Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life
Copyright © 2005 by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Not responsible for the weather, the moon, or scalding nature of soup.
Not responsible for the extra s some people add to the word occasion.
Not responsible for the short, edible window between the banana is not ripe enough and the banana is rotten.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rosenthal, Amy Krouse.
Encyclopedia of an ordinary life : volume one / Amy Krouse Rosenthal.—1st ed.
1. Rosenthal, Amy Krouse. 2. Women—United States—Biography. I. Title.
CT275.R7855A3 2004
973.931’02’07—dc22 2004011332
eISBN: 978-0-307-42065-7
Not responsible for the lovely ladybug
or purple iris
or flirtatious glance
that was yours to enjoy
but which you did not notice.
Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life was written in Chicago at
Julius Meinl Coffeehouse and Katerina’s Café.
v3.1_r1
Reader’s Agreement
You agree not to reproduce, replicate, or reprint any of the material in this book without our consent. When reading this book, you agree to give it your undivided attention—that means no pretend half-reading while calling and placing an order for Thai takeout. At the end of each page, you agree to thrust your arms upward and emit a loud, staccato Hey! just like circus performers do at the end of each stunt. You agree that, on any given weekend, there are way too many mattress sales. You agree that while black is technically the absence of color, it makes more sense for it to be all the colors combined, and, likewise, that white should be the peaceful, blank absence of color. As for nonfiction and fiction, you agree those should be switched as well; nonfiction should be the non-true one, and fiction, true. You obviously also agree that playwright should be spelled playwrite. You agree that, yes, it is astounding, the human ability to eat at seemingly inappropriate times, like after a funeral, or at a charity luncheon featuring a Holocaust survivor flown in from Amsterdam. You agree to refrain from complaining on Monday about it being Monday, and acknowledging on Thursday that it is almost Friday. You agree to see for yourself just how perfectly this book cues up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz. You agree—because it is just so sad and ridiculous—to refrain from talking on your cell phone while working out at your health club or walking your child into school. You agree to provide us with your Visa number (please include expiration date) and approval to spend up to five hundred dollars on merchandise from the current Anthropologie catalog. You secretly admit that, yeah, your favorite word is your own name—don’t worry, that’s normal; studies have shown that there is an actual physiological response upon hearing your name, that hearing your name releases some sort of happy hormone. This makes sense: Remember when you were a kid and they did roll call? Didn’t you feel good when they got to your name? “Ava?” “Here!” And even now, when you pass someone in the hall at work, don’t you feel a certain tingle when the colleague says, “Hi, Ava,” instead of just “Hi”? You agree that, yes, we all suffer, perhaps even daily and deeply, but who wants to hear it? You agree that some women look sophisticated wearing a shawl, others foolish.
Yes, I agree to these terms.
Foreword
I was not abused, abandoned, or locked up as a child. My parents were not alcoholics, nor were they ever divorced or dead. We did not live in poverty, or in misery, or in an exotic country. I am not a misunderstood genius, a former child celebrity, or the child of a celebrity. I am not a drug addict, sex addict, food addict, or recovered anything. If I indeed had a past life, I have no recollection of who I was.
I have not survived against all odds.
I have not lived to tell.
I have not witnessed the extraordinary.
This is my story.
—AMY KROUSE ROSENTHAL, age 39
Chicago
June 2004
Characters
JASON husband
JUSTIN older son
MILES younger son
PARIS daughter
CHARISE close friend and collaborator
The action all takes place in America at the end of the twentieth century, beginning of the twenty-first.
Contents
Cover
Copyright
Title Page
Reader’s Agreement
Foreword
Characters
Acknowledgments
Orientation Almanac
Evolution of This Moment
Pause
Alphabetized Existence
Permissions
About the Author
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank you for reading this book.
Publisher’s Note
We invite you to add your name
to the list of people who have
ever read this book and who were
personally thanked (by e-mail) by
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encyclopediaofanordinarylife.com.
World Population
6.16 billion
Top CNN Stories 2000–2005
September 11
Dot-com bubble burst
Enron scandal
Iraq War
Clinton and Lewinsky
Harry Potter
Atkins/Low-Carb
Gay Marriage
Countries in Power
United States
China
Russia
England
Germany
Japan
To Whom Americans Attribute Power
Movie stars
Rock stars
Sports stars
Rich people
Major political figures
Cost of Living Averages
Stamp
Pack of gum
Gallon of gas
Loaf of bread
Pack of cigarettes
Movie tickets
Hardcover book
Pair of Levi’s
37¢
$1.00
$1.80
$1.90
$2.50
$3.80
$9.25
$24.95
$32.00
Confirmed Planets
Mercury
Venus
Earth
Mars
Jupiter
Saturn
Uranus
Neptune
Pluto
Highest-Rated Television Shows
Super Bowl
World Series
NBA Championship
Academy Awards
The Sopranos
American Idol
Reality-television shows
What We Call the Other Driver When Angry
Bitch
Asshole
Fucking bitch
Fucking asshole
Ways We Exercise
Jogging
Biking
Spin classes
Treadmill
Lifting weights
Pilates
Yoga
Common Signs
Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work
Not Responsible for Lost or Stolen Property
Please Do Not Throw Sanitary Napkins, Tampons, or
Paper Towels in Toilet
No Parking
Pedestrian Crossing
Beware of Dog
No Soliciting
Machines We Own
Television
Computer
Cell phone
CD player and iPod
Washing machine and dryer
Dishwasher
Coffeemaker
VCR and DVD player
Video camera
Digital camera
Microwave oven
Popular Kids’ Names
Jacob
Michael
Matthew
Joshua
Christopher
Nicholas
Andrew
Joseph
Daniel
Tyler
Emily
Hannah
Madison
Ashley
Sarah
Alexis
Samantha
Jessica
Taylor
Elizabeth
Childhood Rhymes
Eenie Meenie Miney Moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
If he hollers let him go
Eenie Meenie Miney Moe
To buy a loaf of bread,
He asked me what my name was
And this is what I said:
Elvis Presley
Girls are sexy
In the bath
Drinking Pepsi
Had a baby
Named her Daisy
Had another one
He was crazy
So this is what I said:
Supersonic idiotic overloaded disconnected bubble butt.
We must
We must
We must increase our bust
The bigger the better
The tighter the sweater
The boys depend on us
Most Popular After-School Activities
Seasonal sports (soccer, football, basketball, baseball)
Karate, Tae Kwon Do
Chess
Dance (ballet, jazz, hip-hop)
Gymnastics
Music lessons (piano, violin, guitar, drums)
Colors of the Rainbow
Red Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Indigo
Violet
Colors of the J. Crew Catalog
Orchid
Grape
Pacific
Grass
Ink
Cantaloupe
Oasis Lilac
Sex
Kissing
Breasts fondling
Manual stimulation
Oral sex
Penetration
Excuses
Kid sick
Working late
Baby-sitter canceled
Car wouldn’t start/in shop
Stuck in traffic
Something came up
How We Answer the Question “How Are You?”
Good
Fine
Stressed out
Tired
Great
Busy
What We Take to Feel Better
Advil
Cigarette (tobacco, marijuana)
Glass of wine
A beer
A cocktail
Valium
Prozac
What We Say When We Bang Our Knee on the Corner of the Table, Burn a Hand on a Hot Skillet, or Get Frustrated Trying to Untangle a Computer Cord
Shit!
Fuck!
Fucking shit!
Goddamn it!
Jesus H. Christ!
Numbers and Codes We All Memorize
Phone number and home address
Cell number
Pager number
Fax number
Pin number (cash machine card)
Social Security number
E-mail password
Amazon returning customer password
Home security system code
ID number for voice mail
Acronyms That Are Common But Confusing
NASDAQ (tech stock index)
NASCAR (association for race-car drivers)
ASCAP (society for authors, composers, and publishers)
NAACP (African-American organization)
NAPSTER (online music entity)
NASA (space program)
NETSCAPE (computer browser)
NESCAFÉ (coffee company)
Dialogue as We Pass Coworker in Hall
Hi. How’re you?
Good, thanks, you?
Hey. What’s up?
Not much. You?
Letters in Our Alphabet
Common Slang
Dude
What up
Yo
Whack
Sweet
Bling-bling
My bad
Most Frequently Used Words
Hi
Bye
Okay
No
Yes
965
Sei Shonagon born.
1965
One thousand years later AKR born, Chicago, Illinois.
1965
Agatha Christie writes the epilogue in her autobiography:
Long walks are off, and alas, bathing in the sea; fillet steaks and apples and raw blackberries (teeth difficulties) and reading fine print. But there is a great deal left. Operas and concerts, and reading, and the enormous pleasure of dropping into bed and going to sleep, and dreams of every variety.… Almost best of all, sitting in the sun—gently drowsy … And there you are again—remembering. “I remember, I remember, the house where I was born.…”
1966
AKR’s first word:
more.
1969
From this point on, draws constantly.
1975
Notices and likes certain signs and phrases.
For example: Billboard for new subdivision going up in her town says GREATEST EARTH ON SHOW. Clicks for her.
They’ve reversed the circus saying, greatest show on earth … cool.
And loves this sign at friend’s pool:
THIS IS OUR OOL.
NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT.
1976, Card to parents
Twenty-some years later, gets inordinate pleasure out of creating anniversary card for her parents, Paul and Ann:
HAPPY (PAUL AND) ANNIVERSARY
1976
Discovers Ziggy. Remains an obsession throughout teen years.
1977
Paints little Lucite box with words Pop’s Corn, fills it with a bit of popcorn, and gives it to Dad on Father’s Day. Father appropriately responds by keeping it on his bureau for the next twenty-five years.
1978–1990
Links new vocabulary words with the person she first heard use them:
Father: Integrity
Jeff: Nefarious
Peter: Industrious
1982
English teacher, Mrs. Lowey, instructs class to keep a journal.
Summer 1984
Gets job at popcorn shop painting decorative tins as gifts.
Boss tells her she is good at coming up with timely, sellable ideas (like painting the phrase Girls Just Want to Have Fun and the Ghostbusters logo) but that her work is messy, poorly painted. She agrees, but doesn’t like the executing, just the idea part of it.
1985
Tries to write fiction in creative writing class in college. Keeps writing the truth, stuff that actually happened. Teacher says make things up. Ultimately, alters her
assignments and is supportive.
1986
Journal from year in Paris:
I think 90 percent of what/who we are is never really verbally communicated.…
I like to write things down—moments, memories, lists, quotes, thoughts. Compulsively sometimes.
I need to gather all the thoughts that are locked in my head and put them on paper. Will my memory ever fail me? Maybe that’s the precaution I’m taking.
1986
During summer internship at ad agency, boss gives pivotal three-word critique of her research-related writing:
Express vs. Impress.
July 9, 1987
From journal:
Mom thinks I’ll be a writer someday.
1987
Worries about mastering the segue. Is there a kind of writing where each paragraph does not drift fluidly and seamlessly into the next?
July 20, 1987
Tells manager at Baker’s Square that restaurant’s sign shouldn’t be round.
1988–1997
Lands job as advertising copywriter.
Loves distillation of ideas, concise writing, short attention span compatibility.
Job pretty much a blast.
Upon meeting for first time, boss Jeff tells her, You don’t look like a writer.
Sees that the word Levi’s is in the word television …
Tries unsuccessfully to sell campaign around the tagline
Levi’s have always been a part of television with clips of famous
TV characters wearing Levi’s.
Thinks her client Kraft should do something called
The Krafterschool Special, à la the special after-school movies that aired in the seventies.
Goes nowhere.
1989
Reads The Day I Became an Autodidact, by Kendall Hailey.
Writes author and receives letter back. Thus begins Pavlovian habit of writing earnest letters to authors whose work has moved her, a fact that embarrasses her later when she comes to think of it.
Drawn to charts, signage, unusual formats for writing.
Produces items for her own amusement.
Discovers word-oriented artists Barbara Kruger, Jenny Holzer, and later Stephanie Brooks.