Will you blow those balloons up for me, Jim?
Jim:
He’s eighteen, Barb, not bloody eight.
Barbara:
Well, will you blow them up then, Twiggy?
Twiggy:
Yeah, yeah, no danger.
Jim:
When I was eighteen my old man took me for a bevvy and that was it.
Barbara:
Jim, they’re only a few balloons. We had ‘em for Denise, so we’re gonna have to have ‘em for our Antony.
Jim:
Balloons my arse. Pass ‘em over, will you. Twigg, pass them here. Tell you what, you never get a bloody minute to yourself in this house.
TWIGGY AND JIM BLOW UP THE BALLOONS IN SILENCE. BARBARA GOES OFF TO THE KITCHEN.
Jim:
I could do with a pair of bellows up my arse.
PAUSE.
Twiggy:
(HOLDS A ROUND BALLOON AT HIS BREAST) Ey, Jim, what does that remind you of?
THEY BOTH LAUGH CHILDISHLY.
Jim:
Beverly Macca.
Twiggy:
Correct.
JIM PLACES A LONG BALLOON AT HIS CROTCH.
Jim:
Twiggy, what about this one. Oh nurse, what time’s my operation?
THEY CONTINUE BLOWING UP BALLOONS. JIM PASSES A BALLOON TO TWIGGY TO TIE UP
Jim:
Here you are, Twigg. Do that. I tell you what, it takes it out of you this, doesn’t it?
Twiggy:
(HANGS A LONG ONE WITH TWO ROUND ONES EITHER SIDE) Ey, Jim.
Jim:
(OF RUDE BALLOONS) Leave that like that. It’ll bloody annoy Norma.
Twiggy:
Is she coming?
Jim:
Oh yeah. She’s off tonight – it’s not Hallowe’en is it?
TWIGGY AND JIM CONTINUE TO BLOW BALLOONS.
Twiggy:
So your Antony’s bringing his bird, eh?
Jim:
Oh aye, it’ll only last five minutes. She’ll soon suss out the lazy-arse sod.
Twiggy:
Eh, d’you remember Denise’s eighteenth? That went off big style didn’t it?
Jim:
That was great.
DOORBELL GOES.
Jim:
Barbara! ‘Ere y’are Twigg.
BALLOON FLIES OFF.
Twiggy:
Oh, you’re bleeding useless, you are, Jim.
Barbara:
(OOV): Oh, hiya, Darren. Come in. You all right? It’s Darren.
Twiggy:
Hello, Darren. How’s it going?
Darren:
All right, thanks.
Barbara:
Would you like a lager, Darren?
Darren:
Oh, yeah please.
Barbara:
Ah. Sit down.
Jim:
All right, Darren? What d’you know, lad?
Darren:
Nowt really.
Jim:
When’s your court case?
Darren:
A week on Thursday.
Jim:
You’ll be all right won’t you. Is it your first offence?
Darren:
No.
Jim:
What d’you think of your chances?
Darren:
Dunno really.
Jim:
Have you got a good solicitor?
Darren:
No.
BIG PAUSE
DOORBELL GOES.
Jim:
Get that will you, Barb. (PAUSE) You don’t get a bloody minute in this house.
Barbara:
(OOV): Hello, Mam.
Nana:
(OOV): Hello, Barbara.
Denise:
(OOV): Hiya, Mam.
Barbara:
(OOV): Denise, you look lovely.
Denise:
You look lovely, Mam.
Barbara:
Hello, Dave. You look lovely.
DENISE, DAVE AND NANA WALK IN, FOLLOWED BY BARBARA.
Jim:
Hello, Norma. How nice to see you again.
Twiggy:
‘Ere y’are, love. Sit here, love.
THEY MOVE THE BALLOONS.
Denise:
Hiya, Dad.
Jim:
Hello, love.
Dave:
All right, Darren?
Jim:
All right, Dave?
Dave:
Hiya, Jim. Yeah.
Denise:
Is Antony not here?
Jim:
Not yet.
Nana:
(TO DARREN) Which one are you?
Barbara:
This is Darren, Mam. Would you like a drink, Dave?
Dave:
I’ll have lager please, Barbara.
Barbara:
Denise?
Anything, ta.
Barbara:
Mam, would you like a drink?
Nana:
No, I’d better not. Go on then. I’ll have a sherry, love.
Denise:
Has nobody got no music on or nowt?
Jim:
It’s broke. Don’t worry. I’ll get the banjo out in a minute.
Barbara:
Oh, leave off that thing, Jim! We don’t want Emma thinking we’re the Beverly Hillbillies.
Dave:
‘Deliverance’, you mean.
JIM LAUGHS AND SINGS THE TUNE. BARBARA PASSES NANA A DRINK.
Barbara:
Here y’are, Mam.
Nana:
Oh ta, love.
Barbara:
How are you Denise? Had a nice day?
Denise:
Yeah.
Dave:
She’s spent most of it doing her hair.
Denise:
It is a party, Dave.
Barbara:
It’s a party, Dave. (PAUSE) Oooh, Darren, is your mam all right?
Darren:
Yeah.
Barbara:
I heard she was in hospital.
Darren:
Oh yeah – she is, yeah.
Barbara:
Ah, your poor mam. What’s up with her?
Darren:
I’m not quite sure really.
Barbara:
Oooh, do they not know what it is then?
Darren:
I dunno.
Barbara:
Aaah, give her my love won’t you?
Darren:
Yeah.
JIM WATCHES BARBARA PUTTING UP DECORATIONS.
Jim:
Are you keeping that straight, Barb?
Barbara:
Oh, Jim, put your shoes on. We don’t want a whiff of ‘em feet.
Denise:
They smell like Stilton, them. And ‘ey, Dad, when Emma’s here, if you go for a wee, shut the toilet door.
Barbara:
And don’t pick your arse.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, I may as well just go and sit in the bleedin’ shed.
DARREN LAUGHS.
DOOR GOES.
Jim:
Get that door, Barb.
Denise:
That’ll be Antony with Emma.
ANTONY AND EMMA ARRIVE.
Barbara:
Hello, love. Hello, Emma.
DAVE, DENISE, JIM, BARBARA, TWIGGY AND NANA ALL SING THE WHOLE OF ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’.
Barbara:
(KISSES ANTONY) Happy Birthday.
Antony:
This is Emma.
Denise:
Oooh.
Barbara:
We’re very pleased to meet you Emma. We’ve heard a lot about you. Oh, you don’t know who everyone is, do you. That’s Denise – she’s Antony’s sister.
Denise:
Hiya.
Emma:
Hiya.
Barbara:
And this is David -Antony
’s sister’s husband.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, Barb, it’s not This Is Your Life.
Barbara:
Oh, shut up, Jim. That’s Jim – Antony’s father.
Emma:
Hello, Mr Royle.
Barbara:
You know Darren, don’t you?
Emma:
Yeah, you all right Darren?
Darren:
All right.
Barbara:
This is Nana.
Nana:
Hello, love.
Emma:
Hello.
Barbara:
And there’s Twiggy.
Emma:
Right.
Jim:
Sit yourself down, love.
Barbara:
Ooh, I’ll get you a chair.
JIM HANDS ANTONY THE PRESENT.
Jim:
There y’go, Lurch.
Antony:
Sound.
ANTONY OPENS IT – IT’S A SOVEREIGN RING.
Darren:
That’s well smart. Nice one.
Antony:
Look at that, ey?
ANTONY PUTS IT ON.
Nana:
Oh, it does suit you, Antony.
Antony:
(TO DARREN. MOCK FAST SHOW CHARACTERS) Suits you, sir.
Darren:
Suits you, sir. D’you want it, sir?
Antony:
Do you, sir?
Darren:
Do you want it, sir? Do you?
Nana:
Course he wants it – it’s his birthday present.
Dave:
D’you know Patrick who owns Jazzbo’s? He’s got three of them sovereigns on his hand in a row there. (HOLDS HIS FINGERS UP) See there? Looks top.
Barbara:
Oooh, Emma, would you like a drink?
Emma:
Erm, well, I’m driving – so just an orange please.
Barbara:
Oh, I don’t think I’ve got any orange. Would you like some Vimto?
Emma:
Er, I’m all right thanks.
Barbara:
Help yourself to the buffet. Can I get you a ham sandwich?
Emma:
Oh, no thank you, I’m a vegetarian.
Barbara:
Ooh, can I do you a Dairylea instead?
Emma:
No, honestly, I’m fine thank you.
Barbara:
She can have Dairylea, can’t she, Denise?
Denise:
Yeah.
Nana:
What is she?
Denise:
She’s a vegetarian, Nana.
Nana:
Oooh, you could have a bit of cheese though. Have you got some cheese, Barbara? Oh, Emma, it’s a shame for you.
Jim:
Look, if she doesn’t want anything, she doesn’t want any. Leave the girl alone.
Antony:
She’s all right.
Jim:
That’s a belting little car that, love. What does your Dad drive?
Nana:
Could you have some wafer-thin ham? Could she have wafer-thin ham, Barbara?
Barbara:
No.
Nana:
Ooh, do you know, we’ve heard nothing from Antony but Emma, Emma, Emma. It’s the first time I’ve known Antony courting.
Denise:
Nana, don’t be saying that.
Nana:
Is your nana still alive, Emma?
Emma:
Yeah.
Nana:
Does she live with you?
Emma:
No.
Nana:
Emma, Emma, I’ve had my cataracts done. And if you’d’ve come here two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to see you.
Emma:
Why?
Nana:
Because I had this patch on my eye. It’s a very serious operation. But I don’t say anything. I was very well looked after here – I didn’t want to go home.
Jim:
What did you say your dad’s motor was, love?
Emma:
A BMW.
Antony:
I thought he had that four-wheel drive.
Emma:
No, that’s my mum’s.
JIM RUBS HIS FINGERS TOGETHER AND MOUTHS ‘TWO CARS’ TO DAVE.
PAUSE.
Barbara:
I’ll get a little drink.
Dave:
Did you know that Denise was pregnant?
Emma:
No, I didn’t.
Dave:
Yeah, we’re having a baby.
Emma:
Yeah? Congratulations.
Denise:
Aah. Thanks, Emma. Mam! Antony’s never even told Emma that I’m pregnant.
Barbara:
Oh.
Nana:
She didn’t know about my cataracts either.
Barbara:
Antony, get Emma a Wagon Wheel.
ANTONY GOES TO THE KITCHEN.
Denise:
I can smell something in here.
Barbara:
I’ve told him to put his shoes on.
Jim:
It’s not me.
Denise:
Can you smell it?
Barbara:
Ooh, that smells like dog muck.
Nana:
‘Muck for luck!’
Barbara:
Who’s brought that in? Is that you, Darren?
Darren:
Don’t know.
Barbara:
Well have a look. Somebody’s walked it in.
EVERYONE LOOKS AT THEIR SHOES.
Barbara:
Is there anything there, Jim?
Jim:
No.
Dave:
Oh no – I think it’s me. Sorry, Emma.
Emma:
You’re all right.
Denise:
Dave! Take it off, you big clown. Oh, I’m so sorry Emma.
Dave:
I’ll leave it on to dry, then it’ll be easier to get off.
Denise:
Oh, Mam, will you get his shoe off him.
Nana:
‘Muck for luck.’
Antony:
Sorry, Emma.
Dave:
Sorry, Emma.
Barbara:
What a thing to happen. I am sorry, Emma.
Emma:
It’s all right.
Barbara:
I bet this never happens at your house, does it?
Nana:
(TO DARREN) Is your nana still alive, Gary?
Denise:
Nana, it’s Darren.
Darren:
Yeah.
Nana:
Does she live with you, Darren?
Darren:
No.
Jim:
Oh well, I’ll have to nip upstairs. I’ve got a turtle’s head in me underpants.
DARREN LAUGHS.
Denise:
Dad!
JIM GOES UP TO THE LOO.
BARBARA IS IN THE KITCHEN, WASHING DAVE’S SHOE AT THE SINK. MARY, JOE AND CHERYL COME IN THE BACK DOOR.
Mary:
Only us!
Barbara:
Hiya, Mary. Hiya, Cheryl. Oh, you look nice. Hello, Joe.
Joe:
Hello, Barbara.
JOE AND CHERYL GO THROUGH TO THE LIVING ROOM.
MARY STAYS IN THE KITCHEN WITH BARBARA.
Mary:
Is Emma here?
Barbara:
Oh, yes.
Mary:
What’s she like?
Barbara:
She’s a really lovely girl – she’s a vegetarian though.
Mary:
Ah well, it’s happened to a lot of them.
Barbara:
Yeah, ooh, I’m trying to get this off Dave’s shoe.
Mary:
&nb
sp; Dog dirt.
Barbara:
Yeah. (PAUSE) Do you know, Mary, I’ve had a whole day of it today – Jim’s been so miserable, and now this has happened.
Mary:
I know, but isn’t it a good job that we can laugh at it?
Barbara:
Oh, yeah.
Mary:
Oh, er, did you notice anything funny about Joe? I think he’s a bit drunk.
Barbara:
Ooh.
Mary:
He was at a bowling club do.
Barbara:
Oh, ho ho.
Mary:
Oh, we’ve put a tenner in Antony’s card.
Barbara:
Aah. Oh Mary, you shouldn’t have.
Mary:
So hard to know what to get them.
Barbara:
Oh yeah. Well, they’re not babies anymore.
Mary:
I know. Isn’t it awful? They’re all grown up. My Cheryl’s the same.
Barbara:
Mary, will you do me a little favour? When you go in there, will you have a little smell round for me. Tell me if you can still smell anything untoward.
Mary:
I will Barbara. I’m a great one for smelling anything.
Barbara:
Oh, thanks Mary.
ANTONY IS UNWRAPPING CHERYL’S PRESENT. IT’S A STEREOPHONICS CD.
Twiggy:
Pies are great, Dave.
Antony:
Cheers, Cheryl.
Twiggy:
Where did you get that, Cheryl? I can get you anything like that, you know.
Cheryl:
Now you tell me.
Twiggy:
Have you got enough there, Dave?
Dave:
Well, she’s not done me any tea, has she?
Joe:
Ey, Darren, Darren…er…I want to tell you something. I saw Bob Carter – I haven’t seen him for fifteen years and I saw him today. He grew up on our street, then he moved…Bury way, I think it was. I haven’t seen him for fifteen years and, bugger me, he turned up at the bowling club.
Darren:
Very good, Joe.
Barbara:
(RETURNING WITH DAVE’S SHOE) Dave – nice and clean.
Dave:
Thanks, Barbara.
Barbara:
Mam, do you want something to eat?
Nana:
Can I have something to drink, love, please and just a bit to eat.
Barbara:
All right. Not a lot. Okay.
Nana:
Have you got something cheesey?
Barbara:
Oh, I have.
Mary:
(TO TWIGGY) Don’t be giving Joe any more drink, he’s had enough.
Twiggy:
Has he heck.
Mary:
Ooh, happy birthday, Antony – and this must be Emma.
Emma:
Hiya.
Mary:
Aah, so many new names for you! Just remember we’re Mary and Joseph – like in the Bible. But we’ve got Cheryl, not Jesus.
Joe:
Image of his brother. Had his leg taken off in the Sixties, his brother.
Barbara:
Ooh.
Joe:
Hell of a nice fella though. Never bothered him about his leg.
Barbara:
Aah. Didn’t it?
PASSES DRINK TO MARY.
Mary:
Thanks, love.
Barbara:
Here y’are, Mam.
JIM COMES BACK DOWN PLAYING THE BANJO.