Snow Angels

Snow Angels

  By Tammy J

  Cover Illustration By Dewayne McAllister

  Copyright 2012

  “Life is the flower of which Love is The Honey.” ~ Victor Hugo

  This story is dedicated to The Honey and his son, RJ. And everyone else who has a story.

  “I saw that God was helping me out. He gave me another chance at life.” ~ Reginald D. Johnson, Sr.

  Sun is smiling. Warm winds are gently singing, playfully tickling our nostrils. Reginald and I are sitting on the front porch blazed by the summery haze. But something is wrong with him. He won’t talk to me. He won’t touch me.

  ...He won’t even look at me.

  Did the chemo finally steal his mind? Was it sucking away his sanity, and not the cancer?

  Uh oh...He is starting to cry. HARD. And there is absolutely nothing I can do.

  Many of you know why. Most don’t. My boyfriend, Reginald Johnson, is fighting BRAIN CANCER. So what do I do from here on? Do I look at him as if he will DIE tomorrow? Or do I look at him as if he is the STRONGEST man alive? Reggie appeared in my life so unexpectedly. He is more than a dream come true. I’ll never forget the first day I saw him. He walked through the doors and I glanced at the prince whom I longed for. I smiled. But not for long. I didn't want him; I wanted someone else... we always do, huh? Inevitably, as our friendship bloomed, petals of romance budded. Reggie standing there, determined to steal my heart. In return, I was afraid to love him. Then that day came. That day I received that dreadful call. That day where I found my new handsome friend lying in the hospital bed. Anticipating open brain surgery. He was smiling, but his eyes were SCREAMING with horror.

  Reggie’s brain surgery lasted five hours. And he was wide awake the entire time. During those hours, I could NOT stop crying. I would NOT. I was dizzy from all the anguish. My guts were bubbling from despair. I was dying from distress. I just wanted to hold his hand. But I was paralyzed by phobia. Every... single...dreadful thought penetrated throughout my sore brain. But it was my heart that was swollen. Why Reggie? My soul was trembling, shaking, and b-r-e-a-k-i-n-g as I waited for God to rescue Reggie from death and save me from drowning in my troubled mind.

  But that’s just the beginning of our story.....

  Are you living to fight or fighting to live? Snow Angels is dipped in the immeasurable truth of God’s compassion and His mercy. Often strolling on the face of this earth, we incessantly ask God this wearisome question, "Why me?" or "Why did this happen to me?" We constantly wonder why bad things happen to good people. But it is not our place to question. We fear Him. But we are somehow not afraid to question Him. Hmmm... By questioning God’s power, we are challenging our true existence. We must appreciate that it is our place to be fearless while facing our trials and tribulations. Equipped with every tool we need, God never leaves us alone. Not one second.

  While writing this book, I envisioned the world witnessing excoriating pain. Witnessing ripe, fresh love. Witnessing agony and fear that bestows fragile hearts. Witnessing the lullaby kisses of God’s mercy. Witnessing a true survivor. What do you do when your life is flipped upside down? What do you say? Who do you go to? Who do you dare to call? Let's admit it. There are times when it feels as if it’s the face of no return. Left in the dark, not knowing which path to head down. For months, after college graduation, the shadows of fears swallowed me. Gasping for air, I begged God over and over and over, pleading him to give me answers; cajoled him with bargains. I was lost.

  Down the path of re-discovering myself, I met Reggie, a handsome man who made me smile as I wandered through my journey. Our blossoming friendship became an invitation to his love. Our spirits became one. It was joyful. It felt so blissful to have someone who wasn’t afraid to love me for who I am. His gentle love crushed the gray clouds that surrounded me.

  After his sudden diagnosis of cancer, my heart was yanked out of my chest. Throughout my relationship with Reginald and encounter with his cancer, I had to find my faith again. Not only in love, but in the existence of life. And to this day, we are still fighting cancer. Together. Through this rare disease, we learn that God is God and will always be in control, no matter how detrimental the condition may be formulated by the doctors. If there aren't any cures, how could anyone be so positive and strong-minded in the fight against the disease? It inevitably seems like the person's recovery and fate nestle inside the doctor's hands. But it’s not. And God is pounding His fists for Reginald.

  We all travel through pain and suffering. Nonetheless, we are born with free will to be happy, no matter what. And Reggie is a shining example of this. Cancer is cancer. Cancer is not God. And God is not cancer. The cancer crawled through his flesh, but lost its direction. The cancer crushed his brain vessels, but not many. The cancer bullied its way into our minds, but never made it to our hearts. Together, my boyfriend and I are following our heroic Guiding Light. Together, we pray. Together, we live endlessly. The cancer frightened us. But didn't dare depress. The cancer tried to spook us. But we are brave and through the darkest nights, Reggie survives.

  Snow Angels is laced with prayers, in hope of someone reading this and knowing that God is in their presence, no matter where they are in their lives, to keep smiling, even if the sun stops shining. It will return. If you fighting an illness, dealing with financial shambles or a broken home, or simply needing to re-discover yourself, please know that I am a witness of God's power. The Bible says that the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:14) I also wrote this book to assist those who are holding the hand of a loved one who has a sickness, cancer, an addiction, whatever; God will protect you both. Keep fighting. Keep believing. Keep praying. Remember, only God ultimately knows what we go through.

  We all have a story. Through Aubry and Charles, I tell you mine.

  Witness.