“I don’t think so. Maybe I’ll take a break.”
“Erin,” he tells me in a calm voice. “I was
thinking of coming back.”
“What? You can’t, you’ve got that good job—”
“I’ve only got three months left and in any case
I would have had to apply for a new assignment. I
was thinking of taking these three months as a
leave of absence to come back a bit early in order
to be closer to you.”
“You can’t, Dad. It’s not your responsibility.”
“Then whose is it? Patrick’s?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m only saying
that the time has come where I need to face life on
my own without your help or anyone else’s.”
“Sweetheart, you’re only twenty-two and you
still have to graduate, you’re about to have a
child.”
“I can make it,” I say, even if my voice betrays
me. “I don’t want you … I don’t want anyone to
take care of me. I’ll take care of myself.”
“I’m sure you can do it, Erin, but I’m your
father and the child is my grandchild. Do you think
I could stay away from you? You’re all I have.”
My eyes fill up with tears and in a second, my
father hands me his handkerchief.
“I want to be there, even if you don’t need me. I
want to be near to help you because I am your dad
and that’s what parents do for their children.”
I nod, grateful and relieved. My father has come
home and will be close to the baby and me. It
makes me happy and is a huge weight lifted that
makes me feel better.
Not only because I’ll have someone to count on
but also because my father is my entire family.
“We’ll have to advise your mother,” he says.
“She has the right to know.”
I nod, drying my eyes.
“We’ll do it together, as soon as you’re ready,
okay?”
“Thanks, Dad.”
He smiles and caresses my hand.
“I’ve called an agency and asked them to find a
solution. They have assured me they will take care
of it quickly so that we can go back home.”
I lift my head up and look at him dubiously.
“Home?”
“Sure, dear. If you and Patrick don’t intend to
live together, surely you don’t think that it makes
sense for you to stay in that apartment. As soon as
it’s all worked out we’ll go back home and get
things worked out, one step at a time.”
At home. My home.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m here now
and everything will be fine.”
I nod, weak, unable to confess to my father that
I don’t have any intention of going back to live
with him. That I was already planning on
repainting the walls in the apartment and dreaming
of colors for the baby’s room.
That I was already dreaming about waking up
every morning in the strong arms of the man lying
next to me.
Patrick
I stopped by to visit my mom. I had a few hours
free and so I decided to come check out the
situation to see if things had gone back to normal.
“Hey, Honey, what are you doing here?”
“Just stopped by to say hi,” I tell her, kissing her
cheek.
“Can I make you something to eat? Are you
hungry?”
“No thanks, Mom, I’m fine. I’m just passing
by.”
“Just passing by? It’s not like I live right around
the corner.”
Okay, she got me.
“I wanted to see if everything’s going better.”
“You don’t have to worry about us, we’re
making it.”
“I can’t help it. Every time that bastard—”
“Patrick!” she admonishes me.
“Every time he shows his face, we all end up in
a mess.”
Mom sighs and sits down on the couch next to
me.
“We’re all fine, dear. Relax. We have Carl with
us.”
I nod and squeeze her hand.
“How are things going at the pub?”
“The usual,” I say vaguely.
“And Erin? How is she?”
Hearing her name makes me break out in a
“What’s this now?”
“What?”
“What are you smiling about?”
“Me? You’re wrong.”
“I’ll have none of that malarkey, Patrick.”
“Erin is well.”
“And?” she leans closer into me. “What aren’t
you telling me now?”
My cell phone goes off in my pocket. I cut the
conversation short and look at the display. It’s
Rain.
“Hi, Rain”
“Patrick, where are you?”
“I’m at my mother’s.”
“You have to come straight away to St. John’s.”
“The hospital?” I jump to my feet. “Why?
What’s happened?”
“Just get here, second floor.”
“Rain, but—”
“There’s something that you absolutely have to
see.”
~ ~ ~
I get to the hospital in twenty minutes. Usually it
would take about thirty or more, but by going
faster on my motorcycle I shaved off some time.
I park and head in the main doors, going
straight to the lifts. I go to the second floor where I
find Rain waiting for me in front of the sliding
doors leading to the ward.
“Finally!” She pulls me by the arm, “Hurry up,
room 108.”
“Who?” I ask, looking around, reading the sign
that says ‘gynecology’.
“Surprise!”
I look at her confused, while she smiles at me,
nodding towards the door. I open it just enough to
see Erin in the bed with her tummy uncovered and
a doctor passing a sonogram over her.
As soon as I get past the doorway the doctor
smiles at me, nodding for me to come in while
Erin has not yet realized I’m here.
I take a chair in the corner and bring it to the
bedside. I sit and brush her hand over the sheets.
She jumps and whips her head up to look at me
with big dreamy eyes, confused and surprised to
see me.
“Here’s Daddy,” says the doctor, smiling at us
both.
“He isn’t…” Erin starts to say, and I squeeze her
hand hard.
“I’m here, sorry about being late.”
“No problem, we just started. I was just asking
Erin if you want to know the baby’s gender.”
“It’s up to you to decide.” I smile, full of
emotion.
“I don’t know … I think, yes.”
“Good,” continues the doctor, looking at the
monitor.
“Couldn’t be any healthier. This baby girl is
really active, I don’t know what you’ll have to deal
with when she’s born.”
The only thing I heard was the word ‘girl’
before every emotion I ha
ve invaded every part of
my body.
“A girl,” Erin whispers in a voice wracked with
raw feeling. “Did you hear that, Patrick?” she says
to me but I’m speechless.
“The father is a bit emotional, let’s give him a
moment to gather himself before we go on,” the
doctor says before leaving us alone in the room.
Erin looks at me and brushes my face with her
hand. “Hey … is everything alright? Is anything
wrong?”
“It’s a girl,” I say, barely swallowing the lump
in my throat.
“Yes.” She smiles.
“We’re going to have a baby girl,” I say without
thinking about it, without reflecting on it and
without asking myself even for one second what
I’m doing here, why I’m next to this woman
holding her hand and why I’m crying like a baby
as I stare at a monitor with something undefined
and incomprehensible in front of my eyes.
And yet my heart is exploding with love and
happiness at seeing it all.
Seeing the lines of her face, a turned-up nose
like her mother, dark hair and doe eyes, sweet and
sincere.
Seeing a vivacious smile that precedes the echo
of a joyous laugh that fills all the days of my life.
Seeing a little puffy and delicate hand that grabs
on to mine with all its force and that I’ll never let
go.
My heart sees all of it, even that which the eye
cannot.
I can distinctly see this child running into my
arms.
This little girl is part of me, as if she was a piece
of my heart.
Because this child is mine.
22
Erin
I’m in a queue at the office of the university to
submit my thesis. I’m emotional and satisfied
because despite everything I’m doing, I’m going
on with my life.
I go in the office and speak with the secretary
and fill in all the forms, proud of myself. As I walk
through the hall heading toward the exit, I feel
someone touch my shoulder. I turn around to find
myself face to face with Nate.
“Erin … Hi, I thought that was you.” He smiles.
Then his gaze drops lower and his expression
changes.
“Nate,” I say embarrassed, biting my lip.
‘What?”
“I can explain,” I say, gulping hard.
“You’re pregnant?”
I lower my gaze.
“Erin,” he sighs. “It’s…”
I nod, unable to lie.
~ ~ ~
We sit in the cafeteria. I don’t have the courage to
look him in the eye. I wasn’t able to lie to him
either. Nate isn’t stupid.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks,
rubbing my hand.
I shake my shoulders. “You had just left me,
what could I do?”
He nods seriously. “I would have liked to have
known. What were you going to do? Keep it a
secret forever? I’m its father, Erin. Did you think I
wouldn’t accept my responsibilities?”
“I didn’t want you to feel any obligation.”
“Obligation? We’re talking about a child, our
child.”
“And what can you tell me about your
researcher girlfriend?”
“There is no researcher girlfriend. We left each
other a month ago. She went back to America.”
“Did she leave you?”
“It didn’t work out. She finished her time here
and went home. That’s it.”
“I see,” I reply resentfully.
He threw away everything for a few months of
sex with another woman.
“What are your intentions?” he asks dubiously.
“You know…”
“I’m having this child, Nate.”
“Yes, of course, that’s not what I intended to
say. I was just asking how you were thinking of
organizing your life, if there’s anyone to help
you.”
I can’t look him in the face to tell him about
Patrick. I look away and he comes to his own
conclusion.
“The gorilla, huh?” He says with a strained
smile. “I should have seen it coming.”
“Nate, listen, I don’t want anything from you,
okay? Nothing.”
“This child is also mine, Erin. I am its father
and I intend to provide for him. And for you.”
~ ~ ~
I go back home on the bus. I should have called
Patrick to have him pick me up, as I said I would,
but I just need some time to sort out my thoughts.
Nate wants to take his responsibility, to think of
the child and of me. He says we can give it another
try, that he made a stupid mistake and he’s ready to
start over for everyone’s sake. In a certain sense,
he’s right. He is the baby’s father, not Patrick even
if I’ve been telling myself differently.
I get off the bus at the stop in front of the pub
and Patrick comes out right away to meet me.
“Hey, how come you didn’t call me? I would
have come and got you,” he says, kissing me on
the lips. “Are you well? Are you both well?” he
corrects himself, patting my tummy.
I nod and let him hug me.
“What’s wrong? I can see you’re not happy. Are
you too tired?”
I nod again, hiding in his arms, unable to look at
him or to tell him what’s just happened.
“Go on upstairs and lay down a while because
tonight I’m taking you somewhere special. I took
the night off.”
“Where?”
“Nah … it’s a surprise.”
“Okay,” I say against my will and give him a
kiss on the cheek before I head upstairs, where I
am going to eat a tub of chocolate ice-cream while
I’m relaxing in a hot bath, so I can forget about all
this for a few moments.
Patrick
“Surprise!” I say, parking in front of my family’s
house, where the door has been painted pink and a
million balloons written ‘It’s a girl’ are waiting for
us.
“What?” Erin says in surprise.
“Come on.” I open her door and take her hand.
As soon as we set foot out of the car the house
door slams open and my whole family spills out to
welcome us.
“Oh my God, Erin!” exclaims my mother,
embracing her tightly. “You’re just stunning!” she
continues with misty eyes.
Erin is confused and looks around, trying to
understand what’s happening. Then the crowd
opens up, revealing another little surprise for her.
“Honey!” her mom comes out of the house to
hug her. Erin takes refuge in that hug and begins
crying, clearly moved.
“Mama … how did you…”
“This young man called me and told me
everything,” she says, referring to me. “I would
have liked to have known earlier so I could have
been here sooner.”
“I’m sorry,
I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“Hey, don’t cry, it’s not important. What is
important is that you and the baby are well.”
“All right everybody, inside,” calls my mother.
“Let the party begin.”
~ ~ ~
Also in the house waiting for us is Erin’s father,
Liam and Rain. We thought to have a little party
for the baby’s arrival. In point of fact, it was Rain’s
idea. We wanted to do it at the pub but it didn’t
seem right. So I called my mom and asked for her
help.
I can still hear her scream of joy ringing in my
ears.
Then I thought the moment had come to call
Erin’s mother too. I know I shouldn’t have really
gotten involved in that, but her father agreed that
we should make a move before too much time
went by.
Her mother reacted very differently to the way
her father did; she understood and came out right
away to be with her daughter. I’m glad her family
is ready to support her.
Erin is sitting on the couch, eating a piece of
chocolate cake with whipped cream—my mother’s
speciality.
Everyone has brought gifts for the baby and she
cries with emotion every time she opens one.
“Hey.” My mother comes up behind me.
“Thanks for all this, Mom.”
“Are you serious? I’ve never been happier. And
I’m so damn proud of you, that I could just die
from it.”
“Proud of me?”
“Oh Patrick. I always knew that you were a
wonderful man, you only needed to know it to give
yourself a chance.”
I shake my head to brush away her words.
“The love ya feel for her and the lil creature,”
she whispers, “is in every movement ya make,
every gesture and look you give her, son. She’s a
lucky girl.”
“I’m the lucky one.”
“And I am as well.”
“How’s that?”
“Finally I’ll have a grandchild,” she says,
smiling and my heart leaps up to my throat.
“You know it’s not mine, right Mom? I already
told you that.”
“Sure I know.” She smiles. “It’s not blood that
ties a man to his child. It’s the love, Patrick. Love
is the only thing that counts.” And having said
that, she goes back into the living room so as not
to miss any of the party.
“Patrick.” Carl approaches me as soon as Mom
has left. “I’m happy that you’ve brought her here.”
“I’m happy too.”
“Your mother doesn’t do anything but talk about