Skilled Assistance

  Produced by David Widger

  SHIP'S COMPANY

  By W.W. Jacobs

  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe'.]

  SKILLED ASSISTANCE

  The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer thegate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too welldesigned to express it.

  "If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether theSilvia is up she's been four or five times," he growled. "He's forty-seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talkswith a stutter. When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't meltin 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I waspaid a-purpose to wait on her. I asked 'er at last wot she thought I washere for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither. Andafore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot waslistening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.

  "She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot. They're all thesame; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon asthey don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think Iam. I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget itas long as I live-never. For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'airin a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.

  "Talking of her reminds me of another woman. There was a Cap'n Pinner,used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe. Nicelittle craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller. Many and many's thepint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'ewas foolish enough to think I'd done it.

  "He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'iswife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em. Well-offthe old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'aveall his money when he'd gorn. Their only fear was that 'e might marryagin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, Ithought it more than likely.

  "'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'he ses one day. 'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'

  "''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.

  "'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, youwouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n. 'You'd know better. The on'ything is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-doing of it.'

  "It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up toLondon with 'im. They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they wason'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to getinto trouble.

  "The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in theinner berth 'ere. He walked up and down like a man with a ragingtoothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tiredout, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with awidder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun. Arter he 'adcooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.

  "'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot mymissis'll say to me, I don't know.'

  "His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush'imself all over with a clothesbrush. Nice-looking little man 'e was,with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed upin a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap. His realname was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he tooksuch a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.

  "'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by. 'I've got an app'intment.'

  "'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.

  "'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me. 'Solong.'

  "He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipperstarted walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.

  "'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.

  "'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talkfoolishness.'

  "As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'imsafe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was. She 'adn't been onthe wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, andwhen she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf itssize. She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you pleaseholding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.

  "I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and Iwouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints. He felt betterthen, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.

  "'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last. 'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'

  "'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses. 'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'

  "'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'

  "'She's very likely married already,' I ses.

  "'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'issleep. Overlaid, I should say.'

  "He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking. Twice 'e spoke to me,and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of asudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.

  "'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.

  "'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.

  "'Very good, then,' I ses. 'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'

  "The skipper looked at me very strange. 'Yes,' he ses. 'Yes. Yes.'

  "'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses. 'Orbetter still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time. That'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'

  "'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.

  "'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.

  "'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'adto-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'

  "I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought intwo more customers to see wot was the matter. Then I took 'im by thearm--arter a little trouble--and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explainedmy meaning to 'im.

  "'I know the very man,' I ses. 'He comes into a public-'ouse down my waysometimes. Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'dfrighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death. He's big and ugly, and picks up aliving by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want'em. Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'

  "We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over. There's several barsthere, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'avingbeen brought up to the public line. The skipper told me all 'e knewabout Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down atseven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.

  "I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there. Nasty temper 'e wasin, too. He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fustman 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost lastChristmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.

  "'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs. 'Ow'sa honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'

  "I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, hesaid 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain. Arter hehad 'ad three 'e