Homicide
Sexual harassment of an employee
Discrimination at work
Child or spousal abuse
Sexual abuse (of a student, neighbor, one’s child, etc.)
Theft
Corruption (misappropriating funds, bribes, abuse of power, law-breaking, etc.)
Blackmail
Kidnapping
Vandalizing school or neighborhood property
Dealing drugs
Prostitution
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’ll never be able to clear my name.
Even though I was found innocent, people will always wonder about me.
To avoid any hint of wrongdoing, I have to be perfect.
No one will trust me.
This now defines me.
Because of this stain on my reputation, I have to give up my dream (or public office, my career, etc.).
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
New people finding out about the accusation
Family members being mistreated because of what happened
Not being believed
Being falsely accused again of something else
Being rejected due to the accusation
People who hold positions of power and control
Betrayal by someone they trust
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Hiding the incident
Instructing loved ones to keep it a secret
Making a change to start anew, like switching careers, moving, or attending a different synagogue
Prejudice toward the kind of person who made the accusation
Limiting interactions by pulling back from friends and social groups or avoiding new people
Becoming defensive at the slightest provocation and feeling one must explain oneself
Needing to immediately address even the smallest of misunderstandings
Avoiding situations where jealousy could result
Getting upset if friends joke and misrepresent the truth about one’s involvement in anything
Becoming a people pleaser
Being very loyal to those who stood by one during the accusation
Keeping thorough records in case one is accused of something again
Following the letter of the law out of fear
Having a martyr complex
Adopting a defeatist attitude
Advocating for oneself out of the belief that no one else will
Avoiding scenarios that could lead to a false presumption of guilt (being alone with a student, traveling with a co-worker, etc.)
Being highly attuned to unfairness and injustice
Always believing others—even to a fault—because one doesn’t want them to feel the way one did when the accusation was made
Standing up for others who have been falsely accused
Needing proof beyond a shadow of a doubt before accusing someone of wrongdoing
Showing appreciation to those who helped clear one’s name
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, bold, cautious, centered, cooperative, courteous, diplomatic, discreet, easygoing, honest, honorable, independent, just, kind, obedient, private, proper, tolerant, wise
Flaws: Catty, confrontational, cynical, defensive, dishonest, hostile, humorless, insecure, martyr, nervous, oversensitive, perfectionist, pessimistic, temperamental, uncooperative, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing one’s accuser prosper without any consequence for what he or she did
Losing a friendship over the false accusation
Being falsely accused of something else, even something small or inconsequential
People who gossip or jump to conclusions about others (in one’s social circle, at church, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being punished for the accusation (not getting a promotion, being transferred to a different school, etc.) even though one was acquitted, and needing to choose whether to take it or fight the injustice
After years spent trying to hide from the past, the accusation surfaces again, and one decides to stop running and seek justice and the truth
A friend or loved one suffers mistreatment due to guilt by association, and one must decide to either ignore the unfairness or fight for what is right and just
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING FIRED OR LAID OFF
EXAMPLES
Being fired for one’s poor performance
Being laid off because a department was downsized or a position was outsourced
Being fired for poor performance, an addiction, being unreliable, etc.
Losing a job at a critical time, like when a baby is on the way or a home has just been bought
The company taking an opportunity to legally let one go due to one being a financial drain (e.g., because of medical issues that caused one to need a lot of time off)
A merger that resulted in the majority of employees on one side losing their jobs
Being let go (legitimately or illegitimately) due to friction with one’s boss
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
To stay employed, I have to work harder than everyone else.
It’s safer to be a team player than to disagree with what the company’s doing.
I was a fool to try and have a career in this area; I’m not good enough.
I’m worthless if I can’t support my family.
Deep down I am defective, and the company knew it.
People will lose respect for me if I can’t stay employed.
I have to do whatever it takes to keep a job.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Having to tell family members about the firing
Taking risks, especially financial ones
Saying or doing the wrong thing at a new job
Underperforming at work
Disappointing a new employer
Abandonment (e.g., a spouse leaving if financial problems impact the marriage)
Changes that could threaten their new job, such as a shifting leadership hierarchy, the company being sold, or technology that could make the position obsolete
Falling into debt while being out of work
Losing the respect of loved ones (a spouse, children, parents, neighbors and friends, etc.)
Being unable to find work
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Pretending one still has a job to avoid telling others about the firing
Being disloyal to one’s employers out of anger or a sense of betrayal
Absolving oneself of any responsibility for the firing, even if one was to blame
Contacting the people in one’s network about job opportunities
Beefing up one’s résumé to showcase one’s talents and abilities
Anxiety, depression, and self-worth issues
Applying for anything remotely close to one’s skillset (if one’s finances are in bad shape)
Bending the truth in one’s new job if things are looking shaky
Hiding difficulties from employers (an illness, unrealistic deadlines, etc.) rather than risking scrutiny
Worrying about money; carefully watching one’s finances
Tying job security and employer satisfaction to one’s self-worth
Working late to reinforce one’s value and dedication
Being meticulous with one’s appearance out of a desire to look good
Turning a blind eye to ethical issues at work
Becoming a “yes man” and always agreeing with the powers-that-be
Needing constant reassurance that one is doing a good job at
work
Taking on extra shifts or working holidays to get ahead
Taking a second job to be able to save money, in case something happens
Bringing work home; having a poor work-life balance
Missing out on family time due to work commitments
Sticking with a job that is safe and pays the bills even though one dislikes it
Feeling guilty if one has idle time at work or has to take a legitimate day off
Making sure employers and associates know how much work one is doing
Sucking up to employers and managers
Taking on high-profile projects one may not be suited for out of a desire to prove oneself
Employing oneself rather than being at the mercy of others
Adopting a healthier outlook on work (that it isn’t tied to one’s value or worthiness)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, cooperative, courteous, efficient, focused, honorable, industrious, loyal, merciful, obedient, organized, perceptive, persistent, proactive, professional, resourceful, sensible
Flaws: Addictive, callous, confrontational, controlling, defensive, fanatical, hostile, insecure, obsessive, perfectionist, resentful, self-destructive, stingy, unethical, weak-willed, workaholic, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Hearing rumors about downsizing and possible layoffs
Getting a boss who has other favorites at work
Receiving a poor performance report
A company merger that creates uncertainty
Being put on probation
Seeing one’s parent laid off after many years of service and loyalty
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
An unexpected financial difficulty (like buying a house, medical bills piling up, or a spouse getting laid off) that makes it especially important to keep one’s job
Being fired from another job because of the negative attitude one developed from being let go the last time, and realizing one is creating a self-fulfilling prophesy
One’s marriage growing rocky due to subsequent monetary strain, causing one to question the fairness of being held responsible for so much of the family’s financial welfare
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING FORCED TO KEEP A DARK SECRET
EXAMPLES
One’s child being a sociopath
A spouse’s hit-and-run
The abuse of a family member
A murder cover-up in the family
A horrible deathbed confession that has repercussions for loved ones
One’s child being an accomplice in a mass murder
One’s spouse belonging to a terrorist organization
An illegal adoption
One’s family running a drug smuggling operation
Being related to someone of notoriety, like Hitler, Castro, or bin Laden
A parent embezzling funds from work or stealing money from those who are vulnerable
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
How could my own blood do this? I could end up being just like him or her.
I’ll be a pariah if people find out.
My silence has made me an accomplice, so I can’t tell.
Keeping this secret is best for everyone.
The well-being of my family is more important than the truth.
Telling would make me disloyal.
The secret will come out eventually; I don’t have to be the one to disclose it.
You’re only guilty if you get caught.
No one could love me if they knew the truth.
People have moved on, so bringing the truth out will only cause more damage.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Others finding out
Legal repercussions (being arrested, children being removed from their custody, etc.)
Being rejected by family and friends
Becoming like the guilty person (sharing his or her weakness)
Losing someone’s love, a prestigious position, or the respect of their peers if the truth comes out
Being punished or victimized by the one wanting the secret to be kept
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Lying and deception becoming second nature
Denial; rewriting the truth in one’s mind
Telling conflicting stories (being unable to keep one’s lies straight)
Enlisting others who are necessary to keep the secret hidden
Being wary of those who might sniff out the truth
Suffering from nightmares
Depression
Lack of focus and attention to one’s duties
Distancing oneself from those associated with the secret (going away to school, moving, etc.)
Avoiding the one who is requiring the secret to be kept
Tiptoeing around the wrongdoer; walking on eggshells
Constantly giving in to the wrongdoer as a way of placating him or her
Physical responses to prolonged stress, like high blood pressure, digestive issues, and headaches
Abusing drugs or alcohol
Keeping the secret but rebelling in other ways to express one’s feelings
Becoming temperamental or volatile
Hostility toward the person responsible for the secret
Being nervous around the authorities
Excising things from one’s life that one shares with the wrongdoer (hobbies, activities, interests, etc.)
Struggling with opening up to people out of worry one might spill the secret
Subversively helping those negatively impacted by the hidden event
Throwing oneself into other activities as a way of keeping one’s mind occupied
Secretly gathering information that can be used against the wrongdoer
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, cautious, cooperative, courteous, curious, diplomatic, discreet, easygoing, focused, independent, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, observant, patient, private, protective, trusting
Flaws: Addictive, cowardly, dishonest, evasive, forgetful, hostile, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, irrational, irresponsible, nervous, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, volatile
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Someone sharing another secret (even a minor one) and requesting it be kept
A clue that makes one wonder if someone else knows about the secret
Running into a victim of the wrongdoer
Being asked outright about the secret and having to lie again to cover it up
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
The situation coming to light and one being investigated as an accomplice
When a new relationship develops into something deeper and one has an outlet to tell the secret as a way of releasing the burden and relieving stress
Experiencing friction in one’s marriage or another relationship as a result of trying to keep the secret
Suspecting the wrongdoer is continuing with their despicable behavior and needing to choose between what’s easy and what’s right
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING FORCED TO LEAVE ONE’S HOMELAND
EXAMPLES: Reluctantly leaving one’s country due to…
War
Civil unrest
Extreme poverty
Being trafficked or enslaved and sent somewhere else
A catastrophic natural disaster
The destruction of one’s environment in the name of development
A dictatorial government headed down a dangerous path
Persecution because of one’s race or ethnicity, religion, political affiliation, etc.
Being accused of a crime one hasn’t committed
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, esteem and recognition, love and belonging, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’ll never feel at home anywhere else.
No place will be safe for me.
I won’t fit in.
By leaving my homeland, I’m sacrificing my identity.
Cowards flee, so I guess that’s what I am.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never seeing their family again (if some were left behind)
Facing persecution in the new place (going from one intolerable situation to another)
Being so different culturally that they won’t be able to fit in
Losing or forgetting their heritage
Not being able to succeed as an outsider and a transplant
Being sent back to the unfavorable homeland
Never being able to return to their homeland
Their family becoming separated during the crossing
Isolation within the new culture
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty acclimating to the new culture
A deep loneliness that is difficult to dispel
Difficulty meeting one’s basic physiological needs, such as shelter, food, or access to clean water
Adhering to the old ways and resisting acclimation
Refusing to learn a new language out of resentment, or giving up because it’s too difficult
Flying under the radar due to being in the new country illegally
Fearing anyone in authority
Feeling taken advantage of in the new society, especially if one is there illegally
PTSD symptoms (if one escaped a violent situation)
Becoming possessive of one’s items
Hoarding resources and preparing for the worst-case scenario in the new country
Emotional volatility
Becoming violent due to frustration, stress, and personal trauma
Difficulty succeeding at work or school
Depression
Increased anxiety over what may come