Once again, there's silence on the other end.
"Has no one ever told you how beautiful you are?" I ask cautiously.
"Yes. Laura did, yesterday,” she answers quietly.
"I mean a man, silly. A grown man. Have you never been held or cherished?" I ask her.
"I remember my dad holding me when I was a little girl, but the older I get, the more distant that memory becomes. So, no, I've never had a man touch me, really." she confesses sadly.
I have no idea what to say, I’m speechless. This girl has never had someone love her.
How do you tell someone that has never had the experience of love that you want to be her first? I want to be the one to show her what it feels like to have someone hold her, protect her and make her feel safe.
"I can't imagine what that is like, Joy," I say, thinking what my life would have been like without my parents and sister. "But I'd like to be the one to show you."
CHAPTER FOUR
After Matthew and I hang up, I pick my phone back up. I need to talk to Laura and quick.
"Hey, Joy. What's up?" Laura answers.
"Hi. I was wondering if you could come over for a little while tonight. I need a girl talk."
"Sure, babe. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Ice cream?"
"I think so. It’s about sex," I answer, hearing the trembling in my own voice.
"Uh oh. Mint Chocolate Chip?"
"Yep."
"Oh, no. I'll be there in ten." After we hang up, I sit frozen in place waiting to hear her key in the door, but instead I hear the buzzer.
"Laura, why don't you ever use your stupid key?" I mutter to myself unlocking the security door downstairs. When I hear her getting close, I unlock it and let her in.
"Um … because I lost it, okay?" She blurts out before I can say a word. "I can't find it anywhere, and I didn't know how to tell you."
Damn, that's her third one.
"Okay, I'm changing my locks and sending you the bill," I say, sounding crankier than I should.
“I'm sorry, Laura. I don't mean to be a shrew. I just need someone to talk to and help me sort some stuff out." I say, feeling completely confused.
"What's going on, babe?" Laura asks from the kitchen while dishing up the ice cream.
"Well, Matthew called me a little bit ago, and while we were talking, I mentioned that I have never been with a man." Laura suddenly stops banging around and when it gets quiet, I realize how odd it must sound that this subject would even come up in conversation. "He asked me if I've ever been loved, and when I told him no, he said he wanted to be the one to show me," I explain, wringing my hands on my lap. "What does that mean, Laura?"
"It means he really likes you," she answers matter-of-factly, as if I should know this already.
I'm screwed.
"You know my history. You know about Mike. He wasn't very nice about it at all and even with him, it was limited to just kissing," I remind her.
“I'm in trouble, aren't I?" I ask.
"Well, what about all that reading you do, you must have read something about sex?" she asks, talking through a mouth full of ice cream.
"No, not really. I mean, I've read the romance novels; how the women are all desirous of the hero in the books, and the men are all muscular and well endowed. What does that even mean?” I ask, feeling extremely naïve. "I mean, I know what the word means, and I think I know, but … the women are always virgins and they have to learn about sex from their new husbands.”
Our question and answer session goes on well into the night, and by the time the night is over, Laura has fallen asleep on my couch. She has given me a newfound knowledge of love and sex. I now know what to watch for when I feel I want to become physical with Matthew. First, though, I need to see what he looks like.
Friday was going by quickly; I finish the first book and start the second in the same series. Knowing I won’t be meeting Matthew at the café this morning, I stay home all day to get these books narrated. It seemed a perfect opportunity to make the day go faster.
Having tossed and turned all night in anticipation of my date with Matthew, I wake up early on Saturday morning and mull over everything Laura and I discussed. It’s unbelievable that someone of my age is clueless to the world of love, sex, and men in general. I have really kept myself in seclusion, that's for certain.
Since Laura promised to come over this afternoon to help me get ready for my first real date, I try to keep my already high emotions tempered by taking Conrad out to the courtyard behind the building. When I bought this apartment, I solicited the tenants of the building to turn the small private courtyard into a dog park of sorts, promising to supply the service to keep the area clean of dog debris. Considering most of the tenants were seniors and pet owners, it didn't take much convincing.
Once Conrad had finished his morning ritual, I start making the pie that I promised Matthew. I make two, one for the party and one for him to take home. After I set them out to cool and clean up my mess, I get to work. Part of my work routine starts by printing the transcript to Braille. Then, after reading the chapter first, I narrate it to audio. As soon as the first three chapters are finished, I find my mind drifting again, to what Laura and I had discussed. Sex 101 she called it. Everything I believe my mother would have talked to me about, Laura told me, and then some.
When she asked me if I had ever touched myself and experienced an orgasm, I told her I believed that I had. She said that if I were to have sex with Matthew, those orgasms would be ten-fold. The thought of Matthew intimately touching me raised my anxiety levels. It's something I want, yet fear at the same time.
Laying my head against the back of my chair, I ponder about what it would feel like to have Matthew touch me … kiss me. I’ve only had one boy's kiss, which wasn't all that exciting. Unexpectedly, I feel something stir in the pit of my stomach. Is this what Laura was trying to tell me last night? Is this desire I’m feeling? I grin, hoping that if it is, it never goes away.
My watch says three o’clock and Laura will be here soon, so I quickly straighten up my desk, then make my way to the kitchen to get us something to drink. As predicted, Laura, who is very rarely late, knocks on my door. Knowing who it is, Conrad doesn't even lift his head.
"You found your key, I see," I say when I open the door.
"I did. It was hiding in the pocket of this bag that I switched over to this morning," she replies happily, as she walks through the door.
"Jessie’s picking me up at four thirty, which gives us half an hour to get you ready before I need to leave to get ready myself, so let's get to work," Laura says, as she takes the brush to my hair. "Let's do your hair in an up-do ... something messy and sexy. You have such a beautiful, long neck; you might as well show it off."
It's funny that after she painstakingly brushes my hair, she takes her hands and deliberately messes it up again before securing it on the top of my head. My hair is long, reaching past the middle of my back, and how she got all of it to stay put is a mystery to me. Laura’s an artist when it comes to this kind of thing.
After she finishes my hair, she applies make-up to my clean face, and then hurriedly picks out my outfit.
"I’ve placed your royal blue V-neck knit top, black Capri's, and underwear on the end of your bed. After you take your bath, it's all there … starting on the left. I've chosen the blue sweater that's just sheer enough and faintly see-through. The blue lace bra that will barely show through is sexy, but still discreet. Your black ballet slip-ons are on floor next to the bed."
; "Laura, you are the best. Every girl should have a friend like you. Thanks for all this," I say, reaching for her hand. She places hers in mine, and I pull her in for a deep but brief hug. "Now go. Go make yourself beautiful for Jessie. I know he's excited. Matthew told me. See you later, okay?"
"Okay, sweetie. You look really pretty. Matthew is going to be staring at you all night," she says before leaving to get ready herself.
Checking the time, I still have an hour, so I opt to take a nice, long bath. I want to make sure my legs are silky smooth, and Laura says my girly bits need paying attention to now Matthew is in the picture. Insisting I wax down there, she’s going to make us appointments at her spa next week. Blushing at the thought of anyone touching me there, I nearly cover my face in embarrassment with my wet hands. Stopping mid-air, I remember my make-up. I almost ruined it! After finishing my bath, I apply my favorite scented body lotion then count the steps to my bed. Feeling my toe touch the shoes that are waiting for me, I begin to dress.
Just as Laura promised, my clothes are lying neatly on the bed and I begin with a pair of lacy thong panties. I visualizing Matthew touching them. Wait. What if these are the ones Laura dropped on the sidewalk? It would be so like her to do that to me. I moan at the thought and quickly finish dressing. After slipping into my shoes, I make sure everything is in place before picking out my jewelry.
Matthew is due any minute, so I take Conrad out again and spend a little time with him. I don’t know who loves to play catch more, but he will play until he rolls over if I let him. When he places the wet ball into my hand, I immediately drop it. It’s so full of slobber and just too nasty to hold anymore. "Gross, Conrad." I cry. "Time to go in," I say and he takes his place at my side.
At four-thirty exactly, Matthew buzzes in downstairs, and once he’s at my door, Conrad is right there with me. He knows who it is because I can feel his tail swinging a mile a minute as it hits against my leg. I think he’s more excited to see Matthew than me.
"Hello, come in.” I’m feeling really nervous and pray it's not obvious. "Conrad, lay down," I command, and he happily does as he's told. "I think he's excited to see you."
"Wow, you look beautiful," he says, touching my arm, leaning in and placing a brief kiss on my cheek before greeting Conrad.
"Thank you, so do you," I reply, giggling. "Would you like something to drink or should we leave right away?"
"No, we have a few minutes. I brought a bottle of wine if you'd like a glass," he offers. I take advantage of him standing in front of me by taking a deep breath and inhaling his scent. I grin when he chuckles at me.
"Do you like the way I smell, Joy?" he asks, his voice deep and low, coming directly from above me.
"Yes," I say, shyly. "You wear it nearly every day, that’s how I recognize you when you walk in the café." I feel the heat rise in my cheeks at my blatant admission. Yep, I recognize this sensation now. Laura explained it very well.
"Where are your wine glasses?" he asks in the same sultry tone, still standing close to me.
"They're in the k … kitchen, in the cupboard to the left of the sink," I stutter. Rather than going to get the glasses, he takes my chin and lifts my face up to his.
"Joy?" he says my name close to my ear. "I’m going to kiss you now."
"Um …" I manage to say before my knees start to tremble.
All I can do is nod my head, and then my senses take over. I feel the warmth of his smooth cheek next to mine. I smell the minty sweetness of his breath and my head spins when warm lips touch mine. I cling to him for support as if I could faint at any moment. He must sense it too, because his arm quickly goes around my waist, pulling me close, holding me tightly against him. My body goes into sensory overload, and I could cry from the sheer pleasure of that one, single, extraordinary kiss. I push away from him to get my bearings. My head is spinning, my heart is racing, and I swear I could float to the ceiling.
"Oh, god," I whisper, taking a step back and touching my lips in quiet surprise. It feels as if they are on fire, swollen and wanting more. Laura could never have explained this to me.
"Joy?" he says my name, making it sound soft and light, like air. "Joy, are you all right?" I can hear the concern in his voice.
"Yes," I respond, still mesmerized by his kiss. “Did … did I say that I’ve been kissed before?” My body, trembling, responds to him again when he bends down to kiss my cheek.
"Matthew, I need a few minutes. I … I'll be right back," I say before turning toward my room. My mind is floating in a hazy fog and I feel ashamedly disoriented. "Conrad," I call out, my voice shaking, and within seconds, he’s at my side. "Bedroom," I whisper. He immediately guides me to my room where I shut the door, closing Matthew out until I can regroup and wrap my mind around what just happened, more specifically, my reaction to what just happened.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, rocking back and forth, I relive that moment as my fingers trace my lips. I can still feel the sensation of having him touch me there. Did I actually float three feet above the ground during that kiss? I giggle at that thought because that's certainly what it felt like. I can undoubtedly say that that was my first kiss, and I'm glad it was with Matthew.
"Joy?" I can hear concern in his voice.
"Come in." I straighten up, hoping I look more composed than I feel.
"Are you all right?" he asks in a rush.
"Yes, I’m fine," I reassure him, fiddling with my fingers. I’m so embarrassed. "I guess you could say that was my first real kiss and I don't think I handled it very well. I was a little overwhelmed," I confess. Taking my hand, he softly strokes along my fingers.
"I think you handled it beautifully, and I'm honored that I was your first," he says quietly. His brow touches the side of my head, as he runs his finger across my jaw, down to my chin. He tugs my face toward him again and gives me a chaste kiss, not as intense as the first one, but just as sweet.
"How about that glass of wine and then we'll leave for Maddie's," he suggests, as he softly strokes my bottom lip. He’s so close to my face, I can feel his warm breath against my cheek.
"All right," I reply in a whisper. Holding my hand out to him, he takes it and turns it over, placing a kiss in the center of my palm.
Matthew guides me to the living room and tells me to have a seat on the couch and a few moments later, he places a glass of wine in my hand.
"May I propose a toast?" he asks, sitting down close to me.
"You may," I say lightheartedly.
"Here's to our first date and to many more firsts." He touches his glass to mine and I smile, taking a sip.
"Mmm. Sauvignon Blanc," I say. "My favorite."
"Very good, Joy. I'm impressed," he says, sounding sincerely surprised. I smile at him, raising my glass to him before taking another sip.
"So, tell me something about yourself. Something that makes you happy." I feel him sitting back against the couch, and I turn my body toward him.
"Well, let's see," I contemplate while tugging on my bottom lip between my fingers. He takes my wrist, pulling my hand away, and then gently runs his thumb across my mouth.
"I had a fairly normal childhood. My parents were good people. They loved each other; that I remember. They were always touching each other. I miss them terribly. After the accident, I struggled for a few years. My grandmother helped me adjust. I learned a lot from her."
I stop to remember some of the things she would say to me when I got to feeling sorry for myself.
"She taught me self-acceptance and the ability to love myself and others, even when they were cruel with the situation I found myself in. She taught me to see with my heart, and that sometimes we tend to forget that people have goodness inside of them, and that most sighted people judge the outward appearances before getting to know the goodness inside."
"Very sound advice," Matthew says, running his finger up and down my arm.
"That's how I know you have goodness inside you, Matthew. You have a good soul."
"So do you," he replies softly.
"What about you? Tell me something about yourself other than what you do for a living," I ask and hear him take a deep breath.
"Well, let's see," he begins. "My parents have been married for thirty-five years and are still madly in love with each other. They enjoy each other's company and miss one another when they're apart. My childhood was wonderful and I was a member of everything, Boy Scouts, Drama Club, Glee Club, Chess Club, you name it – everything. I went to the same summer camp for ten years until I was just too old to go anymore. My decision to go to medical school was a no brainer with both my mother and father as doctors."
"What medical school did you attend?" I ask, taking a sip of my wine.
"Harvard. I graduated high school early and Harvard accepted me. I feel as if I've been in school all my life. If there’s a new medical advancement, I educate myself and research it. I’m always learning and advancing my craft.”
"Do you and Maddie get on as siblings? I always wished I had a brother or sister,” I ask, changing the subject.
"I adore her," he says through a smile. "Even though we are the same age, I have taken on the role of the older brother, which technically I am … by two whole minutes. She comes to me when she needs me. If you could see us, we are like night and day. I'm six foot one, and she’s five foot five. My hair is lighter brown than hers since I inherited my mother’s coloring and she’s inherited my father’s. We both have blue eyes, however." I know he’s smiling as he talks about her. I want to see that smile, so I get up the nerve to ask.
"Matthew, do you mind if I look at you?" I ask, shyly.
"No, not at all. I was hoping you would want to."
He scoots closer to me and takes my hands, placing them on his face. After he takes a deep breath, he releases it after a long while. I start with his forehead. It's strong and deep and I can see his worry lines and know that he concentrates often and deeply. I then run my fingers along his thin eyebrows, down to his eyes. They are big, with long eyelashes. I smile at that and envision his eyes lined with dark, thick lashes. His nose is straight and thin and his cheekbones are high. I catch myself licking and biting my lower lip when I run my fingertips along his very strong jaw and down to his square chin, which has a slight cleft right in the middle. Raising my fingers to his lips, I lick mine again in the process. After allowing me to touch them, he parts them and smiles at me. Dropping my hands to my lap, I digest everything I've just learned and smile.