2
“Jennifer?”
3
Jennifer looked up from her fat paperback.
4
“You think something coulda happened to Kate?”
5
Jennifer looked at her kindly. “No, kiddo. But I’m starting to 6
think she forgot you were coming.”
7
“Kate never forgets things like that.”
8
Putting down her book, Jennifer leaned toward Josie. “Things 9
have been really strange around here lately. I don’t know how 10
much you’ve heard about what’s happened. But there were two 11
people killed here. Kate knew both of them pretty well. She’s had 12
a lot on her mind lately. It’s my fault. I should have reminded her 13
you were coming.”
14
Josie didn’t say anything. She was thinking about the people 15
who were killed. “You know where she went?” she said.
16
“They said they were going to the Harvard Club.”
17
Harvard. That was the fancy place Kate went to school. A 18
school for people who were very smart. The kind of people who got 19
jobs here.
20
“The Harvard Club,” Josie said, testing the words in her mouth.
21
“Where’s that?”
22
“I’m not sure. Somewhere around here, I think.”
23
“Oh.”
24
“Listen, Josie. Why don’t you just go home? I’ll tell Kate you 25
were here.”
26
Josie stared at the carpet, thinking. When she looked up, her 27
mouth was set.
28
“I think I’ll just stay here and wait,” she said.
29
w
30
Her eyes fluttered open. Too groggy to turn her head, Kate stared 31
at the printed bedspread. Fuzzy patches of mauve and green swam 32
against a cream-colored background. The room was hot. Music 33
played in the background. Something weird and dissonant and 34 sh
modern. She was conscious of a pounding headache and a punish-35 re
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A M Y G U T M A N
1
ing thirst. Everything was hazy. She needed to find her glasses.
2
Confused, she tried to sit up. But something stopped her from 3
moving. She tried to speak, to cry out, but her mouth seemed to be 4
stuffed with cotton.
5
“How are you feeling, Kate?” Justin’s voice sounded far away.
6
“You know, I didn’t want to tie you up like this, but you didn’t 7
leave me much choice.”
8
Kate tried to remember what had happened. She’d been so glad 9
that Justin had canceled his trip. He’d been in her office, waiting.
10
But at that point something went wrong. She’d tried to escape, 11
that was it, tried to get away from Justin. But no, that couldn’t be 12
right . . .
13
“I’ve been doing some thinking.” Justin was speaking again.
14
Kate felt the mattress dip as he sat down on the bed beside her. She 15
could smell his familiar scent, wool mixed with some woodsy soap.
16
“Maybe I’ve been unfair. I thought that you’d understand. I didn’t 17
think I’d have to explain. But maybe that was asking too much.
18
What do you think, Kate? Have I expected too much of you?”
19
The bedside lamp sent out a pool of light. She must have been 20
asleep for hours. Now Justin was stroking her hair. He gave her an 21
appraising glance. The sort of look a parent might give a disobedi-22
ent but beloved child.
23
“I’d like us to be able to talk,” he said. “But you have to promise 24
to be quiet. There’s no reason to be frightened. You have to let me 25
explain, okay?”
26
Kate nodded, her face hot against the stiff bedspread. Memories 27
had begun to drift back. She was at the Harvard Club. Justin had 28
brought her here. He’d pulled out a gun, forced her to come to this 29
room. She knew she should be afraid, and maybe she was a little, 30
but not nearly as much as she should be. A fog swirled through her 31
mind. Nothing was clear anymore.
32
Justin stood up from the bed. A few feet away, Kate heard him 33
open a closet door. There was a rustling of fabric, as if he were look-ort 34
ing for something. Then he was back beside her. Kate saw that he reg 35
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3 2 7
was holding a knife in one hand. In the other, he still held the gun.
1
Kate watched Justin, mesmerized. The fog seemed to waver, to dis-2
sipate, as a shot of adrenaline raced through her.
3
Justin leaned down from above. “Be still, Kate. I don’t want to 4
hurt you.” The knife’s cold tip edged under the fabric strip wrapped 5
around her mouth. With one quick movement, Justin sliced 6
through the cloth. Then, putting down the knife, he reached into 7
her mouth and removed the soft mass stuffed inside. The gun still 8
pointed at her head.
9
Kate’s body sagged in relief. “Thank you,” she whispered. Her 10
throat was raw. “May I have something to drink?”
11
“Of course.” Justin was sitting in a chair beside the bed. He 12
picked up a glass and tilted it toward her lips. Kate took a long sip, 13
then started to choke. Instead of the water she’d expected, she got 14
what tasted like a mouthful of acid. She clamped her eyes shut, as 15
if willing herself back to sleep. Hot tears sprang up beneath her 16
eyelids.
17
“Darling, what’s wrong?” Justin was touching her face, tracing a 18
tear’s wet trail. “Don’t you like champagne?”
19
Champagne. A dark chasm was opening inside her. She felt her-20
self teetering on the brink. “Could I just have some water, please?”
21
she said. “I’m awfully thirsty right now.”
22
Justin looked at her quizzically. But he got up and walked over to 23
the table. Then he was back at her side, handing her a tumbler of 24
water. He watched as she quickly drained it.
25
“More?”
26
Kate shook her head. “No. I’m fine now.” But of course she 27
wasn’t; she wasn’t fine at all. Now that the fog had burned off her 28
mind, she was conscious of a growing terror. What was she going to 29
do? She had to come up with a plan. She had to calm down, to 30
think . If she could just keep Justin talking. At least that would buy 31
her some time. Desperately, Kate pored over Justin’s words, search-32
ing for something to take hold of. I needed to do it for her. I needed 33
to do it for us.
34 sh
35 re
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e 328
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A M Y G U T M A N
1
Kate took a long, ragged breath. “I know you did it for us,” she 2
began. “But I want to understand more. Can you tell me about 3
what happened?”
4
Right away, Justin’s face relaxed. She could see she was on the 5
right track. “I thought that you knew,” he said. “I was sure that you 6
knew.”
7
Kate shook her head from side to side. “No, really I don’t,” she 8
said. “Please. You’ll have to explain.”
9
w
10
“I don’t know where she is. She should have been back by four.”
11
Cathy Valencia bit her lip. She’d been running late all day, had 12
cut short another meeting to rush over here. But there was no 13
point in taking out her frustration on Kate’s secretary, a pretty 14
young woman with spectacular hair.
15
“Well, thanks for your help, Ms. —”
16
“Torricelli. Jennifer Torricelli. Would you like to leave her a 17
note?”
18
Looking down at her watch, Valencia saw it was after five.
19
“Yeah, maybe that’s the best option,” she said. “She’s been pretty 20
hard to catch up with.”
21
Valencia was gazing at a blank sheet of paper, when she sensed 22
someone standing behind her. Turning, she saw a teenaged girl, 23
staring at her intently. The girl’s brown eyes were enormous. She 24
clearly had something to say.
25
“I think we should look for her,” the teenager said. “I’m pretty 26
sure something’s happened.”
27
w
28
Justin was singing along with the opera. Something in German, 29
she thought. Then he stopped and met her eyes.
30
“It didn’t have to be like this,” he said.
31
They were sitting up now, Kate on the bed, Justin on a nearby 32
chair. Kate held a glass of champagne. She’d eaten three strawber-33
ries and a water biscuit spread with some kind of cheese. Every-ort 34
thing tasted like chalk.
reg 35
“I gave him chances along the way.” Justin’s voice was heavy 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 329
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
3 2 9
with resentment. “I tried to talk to him. But he just wouldn’t lis-1
ten.”
2
Kate nodded gravely, as if she understood.
3
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Justin said. Slack-jawed, he stared at 4
the photograph, the dark-haired woman on the wall. The phrase 5
fugue state fluttered in Kate’s mind, the relic of a college psych 6
course. Furtively, she checked Justin’s right hand. But his grip on 7
the gun held fast.
8
“You left her picture for me, didn’t you? On my desk. You 9
wanted me to see her.”
10
Still gazing at the picture, Justin nodded. “I didn’t want you to 11
think that I’d forgotten.”
12
“No,” Kate said. “Of course not.” Her eyes shifted to the 13
woman’s picture, then back to Justin again.
14
“It’s a wonderful photograph,” Kate said. “Why don’t you tell me 15
about her?”
16
Justin shrugged. “What do you say about your mother? Where 17
do you want me to start?”
18
“Your mother?” Kate tried to conceal her shock. “But that 19
woman isn’t your mother. I’ve met your mother, remember? At our 20
law school graduation. Her name is Sarah. She’s tall and blond, 21
and she doesn’t look anything like that photograph.”
22
“Sarah isn’t my mother, Kate.” Justin seemed almost amused.
23
“She’s just the woman who adopted me. My real mother died.
24
Sarah was my counselor. In the group home where I lived. Sarah 25
Llewellyn. That was her name when I first met her, before she got 26
married I mean. I used to call her Screw-ellen. Then she became 27
Sarah Daniels, old Screw-ellen did. But why am I telling you that?
28
You already know that, Kate.” Justin laughed, an odd gulping 29
sound. “She thought I had potential. That’s why she adopted me.
30
And she was right, too. Just not the kind she was talking about.”
31
Kate opened her mouth to protest, then clamped it shut again.
32
The room seemed suddenly hotter, filled with a shimmering haze.
33
Of course, she’d known that Sarah Daniels was a child psycholo-34 sh
gist, that she was working on a book about adoption. This part of 35 re
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3 3 0
A M Y G U T M A N
1
Justin’s story had the ring of truth. And if this part were 2
true . . . But she wouldn’t think about that, not now.
3
“They made me go talk to Sarah ’cause I was a bad kid. ” Justin 4
seemed to relish the words. “I was heading nowhere fast, that’s 5
what they said. At first, I didn’t want to talk to her. She was just 6
another asshole social worker. Another do-gooder who didn’t 7
know shit.”
Even the cadence of Justin’s voice had changed. Kate thought 9
crazily of The Exorcist. Linda Blair. Split pea soup. Justin’s head 10
turning round and round.
11
“I don’t know why I was even listening that day, the day that 12
everything started,” Justin said. “Maybe I was just too hung over to 13
do anything else besides listen. But she said this thing. She said 14
that I had to have goals. I remember when she said that, something 15
clicked. It was like my mother — my real mother — was there, 16
helping me to get on with my life. The plan didn’t come all at 17
once. But that’s when it started. That’s when everything started.”
18
“Your mother. The woman in the picture.” Kate tried to sound 19
detached, but her voice was shaking. “What happened to her?”
20
If Justin heard what she said, he didn’t acknowledge it. “She was 21
just nineteen when she moved to New York. Nineteen. Do you 22
know how young that is?” His head snapped around to Kate. He 23
glared at her, as if expecting an answer.
24
“It’s very young,” Kate faltered.
25
Again, Justin didn’t seem to hear her. “She worked as a waitress.
26
To pay the bills, I mean. Really, she was an actress. That’s why 27
she’d moved to the city. And she was good, too. I’ve talked to the -
28
people who knew her then. She could have been a real success.
29
She could have done anything. You can tell that from looking at 30
her picture. But then he had to ruin everything. He told her he 31
loved her, and she
believed him. That was her only mistake. She 32
thought he was telling the truth.”
33
At that instant, she knew. “You’re talking about Carter Mills.”
ort 34
Justin smiled at Kate, the old lopsided grin. “Of course I am, reg 35
Kate,” he said. “I’m talking about my father.”
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E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
3 3 1
My father.
1
The words thundered in her mind. Kate tried to turn away, but 2
she couldn’t stop staring at Justin’s face. Slowly, like some sort of 3
trick drawing, the similarities began to emerge. The strong eye-4
brows, the perfect teeth, the square-cut jaw. She couldn’t believe 5
it. Wouldn’t believe it. At the same time, she knew it was true.
6
Justin was Carter Mills’s son.
7
A fire was burning in her brain. Still, she pressed ahead. She 8
needed to know everything. She needed to know the truth.
9
“Your mother,” she said. The words came out in a whisper. “Her 10
name was Maria, wasn’t it? Maria Bernini. The M on that red wax 11
seal. The letter stood for her name.”
12
“Very good, Kate. I was sure you’d figure it out.”
13
Fragments of what she’d read at the library flooded back through 14
Kate’s mind. The single mother. The antique gun. The child found 15
bound and gagged.
16
“And you . . . you saw Carter kill her?” Her mouth was so dry 17
she could barely speak.
18
“I don’t remember, ” Justin said. His voice had taken on a slightly 19
petulant tone. “I was only four years old. You know that. You read 20
about it in the papers. I don’t remember. I only know what they 21
told me.”
22
Kate pressed on. “What?” she said. “What did they tell you?”
23
Justin sighed, an elaborate, manufactured sound, a child putting 24
on a show. “My mother’s friend told me what happened. Her 25
name’s Elizabeth. She took me in after Mama died. But then I got 26
to be too much for her” — here he gave a strange, cold smile —
27
“and she had to give me away. The thing is, it’s not like he exactly 28
killed her. I mean, if he had, I could just have turned him in, right?
29
That would have done the trick. He should have killed her himself.
30
That would have been more honest. Instead, he let someone else 31
do it for him. That’s how he operates.”
32
“You mean he hired someone to kill Maria? To kill your mother, 33