ready to go
Static blurs the edges
Of the names as they funnel through the speakers
But I know Cody’s draw is toward the end
Giving him
Giving me
Plenty of time
To get in one more lap
An Accident
I’m trying to time it
So I don’t have to see
Cody and Kierra
Their horses loping around the arena
Shoulder to shoulder
Shimmying their ropes
In cotton-gloved hands
As they warm up
Rating the steers
Hoping they get one that moves out
But not too fast
But knowing I can’t miss
Cody’s first timed roping
Of the season
For some reason
It feels as if
I’ve been out here
Too long
Chasing shadows
Left leg against Fancy’s flank
Pushing her hindquarters around
We finish a figure-eight drill
Moving into a straight line
Back to the arena
Applause
Metal clanging
Horses in the box
Steers in the chute
“Next up—”
I can hear the speaker clearly now
“From Salida Springs—”
A kick and a kiss
Push Fancy into a lope
Slowing down as we hit the edge of the parking lot
Where the trucks and trailers are parked
Just in time to see
Justin and Ty ride
Not a bad run
Aside from the broken barrier
Their five-second penalty
Nothing as bad as mine
Because Cody and Kierra rode
Before them
Cooling down now
On the far side of the arena
Where Asia and Micah
Were waiting
Congratulating them
On the run
I didn’t see
Transparent
It is such a stupid thing to do
So transparent
But I don’t care
Fancy and I trot over to the truck
Where a cooler sits
In the bed
Filled with snacks
To grab a Coke
Before trotting over to the far side of the arena
Where Micah is standing
The other three mounted
Cody and Kierra sitting
Feet out of their stirrups
Reins looped around their horns
Relaxed
Unlike Asia
Fidgeting in the seat of her saddle
Adjusting
Readjusting her straw cowboy hat
Shading her eyes as she looks in the direction of the arena
Where the truck
With the trailer
Carrying the barrels
Is pulling in through the gate
I’m too close to them
To turn back
Before I realize my mistake
I should have brought three Cokes
because Asia won’t drink one
not before she rides
Instead of one
But what can I do
Now
“What’d you think of that head catch?” Cody asks
As I ride up and
Slide the Coke
Into his hand
“He turned that steer perfect, didn’t he?” Kierra grins
Saving me
Without even knowing it
“Where were you, anyway?” Cody asks.
It makes me feel good
To know he looked for me
But guilty
Because I wasn’t there
Back by the trailers.
Asia turns
Her attention pulled from the arena
By my words
Her expression is flat
And I know
She knows
I wasn’t there
“It was a hell of a run,” she says
Cutting me in half
With her eyes
I kick my foot out of my stirrup
Unbuckling the leather strap on my spur
Tightening it up a hole
Because it’s easier to look at the metal rowels
With prongs sharper than my conscience
Than at her
Cody pops his Coke open
Takes a sip
Before handing it to Kierra
Who smiles
Head
no longer in her hands
Like it had been
This morning
It’s not like I’d take a drink
Since it isn’t diet
But still
The fact he didn’t offer
Makes me mad
“Definitely the best time I’ve had in a while,” Kierra says. “Thanks to you.”
Taking a drink
Without even looking
At the calorie count
On the side
Of the can
“Give yourself credit,” Cody replies. “That was a nice heel.”
Kierra shrugs
Actually blushing
This whole love fest
Makes me
Sick
Asia picks up her reins
Turns Scuba on his hind
“Let’s do this,” she says
My cue to follow
Leaving Kierra and Cody
To share a Coke
Now that it’s my turn
To ride
I glance over my shoulder
As Fancy and I trot after Scuba and Asia
Realizing
As I look at them
Kierra and Cody
Sitting so easy
Side by side
That it’s hard to remember
Who I’m mad at
Is it her
Or is it
Me?
Feeling Dad’s Arms
Around my shoulders
Hearing his voice so proud
Makes me wish I could draw this victory out
Forever
Dad holds the buckle to the sky
The curlicue engraving catches the light
A picture of a girl on her horse
Hair flying as they turn a barrel
Just like Fancy and I did
We rode through the slack
Made the cut
Taking the final run faster than I thought we had
Until the announcer called out our time
An arena record
Leaner
Lighter
Faster
Mission accomplished
Cody and Dad are on either side of me
Talking over the top of my head to each other
Breaking the day into eight-second pieces
Laughing about the bad
Reliving the good
As we make our way around the arena
Trucks and trailers pull past
First to come
Last to leave
I don’t wave at anyone as they drive by
Can’t take my eyes off the belt buckle in my hands as we walk
If I stare at it
Hard enough
I can forget what it feels like to sit
With your forehead pressed into your hands
Eyes closed
Against the sadness
You don’t want to
Can’t talk