Someone discovering a shameful secret, such as the parent being an alcoholic or hoarder
Following in a parent’s footsteps (choosing the wrong partner, being unfulfilled, etc.)
Poverty and becoming homeless
Becoming like the adult one is caring for or replacing (an addict, a terrible parent, etc.)
Developing the same illness or debilitating condition and having to rely on others
Feeling or expressing certain emotions (if it is unsafe to do so)
A loss of identity; never being able to escape the trap of caring for others
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Putting oneself last (taking on extra jobs, going without sleep or food, etc.)
Anticipating the needs of others
Becoming hypercautious about factors that allow one to care for others (safety, hygiene, etc.)
Overprotecting the people in one’s charge
Pushing one’s siblings hard so tough love will make them resilient
Resenting peers who have fewer responsibilities
Distrusting people in authority
Perfectionism
Becoming evasive, withdrawn, or deceptive (if one has a secret to keep)
Repressing one’s emotions
Making do with less
Having no patience for frivolity or “silly” endeavors (while secretly craving such things)
Losing touch with one’s peer group
Gravitating toward more mature peers
Giving up hobbies, interests, and friends due to having no time for them
Feeling guilty for wanting freedom
Straining under home pressures, especially if neglect or abuse are present
Growing rebellious and acting out
Doing whatever it takes to escape the situation
Rationalizing guilt for leaving one’s siblings: Once I get a place of my own, they can move in with me.
Being careful with one’s relationships, especially if parental abandonment was a factor
Taking on and succeeding at jobs one didn’t know one could do
Being highly practical
Noticing what others miss
Enjoying the small things
Becoming thrifty and innovative
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Bold, disciplined, discreet, gentle, honorable, independent, industrious, mature, meticulous, persistent, protective, resourceful, responsible, sensible, thrifty, unselfish
Flaws: Controlling, cynical, evasive, fussy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, obsessive, perfectionist, promiscuous, rebellious, resentful, uncooperative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A friend being showered with gifts at Christmas while one’s family has to go without
A bare cupboard or pile of overdue bills
A sick sibling who needs medicine that one must somehow acquire
Being invited out by friends and being unable or unwilling to go
Having to buy secondhand or depend on handouts
Briefly being part of an intact and ideal family, then having to return to one’s situation
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A chance to do something one wants that would interfere with responsibilities at home
An event that makes it difficult for one to be the caretaker (i.e., being evicted)
Being threatened with the removal of one’s charges
Struggling in school and knowing that failing would sabotage the chance for a better future
One’s home situation becoming dangerous (strangers being welcomed in, drugs being openly used, instances of physical abuse, etc.)
Having difficulty coping as a caregiver but being unable to seek help due to guilt, shame, or distrust
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY A NARCISSIST
EXAMPLES: Being raised by a parent who…
Withheld love and affection via the silent treatment
Demanded excellence and then took credit for one’s successes
Demanded full compliance to every wish and whim
Rarely displayed physical affection
Critiqued every mistake and misstep
Complained about one being a burden
Showed anger instead of compassion when an injury or life event caused inconvenience
Pitted siblings against one another, encouraging competition
Displayed cruelty, possibly employing emotional and physical abuse
Refused to help when needed
Frequently undermined one’s progress and then blamed one for being stupid
Caused everyone to walk on eggshells due to their high expectations, mood swings, etc.
Made threats and manipulated to get their way
Expected others to cater to them because they were special or important in some way
Purposely took statements out of context to use them against others
Gave conflicting advice to create a no-win situation
Lived out personal dreams through their children
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Love is how people manipulate you.
Love is conditional.
I am a failure and a burden to those around me.
Wanting something for myself is selfish. I need to put others first.
I am too flawed to ever be loved by anyone.
I am not talented or smart enough to distinguish myself.
To matter, you need to be the best.
To avoid being hurt, hit first.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection and abandonment
Experiencing certain emotions and having them used as weapons
Deep relationships that require vulnerability to succeed
Failures that will prove the parent correct about their deficiencies
Being punished for their mistakes and failures
Trusting the wrong person and being taken advantage of
Repeating the cycle with one’s children
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Struggling to identify one’s feelings because one is used to putting the parent’s feelings first
Difficulty choosing a direction because one can’t identify what one wants
A tendency to put one’s needs last
Saying that things are fine when they’re not
Deferring to others, especially when one is under pressure
Being unsure what healthy boundaries look like
Struggling with vulnerability, intimacy, trust, and sharing one’s feelings
Being a people pleaser and needing praise to feel valued
Trying to be perfect in all things
Becoming clingy or needy; having dependency issues
Being driven to achieve accolades but feeling uncomfortable receiving them
Low self-worth; feeling stupid or deficient regardless of one’s achievements
Choosing a career because it was what a parent wanted
Being taken advantage of because one is unable to self-advocate
Changing one’s role to become what others need
Being drawn to nurturing people (a kind teacher, an understanding boss, etc.)
Making excuses or forgiving a parent’s behavior out of a desire to gain their love
Believing one is to blame when something goes wrong, even when it’s irrational
Catering to a partner’s needs to keep them happy
Beating oneself up for personal failures
Always putting one’s needs first (repeating the narcissism cycle)
Becoming a bully as a way to cope; striking first to avoid being crushed
As an adult, cutting ties with the offending parent
Choosing to practice self-love in hopes of healing and achieving greater self-worth
Building a relationship with someone who fills a healthy parental or mentoring role
Being deeply moved by acts of kindness and displays of affection
Being hypersensitive to the needs and feelings of others
Using a journal to process emotion and express one’s thoughts
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, appreciative, cooperative, diplomatic, empathetic, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, observant, organized, perceptive, persistent
Flaws: Addictive, defensive, dishonest, gullible, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, materialistic, nagging, needy, oversensitive, perfectionist
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Criticism, no matter how constructive or respectfully it’s phrased
Falling short, failing, or making a mistake
Spending time with a friend’s family and participating in a normal parent-child activity
Phone calls and visits with one’s parent
Coming in second (or third, last, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Trying to reconnect with a sibling who shared the parent-enforced dysfunction
Realizing one’s marriage will fail if one can’t learn to resolve the self-esteem issues
Needing help and having to ask for it regardless of how vulnerable it makes one feel
Experiencing joy at someone’s gift of encouragement and unconditional support and realizing this emotion was missing from one’s toxic upbringing
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY AN ADDICT
NOTES: Many factors will determine how deep this wound will be, such as whether the addict was one’s sole parent, if abuse was involved, and the quality of life the character experienced in this environment.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People drink because they can’t stand to be around me.
No one would notice if I ceased to exist.
I can’t protect my loved ones (if there were siblings one failed to protect from abuse).
If I let people in, they’ll only be disappointed.
No one will be there for me if I really need it.
I’m weak; I’m going to become just like my parent.
There’s no safe place for me in this world.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Violence, sexual abuse, or both
Conflict
Being abandoned
Life spinning out of control
Becoming just like their parent
Having to rely on others
Functional relationships (since dysfunctional ones have become normal)
Instability
Affirmations of love or acceptance (since these have always proven to be false)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty relaxing; being in a perpetual state of guardedness
Carefully reading a situation before responding to it
Anxiety and depression
Having a hard time telling if someone is joking; being uncomfortable with humor, teasing, or pranks
Keeping one’s deepest thoughts and desires private
Not rocking the boat
Drinking or doing drugs to feel connected to one’s parent
Difficulty expressing what one wants and needs
Shying away from conflict and even healthy debates
Rebelling, or wanting to rebel, from being so emotionally stymied
Feeling isolated; struggling with dating, meeting people, going out, etc.
Keeping secrets
Choosing what’s safe over what one really wants
Double-checking things to make sure all is as it should be
Feeling close and grateful to people who keep their word
Continuing the cycle (becoming a drug user, drinking too much, engaging in illegal activities, etc.)
Being pessimistic
Denial, especially as to how bad a situation is and how one is coping
Being a people pleaser
Putting the needs of others first
Being hard on oneself
Fleeing from situations that make one feel vulnerable
Wanting clear rules and boundaries; craving predictable routines
Becoming a caretaker of others out of habit
Taking on more responsibility than is healthy
Finding it difficult, if not impossible, to speak up or complain
Letting emotions build up until there’s an explosion
Needing to be given clear directions and understand the exact expectations
Having less fear of the specific dangers one was exposed to as a child
Shutting down when a confrontation flares up
Lying or distorting the truth to protect others
Feeling shame and embarrassment keenly
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Having strong peacekeeping skills; being able to persuade others, calm tempers, etc.
Finding an outlet for safe expression (playing an instrument, writing poetry, gardening, etc.)
Only making a promise when one knows with certainty that one can deliver on it
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, cautious, cooperative, loyal, mature, nurturing, organized, perceptive, persuasive, proactive, responsible, tolerant
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, controlling, cynical, dishonest, evasive, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, nervous, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, uncommunicative, volatile, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The smell of alcohol or pot
The sight or smell of vomit
Being unable to wake someone right away
Raised voices and heated arguments
The taste of alcohol or cigarettes
Seeing drug paraphernalia lying around someone’s apartment
Driving with someone who is drunk
Having to care for a friend who’s had too much to drink or has passed out
Loud music, parties, and celebrations where people let loose
The sound of clinking glass bottles or a beer can being crumpled
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Marrying someone with a drinking or drug problem
Watching the parent’s health decline and wanting to mend old fences before it’s too late
Wanting to be a good parent and recognizing that one must let go of one’s dysfunctional past
Becoming an addict as an adult and realizing how the habit is affecting one’s child
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY NEGLECTFUL PARENTS
EXAMPLES: Neglect can best be described as a caregiver’s ongoing failure to provide for a child’s basic needs. It can be physical, emotional, mental, or medical in nature. Child or teen victims of neglect could be said to have been raised by parents who…
Refused to take the child to routine medical check-ups
Were unable or unwilling to buy appropriate clothing for their child
Suffered from a mental disorder or another disability that rendered them unable to adequately care for others
Often failed to feed their child
Didn’t make their child go to school
Withheld love and affection
Knew about and didn’t stop their child from engaging in dangerous behavior, such as abusing drugs or alcohol
Were neglectful due to their addictions
Were so absorbed in their own lives they neglected the basic care of their children
Were unintentionally neglectful due to having to work multiple jobs or travel often for work
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am unlovable.
I’m not worth taking care of. I am a burden to others.
My needs are not important.
I’ve done something to deserve this treatment.
I’m invisible. My life will always be this way.
I can’t depend on others for my survival; I have to fend for myself.
Adults can’t be trusted.
My parents’ love must be earned.
This is what love looks like.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never being loved or accepted by anyone
Being hungry or not having enough to eat
Embarrassment (over their clothing, home, appearance, etc.)
Other people discovering how they were raised
Being mistreated by others
Having to rely on someone else
Never being able to rise above their circumstances
Repeating the parents’ mistakes with their own children
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Hoarding materials such as food, clothing, or toys
Clinging to anyone who shows love and affection
Being highly protective of one’s siblings
Pulling away from peers so no one discovers one’s situation at home
Being evasive and keeping secrets
Confusion over why one’s family and home life is different than others
Trying to be obedient, helpful, perfect, etc. in order to receive attention and love
Developmental delays, especially social ones, from certain life lessons not being passed on
Developing mental disorders such as depression or eating disorders
Having to learn through trial and error what others have already mastered or know
Seeing oneself as inadequate or insufficient in some way
Difficulties focusing or succeeding in school
Sacrificing secondary needs to meet imperative ones (e.g., giving up self-actualization to gain love)