I could cast Simple Suggestion on it. But I would have to touch it. And ew.
If only I had an Incantation of Unclogging. But sadly, no.
So here we are. Still stuck with a weirdo in the outhouse.
“Come on, people!” cries Griff. “I’m paying for action! Solutions! Movement!”
“Sometimes the best action is inaction,” says Pan.
“Huh?” asks Griff.
“Sometimes the best solution is resolution,” says Pan, patting his big ham hand.
Griff does a nervous little holding-it-in jig. “And sometimes the best movement is a bowel movement! Whatever you’re going to do, do it quick! Things are getting serious in the land down under!” He turns and flounces back into the inn.
Poor little weirdo. Nobody likes him. Nobody talks to him. He just wants to be left alone in the toilet.
I’m talking about Griff. But yeah, I guess the water weirdo too.
I take another peek down the potty. It must be lonely down there. And then … it hits me.
“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way,” I suggest.
“Yeah,” says Moxie. “Cast something super powerful! What about one of those scrolls Kevin gave you?”
“I only have one left,” I tell her. “It’s called Stone to String Cheese.”
“I can’t see that ever coming in handy,” mutters Pan, shaking her head.
“You don’t know,” says Moxie in my defense. “Maybe we’ll be starving in a really rocky place. Fart could provide an all-you-can-eat string cheese buffet!”
“We’re getting off topic,” I say, turning back to the toilet. “What I mean is, maybe we should try using our words instead of our weapons.”
“Explain,” replies Pan.
“Maybe we should try talking to the water weirdo.”
“Interesting,” says Pan thoughtfully.
Moxie turns to me. “Can you do that?” she asks. “Can you talk to it?”
I turn to the toilet. And I cast a sweet little spell I’ve been working on that lets me temporarily talk to any creature. I cast Magic Mouth.
My mom always told me not to talk to weirdos. But this one and I have a nice chat. Turns out, water weirdos are totally reasonable. You just need to find out what they want.
And what this one wants … is chicken.
* * *
Our client does not seem pleased with our results.
“What do you mean, it’s still in there?” roars Griff.
“We made a deal with it,” I tell him.
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Strike a Bargain with a Water Weirdo!
(300 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
“It’s quite simple,” Pan explains. “You feed it one roasted chicken a week, and it agrees to quit biting butts.”
We all smile, pleased with our results-oriented approach. “It gets to keep its home and you get to keep your outhouse,” I tell him. “It’s a fair compromise.”
“And if that doesn’t work, you could always build another outhouse,” Moxie points out. “This place could use another one anyway.”
Griff grits his teeth. He grumbles. He gripes. He tells the cook to roast a chicken, and pronto! But he pays us.
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Another Satisfied Customer!
(300 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
Want to wield a bo staff like Pan, swing a hammer like Moxie, or turn someone into a stinky gas like Fart?
Check out
FART QUEST: THE GAME
to continue the smelly saga with our heroes!
* * *
Download it for free at https://read.macmillan.com/mcpg/fart-quest/
* * *
And don’t forget! There is more Fart in your future!
FART QUEST: THE DRAGON’S DOOKIE
Available September 2021
Other books in the FART QUEST series
Fart Quest
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
AARON REYNOLDS is a #1 New York Times–bestselling author of many highly acclaimed books for kids, including the Caldecott Honor book Creepy Carrots!, Nerdy Birdy, Dude!, and The Incredibly Dead Pets of Rex Dexter. As a longtime Dungeon Master and lover of Dungeons & Dragons, Aaron is no stranger to epic quests. He lives in the Chicago area with his wife, two kids, four cats, and between zero and ten goldfish, depending on the day. Visit him online at aaron-reynolds.com, or sign up for email updates here.
ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR
CAM KENDELL is an illustrator of all things absurd and fantastical; creator of comics such as Choose Your Gnome Adventure, Mortimer B. Radley: The Case of the Missing Monkey Skull, and Flopnar the Bunbarian; and artist for board games like D&D’s Dungeon Mayhem: Monster Madness and 5-Minute Mystery. When not drawing gnomes and/or goblins, Cam enjoys birding, rocking on the accordion, losing at board games, and hiking in the beautiful Utah mountains with his wife and four children, hoping to see a black bear … from a safe distance. Visit him online at camkendell.com, or sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Map
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Excerpt: Fart Quest: The Dragon’s Dookie
Other books in the Fart Quest series
About the Author and Illustrator
Copyright
Text copyright © 2021 by Aaron Reynolds
Illustrations copyright © 2021 by Cam Kendell
Published by Roaring Brook Press
Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership
120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271
mackids.com
All rights reserved.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2020912217
Our eBooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945 ext. 5442 or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
eISBN 9781250206398
First hardcover edition, 2021
eBook edition, 2021