I closed my eyes hoping to find your room once more, but also dreading it! Because I shouldn't see what I saw, for I, was an intruder!
Chapter 3: Beauty in the Breakdown
She says she fine
Her heads on straight
She knows where she's going
She doesn't realize
I see the cracks
Hidden under the surface
She pretends her smile
Though her eyes deceive
Her body speaks the truth
I see the pain hidden there
I see the glaring truth
Beauty in the breakdown
It’s what I see when I look at her
The bloods already spilt
Her body's waiting for the hurt
Beauty in the breakdown
Tears on the floor
She has finally lost the battle
Doesn’t want to go on anymore
Yesterday’s dreams
They have not passed
Work is only a chore
She doesn't know
Where she’s going
She has no more open doors
This is not the path she envisioned
When she was young growing old
There was no pain of failure
Only glorious made roads
Beauty in the breakdown
It’s what I see when I look at her
The bloods already spilt
Her body's waiting for the hurt
Beauty in the breakdown
Tears on the floor
She has finally lost the battle
Doesn’t want to go on anymore
How does she carry on
Living her life a lie
Pretending every day
That everything is good
That everything is fine
Though everything is just pain
She's very close to the end
Cannot go on no more
She wants it all just to stop
To close her eyes one night
And not wake up on the morrow
Beauty in the breakdown
It’s what I see when I look at her
The bloods already spilt
Her body's waiting for the hurt
Beauty in the breakdown
Tears on the floor
She has finally lost the battle
Doesn’t want to go on anymore
Chapter 4: The Woman
"Hello," he spoke, "I've meant to come to talk to you for awhile, I'm sorry it took so long," as he spoke he played with the stem of the rose now on his lap. "I would like to speak, say what’s on my mind, my heart." He looked up as he said the last looking for agreement, with a nod of his head he continued.
"I've been dreaming of you recently, I don't know what started it! I don't know if being up at the lake brought it all back, but it probably did. Do you remember when we were kids, and our families spent holidays together up there? The beautiful days, the warm lake water, the clear evenings spent walking on the path around the point, us hand in hand, grinning at one another, your brother and sister always in tow." He laughed quietly lost in the thoughts of the past, "I miss that!"
A bird called its lonely call as it crossed overhead and he watched it pass before returning to look at her. "I remember when you decided to go to a different school, I was sad that I wouldn't finally get to see you every day, but that’s how things went. I did remember watching you when your school came to ours to play volleyball. I was entranced watching you play and was lost in your vision, my focus not on the game, but on you! I always loved watching you at play, you always seemed to excel at what ever you tried, be it water skiing, soccer, hockey, you were good at them all." Again, the rose stem was played with in his hands and he held the rose to his nose briefly taking in its scent, his eyes closed. "I remember our first kiss! Your mother bringing you to work with her so we could spend time together. Us walking all day, following the creek to the beaver dams, finding a log to sit on above the snaking of the water and the dams below us. I was so nervous, but I remember it as if it were yesterday!" Shaking his head, "I know, I know that’s pathetic, thinking of an event that happened twenty years ago, but that was the beginning for me."
He got up, his back to her, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come you don't need to hear this its been so long." Again he turned back to her, "I need to tell you this though, for me, I'm sorry if this hurts you, its something I need to do! Can you understand that? I know nothing can happen but I think it needs to be out there."
He walked now, almost pacing as he spoke. "Do you remember when I began visiting you when you lived in the house just up behind ours? I had so many hopes there, I know I never said so, but that was the best part of my days. I would be at college all day, and then I looked forward to the drive home, anticipating the double beat of my heart whenever I first saw you. We would talk for hours, and oh, how I wanted to take you in my arms, hold you, kiss you. After that time we never saw each other again, at least until now. Why didn't we continue? I don't know, maybe I feared you rejecting me, maybe I feared you accepting me! That was what I always wanted, but our lives moved forward, different, me starting a family, thinking I found love, and you, well, you went your way and now here we are."
He sat back down on the bench his head down tears forming in his eyes. "Would it have made a difference if I told you, would we be here today? I don't know, who can say, but I'm here now, single but late!" Tears streamed down his face freely now, "When they told me, a part of me died! I want you to know that because what you need to understand is this, I loved you! All my heart was yours and had been since that first kiss, back then I never saw a future without you in it. You were my world and I never told you! I was a scared boy, scared young man, afraid of the outcome! But I should have told you," he sobbed. "I should have told you! Would we have taken different paths? Who knows, I would like to think so, but also afraid that it would have. It means I could have stopped you from taking your own life!"
He fell to his knees, the rose dropping beside him, his head in his hands. Sobs choked up his throat and he cried for her, cried like he wanted to when he was first told of her death, his body shook with each sob and his shoulders quivered in pain in hate, for not telling her. Time passed, and the sky started to deepen in blue as the sun sank lower. Finally, he composed himself and he picked up the rose from the ground, turning he looked at the tombstone, read the words across its face, his eyes followed the ground where she lay. Once more he went to his knees, this time beside her, he placed the rose on the ground above her. His hand stayed on the ground as if feeling her and he stayed that way for a time, "I'm sorry," he whispered before getting up and walking away from her, across the expanse of finely manicured grass, and out of the graveyard not stopping to look back. He wasn't sure if it did anything to relieve his or her pain, but he was glad he finally told her, though it be to late.
Chapter 5: I Hear
I hear him on the street
I hear him at the store
I hear him whisper quietly
I hear him at my door
His voice is very raspy
His tongue forms my name
His eyes are searching for me
His body speaks no game
I know it’s almost up
I know I have no hope
I know he's finally come for me
I don't know how to cope
My time here is done
My body is so frail
My mind has accepted
&
nbsp; My body's finally failed
I am not afraid
I do not run in fear
I know its time to go
I will not shed a tear
Chapter 6: Filling Me
I woke this morning and though I knew you went home the evening before, I still reached out for you next to me in my bed. I only managed to find open sheets, but if I tried hard enough I was almost sure I could smell you, feel your presence there beside me. I lay staring at my ceiling and wondered what it was you were doing right at that moment, and I wondered if you missed me as much as I missed you. Was I in your thoughts just then, could you feel me, sense me as I did you? I hoped so!
I couldn’t wait, and reached for the phone to call you, you were the first voice I wanted to hear. When you answered my heart smiled. A big open smile, and I realized in that moment, if you left there would be a big space in my heart, which I think I would never again be able to fill. This is how you fill me, you fill me with love, with kindness, with hopes and dreams, you fill me.
Today will be too long! Too long for me to go without getting to touch you, to kiss you, to hold you in my arms, and to sing into your ear how much I love you. I already want this day to end so maybe I can see you tomorrow, for my heart and my head, and my very being, bleeds for you.
Have fun today, but hurry home so I can hear you again, for I shall not sleep without your voice in my head, filling me up!
Chapter 7: I Love
I love your eyes
The way that they smile
I love the way you move
When you walk across the room
I love your arms
When you wrap them around me
I love your words
When you speak them to me
I love your kiss
The way you let them linger
I love your heart
I can feel it next to mine
I love our time
Don’t want it to end
I love your embrace
Feel it through the night
I love
Chapter 8: Smile
It’s 12:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My head is filled with you, and I cannot stop it, and doubt I would want to if I could. I wonder if you are also awake at this very moment, and thinking of me. What have I gotten myself into that I live and breathe you, I cannot stand it when I watch you drive away and I call you so I can hear your voice though we just finished talking minutes before? I know what this is, it is love; True passionate not wanting it to end love!
When you lay beside me in my arms, I relish the feel of your body against mine, and I could hold you that way until the morning sun arises. The smell of your hair, the touch of your skin, courses through my body, and when I close my eyes you are there still; only when I open them do I feel the disappointment and loss of you not being in my arms.
I know where you are, I know what you are doing and though I may not completely understand, I know you need to know. Look for your answers my love, seek what you need, and know this, my arms are always waiting for you, to take you inside my grasp, to love you, hold you, never let go of you. You are my drug, my essence of life, my great passion waiting to be fulfilled, my reason for being me, and I do not want to lose you.
If I could, I would take you away and not share you with any other, and let our love free to bloom as it may, as it should, without restraint or guilt. Hold me in your heart, for you are in mine, see me when you close your eyes, for I see you. Hear my name on the passing wind, for I hear yours, sing your song for me, for I sing mine for you. Love me, like I love you; want me, like I want you; hold me, like I hold you; see me, as I see you, and lastly know, that I don’t freely give my heart, but you have mine, and there is no one whom I would rather have it, than you.
So smile when you wake and read this, for I am smiling as I write it, and I go to bed knowing my love will be there in the morning, looking for you.
Chapter 9: Dreams
Did you dream of me
I always dream of you
Was I touching you
Was I kissing you
Was I holding you in my arms
In my dreams I am always
Touching
Kissing
Holding you
I dream of our sharing
Of each other
Minds and bodies
Of the walks in the evening
Which spring will bring
Along with the flowers you love so
Evenings full of stars
And lush kisses.
Evenings of hopes and ideas
And bodies entwined
I envision so much
With you at my side
I can’t wait for the reality
So the dream can become real
Let’s wake up now
And begin our journey
Hand in hand
Our dreams alive
Chapter 10: Depression
Sorrow fills me to the core, happiness a distant memory.
Though must have once been, for my body aches for the lost sensation.
Cravings for earlier days try to invade, but the key to my misery remains hidden.
Why can I not breach the surface of my drowning depression?
My life is a trial, that which I feel I cannot succeed, and question why I try.
Others laugh and smile around me, I feel removed from their humor, their cheer.
The old year closes, the New Year awaits, but still I look upon it in fear of the same.
For I see no difference to change the way of my future, and I despair.
My children ease my heart, but the days away seem to be slowly stealing my energy.
I grasp for better days, but my hands come back empty, not knowing where to look.
I fear the day they realize I am nothing, just as others see me.
For then I will truly know completely, the loneliness and sadness that fills me, on my off days.
Chapter 11: Always and for Today
I feel my pain at your leaving
My heart it is breaking
My life feels so empty
Now that you are gone
I carry on through the haze
Though I see no tomorrow
Just the same as today
I wonder how to go on
Memories of you crowd my head
Though the pain is still there
I felt your love
And my heart still smiles
You are my soul
My mate for eternity
Though we live separate
You always have my love
Tomorrow I shall smile
When I think about you
For how could I not
When you were my gift
Be happy where you are
Shine through the murk
Let your troubles wash away
For I walk beside you
Know that I’m here
A simple word away
Caring for your happiness
Always and for today
Chapter 12: Three Simple Words
Three simple words to say, but so powerful and heavy once said. They can open a whole other door, one that was closed previously to you but has privileges and experiences beyond your imagining! I love you! Who would have guessed that those three words held such power? Power to cause swooning, weak knees, body quivering, words that fill the heart, no the very core, of our body with wonder, happiness, joy.
Three simple words that bind people together in ways that others who haven’t had such feelings could ever understand. I love you! With it comes the whole of each other, our good, our bad, our weakness, those words are acceptance of it all, and it draws us closer. They can be said in near whisper to cause the pleasant shiver through out the body, or in a shout for all to hear and wish they were said to them with such abandon.
Three simple words to say, but with so much mea
ning, I love you, I Love you, I Love You. Powerful words, meaningful words, strong words. Words I am very glad to have spoken to you, and shall never wish to call back. I love you. You have my heart in your hands, keep it tender, keep it safe, for though the three simple words make it stronger, it is still a fragile thing.
Chapter 13: I love you!
You are my Love
This is for you my love, my feelings on this page
You have taken me to places I have not expected to go
Given me something I had not hoped to have.
You are my inspirations, my admirations
You are my love.
You can do no wrong to me
In fact you make me a better me
I feel whole with you, never wanting, you give me all
More than I ever expected
You are my love.
Your eyes light when you look at me
My heart melts when I see
Your touch ignites me
Your arms surround me
You are my love.
Time stands still when I am with you
Then rushes forward when I’m not
You fill my days with happiness
You fill my head with wonderful thoughts
You are my love.
With the age to come
I dream of us always
I see our future together
And it is exciting because
You are my love.
Chapter 14: Carry On
And yesterday has come and gone.
And tomorrow looms just beyond.
And the path I walk, it feels very long.
Will it never end, can I carry on.
It's been so hard, harder than I ever thought.
But now I'm here past, the battles I have fought.
And I see the sun, breaking through the clouds.
Showing me a brand new day, one that I've never done.
I can truly say, I have lost and I have won.
I've had some terrible days and some incredible ones.
But no matter where I've been, I've always managed to carry on.
Maybe it was just a dream but I swear I felt you holding on.
You're my guiding light, my beacon in the dark.
You helped me when I despaired, when I felt like giving up.
You were always there, taking most of my brunt.