SUSANNAH: I am not afraid of people. People are not frightening. There is noth – [she sees ERNEST]
ERNEST: [embarrassed] Just – fetching a book. Carry on. [he goes to the door] Tom Brown’s Schooldays. Fearfully good. Read it, have you? No? Carry on.
[He goes ]
[SUSANNAH wanders slowly out the other way ]
[Cross fade to NICK and JAN’s]
[TREVOR suddenly wakes up]
TREVOR: No, the point is, Nick…
NICK: Huh what?
TREVOR: What? Sorry, did I…
NICK: You just startled me.
TREVOR: Have I been asleep?
NICK: Yes.
TREVOR: Sorry.
NICK: Quite all right.
TREVOR: I don’t think I was asleep, I was… Nick, Nick you’re a friend, aren’t you? I mean, I know there’s Jan and all that – she was mine, now she’s yours and you’re the luckiest man in the world but – I think I know you. And I trust you.
NICK: Thank you.
TREVOR: And I’d like to know more about you.
NICK: Ah.
TREVOR: And frankly, I’d like you to know more about me. [bounding up] I know, I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we take a walk? Now? Why not? Come for a walk?
NICK: I can’t come for a walk, Trevor. I’ve told you. I have a splintered spine. I’m lying here in agony.
TREVOR: Oh. Tell me about Jan, then.
NICK: Jan?
TREVOR: Jan as she is now. I mean, when you met her, when she came to you from me was she badly destroyed?
NICK: No.
TREVOR: Had I in fact destroyed her?
NICK: No, I think she’d forgotten about you completely by the time she met me.
TREVOR: But you see what I’m driving at, though?
NICK: No.
TREVOR: If I destroyed Jan, maybe I’m destroying Susannah in the same way. Maybe I’m just a destroyer of people.
NICK: Now that is possible.
TREVOR: You think that is possible.
NICK: No. Look, Trevor, I don’t want to belittle your powers of destruction in any way but it does appear to me that whereas Jan is a perfectly ordinary, normal – reasonably normal – woman – fairly well-balanced – that, in my experience, nothing short of a nuclear charge is likely to destroy – Susannah from our brief acquaintance was born a wreck, is even now a wreck and will probably die one.
TREVOR: [taking this in] You think it’s an inherent part of Susannah’s character?
NICK: Yes.
TREVOR: Not me at all.
NICK: No. I don’t think you’ve helped but…
TREVOR: That’s an interesting theory.
NICK: Just a thought. I mean, you must have known what you were taking on when you married Susannah.
TREVOR: She seemed to understand.
NICK: Ah well, yes. Most woman look as if they understand. Then you find half of them haven’t a bloody clue what you’re talking about.
TREVOR: Is that what you find with Jan?
NICK: I find the best of Jan is that she’s amusing occasionally, very efficient when she wants to be – pretty bright, and the worst is that she can be totally self-obsessed, erratic, bad-tempered and unreliable. But taking it all in all, I could have done worse.
TREVOR: I found her a very gentle person.
NICK: Really? Well…
TREVOR: Odd, isn’t it? How one person to someone can be something different to someone else? [he lies on his back on the bed beside NICK. Reflectively] I remember one day…
NICK: What the hell are you doing?
TREVOR: I remember this one magic day when Jan and I, we went off together…
NICK: Look, Trevor, you’ve got your shoes all over the eiderdown.
TREVOR: [casually shifting his feet] Sorry. We went to the seaside. It was one of those perfect days…
NICK: Look, Trevor –
[JAN enters brushing her hair]
JAN: Oh, that looks cosy. What are you up to?
NICK: Look, Jan, will you tell him to get his feet off my eiderdown?
JAN: Trevor! Shoes off, please.
NICK: Not just his shoes off. Get off altogether. What’s he doing lying on my bed anyway?
JAN: He’s not doing any harm.
NICK: He’s doing considerable harm. This is my bed. I don’t happen to want people sprawling all over it.
NICK: What nobody in this house seems to realise or appreciate is that I am in considerable physical discomfort. In fact, a great deal of pain. And it is not helped when people sprawl all over the damn bed.
JAN: Come on, Trevor. Come and help me wash up.
TREVOR: Right. Sorry, Nick mate. Sorry.
JAN: We’ll leave him to it.
NICK: And will somebody remember to remind me that I have to phone Arthur Hewitson tomorrow morning at home.
JAN: All right, all right.
[JAN and TREVOR go out]
NICK: [yelling after them] And don’t you two start anything in there. Do you hear me? Do you – aaaah. [he lies back]
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]
[KATE lying on the bed, wincing at the sound of heavy hammering in the hall]
[A clatter]
MALCOLM: [off] Oh damn and blast this thing.
KATE: Malcolm.
MALCOLM: Damn and blast it.
KATE: Malcolm, why don’t you come to bed? Leave it till the morning, love.
[MALCOLM marches in clutching two pieces of splintered wood]
MALCOLM: Look at that. Snapped in half. It was cut half an inch too big. I tried to get it in place and what happens, it snaps in half. Useless. Useless. I’m writing a letter to this lot. I can tell you.
KATE: You’re very tired … it’s nearly three o’clock.
MALCOLM: I am not tired.
KATE: Leave it for now.
MALCOLM: Oh no, I’m going to finish it.
KATE: Well, can I help at all?
MALCOLM: No, you cannot. This is a surprise for you. Now go on, get into bed. And go to sleep.
[He stamps out]
[KATE sadly gets into bed. As if by reflex and without really noticing what she’s doing, she removes a hair brush, three makeup jars and a couple of hairsprays. She lies down. The banging starts again in the hall with renewed fury]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
[SUSANNAH and DELIA enter]
[SUSANNAH with a cup of tea, DELIA with a slice of cake on a sideplate]
DELIA: [chatting cheerfully as they come in] … no, we had elastic on ours. We had terrible problems if they got too tight round here … oh, he’s still in the bathroom. Good. Now, we’re going to have to put you somewhere, aren’t we? And we haven’t really got an awful lot of choice. I think you’re going to have to share with me if you can bear that. Ernest can go in the spare room. He won’t mind at all.
SUSANNAH: Are you sure…
DELIA: No trouble. Now, you’re positive you’re not hungry?
SUSANNAH: No.
DELIA: This time of night, I get ravenous, [she takes a bite of cake] Now remember, three simple rules. Feed him properly. Make sure he’s clean clothes in the morning. And most important of all, don’t tell him anything you don’t have to. A little bit of mystery never did anyone any harm. You’ll have him eating out of your hand – this is delicious for a shop cake – now, we must find you a nightie. You’ll have to excuse the smell of pilchards when you first get into bed. You’ll find it wears off after a little, [holding up a nightdress] Now, how about this?
SUSANNAH: Thank you.
DELIA: It’s a bit old … now, what else?
[ERNEST comes out of the bathroom]
ERNEST: Right. That’s it. I don’t care what you’re talking about, I’m not sitting in that bathroom a moment longer. I have now finished Tom Brown’s Schooldays, there is nothing else in there to read and I’m going to bed.
DELIA: Yes
, we’ve decided to give you the spare room.
ERNEST: The what?
DELIA: The spare room. Trevor’s old one. You’ll be sleeping in there.
ERNEST: What, the one with the damp patch, you mean? Not on your life.
DELIA: Now don’t be silly, it hasn’t rained for days. Susannah’s staying the night and she’s sleeping with me in here.
ERNEST: In here?
DELIA: Yes.
ERNEST: In my bed.
DELIA: Just for the night. I’ll come and help you make up the bed in there. Oh, and you’ll probably need a bottle. You deal with the bottle. The bathroom’s just through there, Susannah. Use anything you find.
[SUSANNAH goes out]
[DELIA goes out]
ERNEST: [following] I don’t think I’ve ever spent a night like this in my life.
[As he goes, cross fade to NICK and JAN’s]
[TREVOR comes in with a teatowel to fetch NICK’s dirty cup]
[JAN appears in the doorway]
[TREVOR indicates NICK]
JAN: [sotto] Is he asleep?
TREVOR: [sotto] Yes.
JAN: Good. He’s been absolutely foul all day.
TREVOR: Has he?
JAN: He can’t bear it if he’s in bed. Absolutely loathes it. He’s so bad-tempered you would not believe it. I’ve got to put up with this for days.
TREVOR: Oh.
JAN: Imagine that all day long. Count yourself lucky you’ve only got Susannah. She can’t be worse than him at the moment.
NICK: I am not asleep. I heard that.
JAN: Good.
NICK: Is he going home now?
JAN: No, he’s sleeping here.
NICK: Who said so?
JAN: I did. Want to argue? He’s sleeping on the sofa. Come on, Trevor.
TREVOR: Oh. Can I ring Kate first? She’s waiting up for me, you see.
JAN: Oh, they’ll have gone to bed by now.
TREVOR: No, she said she’d wait up. I’ll just give her a quick ring.
JAN: If you like. I’ll get the number, I’ve got it somewhere.
NICK: Make sure he pays for the call.
JAN: Ignore him. [heading to the door] I’m sure they’ll have gone to bed, you know.
TREVOR: [following her out] I’d feel better if I phoned.
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]
[Banging from the hall]
MALCOLM: [off] Get in, you bastard, get in will you. [more banging] Get in … [more banging and a final crash]
[MALCOLM staggers in, bleary and dishevelled]
KATE: Have you done it?
MALCOLM: Give me a hand in with it, will you?
KATE: [jumping out of bed and following him off] Oh, right, I’m dying to see it.
[MALCOLM and KATE carry on the dressing table]
[It is a lop-sided mess. They set it down]
[KATE steps back]
Oh. Yes … yes…
MALCOLM: Well, it’s – not quite right but…
KATE: It’s very nice. I like the drawers. [she pulls one out. It is stuck]
MALCOLM: Hang on, hang on, don’t force it. [he pulls at the drawer without effect. He tugs at it. He wrestles with it and finally delivers it a mighty blow with the flat of his hand. The drawer opens] I’ll ease them a little in the morning.
KATE: It’s very handsome.
MALCOLM: Not bad.
KATE: I’m just a bit worried things might roll off the end.
MALCOLM: Roll off the end?
KATE: With it being a bit on the slant.
MALCOLM: Well, it’s got to be finished off. It’s got to be sanded down yet.
KATE: Oh, I see. Well. Well done.
MALCOLM: Most of their stuff didn’t make sense. I had to make half this up as I went along.
KATE: That’s not right is it? Are you coming to bed now?
MALCOLM: [squinting at his masterpiece] Yes, yes. Just a sec.
KATE: It’s very late.
MALCOLM: You hop in. I’ll join you.
KATE: [getting into bed] Don’t be long.
MALCOLM: No. All I need to do, you see, is to sand down the feet at this end a bit. It’s only a matter of a – of a little bit. [he lifts the thing on to its side] Just a moment.
KATE: What are you doing now?
MALCOLM: Won’t be a moment.
[The phone rings]
Who the hell can that be?
[KATE answers the phone]
[Lights up on NICK and JAN’s to reveal TREVOR at the other end]
KATE: Hallo?
TREVOR: Hallo. Kate?
KATE: Yes.
TREVOR: It’s Trevor.
KATE: Oh hallo, Trevor. [to MALCOLM, sotto, covering the receiver] It’s Trevor, [into phone] Where are you, Trevor?
TREVOR: Look, I hope it’s all right, I’m staying over with Nick and Jan here.
KATE: Oh, I see. I have made the bed up.
TREVOR: Yes well, thanks all the same, Kate. So just to say don’t wait up.
KATE: No, right, I won’t. I won’t. Thank you for phoning, Trevor.
TREVOR: Yes, well. Goodnight then, Kate.
KATE: Goodnight, Trevor.
[TREVOR rings off and goes out]
[replacing the receiver] He’s not coming back after all.
MALCOLM: Good. Now then, let’s have a look at this.
[He takes out a selection of sandpapers from his tool box and sifts through them]
[Cross fade to DELIA and ERNEST]
[DELIA enters followed by ERNEST]
[She takes his pillow from the bed and hands it to him]
DELIA: Now, you’ll be perfectly comfy in there. I don’t know what you’re complaining about.
ERNEST: I shall probably finish up with marsh fever.
DELIA: Nonsense.
ERNEST: On your head be it. That’s all I can say…
[ERNEST goes out]
[Simultaneously SUSANNAH comes in from the bathroom in her nightdress]
DELIA: Oh, that suits you.
SUSANNAH: Thank you.
DELIA: Much nicer than on me. Do you mind sleeping that side?
SUSANNAH: No, no.
DELIA: We tend to lie in a little on Sundays so don’t feel you have to get up. Actually, Ernest usually makes a cup of tea for me so maybe we’ll be lucky. Right, everything you want?
SUSANNAH: [getting into bed] Fine.
DELIA: [doing likewise] Now, if I do happen to dig you with my elbows – Ernest often complains I do that – just push me out of the way. Don’t worry, you won’t wake me.
SUSANNAH: Right.
DELIA: Lights out, then.
[They switch off]
Sleep tight.
SUSANNAH: Goodnight.
DELIA: Sweet dreams.
[Cross fade to NICK and JAN’s]
[JAN enters ready for bed]
JAN: Well, that’s Trevor settled. It makes quite a nice bed, that sofa.
NICK: Oh good. Now perhaps you can wrench your attention round to me.
JAN: Glass of water. [she hands it to him]
NICK: What for?
JAN: Two of these. [she hands him two tablets]
NICK: They are absolutely…
JAN: Come on. Come on, please. I want to get to bed.
NICK: Oh.
[He takes the pills]
[JAN gets into bed]
Are we sleeping with the light on?
JAN: Just for a second. I want to think.
NICK: Can’t you think in the dark? I mean, I thought I was supposed to get rest. This place has been like a major trunk road.
JAN: In a minute.
NICK: [after a slight pause] It beats me what you ever saw in that man.
JAN: Trevor?
NICK: Yes. I mean, it doesn’t say much for me. I mean, if he was your first choice that makes me your second choice.
JAN: I like a contrast. Shut up, I’m thinking.
NICK: Was he…
JAN: Mm?
NICK
: Was he – you know. Good?