I tightened my arm around her, pressing us together.
Her lips were so soft.
I opened my mouth wanting to take her in, but she let out a tiny gasp and backed up.
“Erik. I can’t.”
She stood and was back in the house before I could process how I’d gone from kissing her to sitting in the freezing cold by myself.
I messed up.
She wasn’t ready.
I let out a sigh and waited a few more seconds to give her time to leave. I didn’t want to run into her again.
I counted to ten and stood. Chloe was still in the kitchen. When I walked in, she gave me a sympathetic look.
I nodded and walked to the door. She said goodbye for both of us and followed me silently to the car.
“Something happen?”
I nodded.
“And it didn’t go well?”
I nodded.
She sighed. “Give her time.”
I planned to. I knew her limit now, and I wouldn’t push her again. But I wasn’t giving up.
Chapter Fifteen
I hated myself.
How could I let that happen? I did let it happen. As much as I wanted to blame it entirely on Erik, I couldn’t. I made the first move. He responded to me.
I shook my head and laid down on the guest bed in one of the spare rooms. The one I’d deemed mine in my mind. It was a good thing I’d told Clark I was sleeping here because I couldn’t face him tonight.
What was I going to tell him? I cheated. I was a cheater. I hadn’t meant for it to go that far. I was upset and Erik was there. He was always there. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, he was around. But I shouldn’t have let that happen. I’m not that kind of girl. Relationships mattered to me. Trust mattered. Clark trusted me to be faithful and I let him down.
Shame washed over me in a heavy wave.
I couldn’t even be mad at Erik. I couldn’t blame him, even if it were an easy out. I knew he was interested in me. He hadn’t tried to keep that a secret, and I kept putting myself in positions with him that led to this. I leaned forward. I know I did.
I let out a sigh and wished for a way out.
But what did I want out of? Out of responsibility? Out of trouble?
I didn’t want to admit it. Not even to myself. But that wasn’t fair. If I wasn’t in this one hundred percent then I shouldn’t be in it at all. Clark and I both deserved that.
I couldn’t stay with him out of obligation. I couldn’t stay because I felt bad he moved here. It had been his idea first. We both benefitted from the move. He got a better position with more opportunity and I got to be closer to my parents.
He would hold it over me, though. I knew he would. He’d remind me of how much he sacrificed for me to be here. But I was the one sacrificing. I was in a relationship by myself. He’d tell me he was working so much to make a better future for us, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I would rather be broke and in love than rich and miserable.
That was it.
I decided.
I would talk to him. I had to.