Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Authors’ Note
Introduction
PART I - WHEN YOUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL ADDICTION SHATTERS YOUR WORLD
Chapter 1 - What is Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress?
What is Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress? Trauma Defined
Trauma’s Symptoms and its Long-Lasting Effects
Post-Traumatic Stress and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Relational Traumas
Infidelity and Relational Trauma
What We See in Our Work with Partners
Partners’ Descriptions of Their Betrayal Experiences
Chapter 2 - A Study in Contrasts: Is it Co-Addiction or is it Trauma?
THE CO-ADDICTION PERSPECTIVE
THE TRAUMA PERSPECTIVE
Chapter 3 - Why Your Partner’s Sex Addiction Hurts So Much: Attachment Bonds Betrayed
Our Deepest Attachment Bond and Trauma Attachment Bonds: What They Are and ...
Fear of Abandonment: The Fundamental Human Fear
When Attachment Bonds are Betrayed: The Impact of Relational Trauma
The Destructive Effects of Repeated Relational Trauma
The Painful Effects of Delayed Reconnection
The Betrayal of the Marital Promise
HIV and STD Risks
Chapter 4 - How the Addiction and Trauma Models Differ in Helping You Heal
Many Partners Do Not Enable Once They Discover the Reality
A Messy Exterior Does Not Equal Codependency
The Addiction/12-Step Approach to Treatment
Strengths of the Addiction/12-Step Approach
What We Believe Gets Overlooked in the 12-Step Approach
The Importance of Knowing the Whole Truth
Partners Seek Truth, Not Control
Recognizing and Understanding a Partner’s Motivation
Why We Believe it’s Important to Re-Frame a Partner’s Reactions as Trauma
Is 12-Step Recovery Work a Good Adjunct in Your Healing Journey?
Chapter 5 - Trauma Impacts on Every Level: Potential Physical and Mental ...
Trauma, PTSD and Your Brain
Fear Activates the Amygdala
Where Does Stress End and Trauma Begin?
Action’s Countering Force
The Power of Powerlessness
The Mistake of “Emotion-Focused” Change
Neurochemical and Physiological Differences between Trauma and PTSD
Enter PTSD
The Chemistry Behind Indiscriminate Fight or Flight Responses
PTSD’s Impact on the Brain Can Skew Your Judgment
PTSD Interferes With One’s Ability to Self-Sooth
Nature’s Just-As-If Response
PTSD Can Interfere with Your Therapeutic Process
Earlier Life Trauma Can Set You Up for Trauma Later in Life
Trauma’s Body-Wide Damage
Trauma’s Impact on Mental Health
Trauma’s Supercharged Hormone Baths and Our Health
Cortisol: A Critical Culprit
Common Conditions that Trauma can Trigger
PART II - YOUR JOURNEY TOWARD WHOLENESS
Chapter 6 - Healing from Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress
Caveats in Healing from Betrayal Trauma
The Starting Point: Find Support Immediately
Consider a Specialized Counselor Who Can Provide a Directed, Supportive ...
Consider Including a Polygraph Test in Disclosure
Re-Establish Your Safety
Find or Build Good Support Systems
Consider Family Members or Close Friends If They Are “Safe”
Consider Your Minister, Rabbi or Other Clergy if He or She is “Safe”
Find a Counselor Who Specializes in Sex Addiction or Trauma if Possible
You May Need to Educate Your Support System about Trauma’s Effects
Join a “Partners of Sex Addicts” Support Group
Qualities Found in Healthy Groups
Seek a Doctor’s Help if You’re Struggling with Depression or Anxiety
An Additional Word about Suicidal Thoughts or Feelings
Create the Boundaries You Need to Feel Safe in Your Home Again
Triggers
Boundaries
Safety
A Shift in Focus from Making Your Partner Stop to Creating the Boundaries You ...
What Do I Need?
Identify Your Triggers and Consider Boundaries to Block Them
Plan for Triggering Situations
Do You Need Sexual Boundaries With Your Partner?
Do You Need A Temporary Separation? In-Home Separation
Actual Temporary Separation
What Other Boundaries Do You Need?
Practice Good Self-Care
The Three Components of Self-Care
Mental/Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
Good Self-Care Can Help You Continue to Care for Your Children and Continue ...
Chapter 7 - From Crisis to Stability
The Paralyzing Power of Fear and Grief
The Power of Fear
The Power of Grief
Creating Boundaries Between Yourself and Trauma’s Fear and Grief
Learning to Self-Soothe and Renew for Greater Self-Control and Peace
Mental and Physical “Loosening Techniques”
Distraction
Processing
Build the Quality of Resiliency in Your Personality
Understand and Conquer Dissociation Dissociation
What Causes Dissociation?
Countering Dissociation with Grounding and Impersonal Energy
Impersonal Energy
Eliminate Cognitive Distortions
Eliminate Negative Self-Talk
Learn and Use Positive Self-Talk
Begin Emotional Processing and Grieving
Get the Help of a Counselor if Possible
The Steps that Lead to Healing
Possible Methods for Processing Your Pain
A Closer Look at the Healing Methods Listed Externalize the Problem by Sharing ...
Nature Based Healing
Expressive Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
Renegotiating Your Trauma with a Counselor’s Therapeutic Interventions
Body Therapies
Chapter 8 - From Integration to Triumph
Cultivate Personal Empowerment
What Empowerment Is
The “F” Word: Consider Forgiveness
Integration and Transformation
Finding New Hope by Transforming Past Pain Into a Positive Purpose
PART III - STORIES FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Life After Trauma’s Impact
Chapter 9 - From the Hearts of Sex Addicts Who “Get It” and Care
Story One
Story Two
Story Three
Story Four
Story Five
Story Six
Chapter 10 - From the Lives of Partners and Former Partners of Sex Addicts
Story Seven
Story Eight
Story Nine
Story Ten
Conclusion
Appendix
Acknowledgements
Resources
Notes
Bibliography
Copyright Page
This book is dedicated to the many courageous women and men who openly shared their experiences in the hopes that others might receive the help and support they need. I’m grateful for the privilege of serving
as a witness to your journey through such difficult places. I have learned much from you. I also dedicate this to my husband who is the bravest man I know, and my daughters who are my delight. Ultimately, this work is dedicated to the glory of God; He is the one who can make all things new.
—Barbara Steffens, Ph.D.
To my mother, “Rusti” Eloise Farnworth, who rolled up her sleeves and helped me in practical ways; who listed as I dealt with my own trauma and grieved my painful losses; and who continues to be my biggest fan and my prayer warrior extraordinaire. Lord, what will I do without her when you take her home?
—Marsha Means, MA
Authors’ Note
This book is based on our research, a thorough study of the available literature and experience counseling patients, as well as our clients’ own real life experiences. Fictitious identities and names have been given to certain characters in this book in order to protect individual privacy and some characters are composites. For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably.
The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy.
Introduction
Unlike most books written for partners of sex addicts, this book is not written to help you understand the addict and his or her addiction. Rather, it is written to help you survive, recover and thrive, no matter what your partner does with his or her addiction.
Another distinct difference separates this book from others written for partners of sex addicts:1 Nowhere between these covers will you encounter information that automatically labels you a co-addict or a codependent. And nowhere will we tell you that you have a co-addiction, simply because you married a person you have since discovered struggles with sexual addiction.
These terms are often automatically used to label you by those who believe that you, along with your partner, have a problem or even an addiction from which you need to recover simply because you chose your partner in the first place. In past sex addiction literature, if partners of sex addicts compulsively check up on their spouses, become emotionally numb, feel anger or rage, placate their partners or isolate themselves, among a long list of other behaviors, many view them as showing signs of their own addictive tendencies and loss of self.
Nevertheless, we categorize your pain, confusion, distress, reactions and fear as natural responses to trauma. As the authors of this book, our deepest desire is to help you understand how you have been wounded and most likely traumatized so that you can bravely begin to heal. After years of experience and research, we believe that healing the pain from the trauma provides the shortest route to emotional and physical health and wholeness. We know many of you will comment, “Finally, someone is saying what I’ve intuitively known all along!”
We hope that, in time, these observations will empower and equip professionals hoping to provide alternate ways to understand and aid you in processing your pain so they can help you completely heal from its effect in your life. While not all partners of sex addicts are female, most of those who seek help are women married to male sex addicts. Little research exists that focuses on the male partner of a female sex addict. We believe that the material and suggestions found in these pages will help, encourage and bring healing to both men and women who are so deeply affected by the reality of sex addiction in their spouses. Even as we write, other mental health professionals incorporate Barbara’s study on the relationship of trauma and sexual addiction into their Web sites and practices. We believe that true hope, help and change will come, though it may come slowly.
In the meantime, information is power and we hope this information will empower you to recognize your needs and find help to heal your ongoing pain so that you can once again experience true joy in your life. This is our prayer for you.
PART I
WHEN YOUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL ADDICTION SHATTERS YOUR WORLD
Chapter 1
What is Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress?
The deep relational trauma Katherine experienced in her relationship with her husband is evident in her story.
Sitting there on the narrow staircase with a blanket wrapped around me, I couldn’t stop shaking. The sergeant and a female officer had just spent an hour and a half grilling me about my husband, Neil.
Unable to move, I listened as they repeated the whole process with my seventeen-year-old son. Only moments before he had returned from band practice and walked into this bizarre scene. Numb, I heard my son asking the same questions I had.
“How is any of this possible?”
“If this is true, wouldn’t I have seen it?”
“Why can’t I stop shaking like this?”
The sergeant and five others arrived to our home at 8:00 P.M., April 1. Ironically, April Fools’ Day. I thought it was a prank at first—a cruel prank—but as three of the officers began to scour our home computers as the sergeant and the female officer focused on me, I realized they weren’t joking. I took my youngest son to his room and turned up his television set.
My husband had been missing for twenty-four hours. He was on his way home from a business trip, but he never showed up.
“Your husband was arrested as he entered the country,” the sergeant said. “He’s been charged with possession of child pornography and he’s in jail.”
He was relentless as he began to grill me. As time went on, I think he must have realized I was going into shock and attempted to be gentler, but it didn’t change anything. What he said—what I heard about my husband—was not gentle.
The female officer never said anything. She just kept watching me, never taking her eyes off of me. Watching me intently.
I felt myself dissociating from reality. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, as if I was observing the whole scene, rather than participating in it. But mostly I was numb. Cold and numb.
What will this do to my children? I kept wondering. My two older kids were on their way to the house only to be told news about their father that was going to devastate them. They needed to know, but what was I going to say? How could I break the news that their father was in custody?
Eventually, the officers left. I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep, even though I was exhausted; more tired than I’ve ever been. I curled up in a ball and cried and prayed all night. I couldn’t think. I just cried and prayed.
Neil’s actions wounded Katherine deeply and left emotional scars—scars she must integrate into her life if she wants to completely heal from the experience.
Although trauma and post-traumatic stress have been recognized as common occurrences in the human experience for over a century, the acknowledgment of relational trauma evolved later as researchers began to note the extreme emotional pain and psychological damage we experience when betrayed or victimized by someone close.
As researchers studied relational trauma, they observed that its intensity increased when inflicted by someone we believe we can trust—someone we believe we can go to for support, like a parent, friend or romantic partner. In those times, the person we trust becomes our source of pain, as did Neil in Katherine’s life.
To gain a better understanding of trauma, let’s begin by looking at its general forms: trauma, post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We’ll look at what comprises these diagnoses of clustered symptoms and how they impact our ability to cope. Then we’ll take a closer look at relational traumas, the trauma category we believe partners of sex addicts fall into.
What is Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress? Trauma Defined
Two kinds of trauma exist: physiological trauma and psychological trauma. Each involves an injury that takes place during an extrinsic (or external) event. Physiological trauma damages our bodies and our psyches. In this section, we will focus only on the psychological form and its impact.
Reports and vividly colored photos and video footage of traumatic events fill our newspapers and news shows every day of our
lives. All who watched as airplanes crashed into the Twin Towers in New York City on September 11, 2001, know how a traumatic event looks and feels. Our awareness that thousands of family members with loved ones trapped in those buildings experienced unspeakable horror as they watched the same drama unfold inflicted us with a measure of their pain. But only a measure.
For the family members themselves, the trauma was far more devastating. Author Abigail Carter was among them. She writes:The phone rang. It was my husband telling me that he was at Windows of the World in the World Trade Center.
“There’s been a bomb!” he said. I had been preparing my six-year-old daughter for her second day of first grade, balancing my two-year-old son on my hip, and I was distracted. “Okay...” I managed to say. It was 8:49 A.M. on September 11, 2001. He never came home. 1
Before 9/11, Abigail believed she had everything she wanted in life, including a loving husband and two precious children. But in one destructive moment her life was forever broken into two starkly different chunks: before 9/11 and after 9/11.
Though we felt her faceless, nameless pain from a distance that morning, our lives were not irreparably altered forever. Abigail was at the personal epicenter of that traumatizing event. Our secondhand observations could never enable us to grasp the extent of what she endured that day or in all the days that followed it. Trauma remains a very personal experience.
Though psychological traumas don’t generally involve blood, their wounds can damage and cripple us just like those that wound our flesh. Actually, in many ways, their damage can be more severe and less likely to heal, because psychological trauma wounds remain invisible. They are often overlooked, mislabeled or misunderstood.
Psychological trauma frequently accompanies natural disasters and catastrophic events, but it also accompanies personal and relational traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, long-term extreme poverty and sexual betrayal. Such events cause intense psychological pain and overwhelm our ability to cope or to readily integrate the violations and emotions produced by these experiences.