Also by Allan Ahlberg
Verse
PLEASE MRS BUTLER (1983)
THE MIGHTY SLIDE (1988)
HEARD IT IN THE PLAYGROUND (1989)
THE MYSTERIES OF ZIGOMAR (WALKER BOOKS, 1997)
FRIENDLY MATCHES (2001)
Novels and Stories
THE BEAR NOBODY WANTED • THE BETTER BROWN STORIES
THE BOYHOOD OF BURGLAR BILL
THE BOY, THE WOLF, THE SHEEP AND THE LETTUCE
THE CLOTHES HORSE • THE GIANT BABY
IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
JEREMIAH AND THE DARK WOODS
MY BROTHER’S GHOST • TEN IN A BED
WOOF!
Picture Books
THE BABY’S CATALOGUE • BURGLAR BILL
BYE BYE BABY • COPS AND ROBBERS
EACH PEACH PEAR PLUM • FUNNYBONES
THE JOLLY POSTMAN • THE JOLLY CHRISTMAS POSTMAN
THE JOLLY POCKET POSTMAN
PEEPO! • STARTING SCHOOL
Miscellaneous
FAST FOX, SLOW DOG SERIES
THE HA HA BONK BOOK
THE HAPPY FAMILIES SERIES
Allan Ahlberg
COLLECTED POEMS
illustrated by Charlotte Voake
PUFFIN
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3
(a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand
(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England
puffinbooks.com
The poems in this collection are taken from:
Friendly Matches, first published by Viking 2001; published in Puffin Books 2002
Heard it in the Playground, first published by Viking Kestrel 1989; published in Puffin Books 1991
The Mighty Slide, first published by Viking 1988; published in Puffin Books 1989
Please Mrs Butler, first published by Kestrel Books 1983; published in Puffin Books 1984
The Mysteries of Zyomar © 1997 Allan Ahlberg; reproduced by
kind permission of Walker Books Ltd, London SE11 5HJ
This collection published 2008
Text copyright © Allan Ahlberg, 1983, 1988, 1989, 1997, 2001, 2008
Illustrations copyright © Charlotte Voake, 2008
Consultant designer: Douglas Martin
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted
All rights reserved
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book
978-0-14-191872-3
Contents
1
Harrison’s Desk
2
Captain Jim
3
The Actor’s Mother
4
Billy McBone
5
The Vampire and the Hound
6
How to Score Goals
7
Scissors
8
Dog in the Playground
After Words
Index of First Lines
I
Harrison’s Desk
The Infants Do an Assembly About Time
Excuses
Finishing Off
I See a Seagull
Sale of Work
The Old Teacher
Harrison’s Desk
Registration
Do a Project
Not Now, Nigel
The Trial of Derek Drew
Small Quarrel
Where’s Everybody?
The Mrs Butler Blues
The Infants Do an Assembly
About Time
The infants
Do an assembly
About Time.
The present
And the future in it;
The seasons,
A digital watch,
And a six-year-old
Little old lady.
She gets her six-year-old
Family up
And directs them
Through the twenty-four hours
Of the day:
Out of bed
And – shortly after –
Back into it.
(Life does not stand still
In infant assemblies.)
The whole thing
Lasts for fifteen minutes.
Next week (space permitting):
Space.
Excuses
I’ve writ on the wrong page, Miss.
My pencil went all blunt.
My book was upside-down, Miss.
My book was back to front.
My margin’s gone all crooked, Miss.
I’ve smudged mine with my scarf.
I’ve rubbed a hole in the paper, Miss.
My ruler’s broke in half.
My work’s blew out the window, Miss.
My work’s fell in the bin.
The leg’s dropped off my chair, Miss.
The ceiling’s coming in.
I’ve ate a poison apple, Miss.
I’ve held a poison pen!
I think I’m being kidnapped, Miss!
So… can we start again?
Finishing Off
The teacher said:
Come here, Malcolm!
Look at the state of your book.
Stories and pictures unfinished
Wherever I look.
This model you started at Easter,
These plaster casts of your feet,
That graph of the local traffic –
All of them incomplete.
You’ve a half-baked pot in the kiln room
And a half-eaten cake in your drawer.
You don’t even finish the jokes you tell –
I really can’t take any more.
And Malcolm said
… very little.
He blinked and shuffled his feet.
The sentence he finally started
Remained incomplete.
He gazed for a time at the floorboards;
He stared for a while into space;
With an unlined, unwhiskered expression
On his unfinished face
I See a Seagull
I see a seagull in the playground.
I see a crisp-bag and a glove;
Grey slides on the grey ice
And a grey sky above.
I see a white bird in the playground
And a pale face in the glass;
A room reflected behind me,
And the rest of the class.
I see a seagull in the playground.
I see it fly away.
A white bird in the grey sky:
The lesson for today
Sale of Work
Who wants to buy:
Twenty sums, half right,
Two tracings of Francis Drake,
A nearly finished project on dogs
And a page of best handwriting?
Price reduced for quick sale:
Junk model of the Taj Mahal.
Delivery can be arranged.
What am I bid
For this fine old infant’s newsbook
Complete with teacher’s comments?
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Brand-new paintings going cheap –
Still wet!
The Old Teacher
There was an old teacher
Who lived in a school,
Slept in the stock-cupboard as a rule,
With sheets of paper to make her bed
And a pillow of hymn-books
Under her head.
There was an old teacher
Who lived for years
In a Wendy house, or so it appears,
Eating the apples the children brought her,
And washing her face
There was an old teacher
Who ended her days
Watching schools’ TV and children’s plays;
Saving the strength she could just about muster,
To powder her nose
With the blackboard duster.
There was an old teacher
Who finally died
Reading Ginn (Level One), which she couldn’t abide.
The words on her tombstone said: TEN OUT OF TEN,
And her grave was the sandpit.
That’s all now. Amen
Harrison’s Desk
There’s something in Harrison’s desk.
Put your ear against it and listen.
A noise like the chewing of pencils.
Harrison invites you to look inside.
He charges 5p a peep.
You lift the lid a little, and a little more…
A scritching, scratching somewhere at the back.
A noise like the chewing of rulers.
A peculiar movement.
There is something in Harrison’s desk.
Harrison won’t say what it is.
He says it sharpens his pencil sometimes
He claims it helps him with his homework.
Then: a noise like an angry burp.
Look out, says Harrison, and slams the lid.
Harrison piles heavy objects on his desk.
You suspect a trick and watch him closely.
This sometimes happens, says Harrison.
A hole begins to appear in Harrison’s desk.
A tiny hairy hand protrudes.
5p a peep, says Harrison, and covers it with his hat.
Harrison counts his 5p’s.
You still suspect some sort of trick.
You prepare to ask for a refund.
The piled-up desk, meanwhile, begins to shake.
A stack of books collapses to the floor.
A hole appears in Harrison’s hat
Registration
Emma Hackett?
Here, Miss!
Billy McBone?
Here, Miss!
Derek Drew?
Here, Miss!
Margaret Thatcher?∗
Still here, Miss!
Long John Silver?
Buccaneer, Miss!
Al Capone?
Racketeer, Miss!
Isambard Kingdom Brunel?
Engineer, Miss!
Davy Crockett?
Wild frontier, Miss!
Frank Bruno?
Cauliflower ear, Miss!
The White Rabbit?
Late, Miss!
Billy the Kid?
Infants, Miss!
Simple Simon?
Here… Sir.
Father Christmas?
Present (for you), Miss!
Count Dracula?
1, 2, 3, 4, Miss!
Necks door, Miss!
Dentist’s!
The Invisible Man?
Nowhere, Miss!
Almighty God?
Everywhere, Miss!
Tarzan?
Aaaaaaaaaah! Miss.
Sleeping Beauty?
Zzz, Miss
Do a Project
Do a project on dinosaurs.
Do a project on sport.
Do a project on the Empire State Building,
The Eiffel Tower,
The Blackpool Tower,
The top of a bus.
Ride a project on horses.
Suck a project on sweets.
Play a project on the piano.
Chop a project on trees
Down.
Write a project on paper,
A plaster cast,
The back of an envelope,
The head of a pin.
Write a project on the Great Wall of China,
Hadrian’s Wall,
The playground wall,
Mrs Wall
Do a project in pencil,
In ink,
In half an hour,
In bed,
Instead
of something else,
In verse,
Or worse –
Do a project in playtime.
Do a project on your hands and knees,
Your head,
With one arm tied behind you
Do a project wearing handcuffs,
In a steel coffin,
Eighty feet down
At the bottom of the Hudson River
(which ideally should be frozen over),
On Houdini.
Forget a project on Memory;
And refuse one on Obedience.
Not Now, Nigel
Not now, Nigel,
It’s only half-past eight.
The school’s not really open –
Your request will have to wait.
Not now, Nigel,
The register is due;
Some dinner-money’s missing,
And I’ve got a headache too.
Not now, Nigel,
Can’t you see I’m on my knees?
We’re trying to find the hamster
(And I think I’m going to sneeze).
Not now, Nigel,
I’d like to hear your news,
But Alice isn’t well –
She’s just been sick all on my shoes.
Not now, Nigel,
Claire’s bent her violin,
I ought to take a tablet
(And I need a double gin).
Not here, Nigel,
The staffroom’s meant for us;
Your place is in the playground
(Or underneath a bus).
Not now, Nigel,
I still feel quite unwell;
And, furthermore, it’s home time –
Off you go (saved by the bell).
Not… now, Nigel,
Though it’s nice of you to call.
I’d love to ask you in
But there’s a wolf-hound in the hall.
Not… now… Nigel,
It’s really time for bed.
My temperature is rising –
There’s a drum inside my head.
Tomorrow I’ll feel better –
Tomorrow, wait and see.
But not now, Nigel.
The nights belong to me!
The Trial of Derek Drew
The charges
Derek Drew:
For leaving his reading book at home.
For scribbling his handwriting practice.
For swinging on the pegs in the cloakroom.
For sabotaging the girls’ skipping.
For doing disgusting things with his dinner
Also charged
Mrs Alice Drew (née Alice Jukes):
For giving birth to Derek Drew.
Mr Dennis Drew:
For aiding
and abetting Mrs Drew.
Mrs Muriel Drew and Mr Donald Drew:
For giving birth to Dennis Drew, etc.
Mrs Jane Jukes and Mr Paul Jukes:
For giving birth to Alice Jukes, etc.
Previous generations of the Drew and Jukes families:
For being born, etc., etc.
Witnesses
‘He’s always forgetting his book.’ Mrs Pine.
‘He can write neatly, if he wants to.’ Ditto.
‘I seen him on the pegs, Miss!’
‘And me!’ ‘And me!’ Friends of the accused.
‘He just kept jumpin’ in the rope!’ Eight third-year girls
In Miss Hodge’s class.
‘It was disgusting.’ Mrs Foot (dinner-lady)
For the defence
‘I was never in the cloakroom!’ Derek Drew.
Mitigating circumstances
This boy is ten years old.
He asks for 386 other charges to be taken into consideration.
‘He’s not like this at home,’ his mother says.
The verdict Guilty.
The sentence
Life!
And do his handwriting again.
Small Quarrel
She didn’t call for me as she usually does.
I shared my crisps with someone else.