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    The Light in the Hallway (ARC)

    Page 29
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      life is perfect; I don’t think any person is. I think there’s only perfect for you and that’s enough, really, isn’t it? You find that person who you don’t mind falling asleep with

      and waking up next to and that’s enough. And it must

      have been enough for you and Kerry because you survived

      for all those years. You always seemed happy together.’

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      Amanda Prowse

      ‘We were to a point.’ He nodded. ‘But as I say, it wasn’t

      perfect. She … She did something and it, it was hard.’

      ‘Did what? That sounds ominous. Killed a man?’

      Beverly laughed. ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I said that,

      I’m nervous.’ She blinked.

      ‘It’s okay. I’m nervous too and for the record it nearly

      killed me.’ He took his time. ‘She got into quite a lot of debt.’ He paused again, torn at his indiscretion and yet

      already feeling the wave of relief at the very prospect of

      talking to someone about it. ‘She kept it secret and I still

      don’t really understand why, but she started buying things.’

      ‘What things?’ Beverly looked up at him, calm now

      and curious.

      ‘Oh God, anything! But nothing we actually needed

      or that was useful, things like several pairs of slippers,

      pictures she would never hang, nail polish in every colour,

      beach bags, board games, all sorts. Occasionally I’d notice

      something new and she would be a bit coy, which was

      odd as I never begrudged her a penny, of course I didn’t,

      we were a partnership. I never cared about who earned

      what; it was a shared pot. But then things changed when

      letters started arriving, which she tried to hide.’ He took

      a moment and rubbed the chill from his arms. ‘And then

      one Saturday morning, Olly was about ten, I picked up

      a brown envelope from the welcome mat and found out

      that we owed seven thousand pounds.’

      ‘Shit!’

      Nick nodded. Seven thousand pounds … An amount

      so big the weight of it wrapped in her deceit had nearly

      sunk them.

      ‘It turned out she had credit cards and store cards I

      knew nothing about and it was all a bit of a shocker. I

      found brand-new clothes, literally still with the tags on,

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      The Light in the Hallway

      stuffed into boxes in the bottom of the wardrobe. They

      weren’t even her size. I wasn’t mad, not really, more wor-

      ried about why she was doing it and sad that she had felt

      the need to do it all so secretively, plus I was shit scared

      about how we were going to pay it all off – as I say, one

      shared pot. It was all around the same time as the Rod

      Newberry incident—’

      ‘What Rod Newberry incident?’ she interrupted.

      He gave a snort of laughter and pinched his nose.

      ‘Don’t tell me you’re the only person in Burstonbridge

      who wasn’t in on that slice of gossip?’

      ‘I must have been washing my hair that day, or maybe

      I just don’t give a shit about what other people gossip

      about.’ She gave him a knowing look. He remembered

      that her mum’s dramatic departure had been gossip fod-

      der for quite a while.

      ‘Maybe you don’t.’ He took a breath. ‘When the cof-

      fee shop went bust…’

      ‘Oh, yes, I forgot she worked there – carry on.’ Beverly

      sipped her wine.

      ‘Well, she wasn’t really herself. Looking back, I think

      she missed the company she had at work and I guess she

      was bored without the routine of her job. Anyway, she

      started hanging around Rob Newberry.’

      ‘The butcher?’

      ‘Yes.’

      She shuddered. ‘He gives me the creeps. Has always

      been a bit winky.’

      ‘Winky?’

      ‘Yeah, you know, a bit “talks to your face, but looks

      at your boobs” and winks.’

      ‘I have to say as much as I dislike the bloke, that has

      never been my experience.’ He spoke dryly and again

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      Amanda Prowse

      she burst into laughter and her reaction made him feel

      good … funny.

      ‘Well, Alex mentioned in passing that he’d seen them

      over the Rec and I didn’t think anything of it. We would

      both bump into everyone up there when walking Treacle

      or taking the shortcut from town home, but there was

      something in the way he said it, as if he knew something,

      and it bothered me.’

      ‘Alex likes a gossip.’

      ‘He does and I factored that in, but when I mentioned

      it to Kerry her reaction was a little off and it sat like an

      itch in my head, you know?’

      She nodded.

      Nick remembered that night, her coy smile, subdued

      body language … ‘I forgot about it eventually, but then

      my sister said something.’

      ‘What?’

      ‘How she’d seen Kerry with Rob at the bus stop, and

      not like they had bumped into each other, but relaxed,

      leaning in, like people do when they are interested in each

      other, like they’d planned to meet there. Anyway, that was

      about the extent of it. I mulled over what to do and after

      tea one night I told Kerry that she was free to do whatever

      she wanted with whoever she wanted, but if she wanted us to work as a couple and to stay married, then she had to

      cut out sneaking around with Rob or anyone else for that

      matter. Because it wasn’t fair on anyone. Especially me.’

      ‘God, Nick!’ There was a moment of silence, until

      Beverly spoke. ‘What did she say?’ She leant in.

      ‘She didn’t deny or confirm it, but sobbed and said

      she was sorry, which I took as admission of something,

      and then she went very quiet for a week or two, kept her

      thoughts to herself, but I could hear her crying in the bath.’

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      The Light in the Hallway

      ‘That’s really sad.’ Her expression was pained, seem-

      ingly at the thought of Kerry’s distress.

      ‘Yes. It was sad for us all really. I didn’t know if she

      was crying because she was going to miss him or because

      she had hurt me.’

      ‘You didn’t ask?’

      Nick shook his head. ‘I don’t think I could have coped

      with the answer. And I think in truth, a small part of me

      wanted it to be the thing that finished us.’ He felt a little sick at the admission. ‘I had to deal with those thoughts

      and then reconcile the fact that we were going to carry on.

      It messed with my head, hers too, I’m sure. It put distance

      between us that faded over time, but never really disap-

      peared. It’s funny, when we left school I used to feel jealous of her mixing with David McCardle and Matty Peters.’

      ‘Well, David was captain of the under sixteens for their entire unbeaten season. How do I know this, you might

      ask? Because he is still talking about it!’

      Nick pictured him on the shop floor doing just that.

      ‘It’s true, though – I thought those good-looking boys,

      the flash ones with their own cars while I was still rely-

      ing on the bus, they were who I’d have to keep an eye

      out for, thought the
    y might be my competition. But I’d

      given up being jealous years since. I never for a second

      thought I needed to worry about her going to pick up

      our weekly meat order.’

      ‘Maybe she was looking for something because you

      stopped worrying?’

      This truth was a verbal ice pick that struck him squarely

      between the eyes. He flinched.

      ‘Shit, Nick. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was

      out of order. It’s none of my business.’ She looked down,

      embarrassed, and he felt her stiffen by his side.

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      Amanda Prowse

      ‘No, it’s okay, I want it to be your business, and I know

      you’re right to a degree. I think I took her for granted. I

      think we took each other for granted. It was hard not to

      when we were both caught in the slog of living, work-

      ing and falling into bed each night, keeping the wheels

      turning and trying to make things the best they could be

      for Olly. The gilding that coated us when we were newly

      married got worn off by life, the rub of problems, worry,

      rows – it exposed patches that eventually took over, and

      I think I realised that being with someone I fancied was

      not necessarily enough to guarantee happy ever after.

      And then’ – he paused – ‘I haven’t ever said this out loud

      before, but…’ He thought about the phrasing, took his

      time. ‘When Kerry got sick’ – he shook his head and

      smiled, as if what he was about to say was both ridiculous

      and terrible – ‘we had to wipe the slate clean. We had to

      find a way to come together, support each other, spend

      time together, and concentrate on each other in ways we

      hadn’t before. It made us close and I think we saw the

      best of each other in those last months. I didn’t know I

      could care for her like I did, physically, and I didn’t know

      how generous and thoughtful she could be when it came

      to her death. But she was practical, never dramatic, kind

      even, and she made it the best it could be for Olly and

      me. That was remarkable of her, a gift. I’d never stopped

      loving her, not really, but I guess as a couple we became

      more functional, practical than romantic. And weirdly

      at the end, we were romantic. It was nice.’

      ‘I think you were both lucky,’ she said with obvious

      emotion in her voice.

      ‘You do?’

      ‘Yes. That kind of certainty, that kindness blossoming

      when you both needed it the most is a wonderful thing.’

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      The Light in the Hallway

      ‘God, Beverly, here we are sharing a bottle of wine

      and all I’m doing is talking about Kerry and sad stuff. I

      know we have an agreement, but you must think I’m

      great company!’

      ‘As I’ve already said, I think it’s good we can talk

      about stuff. Important.’

      ‘I do too. But I’m out of practice, at talking and lots

      of other things.’ He felt his face colour as he realised this sounded like he was talking about sex, when in actual

      fact he had been thinking of wining and dining someone,

      flirting, dancing, and yes, actually, he had to admit, maybe

      a little bit about sex … ‘I didn’t mean…’ He floundered.

      ‘You worry too much, Nick. You need to not overthink

      things, and for the record, I think you’re doing just fine.’

      ‘Thank you.’ He winked at her.

      ‘Although you can cut that winking thing out!’

      They laughed and Nick reached for the bottle of wine.

      With two bottles of wine devoured and the alcohol

      sloshing pleasantly in their veins, the sharp edges of worry

      had been softened and his body had lost its tension, his

      muscles no longer corded, his thoughts quieted. It was

      nice. The evening had a warm glow of comfort about it

      and he got the impression that she, like him, was happy

      to be here on the sofa, while real life happened on the

      other side of the front door.

      Beverly tilted her face up and kissed his cheek. This was

      the moment he had been thinking about and he twisted

      so he could kiss her on the mouth. It was a comfortable,

      easy, wonderful thing, the way they slipped against each

      other on the sofa, taking their time to kiss slowly, get-

      ting to know each other, hesitantly, giggling with joy,

      as if neither had expected this glorious gift of attraction

      that bound them.

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      Amanda Prowse

      ‘Shall we go upstairs?’ she whispered.

      Nick nodded and stood from the sofa. He took her by

      the hand and led only the second woman in his life up

      the stairs and towards the bedroom. Beverly hung back

      and stood in the doorway on the small square landing.

      ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. Nerves made his mouth

      dry and he felt the quake of apprehension in his limbs,

      this, however, almost overridden by a new and welcome

      sensation, one he had not felt for some time, and which he

      recognised as desire. He stood by the bed and wondered

      whether to go and lead her over to the bed, or maybe he

      should strip off and get in, or … He was so out of practice

      and truly couldn’t remember how these things started.

      He wanted so badly to get it right.

      He watched her eyes dart to the open bathroom door,

      where he knew a lilac toothbrush sat next to his in the

      ceramic pot on the sink. She then looked back to the

      wardrobe, where the door had popped open to reveal a

      neat row of jumpers, blouses, summer frocks and a pair of

      jeans, all hung with care. Redundant clothing for a woman

      who used to live there, a woman who had entered this

      very room and climbed into the bed thousands of times.

      Nick felt paralysed by indecision; he didn’t know what

      to say or what to do.

      ‘I guess,’ Beverly began, her voice no more than a

      whisper, ‘I didn’t really think what it might be like to

      be in Kerry’s room with her things around us. I don’t

      know what I thought, but I assumed that maybe, her

      clothes and—’

      ‘Oh!’ He walked forward and shut the wardrobe door,

      as if out of sight out of mind were the best way to deal

      with this. ‘I suppose I should have sorted things, maybe

      got rid of some of—’

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      The Light in the Hallway

      ‘No!’ Beverly almost shouted. ‘No, not at all – I would

      never ask; I was not saying that. God! That’s such a per-

      sonal thing and I would never suggest … The time is

      right when it’s right I guess, and only you know when

      that is.’ She gasped, her head hung forward. ‘Shit, Nick.’

      She sighed. ‘I’m sorry.’

      ‘No, I’m sorry.’ He walked towards her and pulled

      her to him until the air was less spiky and their pulses

      less flustered. ‘Do you want to go home?’

      ‘No. I don’t want to go home.’ She shook her head and

      he felt sweet and instant relief. ‘How about we go back to

      the sofa?’ she whispered. ‘I think I liked it better there.’

      ‘Me too.’ Nick
    grabbed the faux fur throw from the

      end of the bed and hand in hand they walked back down

      the stairs.

      They lay with their heads on one of those darned cush-

      ions and with the throw draped over them for warmth.

      Beverly was petite and fitted nicely in the space on the

      edge of the couch, her head resting on his chest. It felt

      good to be in such close proximity.

      ‘It’s funny, Bev,’ he began, whispering into the night air.

      ‘What is?’

      He took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. ‘I’m

      skint. My job’s going. I’m still torn up over losing Kerry,

      riddled with guilt over just about everything. I worry

      about Oliver. And yet right now, lying here with you,

      I feel happy. It’s like I can put all of that bad stuff to the back of my mind when I’m with you and it feels really

      nice.’ He felt her nod against his chest.

      She ran her fingers up under the front of his shirt and

      he closed his eyes. The touch of her fingers against his

      skin was a flame to the kindling that had lain dormant

      for so, so long.

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      Amanda Prowse

      Beverly looked up at him through her long, sooty

      lashes. ‘We don’t have to … I mean. I want to, but I don’t

      want to rush you. It’s that timing thing again.’ She smiled.

      Nick moved onto his side so he could kiss her prop-

      erly, pulling her towards him. He smoothed the fringe

      from her face and hoped his every action told her that

      she didn’t have to worry, the time was right.

      The time was now.

      1992

      Nick wished he had paid more attention to his dad, who

      had shown him how to pitch the tent. As the taillights

      of his dad’s car disappeared along the trail and over the

      brow of the hill, he looked at the long slender blue bag

      in which lived the tent poles and the chunky bag next

      to it with the canvas neatly folded inside, and knew he

      didn’t have the first clue.

      ‘Right.’ Alex crouched by their supplies. ‘What’s first?’

      Nick felt the pressure of his role as assumed leader; his

      palms began to sweat and he looked again out over the

      narrowing track, as if staring hard and willing it might

      make his dad return and help them set up the tent.

      ‘You know what you’re doin’?’ his dad had asked

      before leaving, and with an inflated and misplaced sense

      of pride overriding any practicalities, Nick had laughed.

     


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