IT’S COOL TO STAY IN SCHOOL
To the tune of “America the Beautiful”
My friends all told me I’d be cool
If I were getting high
I listened and I’m lucky that
I’m even still alive
I thought I’d be an engineer
And sometimes it seems strange
I ended up here on the streets
Just asking for some change!
Chorus
Now I’m a homeless junkie and
I live on crumbs and gruel
’Cause no one ever told me that
It’s cool to stay in school.
My shoes are just old boxes and
My hat’s a paper bag
I’d tell you just how bad I smell
But I don’t like to brag!
There’s something growing on my toes
My nostrils really burn
But how to deal with things like that
I had no chance to learn
For I’m a homeless junkie and
I’m dumber than a mule
’Cause no one ever told me that
It’s cool to stay in school!
MY AUNT JUDITH SMOKES
My aunt Judith smokes, in fact it’s all she ever does
My mom says she’s a bum, and that’s all she ever was
She watches bad TV all day, and smokes pack after pack
I went to her house one time, and I’m not going back
My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath
One of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death
Her teeth are always yellow, her fingers always stained
Her voice sounds like a duck that’s in an awful lot of pain
When she says, “Hey, sis, loan me ten bucks” (you see, she’s always broke)
She can’t afford to buy much food, it costs too much to smoke
My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath
One of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death
Last night Aunt Judith went to bed when she was tired
Her cigarette caught on the bed and set the place on fire
But even at the end, she just had to smoke some more
The firemen said that smoke was rising up from every pore!
My aunt Judith has breathed her last breath
I always knew that one day, she’d smoke herself to death!
GET HIGH ON SELF-ESTEEM
I don’t think there’s anything
I can’t do anymore
I’ve been snorting self-esteem
Behind the corner store
Catchy Choreutic Section
You don’t need to hallucinate, you only need to dream
All you have to do is get high on self-esteem
When I get full of self-esteem
I feel like such a star
The paparazzi take my picture
While I’m in my car
Chorus
SELF! ESTEEM! SELF! ESTEEM!*1
When I think of my future
It’s all peaches and cream
But I might have to go to rehab
’Cause I’m high on self-esteem!
Chorus
IF Y’ALL WANNA JOIN A GANG, JOIN THE
GOOD TIMES GANG!
Awwwww yeah!
You might’ve seen singing groups here before
But you aren’t gonna wanna see ’em back anymore
Now that I’ve been here, boppin’ with my crew
We’re the Good Times Gang, and we want you!
Everybody knows that we’re the best gang around
And as for all the other singing groups in town
We’ll take ’em all down, they better not be messin’
If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!
If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!
We pack number two pencils, sharp enough to sting
We have stories to share and songs to sing
So word to your teachers, put your hands in the air
And wave ’em around like you really do care
About being entertained, and learning, too
I know it all sounds too good to be true
But we can do both, with a dose of hysteria
So forget the other gangs in the tricounty area—
If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!
If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!
THE BALLAD OF HARLAN STURR*2
To the Tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”
(“Glory, Glory Hallelujah”)
“Is everybody ready?” asked the teacher, looking round.
Our hero bravely answered yes and then he heard the sound
Of all the students marching to the risers on the floor.
It was the all-school bee!
Chorus
Glory, glory to the class clown! Glory, glory to the class clown!
Glory, glory to the class clown—the teachers fear his name!
The spelling bee had finally come, he took his place in line.
He wasn’t there to win—no, he had something else in mind.
An act to make the kids remember him forevermore
There at the all-school bee!
Chorus
He spelled his way correctly through rounds number four and five.
They got down to the final few, but he was still alive.
His time had come to strike, he laughed about what was in store
There at the all-school bee!
Chorus
He stepped up to the mike—the time had come to do or die.
He thought of every test he’d failed, about the grades gone by,
Then belched into the microphone; the room shook to its core
There at the all-school bee!
Chorus
The students all were cheering, clapping hands and stomping shoes.
His comrades all were heard to shout, “A heckuva way to lose!”
But he spelled the word correctly—what a suitable encore
For any all-school bee!
Chorus
Thanks to the lovely Ronni, whose support made this happen. Thanks also to Nadia, my fantastic agent, and to Stephanie, Kenny, Eleanor, and everyone at Delacorte Press.
And to Richard Nixon, for being so hilarious.
ADAM SELZER grew up in the suburbs of Des Moines and now lives in downtown Chicago, where he can write in a different coffee shop every day without leaving his neighborhood. Besides working as a tour guide and assistant ghost-buster (really), he moonlights as a rock star.
He is also the author of How to Get Suspended and Influence People and Pirates of the Retail Wasteland. Check him out at www.adamselzer.com.
Also by Adam Selzer
How to Get Suspended and Influence People
Pirates of the Retail Wasteland
FOOTNOTES
*1This “call and response” section can last anywhere from thirty seconds to several minutes, depending on how much time the group needs to kill.
Return to text.
*2While some teachers expressed concern that this song did not contain a “positive message,” it quickly became the Good Times Gang’s most popular number.
Return to text.
Published by Delacorte Press an imprint of Random House Children’s Books a division of Random House, Inc.
New York
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2008 by Adam Selzer
All rights reserved.
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eISBN: 978-0-375-89125-0
v3.0