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    The Cat on the Mat is Flat


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      Contents

      COVER

      TITLE PAGE

      COPYRIGHT PAGE

      THE CAT, THE MAT, THE RAT AND THE BASEBALL BAT

      ED AND TED AND TED’S DOG FRED

      PINKY PONKY THE SHONKY, WONKY, BONKY DONKEY

      FROG ON A LOG IN A BOG

      HARRY BLACK, THE SACK, THE SNACK AND A SNEAKY SNACK-STEALING YAK CALLED JACK

      DUCK IN A TRUCK IN THE MUCK

      UNLUCKY LOU, A KIND KANGAROO, A HOLE IN A SHOE AND SOME EXTRA-SUPER-FAST-STICKING SUPER-ROO-GLUE

      BILL AND PHIL AND THE VERY BIG HILL

      ANDY G, TERRY D, THE BRAVE TEA-LADY AND THE EVIL BEE

      Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s funniest and most successful authors. His books include the extremely popular Just! series, which has sold over two million copies worldwide, as well as the New York Times bestselling Bum trilogy. He lives in Melbourne with his wife, two daughters and one (non-flat) cat.

      Tenderised at an early age by his four brothers, Terry Denton somehow survived childhood in inner suburban Melbourne. He escaped to the seaside where he started writing and illustrating children’s books. He is best known for his illustrations in Andy Griffiths’ Just! series and The Bad Book, and for his own Gasp! books and Wombat and Fox stories. He shares a house with his wife and three children and a lawn mower and an electric pencil sharpener and a pop-up toaster that only toasts toast on one side.

      ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

      AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

      Just Tricking!

      Just Annoying!

      Just Stupid!

      Just Crazy!

      Just Disgusting!

      The Bad Book

      ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

      The Day My Bum Went Psycho

      Zombie Bums From Uranus

      Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

      ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

      (with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)

      Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy:

      Creating a healthier lifestyle for you and your children

      First published 2006 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

      1 Market Street, Sydney

      Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2006

      Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2006

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

      National Library of Australia

      Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

      Griffiths, Andy, 1961–.

      The cat on the mat is flat.

      For primary school children.

      ISBN 978 0 330 42260 4.

      ISBN 0 330 42260 X.

      1. Humorous stories, Australian. 2. Children’s stories, Australian.

      I. Denton, Terry, 1950 –. II. Title.

      A823.3

      Internal design by Liz Seymour and Terry Denton

      Typeset in 18/25 Janson Text

      Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

      The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

      Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

      These electronic editions published in 2006 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

      1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

      The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

      All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

      The Cat on the Mat is Flat

      Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton

      Adobe eReader format

      978-1-74197-012-8

      Mobipocket format

      978-1-74197-414-0

      Online format

      978-1-74197-615-1

      EPub format

      978-1-74197-982-4

      Macmillan Digital Australia

      www.macmillandigital.com.au

      Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

      THE CAT,

      THE MAT,

      THE RAT,

      AND THE

      BASEBALL BAT

      The cat sat.

      The cat sat on the mat.

      The cat sat on the mat

      and as it sat

      it saw a rat.

      The cat jumped up

      and chased

      the rat

      around

      and around

      and around

      the mat.

      The rat did not like

      being chased by the cat,

      and after three laps

      around the mat

      the rat said,

      ‘That’s enough of that!’

      And it went

      and got …

      a baseball bat.

      The rat

      chased the cat.

      The rat

      chased the cat

      with the

      baseball bat.

      Around

      and around

      and around

      the mat

      the rat

      chased the cat

      with the baseball bat

      until …

      Never again

      did that cat

      chase the rat—

      the cat

      was much too flat

      for that.

      ED AND TED

      AND

      TED’S DOG

      FRED

      There was a man

      whose name was Ed.

      Ed lived in a shed

      with his friend Ted.

      Ted had a dog

      whose name

      was Fred.

      Ed liked Ted

      and Ted liked Ed

      and Fred liked Ted

      but he didn’t like Ed.

      One morning Fred

      jumped on Ed’s bed.

      Ed said: ‘Fred,

      get off my bed!’

      But Fred

      just growled

      and bit Ed’s head.

      Ed saw red

      and then

      he said:

      ‘I’m fed up

      with Fred

      always biting

      my head!

      I’m leaving this shed.’

      And he went

      to his car

      (which

      was

      red).

      He

      jumped in

      and away he sped.

      Ted said:

      ‘Ed! Come back to the shed!’

      But Ed just shook his head

      and fled.

      So Ted jumped in his car

      (which was also red).

      But it wouldn’t start.

      The battery was dead.

      Ted stamped his feet

      and his face went red.

      ‘Bother! Bother! Bother!’ he said.

      ‘I’ll have to take the sled instead.’

      Ted hitched up Fred

      to the front of the sled

      (which, by the way,

      was also red)


      and away

      from the shed

      sped Fred and Ted.

      Ted and

      Fred

      sped

      after Ed.

      Ted saw

      Ed’s

      red car

      up ahead.

      ‘Faster,

      ‘Faster,

      Fred!’

      said Ted.

      Ted and Fred

      were gaining on Ed,

      but all of a sudden,

      Ed stopped dead.

      There was

      a road block

      and a sign that read,

      ‘STOP! DO NOT DRIVE!

      BIG CLIFF AHEAD!’

      Ted said, ‘Fred!

      Stop the sled!’

      But Fred

      could not.

      On they sped!

      Ted and Fred

      smashed into Ed.

      Over

      the

      cliff

      Ed

      plumm-et-ed!

      Closely

      followed

      by

      Ted

      and

      Fred.

      They

      hit the water

      and

      sank like lead.

      Poor Ed

      and Ted

      and Ted’s dog

      Fred!

      They were

      drowning

      and

      almost dead ...

      when they were swallowed

      by a whale

      called

      Ned.

      ‘Bother!’ said Ed.

      ‘Bother!’ said Ted.

      ‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’ said

      Ted’s dog Fred,

      as they bobbed around

      in the belly of Ned.

      Ed and Ted and Ted’s dog Fred

      were certain

      they were surely dead,

      but the

      whale called Ned—

      who was overfed—

      blew Ed

      and Ted

      and Ted’s dog Fred

      out of

      the hole

      in the top

      of his head.

      Up,

      up,

      up,

      flew

      Ed

      and

      Ted.

      Up,

      up,

      up,

      flew Ted’s

      dog

      Fred

      and

      then ...

      down,

      down,

      down,

      they all did

      head!

      ‘Oh no,’

      said Ted

      with deathly

      dread.

      ‘We’ll hit

      the ground.

      We’ll end up

      dead!’

      ‘Fear not,’

      said Ed,

      to his friend Ted,

      stretching a

      handkerchief

      over his head.

      ‘Hang on to me, Ted!

      Hang on to Ted, Fred!’

      and

      down

      to

      the

      ground

      they

      para-chut-ed.

      ‘Thank you,

      thank you, Ed!’ said Ted.

      ‘Thanks to you we are not dead!’

      ‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’

      said Ted’s dog Fred

      as he jumped up

      and LICKED

      Ed’s head.

      Ed

      hugged

      Fred!

      Fred

      hugged

      Ed!

      Ted

      hugged

      Fred!

      Fred

      hugged

      Ted!

      Ed

      hugged

      Ted!

      Ted

      hugged

      Ed!

      And

      they

      lived happily

      ever after ...

      in their shed.

      PINKY PONKY

      THE SHONKY,

      WONKY,

      BONKY

      DONKEY

      This is the story of Pinky Ponky.

      Pinky Ponky was a donkey.

      Pinky Ponky’s tail was shonky.

      Pinky Ponky’s leg was wonky.

      Pinky Ponky’s brain was bonky.

      And that’s the story

      of Pinky Ponky:

      the shonky,

      wonky,

      bonky

      donkey.

      FROG

      ON A

      LOG

      IN A

      BOG

      There once was a frog

      who lived in a bog.

      The frog rode around

      on a jet-rocket log.

      There was no faster

      frog in the bog.

      But then one day

      while riding its log

      the frog looked up

      and saw a dog.

      The dog

      was riding

      a jet-rocket cog.

      ‘My cog is faster

      than your boggy old log,’

      said the dog on a cog

      to the frog on a log.

      ‘My log is faster

      than your rusty old cog,’

      said the frog on a log

      to the dog on a cog.

      ‘We’ll see about that!’

      said the dog on a cog.

      ‘I challenge you, frog,

      to a race round the bog!’

      ‘I agree!’ said the frog.

      ‘It’s you and your cog

      versus me and my log ...

      and I’m going

      to beat you,

      Dog-on-a-cog.’

      But just then

      along came

      the boss

      of the bog:

      a big fat hairy

      slob of a hog.

      ‘STOP!’ said the hog

      to the dog and the frog.

      ‘Racing is NOT

      allowed in my bog!

      Not on a log!

      Not on a cog!

      No log-racing frogs!

      No cog-racing dogs!

      Do you hear me,

      Frog-on-a-log?

      Do you hear me,

      Dog-on-a-cog?’

      But the dog and the frog

      just laughed at the hog—

      and took off at high speed

      around the bog.

      The frog on a log

      got in front of the dog!

      Then the dog on a cog

      got in front of the frog!

      The frog raced its log

      and the dog raced its cog

      around

      and around

      and around the bog

      until ...

      up ahead

      they saw the hog

      standing on top of a

      wall made of logs!

      ‘Stop!’ cried the hog.

      ‘Stop, dog!

      Stop, frog!

      Stop this race around my bog!’

      ‘But we’re going too fast!’

      cried the frog on a log.

      ‘We CANNOT stop!’

      cried the dog on a cog.

      Into the air flew the dog and the frog.

      Into the air flew the log and the cog.

      Into the air flew the hog and his logs.

      And then

      down came the dog

      on top of the cog!

      Down came the frog

      on top of the dog!

      And last of all

      down came the hog—

      right on top of

      the frog’s

      rocket log!

      ‘Hey, this is fun!’

      said the log-riding hog

      as he rode the frog’s log

      past the dog and the frog.

      ‘I’m the fastest hog on a log in the bog!

      Try to catch me, dog and frog!

      Try to catch me on the cog!’


      ‘Okay!’ said the frog.

      ‘It’s you on the log

      versus us on the cog,

      and we’re going

      to beat you,

      Hog-on-a-log.’

      And so the dog and the frog

      on the jet-rocket cog

      spent the rest of the day

      racing the hog ...

      around

      and around

      and around the bog.

      HARRY BLACK,

      THE SACK,

      THE SNACK

      AND A SNEAKY

      SNACK-STEALING

      YAK CALLED JACK

      There was a man

      called Harry Black.

      Harry Black had a sack.

      In his sack he had a snack.

      He carried the sack

      with the snack on his back.

      One day while walking

      down a track,

      Harry Black met Jack the Yak.

      ‘Hello, Jack,’ said Harry Black.

      ‘Hello, Harry Black,’ said Jack.

      ‘Is that a snack I can

      smell in your sack?’

      ‘Why, yes, it is,’

      said Harry Black.

      ‘I carry a snack

      in the sack on my back.’

      ‘Can I have some, Harry Black?’

      said Jack the Yak, who had no snack.

      ‘No way, Jack,’ said Harry Black.

      ‘Get your own snack, Jack the Yak!’

      ‘You’ll be sorry,’

      said Jack the Yak.

      ‘You’ll be sorry, Harry Black!’

     


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