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Black and Blues
It was midnight at the crossroads and the Devil sat waiting in his car when he spotted a black blues musician walking his way; casually, as to not to be too obvious, he locked the doors.
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Royalty and Their Olds
His grandfather’s money clip was truly a royal object, too noble for the valet’s eyes.
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Run, Buddy, Run!
Without the money to fund his senate candidacy, Buddy would have to be content to be a sled dog.
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Self-Help Tape #6 Side B
“The path to self-acceptance requires you to step out of your personal bubble – careful not to do it too soon or on Venus…”
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Roly on the Racetrack
The crowds wanted his blood, the car wanted to flip, and Roly didn’t want to give either the satisfaction, though no one could have foreseen or cheered louder at the eventual meeting of his vehicle and a Pegasus that had landed on the track.
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The Lamp in the Public School Library
Down to one wish with the genie, Horton used some of that good sense his mother gave him and sold the magic lamp for a million dollars.
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Oh, Obligation
So eager to hit send, I didn’t even consider what kind of emotional commitment I was making, and so here I am nine months later with over a dozen CDs that were good, but not great.
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HMOm
“Nothing to Fear, Dr. Mom is here!” words that were little comfort to Kenny, seeing as how she had lost her last three patients.
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The Loveable Tramp
“My friends totally pressured me into getting a tattoo – a tramp stamp – while I was drunk, and now all I get is a hard time in the locker room from the other guys.”
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Earth: 10, Hypergalactic Desire Imperium: 10
The last game to decide the Earth’s fate revolved around a playing field of ice and weights that had to be pushed by brush onto a painted ring; when all hope of deciphering the logic of this alien game was lost amongst the world’s champions, that’s when the Canadian stepped up to the rink of destiny.
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In His Prime
There are things in this life that you hope you never witness, like your father collapsing to the ground, though when he completes his transformation into a semi it’s just bitchin’.
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A Pause
Killian Reid’s late show audience didn’t cheer on cue, but instead looked around nervous and confused – it was those cheapass applause signs he warned his producer about, the Chinese-made ones that read, “Give the Clap”.
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Metaphorically
I consider myself a turtle metaphorically because I tend to become more withdrawn when facing a problem, which happens more often than you would think for a nautilus.
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Elephant Skin
“Clothes-wearing punks!” yelled Bruiser as he chased the trespassers out of the nude beach’s septuagenarian section.
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The Interview
At the interview, I ordered the most expensive meal on the menu and the finest bottle of wine, making an impeccable impression that would surely secure me the job of “rich person”.
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He’s Not Coming Back
It’s always unfortunate to see a valued coworker go, especially when you’re on a moon mission.
Schrodinger’s Cos
Sometimes as an artist, one devises a title to an unfinished work that they know will provoke so much anticipation in its audience to receive a composition that sustains the energy of its title’s sheer awesomeness that the pressure to deliver that genius becomes so overwhelming that the writer must abandon the endeavor, yet cannot bear to let the title that inspired their most spectacular story to never be and therefore must impossibly conceive it to exist and not exist at the same time.
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Preparing for His Return
There were pictures of him plastered all over the walls, figurines with his likeness deposited on every free ledge or tabletop, and even full-scale replicas of him dotting the yard, because the Kapowskis knew that in order to be truly blessed with his gifts, they would have to appeal to Santa’s colossal ego.
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Doctor Speedy
“Tonsils, testicles, I think it can be argued that at a glance they’re pretty similar words, Mr. Davies, and so there’s no hard feelings, that tonsillectomy we owe you is on me.”
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History of Gum
The domestication of gum had taken years of brave gum breeders gradually chewing the gaminess out of their stock to produce the multitude of long-lasting, flavorful varieties we enjoy today.
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Getting to Know Grammar
For Adjy, being an adjective was… it was… well, it was… huh…
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Every Excellent Idea is Not Excellent Always
Knowing that her readers could always tell when the story was going to end, Beth wrote only a code on the last page that would unlock a website with the last chapter, which would have worked ingeniously for a suspense novel, though maybe not so much for a coloring book.
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Adorable Fallacies
Marla thought it was cute that Dave still said “ding-a-ling” instead of penis, though it was much less cute when his multi-pronged rape tentacles began flailing with unquenchable lust.
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Elmer’s Reason
Now that Elmer had a hot air balloon, he could finally come up with a new reason to not go hot air ballooning.
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Badda Badda Dodo
No one could have suspected the return of the Dodo, bursting through the door with Uzis.
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Old Country
“I was born ornery and I’m a die ornery, I’m a son of a gun – the only things I own in this life is my grit, my land, my rifle, and my breadmaker…”
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Terror-ish
The leader faltered a bit as he realized he had only named two countries in his Triad of Evildoing, then quickly improvised: “and… Transylvania – I don’t think I need to explain the threat that country poses to the living of our great nation…”
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Eighth Album Song Lyric
The saddest thing in the room is you, baby, when you’re sad and in my room.
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Me and My Pterosaur
To the shaggy kid with the orange soda spilled on his Dig ‘Em t-shirt, the kite he was flying was his pet pterodactyl, and the bucket-headed sand woman next to my towel was totally coming on to me.
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Silverbeet
“The Swiss chard is known by many names and if you recognize any of the following, please call the Crime Line at 818…”
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There’s No Such Thing as Doggie Heaven
Stunned to find out he was dead and that there really was a Heaven, Craig was even more puzzled when his dead relatives broke out in a panicked run in the middle of their reunion; it was in the terrifying seconds that followed that he found out Heaven was all-inclusive, and that went for velociraptors too.
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The End of Potential
“Well, kid, you had good ideas once, now you’re just the third best stereo salesman at the Pembroke Pines Circuit City.”
Lemurs are Cool
For the creatures of pre-human Madagascar, there was less environmental pressure to evolve than on the continents, yet a lot more to smoke.
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10000 Gil
EDGAR could back me up – one of the stats gold armor does not raise is resistance versus getting jumped for your gold armor.
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Call Me, Pixar
The officer pulled the note f
rom the dagger in the cold, face down body – “Stay out of the skies… tell the bats,” read the sarge, as the flying squirrel homicide division scratched their furry, stumped little heads.
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Mark of Genius
On their hike, they had stumbled across a mattress half-covered in orange leaves in the woods and pondered how it got there; twenty miles away, Randy the boy genius once more began dragging the soiled evidence to his shame cannon.
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Satisfying Dump Truck
She could back up and take a load no problem, but after only working her for a week, Raul didn’t feel right personifying his dump truck just yet.
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This Story Will Help Make Stew
My bitterness-powered crockpot didn’t see a lot of use – oh, I’m plenty bitter, yeah, I just hate cleaning the damn thing.
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Trout Lake
“You ever think that, just maybe – crazy notion – we should drain the lake of blood so that Sartok the Soul Eater can’t be resurrected every one hundred years to wreak his horrible flesh-stripping vengeance?”
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Why I No Longer Live in L.A.
Traffic on the 5 was particularly bad on Russ’ commute home from work today, backed up all the way to 1988.
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Not Everyone is a Miserable Son-of-a-Bitch, Some are Harbor Seals
Day in and day out, feeding the pelicans and the harbor seals scraps at the dock after another lousy catch, Lopez couldn’t help but remember the time he saw the mermaid and how much she sold for at the fish market.
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The Reality of the Situation
Mr. Krunklewurst, my imaginary friend, revealed to me that night that I was actually the imaginary one, and then proceeded to neither see nor hear me anymore as he plowed my mom.
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New Neck Friend
Tommy was deathly afraid of black widows, at least, he was after I told him what was biting his neck.
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Unproductivity is a Word If You Went to Public School
Underneath my Donkey Kong comforter, I pretended I was a world famous spelunker; one cubicle over, Donna popped another piece of nicotine gum and chatted with a man who claimed to advertise on a NASCAR.
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Summer Memories
Us kids had rushed down to the lake with the morning sun inducing squints when the smell hit us – and there, under a rowboat, we discovered the carp carcass, and we waited for fireworks salesmen who never came.
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Cakethulhu
In between the florist and the pet store, Francine had opened a tiny pink and white cake shop – where all day in her floppy baker’s cap – she baked the sweetest, most tender cakes you had ever seen shaped like the Elder Gods.
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Number 6
“Her…” I said, pointing unthinkingly, having spotted an old flame in the most bizarre location; in retrospect, I should have clarified my reaction to the lineup cop.
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Apostles of the Coin from the Ear
Mark tried to pretend he was enjoying it, but the truth was, even though it had been quite a neat trick, Jesus’ wine from water tasted less than miraculous.
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In the Summer of His Youth
The wave moves in, I take a sip, the water moves out, repeat, the wet sand reflects the last bit of a sun that shone over one of my best days.
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Short Bus Betting Pool
The kids had been out there for hours at the neighborhood bus stop, slowly approaching the magical Saturday hour that would net Mr. Jenkins the cool hundred he needed to start the divorce ball rolling.
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Super Dad
“Imagine life as a herd animal; one moment you’re eating grass – then suddenly wild dogs have knocked you on your back and are ripping out and feasting on your guts and it’s so quick and painful that you die from shock… well, the first day of second grade doesn’t seem so bad in comparison now – does it, Princess?”
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Me-and-You-Boat
Somehow Sabrina’s breakup was already the talk of the first floor apartments; the submarine captain in #106 wondered if periscope ownership would help him snag her on the rebound.
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The Best Ride Ever
The alternative to learning at Principal Stevens’ school was a ticket to “The Best Ride Ever”, though you had to get your parents to sign a slip of paper okaying catapult field trips.
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Cherry Garbage
Out in the dorm hallway trash can, a porno mag was left cracked opened with vulgar aplomb on the top of the heap, which meant that technically the croissant I could still taste hadn’t been in the garbage.
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Career Opportunities
A man could get a profoundly different perspective on the world as a window washer, also spit on people.
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Life Lesson Raft
I took a swig from the near-empty canteen and was about to pass it to George when I paused, then shifted my arm outward and poured the rest of it into the salty brine right in front of his thirsty eyes as it dawned on me that the bastard had never returned my copy of Mannequin.
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February Box Office Results Make Me Advocate Nuclear War
“Abstandish FX, lugubriosive plot, and irredescrippable heart – a movie of pure grandleburg for everyone, including unquestibly literate reviewers.”
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Brian Stem
A colossal cacophony of junk facts, white noise, and inactivity, that was the cause of the great brain rebellion – only us Brians passed the checkpoints, because at a glance our names looked similar to the ones of our new mind overlords.
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Familiar Places
His new wife was older but aged to perfection, so much so that he would have bragged about her to all his friends if he wasn’t Oedipus.
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The Bigger the Hands, The Better the Thanksgiving
“Oh, Lord, we don’t have much but on this Thanksgiving day, we give our thanks for your bounty of hand-turkey, which will then become hand-turkey sandwiches, and then hand-turkey pot pie, and finally hand-turkey beak soup…”
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Reflection Near the Mirror Where We Changed
It was the last time he’d see her naked.
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Pathetic
Oh, brother, hitting on a girl just because she was in a band and bought a round of drinks and announced to the audience that she had found her soul mate and looked just like the girl in the picture that that gypsy drew and smelled just like your boyhood home and called her fiancée to dump him on the spot and cosigned a lease for a townhouse with you – yeah, whatever, go for it, Bronsky, you hopeless bastard.
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Snack Machine
“Out of ram” the display read, so after the initial alarm, heads cooled and the mountain lion’s paw thwacked the button for elk.