Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader®
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press (2012)
* * *
* * *
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
“Your books are the greatest written word since Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey. Uncle John and all his staff at the BRI must be the smartest rubber duckies in the pool.”
—Steven
“I’ve been a fan of your series for years, and I have two shelves devoted to them. I’m now equipped with an arsenal of fun facts for any occasion.”
—Alex
“I have been an avid reader of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers for years. Everyone knows what to buy me for presents. Just wanted to let you folks know that you keep me mesmerized (and seated) for long periods of time!”
—Mitch
“I LOVE your books! It is so nice to be able to impress my family and friends with an arsenal of wacky, fun facts!”
—Shayla
“My whole family loves your books. We wait anxiously for each new one to come out. The most recent one we are reading has definitely brought conversation out of the bathroom and to the dinner table!”
—Trena
“I have about 30 of your books, and I want the whole collection! Do you know how much fun it is to start a conversation with a weird little tidbit from Uncle John?”
—Rose
UNCLE JOHN’S 24-KARAT GOLD
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2011 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
“When Life Was ‘Simpler’” is reprinted from Secrets of the Great Old-Timey Cooks by Barbara Swell, © 2001. Used by permission of Native Ground Music, Asheville, North Carolina (nativeground.com)
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, P.O. Box 1117,
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA
(Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-655-5
E-book edition: May 2012
Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Jay Newman
Brian Boone
Thom Little
Kim Griswell
Amy Miller
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Jack Mingo
Megan Todd
Stephanie Fretwell
Eddie Deezen
Brandon Hartley
Eleanor Pierce
Jill Bellrose
William Dooling
Michael Kerr
Michael Conover
Ed Krenzolok
Claudia Bauer
Claire Breen
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Monica Maestas
Annie Lam
Ginger Winters
Jennifer Frederick
Maggie Javna
Nate & Dena
Wayne Erbsen
Barbara Swell
Tom “Deli Style” Mustard
Sydney Stanley
David Calder
Erin Corbin
Julie Pigeon
Joseph Pisco
Media Masters
Publishers Group West
Bloomsbury Books
Raincoast Books
Porter the Wonder Dog (R.I.P.)
Thomas Crapper
Hiya, Sam! Hiya, Gideon!
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM LORE
Short
Celebrities in the Can
Medium
Bathroom News
Bathroom Finds
Toilet Tech
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Just Plane Weird: Bathroom Edition
A Cacophony of Caca
Uncle John’s Stall of Shame
Toilet Tech
IT’S A RECORD!
Medium
The Gold Watch Awards
There’s a Record for That?
Our State Is #1!
AMAZING STORIES
Short
Amazing Coincidences
Medium
Bouncing Babies
Self-Surgery
Tough Guys
Long
The Unluckiest Train Ride
Samantha Smith
*The Curse of the Demon Core
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Old History, New Theory
Medium
Kings, Sized
Named for a Ship
Ancient Sub-urbs
Hermits for Hire
Hail to Your Chief
FADS & FLOPS
Medium
Fabulous Flops
What It’s All About
Heartbreak Hotels
Obscure 1960s Fads
Fabulous Flops
AMERICANA
Short
Discharged!
Medium
Altered States
Failed Amendments
The Zero Milepost
When Life Was “Simpler”
Civil War Sidenotes
Constitutional Q&A
Long
Blood & Booty
*Myth America: “The Price They Paid”
*Born on the 2nd of July
LAW & ORDER
Short
Tweet Beat
Judges Gone Wild
Medium
Judges Gone Wild
Stung!
I Shoot You With…My Key Fob!
Dinner and a Lawsuit
Dumb Crooks
Strange Lawsuits
Here Comes the Judge
More Strange Lawsuits
Long
Law & Scandal
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
It Wasn’t My Fault!
You’re Never Too Old…
Early to Rise
A Boring Page
Naked News
Medium
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Odd Scholarships
Odd Jobs
Uncle John’s “Creative Teaching” Awards
BATHROOM TRAVEL GUIDE
Short
Before You Go
Going Places?
Medium
City of Fright
Five Things You Should Never Do in a Foreign Country
High Culture
HI-TECH BITS & BYTES
Short
Mr. Trololo
Medium
Craigslist Oddities
Viral Videos
The Big Challenge
Video Games vs. Reality
Doomed by the Internet
More Viral Videos
ORIGINS
Short
Random Origins
Medium
Forgotten Founders
Symbol Origins
Hardware Store Origins
Call Me Mister
The ’Umble Umbrella
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
Feline Facts
Arachnophobia!
Medium
Name That Tuna
Weird Animal News
Nature’s Revenge
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Strange Superstitions
Medium
Myth-Conceptions
Faces of Death
Celebrity Ghosts
CANADIANA
Short
Canada at Random
Medium
Canada’s Captain Underpants
Hut, Hut, Hike, Eh?
Canada’s Most Famous Outhouse
The _____ of Canada
REEL LIFE
Short
Movie Quote Quiz #1
Movie Quote Quiz #2
Medium
I Spy…at the Movies
Edited for Airlines
Superman Returns, Starring Will Smith
HEAVY METAL
Short
The Golden Page
Cross That Bridge
Medium
The Story of Metal, Part I
Metal, Part II
Nano-Gold
Long
Metal, Part III
SPORTS
Short
Baseball Bizarre
Medium
Blow It Like Buckner
Lou Gehrig, Reconsidered
See You at the Igloo
Spit Boxes & Morning Glories
Odd Baseball Stories
FOOD & DRINK
Short
Jolt-ernatives
Cookie Crumbs
Funky Junk Food
Make Mine a Double
“Health” “Food”
Medium
Secret Ingredients
Secrets of the Avocado
Does This Taste Funny?
Top Banana
“I’ll Have Some Bagoong with a Glass of Plonk”
Five Odd Foods
Dough-lympic Records
Long
What’s Cooking?
BUSINE$$
Short
Smells Funny
Friday & Tuesday
Medium
The Tupperware Story
Family Feud: Adidas vs. Puma
The Tupperware Story, Part II
Adidas vs. Puma, Part II
The Denny’s Story
Adidas vs. Puma, Part III
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Famous and Broke…
Medium
Famous for 15 Minutes
Bill Murray Stories
Road Trip!
Strange Celebrity Lawsuits
Unexpected Encounters
More Strange Celebrity Lawsuits
Long
*Helen Keller: Vaudeville Star
YOU CAN’T GET THERE…AT ALL
Medium
The Forbidden Island
Forbidden Island, USA
Life on America’s Forbidden Island
Long
The Forbidden Island, Part II
GAMES & TOYS
Short
Surreal Video Games
Medium
Grandma Celia, Card Shark
Action Figure Facts
Educational Toys
Video Game Secrets
Bad News Barbies
Odd Bikes
Long
The Origin of Parcheesi: (A Game of Cowries and Indians)
Time for Tangrams
THAT’S DEATH
Medium
After the Funeral
Celebrity Check-Outs
First, or Last, in Death
They Went Thataway
Bodies in Motion
After the Funeral
Famous for How They Died
Before Their Time
Exhumed!
THE PRINTED WORD
Short
Flubbed Headlines
“Words on a Shirt”
Bookworms
Know Your Boats
Medium
Missed It by One Letter
Sci-Fi Treasures
Moonstruck
Don’t Tell the Kids!
Long
*Font(s) of Knowledge
NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER(WEAR)
Medium
Underwear on a Mission
Underwear in the News
High-Tech Underwear
MUSIC
Short
Random Bits on Michael Jackson Hits
Random Bits on Beatles Hits
Jingle Fever
Random Bits on Elton John Hits
Behind the Cover
POP SCIENCE
Short
The Amazing Zeer Pot
How to Measure Distances by “Eyeball”
Tree-go-nometry
Medium
The Bright Side of the Moon
Do Try This at Home
Robots in the News
Nice Legs!
That Smarts!
Long
IGY
The Garbage Satellite
How to Eavesdrop on the Astronauts
The ABCs of pH
TV OR NOT TV
Short
Simpsons Stores
Medium
Come On Down!
Street Songs
MacGyver Escapes!
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Stand-Up Folks
The Way We Weren’t
Ben There, Done That
Points to Ponder
You’ve Got a Friend
It’s Science!
Thoughts on ’Bots
It’s All You Need
Works of Art
Nasty Musicians
He Said
She Said…
Raise Your Glass
GOVERN-MENTAL
Short
Poli-Talks
Govern-mental
Medium
The Economy in Brief(s)
Odd Economic Indicators
Long
*Misery Indexes
*Nixon’s List
WORDPLAY
Short
Obscure-o-nyms
Calculator Words
Knotty Buoy
ICNTDRV
Medium
Familiar Phrases
Mind Your Zarfs and Wambles
Word Origins
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
Death by Lawnmower
The Chocolate Poodle
Medium
The Many Faces of Santa Claus
Geographic Oddities Q&A
Delusions of Grandeur
Long
Operation Paul Bunyan
PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES
Short
The Un-friendly Skies
Medium
18 Wheels of Terror
Just Plane Weird
Long
*Saving Ford from Ford
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Chances That
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
Groaners
“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Fake City Quiz
World Hairstory
Medium
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Edifice Complex
Four Nice Stories
A Thousand Cranes
Answers
INTRODUCTION
WELCOME TO OUR GOLDEN 24th
After one score and four years of bringing Bathroom Readers to our growing legion of throne-sitters, we’re rolling along stronger than ever! And in a way, we feel like we’re just getting started. In fact, one of our favorite articles in this new edition, Uncle John’s 24-Karat Bathroom Reader, chronicles people who have been in the same job for more than 70 years! How do they do it? Simple—they love showing up to work every day.
And so do we.
We never know what golden nugget of information is out there, just waiting to be mined. Like the fact that the Soviet Union’s 1957 launch of Sputnik I into space was part of a much bigger plan enacted by the world’s leading scientists (page 255), or that for all his genius, automobile pioneer Henry Ford was actually a horrible businessman (page 486). That’s just fascinating! Yeah, we could definitely stand another 50 years or so of sharing this stuff.
And here’s the best part: All you have to do is start reading. Here’s a bit of what awaits you...
• Origins: The Tupperware Lady that time forgot, the history of the humble umbrella, and the inventor of the toilet tank flap
• Helpful hints: How to run a clock on potato power, how to measure distances with your thumb, and why you should never say “fanny pack” in Australia
• Pop science: What is nano-gold, and could it be a cure for cancer? All about metal, a bra that may help you breathe, the used space suit that became an orbiting ham radio, and the notorious nuclear accidents now known as the “Curse of the Demon Core”
• Odd happenings: The guy who got inflated by his semi-truck’s pressure hose, the lady who cracked an egg on a TSA agent’s head, and the tale of the Swedish shotgun-guitar
• Bizarre eats: Caffeinated marshmallows, hair remover in breakfast sandwiches, and a cocktail made from rattlesnake blood
• Critters and beasties: Scary spiders, horse-racing lingo, how fishes got their names, and an octopus with an attitude problem
• Strange places: Travel beneath Paris and Atlanta. Don’t travel to two forbidden Islands—one in the Bay of Bengal, and the other in the middle of the Pacific. (But you can read all about them.)
• That’s entertainment: Bill Murray’s tall tales; how MacGyver always escaped; all about The Price Is Right; and the story of what really happened to Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 terror attacks
• Games people play: Football...Canadian style, legendary sports goofs, action figure facts, a killer video game, Parcheesi, and the athletic shoes that tore apart a family and a town
• Forgotten history: Jack Daniels’s untimely end, what Nikola Tesla said to Mark Twain, and why Americans don’t speak French
• Wordplay: Funny license plates (like “GOTTA P”), plus a cacophony of caca words, and why Comic Sans is the world’s most reviled font
Before you dive in, we’d like to take a moment once again to thank our dedicated team of writers, researchers, editors, designers, and everyone else who helped make this book glitter. Give yourselves a gold star! And a big welcome to Kim, the latest writer to be “institutionalized” at the BRI! Bet you didn’t think it would be this crazy, Kim. (Insert maniacal laugh here.)