"Bertha Moon?"
"Yep!" Sander grinned. "That's her real name." So I
took the bait and asked him to tell me the story of Ole
Montgomery Hansen and Bertha Moon.
"Bertha was this really rich lady and her husband
had died," Sander began. "Uncle Ole heard that Bertha
Moon was going to Jylland to stay with her sister, so he
decided to be a burglar to her house."
"Tell him about the dog!" Jannik insisted.
"I will! Hold on!" Sander laughed. "So, he breaks
into her house and he takes a lot of things—expensive
candleholders, some jewels, a television, and some meat
from her ice chest..."
"Meat?"
"Yes! Steaks and some chickens and bacon..."
"It likes he goes to the supermarket!" Jannik added.
"So now he have two big problems," Sander
continued. "He gots all of this stuff, but he don't ever
think about how he carries it home."
"What was the other problem?" I asked.
"The dog!" Jannik exclaimed.
"Yes, the dog," Sander said. "So he comes from her
bedroom and he meets her big, huge mastiff. That dog was
bigger than he was."
"So what happened?"
"Well, that dog was usual a really mean dog, and
anybody else that dog would have ate up. But not Ole!"
Sander said.
"Did he give it some of the meat, or something?"
"No!" Jannik chimed in. "It was all of it freezed! If
he even want to, he can't because it was like ice, all of it!"
Sander explained that Ole simply made friends
with the massive canine, "Like Ole always do with
everybody! You will think that dog was his from a puppy."
Sander continued. "So now he has to leave with all of his
loot, but what's he to do?"
"Tell him about the wagon!" Jannik laughed.
"So he finds a child's wagon in Bertha's garden; a
big one with wood around it, you know? And he puts all
of the loot in the wagon and heads to the door. But now
the dog want to go with him!" Sander told me. "So he gets
the idea, and he get a rope from the clothes hanger out in
the garden and makes a—uh, I don't know what it's called,
but they put them on horses around their nose..."
"A bridle," I said.
"Yes! And then he hook it to the wagon and start to
walk home with the dog pulling the wagon of loot. And he
think nobody will say anything about a funny looking man
with a mastiff who pulls a child's wagon full of candlestick
holders!" Sander said.
"Wow..."
"Just... Wow!" Jannik agreed.
Ingrid described how the police rolled up behind
Ole and his new canine accomplice, and started to get out
of their car to question him. "That dog growled at the
policemen and then barked at them and made a run to get
at them."
"Yes! And when he turns around, everything falls
out of the wagon, and it tips over and now the dog is
dragging the wagon and making mean faces to the police,"
Sander laughed. "So they run back into their car and it is
like from that movie, Cujo! The dog is making slobber all
over the windows, and there's no way he gonna let the
cops to get Ole!"
"So what happened?"
Jannik stood up and started acting out the story. He
cupped his hand like a loudspeaker and in a deep, official-
sounding voice said, "Ole! You must make your dog mind
his manners! Tell your dog to sit down and shut up or
there will be hell to pay!" Then came the funny part: Jannik
said the police were so flummoxed by Ole and the dog,
that they just gave up and told him to meet them at the
police station in an hour. Then they drove away.
"So the next day Ole is in the court with the judge.
He admit everything, and of course they have called
Bertha Moon and she is there too. She look at Ole right in
the eyes, real mean, and she want him to go to the prison
forever. She say they shall throw away the key! But when
it came time for Ole to say why he do it, he make her feel
very sorry for him. And she say to forget it, and next day
he is home again!"
"I can't believe it!" I exclaimed. "No way!"
"Oh, but you don't hear the end yet!" Sander
continued. "A week after he is out of the jail she call him
on the telephone and ask for him to go out for drinks with
her!"
"NO!"
"I promise! Yes! And then six month after they get
married and she become Mrs. Hansen Number Four,"
Sander said. I glanced over at Magda and Niels in
complete disbelief.
"So now you've met my brother, and your future
Aunt Bertha," Niels chuckled. "And maybe he will make it
to your wedding, or maybe not. Depending on what he
gets up to around Christmas."
"I think that's his biggest working time," added
Ingrid. "And you know, we always liked the presents he
got us when we were little kids, but now I wonder how
many children believed that Santa Claus forgot about them
when they have nothing waiting under their Christmas
trees!" Ingrid laughed.
"Every family has an Uncle Ole," I said.
"I don't know, Ole's more one-of-a-kind than what
most families have, I think," Magda declared. "I know I
always count the forks and spoons before he goes home."
"So that's Uncle Ole," Sander said.
"And for Christmas I ask him for a radio control
car!" added Jannik. "It's cheap! It will just cost him three
month in the prison! He shall get it for me, I think."
We erupted in laughter and enjoyed each other
well past the dessert and the coffees. The aroma of the
coffee took me back to that first morning Sander stopped
at my apartment. He was looking for his school mate,
Georg. Then my friends, Emil and Jonas, arrived with
fresh rolls and Danishes. I was chided by my buddies for
not having any coffee brewing, so Sander and Georg made
a run to the corner bodega and picked up a couple kilos of
the stuff.
Sander reached for my hand and held it while we
all wound down from the wonderful time spent together
on that wet night. By the time we were ready to leave, little
Jannik wore a sleepy face, and Sander had moved our
entwined fingers to a certain American's crotch. Some
things never change. They'd better not!
Chapter 3
e stayed the night in Sander's old room at the
family home. This was the exact room where he'd
W lost his virginity with some guy named Anders.
Weird.
Jannik got it in his head that he was going to camp
out with us, and we didn't mind. We shanghaied Ingrid
into a game of Cards Against Humanity, and had a blast as
the rain pelted the skylight overhead.
"You has to answer the question whit the truth,
okay?" Jannik demanded. "If you don't, it will be the music
that you face!"
"Kiss my big white butt," Sander replied.
"That is for him to do, not me, asshole!" Jannik
laughed, tossing a stray domino at me.
"You sound like silly children," Ingrid said. "Are we
to play, or not?"
Ingrid was the one who had pooped last—
yes, that's how you determine who starts the game—so she
drew a black card that said, and I quote, "If you can't
handle__________,
you'd
better
stay
away
from__________." So who won the first round? Jannik,
with his white card answers: "If you can't handle Moses
gargling Jesus's balls while Mohammed and the Buddha
penetrate his divine hand holes, you'd better stay away from
poorly timed Holocaust jokes."
The fun went on for a couple of hours and ended
when Sander won with, "When all else fails, I can always
masturbate to Grandpa's ashes. " Gross as that image is, I
guess it's better than jacking off to poorly timed Holocaust
jokes. Yep! Cards Against Humanity: Fun for three lunatic
Danes and one sick-in-the-head American!
"I don't want to sleep!" Jannik grumbled. "I don't go
to the school tomorrow, and you say I can come over to
your house at the weekend. It's the weekend!"
"I did not say that, you little criminal!" Sander
protested. "You make it up!"
"I did not make it up! You say I can come and that
you takes me for to watch a film at Café Biografen. This is
what you say!"
"Nej, nej lille bror..."
"Yes!"
"Nope!"
"Du er bare en liggende løgner, der konstant ligger ud af
dit liggende løgner hul!" Jannik shouted. Since they were
bouncing back and forth between English and Danish, I'd
missed what Jannik had said to his brother. Whatever it
was, Ingrid completely lost it, laughing hysterically at the
little guy.
"Boy, he's hot under the collar! What'd he say?" I
asked.
"He says to me," Sander answered, "You are just a
lying liar that constantly lies out of your lying liar hole!"
"God, Pokey, a classic has just been born! That's the
funniest fucking description-expression-talking—er, uh,
yelling point—I think I've ever heard in my whole life! Well
done, Jannik!"
"See! Johnnie say I can go, right Johnnie?"
"I got no problem with it."
"But... You know..." Sander said, pleading. Oh! I get
it now... Sander wanted to make sure that nothing would
get in the way of... you know.
"You did promise him," Ingrid said. "I heard you."
"Okay. I know when I'm beat. You can come,"
Sander smiled. "But you have to do what I say, and you
can't always ask Johnnie for everything, because you know
he is a weakling and will always say yes to you. Got it?"
"Hey!" I objected.
"Oh, Johnnie, for fuck sake you know it's true.
Don't lie out of your lying liar hole," Sander scolded me
with a grin. "Admit your weakness!"
"Whatever."
A LITTLE WHILE LATER we were snuggled up on the big
and comfy mattress on the floor. Looking up at the
skylight, I saw the large beam across the ceiling where
Sander had once wrapped the rope he'd intended to use to
end his young life. He was having a bad time—he had
been cruelly outed, and his classmates had turned on him.
And the boy he was in love with broke his heart and
declared that he wanted nothing more to do with him. If
Jannik hadn't found him and gone for help, I wouldn't be
here lying beside him.
He turned and faced me with his cute I want sex
now face. Hey, who was I to refuse those big blue eyes?
"On your mark," I said, "get set... Go!"
He grabbed my package and made a circular
motion which brought it to full attention in no time at all.
Then he switched hands and slowly started jacking my
dick. He was already in the buff, so there were no
interruptions caused by the kicking off of clothes. He does
this thing where he stops and squeezes just under my head
before he continues the upward motion. Then, as his hand
glides downward, he puts perfect pressure on the head
which sends me shivers. What a lover he is. The difficult
part of having sex with Sander Lars Hansen is that you
spend every second trying not to cum too fast—he's that
good.
Sometimes we go at it full bore. For hours on end
we'll do every position and technique that the human male
form can accommodate. Other times we'll just hold each
other. Sometimes we just have a mutual jack-off session.
We don't come to our bed with any preconceived, must-do
checklists between us. We just each do what we need to do
to please the other, and we find that it all works out. We
have never had a bad sex session ever. I think it's because
of the love and respect we genuinely feel for one another.
Here's a funny one: I came at the same time that a
big thunder roll boomed across the sky. It would have
been poetic if it wasn't so damned funny—we both broke
out in massive laughter.
"Fuck! I must be pretty good, yes?" Sander joked.
"I dunno, Pokey! Maybe it's the wrath of God
warning us to change our wicked homo ways. He might
make it fall off. Then what would you do?"
"Go to the bodega and buy some Crazy Glue, what
do you think I shall do?" he laughed.
"I love you, fuckhead."
"Jeg elsker kun dig for altid," he said, which means
that he loves me always. Hearing it said in his language
after, we fell asleep as the rain continued its rhythmic
dance above our heads.
THE NEXT MORNING WE HEARD SLOW, clumsy steps
coming up the steep wooden staircase. The door creaked
open, revealing a pair of little hands loaded to the gills
with bowls, spoons, a box of cereal, and a jug of milk.
"Shine and rise because the breakfast boy is here,"
Jannik announced, kicking the door closed with the back of
his foot. "I bring energy for my brothers who takes me for
this weekend!"
"It shall take more than cereal to keep up with you,
I think," Sander said.
"Good morning brother number one; good morning
brother number two."
"Good morning slave! Give me my breakfast or
your head goes rolling down the stairs," Sander teased.
"I kick your ass and wipe you off my shoe before
you can do this, I promise! Here, eat if you know what's
best for you. You too, Johnnie Rocket!" Jannik said, setting
up a little breakfast campground around our bed. "You
shall get yours first, Johnnie, because Sander from Randers
will eat a whole box of this in one time. This I have seen! I
calls him the cereal killer."
"Aaaggghhh! Now who gots the lying liar hole?"
"Not me! You eat up all the cereal and you drink all
of the Cokes, and you know that you do, so give it up."
"So that's where all the Cokes go," I said. "Now it
all makes sense!"
"You both can go to Sweden where they might care.
I'm having my breakfast," Sander smiled. "And then we'll
see where the day takes us, yes?"
"Yes!" Jannik exclaimed with delight. For him this
was big, being able to have a boys' weekend out with his
brothers—and that's exactly how he saw me; I was just
another part of his family. And he felt secure in our
company, knowing how much we both loved him. Of
course, that was nothing he ever could or would admit to,
but then that's part of being a brother—everything can be
left unsaid, because why say what you already know?
"What will we do today, brother? Have you some
ideas?" Jannik began.
"Well, cowboy, I thought maybe you can figure all
of that out and then we'll see what will happen," Sander
said. "You got any ideas, Johnnie Bond?"
"I'm just the chauffer! I'm happy with anything.
What do you wanna do, Jan?"
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"Well..." Jannik repeated.
" Okay, we're listening," Sander smiled.
"Can we go to the duty free shopping center in
Flensborg because..."
"Get this! He wants to go to Germany!"
"Listen...listen! I want to buy some Legos because
they is cheaper there than here. It piss me off when we
make Legos in Danmark, but I has to buy them from the
Germans to save almost thirty percent. Pokey, don't you
see? I has to have Legos!" Jannik pleaded.
"Why can't you be like a normal kid and play
Minecraft or buy violent video games , for helvede!" Sander
asked. "And don't ask Johnnie because you know he will
only say yes."
The room went still except for the sound of the
steady wind outside. No one said a thing. Sander just
quietly worked on his bowl of cereal. I just stared at the
Danish stand-off. After about a minute of this silliness,
Jannik broke the silence.
"Johnnie?"
"Yes, Jannik?"
"Has you ever go to Germany before?"
"Hey! What I tell you?" Sander exclaimed.
"I don't ask him if we can go to Germany, King
Majesty Sander! I only ask him if he ever go there before!"
"Bet you didn't know we have a lawyer in the
family," Sander sighed. "Sometimes you can be too much,
Jannik Hansen. Even for me."
"Okay..."
THE DRIVE TO GERMANY took a little over three hours,
and since it was a Friday before a major football match, the
car park was jammed with duty free beer buyers; some