A bandoned Breaths
A bandoned Breaths
Poetry, Quotes, and Poetic Prose
A L F A
Abandoned Breaths
Copyright © 2016 by Alfa
Published by © AlfaWorldwide
First Edition
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form, whatsoever.
Editor: Christina Strigas
www.alfapoet.com
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Twitter: @alfa_poet
Book design by Maureen Cutajar
www.gopublished.com
ISBN: 978-0-9980503-0-0
This book is dedicated to the four greatest accomplishments of my life.
Jamie
Justin
Kristen
and
Landon
You are never too old
to chase after the passions
embedded in your heart and soul.
I love you all.
—Mom
When I finally exhaled,
releasing pent-up breaths,
the pain and resentment tore out of my seams like baby birds springing from their nests…
and my soul
s o a r e d.
Contents
1
Squall
1
2
Monsoon 35
3
Zephyr 79
4
Exhalation 127
Acknowledgements 175
About the Author 177
1
Squall
S Q U A L L
3
I have never been able to understand
how losing someone can make you
feel so full of longing
that your chest risks exploding
with every forced breath.
Losing should mean gone
or taken away,
empty.
But instead, every pulse in my body
incessantly screams his name.
The past strangles me at night.
It comes blanketed in remorse.
Hands of regret crushing my spirit.
Waves of nostalgia knocking the wind
from a chest that is much too full
of heirlooms and knick-knacks.
Memories of me and you.
~ Losing
4 Abandoned
Breaths
I believe the pain we experience with endings is a tool.
We can either use it to rebuild, or to tear ourselves apart, gnash by gnash.
I choose to re-purpose the unhinged parts of my soul.
I will let them shine.
rusty and antiqued.
I battled for them.
Good versus evil.
Me against myself.
I may look a little old and worn.
But, my God… run your fingers
over my ridges.
Feel my spirit pulse.
You will find character,
resilience, and fortitude.
~Vintage
S Q U A L L
5
I do not want to change you.
Your sadness does not scare me.
If anything, it highlights the fact that you are real, and you feel things deep enough,
until they escape your heart
and show in your eyes,
and I so desperately want you to feel me… that way.
~I never wanted to change him.
6 Abandoned
Breaths
All he did was breathe life into my soul.
I was a conquest.
An easy one,
and you don’t know
how badly it hurts
to know
that I was used
and tried
for a time.
Then thrown back.
~ Conquest
S Q U A L L
7
He never really had a chance.
My perception of relationships
has always been viewed
through the rose-colored glasses
my father shattered the day he left.
I learned as early as a squalling newborn
give life to your soul…
eventually leave.
~ awol
8 Abandoned
Breaths
He was a window shopper,
and that is a fine way to spend
a relaxing Saturday afternoon,
but my heart was tired
of being peeked at.
It didn’t want to be the reason
for buyer’s regret,
it wanted to be the reason.
All his reasons.
~Window Shopping
S Q U A L L
9
You think the pain goes away?
It does not.
It is always there, lurking.
It is powerful because it has been
forged by your tears.
It feeds off your memories.
It is waiting until it sees you
dancing in happiness
before it tries to cut in for a waltz.
Do not deny it.
Give it a turn
around your heart’s dance floor.
You are stronger now…
you can handle the beat.
Hold it close.
Remember the agony.
Kiss it on the cheek,
and kiss it goodbye.
~Goodbye Dance
10 Abandoned
Breaths
There are days
I want to dip my soul
in memories and just soak.
Then there are others
that I am p r a y i n g
they will all be washed away.
~Memory Bath
S Q U A L L
11
He has wanderlust in his veins.
His heart is always seeking,
filling up on the next adventure.
And the most painful lesson
I have had to learn…
Is you cannot tether yourself
to a soul that is meant
to fly.
~Visceral
12 Abandoned
Breaths
He dipped his hands
into my soul,
and finger-painted
hopes and dreams,
and fears and strengths,
into a work of art.
So now it hangs
in a time suspended display,
signed by a masterful talent…
seeking the right home.
~Artist
S Q U A L L
13
You have lived in the dark
for so long
that you have forgotten,
a soul needs light
in order to grow.
~Nocturnal
14 Abandoned
Breaths
I was spoon-fed fairytales
and rocked on knees of selfless
love from birth.
Imagine my surprise
when I had to learn the
hard way that the world
won’t love you like that.
So, you grow up…
you face ‘reality’,
and every beat of your heart
asks to go home.
~Fairytales
S Q U A L L
15
It is in the constant murmur
the echoes of never again
the hum of betrayal.
Vibrations so intense…
they hold hands
with my heartbeat.
It is in the insistent aching
that you feel pain
pin-pricking your spine,
more so than the air
filling your lungs.
Betrayal…
is the emptiness you feel,
when you analyze the gaps
that your heart stumbles over.
It pauses - skips a beat,
and with every silent interval,
the memories flood
and the gaps widen
and betrayal hums.
~ When he gave me no choice but to walk…
16 Abandoned
Breaths
You want him to miss you.
…to catch a scent on a
sun-dappled spring day that
reminds him of you…
and you want it to
cut him in half.
Bring him eye to eye
with his weak knees,
with a machete to the heart.
You want him to ache,
like you have done all winter.
You want him to endure
what the absence of you
feels like, and you want it to
last for every minute hereafter
because you are not someone
who is easily gotten over.
And you want him to miss you.
S Q U A L L
17
And my soul spoke to me one day. I heard her voice loud and clear, firm, and full of love.
You question your strength…
and I stand by and watch in
awe as you carry that
heavy heart around.
~Weightlifter
18 Abandoned
Breaths
She wants you to see things
she has never shown you.
She hopes you hear
things she has never said.
She aches for you
to spoon her heart
outside of your bed.
~Observation
S Q U A L L
19
My mind is strong.
A steel trap.
I have conditioned myself to
let nothing escape its confines.
I harbor a soul filled with eons
worth of strength,
forged and scribed by the Universe.
I am a celestial wonder,
an endurance hurdler.
But when he touches me,
moves in close…
skimming my world with a gentleness
I have never encountered before,
I feel a calming need to be still,
to quit flaying my insecurities…
or trying to prove my worth.
I want the softness, I need the quiet.
I need to absorb his essence,
the biting along my armor,
and figure out how this ‘being’
has become sustenance to my soul.
~Surreal
20 Abandoned
Breaths
How do you explain
the absence of a person
to your soul?
How do you
break the news
that it may never
be whole again?
~Empty
S Q U A L L
21
The line between
love and hate
is never as faint
as when someone
chooses to
leave you.
~Miniscule
22 Abandoned
Breaths
…and he kept coming back.
Sadly, more dependable when away,
and every time she was left to
wonder for how long.
The signs were always there,
mocking her heart.
Always knowing the desire would
‘wane’ after he’d had a few bowls
of ice cream.
His attention was that of
a boy.
She kept hoping the next
time he came back…
he would be
a man.
~Recess
S Q U A L L
23
Time
has been able
to do what I
never could
to your memory.
It has dulled
your shine.
~Brass
24 Abandoned
Breaths
I am not like the women
your mother warned you about.
I am the one
she told you
to wait for.
~The One
S Q U A L L
25
We hold onto
“I’m sorry”
with thieving hands
and sputtering hearts.
Thinking we have the
weekends and holidays…
and tomorrow.
Thinking we have
ample time to share
the words our souls
have hidden.
~Time Warp
26 Abandoned
Breaths
I am still in love
with the parts
I believed to be true.
All the lies
that began and ended
with I love you.
~Mask
S Q U A L L
27
… and when I found myself abandoned
with nothing but memories
to keep me company,
I wove each one
into intricate patterns
and fashioned a cozy
patchwork quilt
for my soul to curl up with.
Parts are threadbare
and the stitches are
misaligned,
but it is warm.
And more importantly…
It is home.
~Patchwork Quilt
28 Abandoned
Breaths
I will write my feelings,
and let them live the life
you promised us.
S Q U A L L
29
You never know
what you are getting,
until the person who professes
to love you
for ‘better or worse’,
reaches into your
abominable of ‘worse’,
and holds your soul,
until it is ‘better’
then…
Then, you will know
what you have.
~Better or Worse
30 Abandoned
Breaths
Tell yourself that I failed you
if that makes the hurt easier
to handle, because in a way,
I guess I did.
I failed to understand
the complexity in loving
someone who would rather
walk away than stand
strong and stay.
~Complexities
S Q U A L L
31
I have never been jealous
of an emotion before…
but he holds on to his pride
with more ferocity
than he ever held on to me.
~Prideful
32 Abandoned
Breaths
We give so much credit to hearts.
We acknowledge their reckless
capacity to love with every
labored breath,
but I want you to know…
my mind loved him too.
~All of me
S Q U A L L
33
But if
you would have
asked me to take your hand…
I swear, I would have held on
with my superpower.
2
Monsoon
M O N S O O N
37
To occupy this heart,
you must first pull
the weeds that will
obscure your view.
The walk may be a bit
overgrown from misuse.
At times, you will wonder
if you are on a witch-hunt,
looking for something
that does not exist…
but I promise you,