A feeling of mercy silences me. It makes me want to walk away and let him go. But then I think, what if all my blessings were precisely for moments like these? What if my job is to pass on the love I’ve been given?
Behind me, about twenty metres back, a group of cops are chatting with Jerry. There’s a police inspector too, and an ambulance commander in a dress shirt and tie. They’ve allowed me the space that I need, trusting I’ve built a rapport with the patient, not wanting to interrupt, hoping that sooner rather than later I can bring the guy in. From the way Jerry’s glancing anxiously over I can tell he’s praying that I don’t mess this up.
‘Just let me do this, mate,’ pleads Michael with tears on his face. ‘I want to go. If you really want to save me, then save me from my fucked-up life by letting me go to the waves.’
He turns his back on me and I sense he’s about to release his grip. I get a hit of adrenalin, my stomach churns, my carotid pulse pounds. If I make a grab for him, I’ll go over too. He’s too big, too heavy, and I’m not in a harness connected to ropes. Words are all I have. And I don’t care if I sound ‘a little bit Oprah’. Life is precious and I believe in transformation, in the promise of healing.
‘Michael, stop. Please. You’re in a dark place, I hear you. Don’t lose hope. It’s hard for you to see right now, but there’s always hope. Things can turn around for people, I’ve seen it. People can be reborn, start over. People like you. You’re not meant to die. I don’t believe that. If this moment is fate, then so is me being here with you, talking to you. Don’t you think that’s a sign? Don’t you think it’s fate that I’ve met you, and you’ve met me? You think the waves are calling you, but I’m calling you louder. Come back from the edge, Michael, please.’
Then I mention John, and I know it won’t be the last time I do. ‘A good friend of mine went over these cliffs, further up, at The Gap. It happened last month. His name was John. He was a paramedic like me. I know he didn’t have the pain you have. But he had enough pain to end it. And that’s what he did. We loved him very much and all of us are grieving. We really are. We loved him and we miss him. We all wish he hadn’t done it because we honestly believe that life could’ve improved for him. Just as I believe life can get better for you. I know you don’t think this can happen. You have no reason to believe that it can. But one day the reward for your courage to survive will be happiness, and you’ll know it when you find it. I wish I was given the chance to convince my friend John of that before he died, to remind him of the beauty in this world. Unfortunately, I never had that chance. But I do have that chance with you, right now. Take my hand, Michael. Turn around and take the hand I’m holding out to you.’
I don’t expect him to, but he turns around slowly and grasps my hand and pulls himself up. Then he has his arms around me and is sobbing into my shoulder, sobbing like a child. I hold him and let him weep. Somewhere in my mind I hear John laughing ever so gently with a twinkle in his eye, saying, ‘Honestly, do you really have to hug them?’ And I smile to myself.
As I lead Michael down the slope of the golf course Jerry is beside me and a dozen cops behind, everyone walking silently to the ambulance. My hand is on Michael’s shoulder as he plods along with his head stooped low, crying quietly.
After putting Michael in the ambulance, I step out for a quick word with the ambulance commander.
‘You okay?’ he asks me.
‘Thanks, I’m fine.’
He shakes my hand. ‘Congratulations, mate. A job well done. Listen, I’m going to put you forward for a service citation.’
‘A what?’ I ask.
‘Citation. Bravery award.’
‘For what?’
‘Saving this bloke.’
A sigh escapes me. ‘With all due respect, sir, I don’t want a citation.’
My supervisor looks confused, but I have nothing more to say. I get into the ambulance and slam the side door shut behind me, then take a seat with my patient, Michael. I call out to Jerry in the front, ‘Right to go, mate!’
In memory of
John Vincent Dixon
7/11/1962 – 10/1/2008
MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT SERVICES
Adult
Lifeline: 13 11 14
lifeline.org.au
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
suicidecallbackservice.org.au
Beyond Blue: 1300 24 636
beyondblue.org.au
MensLine Australia: 1300 789 987
mensline.org.au
Youth
Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
kidshelpline.com.au
headspace: 1800 650 890
ReachOut: au.reachout.com
Other resources
Life in Mind (suicide prevention portal):
lifeinmindaustralia.com.au
Head to Health (mental health portal):
headtohealth.gov.au
SANE (online forums): sane.org
Further reading
‘Answering the Call: A survey on the mental health and wellbeing of police and emergency service workers in Australia’ (Beyond Blue, 2018)
Benjamin Gilmour has been a paramedic for twenty-two years and holds a Bachelor of Paramedicine and a Master of Public Health. He is also an author, screenwriter and film director. His film Jirga was Australia’s submission for Best Foreign Language Film Oscar, 2019, and the screenplay won the NSW Premier’s Literary Award (Betty Roland Prize) for Screenwriting. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Paramedico: Around the World by Ambulance. Benjamin is based in northern New South Wales, where he lives with his wife, Kaspia, and three children.
benjamingilmour.com
Also by Benjamin Gilmour:
Warrior Poets
Paramedico
The Travel Bug
Cameras & Kalashnikovs
Pseudonyms have been used in this book and other details altered where necessary to protect the identity and privacy of people mentioned.
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First published by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd, 2019
Copyright © Benjamin Gilmour 2019
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, published, performed in public or communicated to the public in any form or by any means without prior written permission from Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd or its authorised licensees.
Cover design and illustration by Alex Ross © Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd
ISBN 9781760890216
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