Broken and Screwed

  disrespect to you. Reed Camden.”

  I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I certainly couldn’t shake his hand. He looked exactly like Ethan.

  I bent over. I really couldn’t breathe. I started to wheeze.

  “Hey!”

  Gentle hands touched my shoulders. I bent my head between my knees and gasped for breath. I couldn’t—I couldn’t even see now. “Jesse.”

  “I’m here.” He lifted me out of the closet and carried me to the bed. As he sat, I curled into him.

  “Dude, what the hell?”

  “Just go with the team. I won’t make it.”

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  My hands grabbed onto Jesse’s blazer and I pressed into him. I gasped for breath. His hands rubbed down my back in soothing motions the whole time. Oh god. He looked so much like Ethan, too much like him.

  “Jesse,” I whimpered.

  I felt him press a kiss to my shoulder, then he growled, “Fucking go, Reed!”

  I trembled in Jesse’s arms.

  He cursed under his breath and readjusted his hold on me. His arms were more secure around me.

  Reed went to the door, but he returned again. He sat on the other bed with a fierce frown. “What’s wrong with her?”

  Jesse shook his head and cursed at him. “This is when you decide to be friendly?”

  He shrugged. His voice came out wrangled. “My sister has night terrors. This hits home with me.”

  “Oh, god.” The disgust was evident with Jesse, but he lifted me on his lap again. This time, he propped me up and smoothed my hair away from my forehead. His tone gentled. “Hey, hey. Come on. Look at me. Please stop crying, Alex.”

  His desperation did the deed and I swallowed all the pain away. He needed me. I might’ve been losing it, but I knew that Jesse was on the verge as well. He needed me to come back and I needed to be the strong one now. My hand slipped into his as I took gulping breaths to stuff my hysteria down.

  The guy looked like him. So what?

  There were lots of guys that looked like Ethan, but then I looked at him again. Everything stopped in me. Oh god. He was the spitting image of him. How could this be? How could there be another Ethan in the world?

  “Hey, hey.” Jesse sat me up even more and ran his hand up and down my back in a brisk motion. “Come on. Breathe, Alex. Breathe.”

  I breathed. Then I gulped for more air.

  “You want me to call Angie?”

  I shook my head. Some tears slipped down my cheek, but I ignored them. I had to deal with it. It was about time I started dealing with it. But I couldn’t look away from the guy’s piercing eyes. Someone stabbed me in the gut. And then someone reached inside of me, took hold of my heart, and ripped it out. I felt like my heart was beating in a stranger’s hands and I was staring at it. The trembling started in. Jesse cursed again, but lifted me in his arms.

  “Jesse!”

  “This is enough.” The resolve on his face made me pause. It was set and determined. He was tired, hell, he was exhausted. And then he carried me into the bathroom, turned the shower on full blast, and dumped me into the tub.

  I screamed.

  “Dude!”

  Jesse held Reed back. Jesse’s eyes caught mine as I gasped against the onslaught of cold water. I couldn’t look away. There was a fevered determination in him, and I knew he’d had enough. It was time to stop.

  I stood then. Something centered in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. Ethan was with us in the room right then. I felt him. The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright, but I gasped for more breath. The water was so damn cold.

  Jesse’s eyes blinked rapidly. His set face faltered for a second. I knew he felt him too. But then his impassive mask slipped back into place. His eyes bored me down and he leaned against the doorframe. His captain was behind him with an expression akin to terror and amazement on his face.

  I rasped out, “He’s here.”

  Jesse nodded. The wall was back in place. I couldn’t reach him, but I wanted to. I needed to.

  As I stood in the tub with the cold water beating down on me, shivers wracked through me. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs. Ethan was dead, but his memory felt so alive. I jerked my eyes to Jesse’s captain. He paled, but he didn’t look away. Then I held my hand out.

  He looked at it strangely.

  Jesse moved aside and Reed stepped forward. He shook my hand.

  I was so cold. More trembling was starting to sink in, but I said through rattling teeth, “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you.”

  His eyes were wide as he looked from me to Jesse and back, but his hand squeezed around mine. “Thanks. You too.”

  He pulled his hand back and retreated into the hallway. “I’ll—um—I’ll see you later, Hunt.”

  Jesse didn’t blink an eye or react when the door slammed closed. But he gave me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I think I will be.” And I meant it.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Jesse went late to his team’s breakfast, but not until I reassured him that I would be fine. I was warm. I was dressed. And I was hungry. An hour after he left, I made my way through the hallways to the room Angie had texted was theirs. I was emotionally exhausted. Seeing Ethan’s look-a-like had sent me wheeling. I hadn’t expected it, but it was for the better now.

  I couldn’t explain what had been shared between Jesse and me, but I felt stronger because of it. I couldn’t keep crying. I couldn’t keep breaking down. It was time to start thinking of Ethan in a different way; when I would feel him around me, I wasn’t going to be scared anymore.

  Then I took a deep breath and ran my hands down my pants. My stomach was all twisted inside, but it was time to be strong again. It’d been so long. And then I stopped outside of Angie’s door. A whole different storm started inside of me. This was it. She knew about Jesse and me. She’d always known, but she had assumed it had stopped. It hadn’t. Now what? I knew she’d be disappointed in me. Angie felt a girl should only sleep with a guy if they’re committed and in love. I loved Jesse, but as for his feelings or the committed part, I knew not to hope for that. When I was stronger, when I could bear the idea of losing him, I’d walk away. I only hoped I wouldn’t be too shattered at that point. I raised my hand and knocked on the door.

  It was time.

  She opened the door and didn’t disguise her anger at all. Her shoulders were rigid and her eyes were hard. With a gesture inside, she murmured, “Let’s talk.”

  Oh boy.

  Marissa was on the dresser. Her legs were dangling and she was twiddling her thumbs in her lap. When she looked up, panic came over, but she bit her lip and looked back down. When I perched on the end of the bed, Angie stood beside her. She crossed her arms and raised her chin. Marissa didn’t look back up, but that didn’t matter.

  Angie started. “So?”

  “So?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Are you going to explain it now?”

  “Explain what?”

  “Jesse Hunt!” Her arms went wide. “My god, you left with him. You haven’t been answering your phone. I mean, what is going on with you two?”

  A spark of anger lit in me. “You knew about us. You’ve known since August. You just assumed that he would’ve forgotten me, didn’t you?”

  “I…” She sighed. Her mouth opened, and then closed. She gaped at me like a fish. “I don’t know what I thought. Yes, I thought it stopped with you two. He’s going to destroy you. Don’t you see that? Can’t you stop it?”

  My blank face was my response. It was now none of her business. Her opinions had been heard, but it didn’t stop me. It wasn’t going to stop me. Seeing that, she threw her hands in the air again. Then she twisted to the side. “Marissa? Don’t you have anything to say?”

  Her shoulders lifted and then lowered. She glanced up, but there was such fear there. “Um, I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to share.”

&n
bsp; “Are you kidding me?”

  She gave her a helpless shrug. “What do you want me to say? She’s going to do what she wants to do. I mean, we’ve told her our worries, but that’s all we can do. We can’t make her not see him.” Then she bit her lip again and looked down. Her thumbs were twiddling a second later.

  “Oh my god! I can’t believe the two of you.” Angie jerked to me again. “You don’t have anything else to say?”

  I kept my voice calm. “I’ve never lied to you, not openly. I might not have shared certain information with you, but I never really lied to you. You guys knew about Jesse. I just didn’t tell you that it hadn’t stopped when I realized you thought it had.”

  “But, there.” Her arm shot at me, pointing. “Right there is a lie. You lied to me by not correcting me. I’m your friend, Alex. Why wouldn’t you share this with me?”

  “Because of this. You don’t like him—”

  “That’s not true.”

  “—you don’t like the idea of him and me—”

  “That’s true.”

  “—and you’re only saying all this stuff because you think there’s no chance that Jesse would ever be with me.” I finished out of breath. My chest was heaving.

  Her mouth twisted into a frown. “I didn’t, that’s not all true.”

  “Yes, it is,” Marissa spoke up, now timid.

  “What?” Angie whirled around to face her. Her arms got tighter over her chest. “You agree with her?”

  “Just that,” she stopped, pale in her face. Then she looked away, shrugging once again. “Never mind.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  Angie’s eyebrows went high. “What? No, what? What were you going to say?”

  “Nothing,” she mumbled.

  “Marissa.” Her voice was harsh. “Come on. You just agreed with everything I said this morning and now you’re backing down? You don’t agree with me? I look like a fool.”

  I frowned, but Marissa’s head shot back up. “That’s not true, and it’s not about you. You have an opinion on her life, but you’re forgetting that we’re not all as perfect as you.”

  “I agree.”

  Angie shot me a glare, but turned back to her. “Excuse me?”

  Marissa visibly swallowed and tucked her hands under her legs. Then she looked up, a brave front. “You forget that some of us don’t have the perfect boyfriend. We don’t have the perfect relationship. We’re not you. We’re not as lucky as you are.”

  Angie’s mouth dropped to the ground. She was speechless. Then she gurgled out, “Are you kidding me?”

  She was right. Marissa was totally right, but when Angie swung her fierce gaze towards me, I looked down. I had escaped the lion’s den so far, and I sent a mental thank you to Marissa. However, a different tension filled the room now. Angie had been called out on something she didn’t want to hear, even I knew that much. Now it was the question of how she was going to take it.

  “You are so stupid!”

  Not well.

  “Excuse me?” Marissa’s eyes flashed from anger. She sat like a queen now. There was no slouch at all in her posture.

  “You heard me.”

  “I can’t believe you. You don’t have any idea of what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, I do,” Marissa cried out. She was heated. “You’re so goddamn perfect all the time, Angie. None of us can measure up to you. And so what if Jesse and Alex are screwing around? If I did that with him, you wouldn’t care. You’d pester me for details and you’d even get excited, but you’d laugh at me behind my back. I know how you operate, Angie. Me, I’m just some stupid slut, but Alex, heavens no. She’s a saint to you. Wake up! She’s a mess. She has been since her brother died. I’m not surprised at all that’s she screwing him. He’s hot.”

  A grin broke free from me. I couldn’t hold it back.

  Angie growled from disgust. She blasted both of us with her frosty glare. “I can’t believe either of you two. You both are settling, and I think it’s revolting. I don’t want my friends to settle for less than what they deserve. You deserve a guy who loves you. You deserve a guy who will treat you openly and be honest with how he cares for you. You don’t deserve to hide or keep your relationship a secret.”

  She stopped suddenly, but her chest kept heaving. Her shallows breaths were loud in the quiet room, but then Marissa hopped to her feet. Her chin was set and she flared in defiance. “I don’t care what you say. You don’t know me anymore, Ang. You used to, but some messed up crap has happened to me. You have no idea and you have no right to judge me anymore. I won’t stick around for it.”

  “But—” Angie’s mouth dropped once again. When she saw that Marissa was about to leave, her long finger extended towards me. “We’re here for her, not for you and me. You called me, remember? You were the one who said we needed to get Alex out of the house and have a friend trip. What the hell? How did we get into a fight? This was all about Alex.”

  I straightened at that. “Excuse me?”

  Her mouth snapped back shut. “Nothing.”

  My gaze whipped to Marissa. “What is she talking about?”

  Her eyes were wide, fearful, but then she crumbled. She said so quietly, “I saw your parents at the airport, Alex.”

  Nothing. I felt nothing.

  There was no friendliness. There was no warmth. There wasn’t even pain. I’d gone numb again. But I choked out, “And?” I needed to hear it all, and from the torment on her face, I knew there was a bunch more.

  I got myself ready.

  “We know they ditched you for the holidays.”

  Oh. They knew. Angie had already told me they knew, but this made more sense now.

  “Well?” Both of them watched me.

  “What?”

  “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?” Angie seemed dumbfounded.

  I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? You already knew. You found their note.”

  “But they’re here,” she cried out. “They’re here to see Jesse and they’re not including you in anything.”

  “They’re married. That’s for them to do. This is like a second honeymoon or something.”

  “And they told you with a note!” Her arms flung wide again. “I would be going crazy. I would be calling them and chewing them out. How dare they forget you! You’re their child. You’re their last kid alive. You’d think they’d go overboard with you since they lost Ethan.”

  Pain ripped through me. A shudder of torment that I’d always suppressed broke free at hearing those words. They’d been thoughts that I had over the past year, but I’d never voiced them. I never said a word to my parents. They were grieving. They had lost Ethan too. So I gave them their distance. I became the good girl for them. I didn’t want them to worry about me either, but then it had gone too far. They stopped caring. They stopped loving. And now, as Angie said all of that, the main thought I had was that it felt as if I wasn’t their child anymore. They had always loved Ethan more, but after this year I was starting to wonder if they had ever loved me.

  I didn’t want to burden them. I didn’t want to be a burden to them. It was best to remain quiet.

  I shrugged again, but I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t make eye contact. It hurt too much and I didn’t want them to see that. “Its fine, you guys.”

  “It’s not!”

  Then I gave up and surrendered. “What are you going to do about it?”

  They stopped. They blinked. Their mouths opened. No sound came out. They were like owls. After awhile, Angie strangled out, “What do you mean?”