Complaint
The teachers all sit in the staffroom.
The teachers all drink tea.
The teachers all smoke cigarettes
As cosy as can be.
We have to go out at playtime
Unless we bring a note
Or it’s tipping down with rain
Or we haven’t got a coat.
We have to go out at playtime
Whether we like it or not.
And freeze to death if it’s freezing
And boil to death if it’s hot.
The teachers can sit in the staffroom
And have a cosy chat.
We have to go out at playtime;
Where’s the fairness in that?
Swops
I’ll give you
A penny chew
A plastic whistle
A pot of glue
A suck of sherbet
A small canoe
A piece of string
A cockatoo
A bag of crisps
And a kangaroo!
For your Milky Way.
What do you say?
No.
Picking Teams
When we pick teams in the playground,
Whatever the game might be,
There’s always somebody left till last
And usually it’s me.
I stand there looking hopeful
And tapping myself on the chest,
But the captains pick the others first,
Starting, of course, with the best.
Maybe if teams were sometimes picked
Starting with the worst,
Once in his life a boy like me
Could end up being first!
If I Wasn’t Me
If I wasn’t me,
I’d rather be
Batman or (second choice) Robin.
I’d come to school
In the batmobile,
Friends in the back,
Me at the wheel.
The teacher would say, ‘Batman?’
And I’d say, ‘Here, Miss.’
If I wasn’t me,
I’d rather be
Wonderwoman’s daughter.
I’d wear a cloak
With fancy shorts,
And win every race
In the school sports.
The teacher would say, ‘Thanks, Wondergirl!’
And mum would win the Mothers’ Race.
I Did a Bad Thing Once
I did a bad thing once.
I took this money from my mother’s purse
For bubble gum.
What made it worse,
She bought me some
For being good, while I’d been vice versa
So to speak – that made it worser.
Old Joke
‘Look at your hands!’
The teacher cried.
‘Couldn’t be dirtier
If you tried.
What would you say
If mine were like this?’
‘We’d be too polite
To mention it, Miss!’
The Gang
1st boy: Who wants to be in my gang?
2nd boy: Who else have you got?
1st boy: Well really just me at the moment.
2nd boy: That’s not a lot.
2nd boy: Who wants to be in his gang?
3rd boy: I do – me!
2nd boy: Right, he’s boss, I’m second-in-command, You’re number three.
3rd boy: Who wants to be in our gang?
Line up at the den.
We’ve got the three leaders already,
We need a few men.
1st boy: Who wants to be in their gang?
Don’t spread it about.
I’ve stopped being boss of it now.
They voted me out.
1st boy: Who wants to be in my gang?
DINNER TIME
When I was Young
When I was young and had no sense,
I used to lie in a crib.
I used to sleep for hoursand hours
And dribble on my bib.
I had no sense when I was young.
I sat in a high chair
And spooned my dinner from the plate
And threw it everywhere.
I could not talk when I was young.
I could not catch a ball.
I only sucked the books I had,
I didn’t read at all.
When I was young and had no sense,
I used to lie in a crib.
I used to sleep for hours and hours
And dribble on my bib.
Sometimes God
Sometimes when I’m in trouble,
Like if Gary Hubble
And his gang
Or I’m outside Mr Baggot’s door
Waiting to have the slipper for pour
Ing paint water in Glenis Parker’s shoe,
This is what I do:
I ask for help from God.
Get me out of this, God,
I say.
I’ll behave myself,then –
Every day.
Sometimes when I’m really
Scared, like once when I nearly
Got bit by this horse,
Or the other
Week when Russell Tucker’s brother
Was going to beat me up
For throwing Russell Tucker’s PE bag
On the boiler-house roof, or Roy
And me got caught in the toi-
Lets by Mr Bag got turning all the taps on
And he said,
I’ve had enough of boys like you,
This is what I do:
I ask for help from God.
Stop this happening, God,
I say.
I’ll believe in You then –
Every day.
And it works… sometimes.
It is a Puzzle
My friend
Is not my friend anymore.
She has secrets from me
And goes about with Tracy Hackett.
I would
Like to get her back,
Only do not want to say so.
So I pretend
To have secrets from her
And go about with Alice Banks.
But what bothers me is,
Maybe she is pretending
And would like me back,
Only does not want to say so.
In which case
Maybe it bothers her
That I am pretending.
But if we are both pretending,
Then really we are friends
And do not know it.
On the other hand,
How can we be friends
And have secrets from each other
And go about with other people?
My friend
Is not my friend anymore,
Unless she is pretending.
I cannot think what to do.
It is a puzzle.
Dog in the Playground
Dog in the playground
Suddenly there.
Smile on his face,
Tail in the air.
Dog in the playground
Bit of a fuss:
I know that dog –
Lives next to us!
Dog in the playground:
Oh, no he don’t.
He’ll come with me,
You see if he won’t.
The word gets round;
The crowd gets bigger.
His name’s Bob.
It ain’t – it’s Trigger.
They call him Archie!
They call him Frank!
Lives by the Fish Shop!
Lives up the Bank!
Who told you that?
Pipe down! Shut up!
I know that dog
Since he was a pup.
Dog in the playground:
We’ll catch him, Miss.
Leave it to us.
Just watch this!
Dog in the playground
What a to-do!
Thirty-five children,
Caretaker too,
Chasing the dog,
Chasing each other.
I know that dog –
He’s our dog’s brother!
We’ve cornered him now;
He can’t get away.
Told you we’d catch him,
Robert and – Hey!
Don’t open that door –
Oh, Glenis, you fool!
Look, Miss, what’s happened:
Dog in the school.
Dog in the classroom,
Dog in the hall,
Dog in the toilets –
He’s paying a call!
Forty-six children,
Caretaker too,
Headmaster, three teachers,
Hullabaloo!
Lost him! Can’t find him!
He’s vanished! And then:
Look, Miss, he’s back
In the playground again.
Shouting and shoving –
I’ll give you what for! –
Head for the door.
Dog in the playground,
Smile on his face,
Tail in the air,
Winning the race.
Dog in his element
Off at a jog,
Out of the gates:
Wish I was a dog.
Dog in the playground:
Couldn’t he run?
Dog in the playground
… Gone!
SCHOOL TIME AGAIN
Scissors
Nobody leave the room.
Everyone listen to me.
We had ten pairs of scissors
At half-past two,
And now there’s only three.
Seven pairs of scissors
Disappeared from sight.
Not one of you leaves
Till we find them.
We can stop here all night!
Scissors don’t lose themselves,
Melt away or explode.
Scissors have not got
Legs of their own
To go running off up the road.
We really need those scissors,
That’s what makes me mad.
If it was seven pairs
Of children we’d lost,
It wouldn’t be so bad.
I don’t want to hear excuses.
Don’t anyone speak.
Just ransack this room
Till we find them,
Or we’ll stop here… all week!
The Cane
The teacher
had some thin springy sticks
for making kites.
Reminds me
of the old days, he said;
and swished one.
The children
near his desk laughed nervously,
and pushed closer.
A cheeky girl
held out her cheeky hand.
Go on, Sir!
said her friends.
Give her the stick, she’s always
playing up!
The teacher
paused, then did as he was told.
Just a tap.
Oh, Sir!
We’re going to tell on you,
The children said.
Other children
left their seats and crowded round
the teacher’s desk.
Other hands
went out. Making kites was soon
forgotten.
My turn next!
He’s had one go already!
That’s not fair!
Soon the teacher,
to save himself from the crush,
called a halt.
(It was
either that or use the cane
for real.)
Reluctantly,
the children did as they were told
and sat down.
If you behave
yourselves, the teacher said,
I’ll cane you later.
Excuses
I’ve writ on the wrong page, Miss.
My pencil went all blunt.
My book was upside-down, Miss.
My book was back to front.
My margin’s gone all crooked, Miss.
I’ve smudged mine with my scarf.
I’ve rubbed a hole in the paper,Miss.
My ruler’s broke in half.
My work’s blew out the window, Miss.
My work’s fell in the bin.
The leg’s dropped off my chair, Miss.
The ceiling’s coming in.
I’ve ate a poison apple, Miss.
I’ve held a poison pen!
I think I’m being kidnapped, Miss!
So… can we start again?
Eating in Class
Little girl
Box of paints
Sucked her brush
Joined the saints.
Little boy
Bubble gum
Blew himself
To kingdom come.
reading test
tree little milk egg book
read ing test I took
school sit frog playing bun
it was not much fun
flower road clock train light
still I got it right
picture think summer peo…
popple…
peep…
pe…
p… well, nearly
Colin
When you frown at me like that, Colin,
And wave your arm in the air,
I know just what you’re going to say:
‘Please, Sir, it isn’t fair!’
It isn’t fair
On the football field
If their team scores a goal.
It isn’t fair
In a cricket match
Unless you bat and bowl.
When you scowl at me that way, Colin,
And mutter and slam your chair,
I always know what’s coming next:
‘Please, Sir, it isn’t fair!’
It isn’t fair
When I give you a job.
It isn’t fair when I don’t.
If I keep you in
It isn’t fair.
If you’re told to go out, you won’t.
When heads bow low in assembly
And the whole school’s saying a prayer,
I can guess what’s on your mind, Colin:
‘Our Father… it isn’t fair!’
It wasn’t fair
In the Infants.
It isn’t fair now.
It won’t be fair
At the Comprehensive
(For first years, anyhow).
When your life reaches its end, Colin,
Though I doubt if I’ll be there,
I can picture the words on the gravestone now.
They’ll say: IT IS NOT FAIR.
Only Snow
Outside, the sky was almost brown.
The clouds were hanging low.
Then all of a sudden it happened:
The air was full of snow.
The children rushed to the windows.
The teacher let them go,
Though she teased them for their foolishness.
After all, it was only snow.
It was only snow that was falling,
Only out of the sky,
Only on to the turning earth
Before the blink of an eye.
What else could it do from up there,
But fall in the usual way?
It was only weather, really.
What else could you say?
The teacher sat at her desk
Putting ticks in a little row,
While the children stared through steamy glass
At the only snow.
The Runners
&nbs
p; We’re hopeless at racing,
Me and my friend.
I’m slow at the start,
She’s slow at the end.
She has the stitch,
I get sore feet,
And neither one of us
Cares to compete.
But co-operation’s
A different case.
You should see us
In the three-legged race!
The Ordeal of Robin Hood
There is a new boy in our class;
He came the other day.
He hadn’t any friends, of course,
So we let him be in our play.
That was the first mistake we made.
The play was called ‘Bold Robin Hood’;
We’d practised it all week.
The new boy missed rehearsals
So he had no lines to speak.
He thought of a few, though, as you will see.
Besides, this boy was foreign,
His English wasn’t good.
He said his name was Janek;
He’d not heard of Robin Hood.
Robin Hood didn’t get to Poland, Miss Hodge said.
Well, first we pushed the desks back
To make a bigger space.
Then we hung this curtain up
For the outlaws’ hiding place.
Miss Hodge just let us get on with it.
Kevin Jukes was Robin Hood,
Roy was Little John,
I was the Sheriff of Nottingham –
I had this red cloak on.
The new boy was one of my guards, supposedly.
The swords we had were rulers;
The cupboard, Robin’s den;
And most of us had moustaches
Drawn with black felt pen.
Roy’s was navy blue, but you could hardly tell.
The rest of the class sat round to watch,
Miss Hodge was watching too.
Then Keith announced the title
And who was playing who.
Keith was also Friar Tuck with a cushion up his coat.
At first it all went pretty well,
Mistakes we made were slight;
The trouble only started
When we got to the first fight.
There should have been three fights altogether; should have been.
What we’d practised was an ambush
To rescue Friar Tuck,
With me and my guards just riding by