Robbie Smith - Vaporized
Martin Carter - Speared up the anus
Richard McAllister - Lava in eyes
Jackie Skidmore - Head swapped with dog
Boo Skidmore (dog) - Head swapped with owner
Chris Picken - Head twisted off
Lucy Martin - Ants. Lots of ants
Jeff Mychalchyk - Cleaved in half
Angela Crossley - Pickled in vinegar
Luke Brook - Buried alive
Lindy Pinckney Felder - Nazi wasps
Akbar Esfahani - Nazi bears
Austin Larocque - Nazi octopus
Claire Christie - “Nundroid” robot nun
Chris Hurden - Heavily sat on
Jeremy Stokely - Head imploded
Andrew Nicholls - Suffocated in Outer Space
Antony Evans - Gremlin things
Ian Turner - Hitler clones
John Thurmond - More Hitler clones
Emma Porter - 13th Century German Wizard
Iain Sutherland - A big fright
Claire Oxborough - Fired out of cannon
Ben William - Hit by Claire Oxborough
Caz Stanford - Partially inflated
Chris Green - Suffocated in Outer Space
April Wilcox - Turned to dough
Jeff Hollingsworth - Lost in time
Jason McMarrow - Covered in bees
Ken Hulme - Explosive diarrhea
Paul Smith - Vaporized
Nancy Lynch Gibson - Acid bath
Ben Miller - Diced by metal net
Graeme Simpson - German sausage
Kathryn Simpson - Drowned in own urine
Anna Beack - Violently folded
Justin Freeman - Tickled
Antony Garlick - Spit-roasted
Mark Blackburn - Disemboweled
James Taylor - Brain inverted
Michael Godwin - Nazi geese
Hunter Harbert - Loneliness
John Blair - A scary witch
Warren Whitley - Punched repeatedly in balls
Bryan T. Taureck - Consumed
Les Fulbrook - Axes. A lot of axes
Tami Yee - Nazi dinosaur
Ben Lea - Regular dinosaur
Esther Lea - Sandwiched between glass
Marcus Madden - Swatted
John Trewick - Blotted
Andrew Dyer - Drowned in quicksand
James Grey - Carried off by birds
Pete Nicholls - Chained to rocket
Natalie Nicholls - Chained to different rocket
Scott Sherman - Nazi sheep
Dawn Ward - Crucifixion
William Ward - Assorted bread products
Bill Beyer - Glockenspiel
Colin Mclay - Bludgeoned by pretzel
Lee Milnes - A big fire
Sarah Kernan - Nazi penguins
Adalee Schuster - Hit by clock
Brett Bushman - Nipple twister
Grayson Daniel - Weird smell
Trevor Sexton - Sexed on
Chris Tedder - Turned inside-out
Marty Elliott - Lightly poached
Paddy Healey - Rope burns
Stu Rusk - General neglect
Andy Mac - Lost in maze
Lora Hannigan McLaughlin - Nazi chickens
Eve Nixon - A big monster
Marcus Rayner - Mutated by slime
Stephen Waldram - You don’t want to know
Alan Mascall - Head-swapped
Tracy Mascall - Head-swapped
Brenda Gregory - Laughed to death
Kelly Seeley - Chronic embarrassment
Devin Seeley - Licked out of existence
Mac Waygood - Space kittens
Hudson Mack Cagle - Nazi space kittens
Scuba Steve Conant - Fired into the sun
Joseph Kawalec - Covered in butter
Mark Denson - Ignored
Julian Cheal - Suffocated in Outer Space
Hanna Elizabeth - Stray apostrophe
Debbie Durr - Unraveled
Danielle Knight - Just plain murdered
James Richard Tyrrell - Organs harvested
Scott Evans - Trapped at Earth’s core
Geoff Evans - Prolonged crucifixion
Stuart Walker - Spiralized
Cindy Watkins - Angry robots
Lynnette Buhrman - A big brute of a man
Mike Barry - Sentient mustache
Karl Binder - Demonic possession
Tina Stowe - Pitchfork somewhere unpleasant
Shawn Dvorak - Crushed by accordion
J. Barrett Kane - Tom Selleck
Chris Kane - Organs harvested
Jesse Kane - Brain sucked out
Benjamin Kane - Buried in laundry
Jake Kane - Steam-ironed
Kelly O’Donnell - Gored by rhino
Marcus Alexander Hart - Molested by rhino (not the same rhino)
Kathleen Guilbeault - Nazi swan
Donny Oswald - Encased in concrete
Paul Agnew - Nuclear hat
The GeriTones - The hottest fire known to man
Joey Fatone - Nazi puppets
Connor Radtke - Deveined
Bob Cotter - Thumbs through eye sockets
Jackie Phipps - Dropped from a tremendous height
Tony Diperna - Dropped from an equally tremendous height
Tracey Weatherilt - Angry birds (not the game)
Jim Fleming - Evil dance-off
Deb Perkins - Horny pterodactyl
Mark Telford - Kicked by multiple horses
Rigel Meketa - Boiled in jelly
Bob Smith - Nazi mongoose
Charlie Dickie - Roughly manhandled
Mickey Lasky - Poorly treated
Lord Walter Lenz III - Vomited inside-out
Thomas Hernandez - Strangled with own entrails
Paul Danher - Shot 700 times
Dean Clark - Stage fright
Kim Worley - Punched through a wall
Heather Elizabeth Stone - Shoved off a roof
Sharon Bye - Crushed by giant pen
Keven Bye - Drowned in giant ink bottle
Mike Stone - Nazi marmot
Ozzie Lane - The Brown Death
Tom Tennille - Erratic dissection
Steven Slutsky - Covered in wax
Ross Slutsky - Shaved to the bone
Tom Blackerby - Meat grinder
Jeff Rosati - Gradually lowered into tar
Syed Shahrukh Hasan - Ruined by ducks
George McConnon - So much fire
Rob Olson - Several lasers
Nick Schult - Shat on by monsters
Jennifer Schult - Something unpleasant
Isaac Cowell - Sentient bread
Greg Parlmer - Cyborgs (not robots)
Victoria Bailey - Forced alcohol poisoning
Caleb Richardson - Thinly sliced
Peter Kingsbury - Slowly beheaded
Nathaniel West - Repeatedly twisted
Don Berry - Smeared liberally
Steven Berry - Nazi mice
David Wilkinson - Rectal insertions
Corey Lindsey - Tied to train tracks
Susan A Wallace - Tied to train
Mike W. Duncan - Whittled away
Glen Blagg - Long overlooked
Linda Frydl - Brain-smashed
Rick Moore - The French
Patrick Giallombardo - Run up a flagpole
Jonathan Mack - Robo-Hitler
Michelle Bird - Ghost Hitler
Alex Sime - Alien Hitler
Scott Schoba - Alternate Reality Hitler
Simon Nichols - Hitler tribute act
Angela Nichols - Actual Hitler
Gordon Keller - High speed spin cycle
Vicki Sue Jones - Nazi sparrows
Desmond Armstrong - Implosion
Leela Armstrong - Teeny tiny men
Scott Jenner - Eaten by giant
Digby Reardon - Buttons
B
uck Rogers - Sent to the distant future
Jenny Stoker - Died on a poker
Megs Long - Substantially shortened
Jamie Moriarty Thomson - A huge fucking snake
Gloria Jean Minnick - Miniaturized
Darcey Adamson - Large Hadron Collider
Sharon Roop - Distilled in vinegar
Rupert Doggsbottom - Thigh-slapped
Steve Dias - Disassembled
Leslie Vorhees - Aged prematurely
Alison Dishinger - Crocodile infested swamp
Jacob Brotbeck - An assortment of power tools
Jeff Goddard - One particular power tool
Andy Quickel - Deatomized
Colonel (Rtd) Jon Byrom - Buried in desert
Chris Henderson - Violently exfoliated
BioBob Henderson - Choked on cat
Roy Smith - Vaporized
Angela Weiner - Nazi woodlouse
Allen Lee - Mutant scorpions
Mary Margaret Devine - Nibbled by fish
Leslie Devine - A lot of frogs
Joe Bew - Hung, drawn, and quartered
Michelle Bew - Hung, drawn, quartered, and eighthed
Brandon Lam - Struck by lightning
Amy Clawson - Vending machine incident
Allen Molthan - Molthan Lava (see what I did there?)
Gary Turner - Halved by window
Francesca Knibbs - Firmly compressed
James Lee - Filled with sauerkraut
Ewan Lind - Sandblasted
Valerie Granger - Grabbed by a stranger
Deb & Stu Aitken - Toxic confetti
Rick Barrett - Nazi squirrel
Jack Barrett - Choked on nuts
Diana Giles - Sea serpent
Andy Seaton - Electric tornado
Vince Erceg - Leeches. So many leeches
Fabian J Valdes - Head-popping ray gun
Mark Sidanycz - A giant whisk
Adam Goldstein - A well-timed kick
Perry G. Fergin - Peregrine Falcon
Carol Gleeson - Parasite bugs
Malcolm Winn - Spider-dragon
Tom Hall - A bouncy ball
Christina Heine - Furious demi-god
Mojo Flucke, PhD - Hammond Organ
Rick Lambright - Nazi slugs
John Berryman - Rolling stones (not the band)
Joe Mulini - Glued to Washington Monument
Stacy Harper Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils
Quinn Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils
Jesse Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils
Olivia Watson - Tripped and fell. While fleeing sentient kitchen utensils.
Christopher Cicia - Sucked into television
Karen McAdam - Shoved in a fridge
Ryan Frazer - Multiple wormholes
Richard Womble - The Bulgarians
Don Sarginson - Forced strenuous exercise
U’i Lani Womble - Hypnotic suggestion
Jessica Smith - Torso removed
Graham Basden - Psychic dwarf
Richard Walpole - Magically induced constipation
Natalie Cleary - Evil shoes
David and Isobel Nurse - Smashed together
Mark Harwood - Pushed off bridge
James Mansell - Turned into ape
Estelle McNeill - Radioactive piercings
Garry Ferguson - Strangled by g-string (guitar)
Sherrill Neese - Stranged by g-string (not guitar)
Suzanne Ehrhardt - Chemical weapon disguised as adorable puppy
Rowan Kerwin - Adorable puppy
Ann Jackson - Several whales
Simon Bennett - Expertly aimed cucumber
Dave Rowlinson - Giant darts
Sharon Peters - Nazi goldfish
Tony Danza - Baked in foil
Hans Heussler - Too many sausages
Andrew Edmonds - A scary clown
Marge Pala - Whipped by lederhosen
Dave Fosbinder - Danced to death
Ashleigh Fosbinder - Embarrassment at above
Avery Fosbinder - Shame
Noah Fosbinder - Laughter
Broadus D. Weatherall - Turned to cheese
Charlene Lock P. - Soul torn asunder by folklore demons
Jacqui Ball Licht - Fell over
David L. Crooks, Jr. - Floated away
David L. Crooks, III - Cut into thirds
Lexa CrooksA - huge sheep
Barbara Crooks - A slightly less huge, albeit still massive sheep
Steve Collins - Vomited himself up
Ann Duff - Cheese grater
Samatha Cooper - Stretched
Athena Crooks - Compressed
Persephone Crooks - Innards made into balloon animals
Sasha Smith - Neck removed
Mark Bright - Brains removed through rectum
Steve Bright - Force-fed great literature
AUTHOR’S NOTES
Hey there, you! So, you’ve made it to the end of my longest novel to date. Well done. I hope it wasn’t too hard-going for you, and that you can now tell your Beef Chief from your Captain Handstand.
As well as being my longest novel so far, this was also my first book for adults that isn’t directly connected to Space Team, or set within the Space Team Universe. If you haven’t checked that series out yet, by the way, you definitely should. It’s a lot like the nonsense you just read, but in space. Space nonsense.
Since I had your attention, I thought I’d explain why I decided to write about superheroes. To do that, I have to jump back a bit to when I was around six or seven years old, and had zero interest in books. Seriously, I couldn’t stand ‘em. All those words? No thanks.
What I did love, though, was comics. I couldn’t get enough of those. Living in a remote part of the UK, there wasn’t a lot of choice, comic-wise, but every week I’d devour as many of the British titles as I could – The Beano, The Dandy, Whizzer & Chips – to name but a few you’ve probably never heard of.
I didn’t literally devour them, incidentally. That would’ve been madness.
Anyway, each issue was made up of maybe a dozen different stories featuring that comic’s regular characters. They were all short, funny, set-up and punchline type strips, running one or two pages long.
And I couldn’t get enough of them.
Someone who didn’t approve of comics, though? My teacher. She hated them. And, as a result, she didn’t particularly like me, either.
One day, when I was around 7, my class was taken to the small local village library, where we met the new librarian. She’d be in the job a few months, but this was the first time we’d properly met her. She was keen to know what we liked to read, so our teacher made us stand up one by one to talk about the books we most enjoyed.
She left me for last. Once everyone else had said the type of books they liked, they were directed to the relevant section, so by the end it was just me, my teacher, and the librarian, Mrs Macallister.
“Tell Mrs Macallister what you like to read, Barry,” my teacher said, practically sneering at me.
I stood up, feeling the weight of their gazes on me. I shuffled awkwardly, my head down.
“Comics,” I mumbled.
“Louder.”
“Comics,” I said. “I… I like comics.”
My teacher rolled her eyes and tutted. Mrs Macallister clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth a few times. “Comics?”
“I know!” shrieked my teacher. “Comics.”
Mrs Macallister raised a finger. “Wait there,” she said, then she vanished into the back store.
My heart began to race. What was she looking for? Was she off to fetch some sort of horrible torture device with which to punish me? Was she going to bring some other librarians out of hiding so they could all point and laugh at me?
She emerged a minute later, staggering under the weight of a cardboard box. With some effort, she deposited it at my feet.
; “There you go,” she said.
Cautiously, I opened the lid, still expecting some horrible trauma to befall me.
Instead, I came face to face with Spider-Man.
I’d heard about Spider-Man, of course, but I’d never seen one of his actual comics before. US comics never really made it as far of the Highlands of Scotland at that time, as far as I knew, and yet here one was, sitting in front of me.
I remember the feeling vividly, like an electric shock, as I saw that comic. It imprinted itself so vividly that when I spotted the exact issue for sale in a comic shop almost thirty years later – The Amazing Spider-Man #245, in case you were wondering – I recognized it immediately, and bought it for my collection. The comic that started it all.
There were over 200 comics in that box, and Mrs Macallister let me come to the library every day to read them. Through the box I lived adventures alongside Superman, Batman, the Hulk, Captain America and, of course, Spidey himself.
By the time I’d read them all, Mrs Macallister had single-handedly also managed to convert me into a reader of books. She was responsible for the first book I ever wrote, aged 9, too. But those are stories for another time.
Nowadays, I’m lucky enough to write comics, and have written for everything from The Beano, the comic that first hooked me even before that fateful library trip, to SuperMansion, based on the Bryan Cranston and Chris Pine-starring animated series. I’m even working on a Space Team comic series, which I plan to bring out at the tail end of 2018.
The Sidekicks Initiative is, I suppose, my love letter to comics, celebrating the lunacy and absurdity of the various comic book characters and the universes they inhabit. If you had half as much fun reading it as I had writing it, then I’ll be happy.
If you enjoyed it, I’d really appreciate you leaving the book a review. If you really enjoyed it, you might want to consider telling your friends about it, getting the logo tattooed on your face or supporting me on Patreon in return for various goodies.
If you hated it, then sorry for wasting your time, but respect for sticking it out all the way to the end. You’re made of stern stuff. I’m proud of you.
Until next time.
Best space wishes,
Barry J. Hutchison
Your Free Starter Library
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One final thing…
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